Jesus awoke from his mighty slumber and surveyed his surroundings. He was in a cave of some sort. He noticed that the cave was completely dark. No matter, he'd simply use his Jesus Vision and then he'd be able to see perfectly. He activated his Jesus Vision and saw that the reason the cave was so dark was because there was an enormous boulder blocking the entrance.
Jesus scoffed, boulders, what did they mean to him? Nothing, he's motherfucking Jesus afterall. So he walked up to the boulder and looked in its eyes. In case you didn't know boulders don't have eyes.
"What country are you from?" inquired Jesus.
"What?" replied the boulder.
"What ain't no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in What?
"What?"
"English motherfucker. Do you speak it?"
"What?"
"Shut up," Jesus activated his Heaven Karate and kicked the boulder, shattering it into a pile of rubble. Sunlight poured into the cave and illuminated the entire thing. The light hurt Jesus's eyes so he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Divine Shades, a super secret brand of sunglasses that was so awesome it could break titanium. Just kidding, sunglasses can't do that.
Jesus decided that if he was still in Equestria then he was going to have to get sexy revenge on the ponies who killed him. He didn't even get a last meal, but that was probably because he kept threatening to eat the ponies themselves if they didn't release him. Deciding that it was their fault for liking the wrong brand of root beer, Jesus head out towards Ponyville, which he knew the exact location of, thanks to his totally radical JPS or Jesus Positioning System.
He arrived in Ponyville in record time, even if there wasn't really a record to break, and flew to Twilight Sparkle's house. Once there he politely knocked on the door and the ripped it off of its hinges.
"Jesus it's you!" yelled Twilight.
"Hello foolish unicorn," replied Jesus.
" Die monster! You don't belong in this world!"
" It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute."
" Tribute!?! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves!"
" Perhaps the same could be said of all religions..."
" Your words are as empty as your soul! Ponykind ill needs a savior such as you!"
" What is a pony? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk... Have at you!"
Jesus dove at Twilight Sparkle, viciously punching her in the butt.
"Oh god he's breaking my butt!" screamed Twilight Sparkle," please don't break my butt!"
Jesus continued his anal assault, punching Twilight in the butt until she died of lung cancer.
Suddenly the wall of the library collapsed and a Red and Black alicorn appeared from the cloud of dust.
"Ultra Satan!" said Jesus in happy fear.
" Ah, Jesus. What is your business here?" said Ultra Satan.
" I've come to put an end to this."
" Still befriending mortals... I'll not ask you to return to our side, but I demand you cease your attack."
" I will not."
" You shall regret those words," Ultra Satan pulled out a super Katana, and Jesus in turn pulled out a Hyper Claymore. They were ready to begin the final battle.
____________________________________________________
He came back because he's Jesus.
Okay, in all hilarity, I get it. I see what you were trying to do, and I can appreciate a good jab at Christianity, I mean, sometimes we do take the thing to extremes. But you seemed to have utterly failed in trolling. I'm to distracted by the bad puns, the terrible word usage, and the horrible sequencing to even try and think about being offended, or humored, or whatever reaction you were trying to illicit. Seriously, this isn't just a bad piece of writing, it's a bad attempt at trolling, and my only regret is that I can't downvote it twice. Once for the writing style, and once for the waste of my time.
I expected a better Jesus Spoof than this, and I've seen and read far better. I mean, really, Monty Python does it better, as does Christopher Moore in his brilliantly irreverent book, Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff.
Nope, if you're looking to get the reaction you want, you need to try harder.
1891458
How presumptuous of you to assume that I was attempting to elicit a reaction from you or anyone else. I wrote this story for no other reason than because I felt like it.
Regardless of your assumptions and opinions(which by the way I couldn't care less about) I in no way tried to "troll". I have written many a story, some successful, and some not so much.
I write stories that make me laugh. If people like them then that's great. If people dislike them that's fine.
It's fools like you who try to act indifferent that piss me off. How dare you assume that you know what's swimming around in my head. I am appalled.
You are a fool.
1891525
Yeehaa, partner! I just love out-trolling a troll. THAT'S the sort of reaction I wanted to get from your story!
Maybe you're not a lost cause after all. Keep trying. And remember, elbows close together, and watch those prepositions.
1891538
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mddop8ytgK1rold5eo1_500.png
How do you know I'm not trolling you by making you think you're trolling me?
This is the most offensive MY LITTLE PONY fanfiction I have read, and I feel so damn guilty for laughing so many times...
Kind of screws over the "love and tolerence", eh?
1891602
What do you mean? I preach nothing but love and tolerance in this story.
1891627
: YOU ARE BUCKING CORRECT! NOW GO BUCKING CLEAN UP THE CRAPPY BUCKING TOILETS AND RETHINK YOUR ENTIRE BUCKING LIFE!!!
Sorry bro, but I think this story has outlived its expiration date. It started out good, but has slowly puttered out into something...just something...
1892535
Yeah, but I can't just leave the characters where they are. The next chapter is the last.
WHOA
WHOA
BUTT PUUUNCHIIIING
>This
Don't joke about lung cancer, I once died because of it(because a hobo punched me in the butt. TWICE!).
Now I understand where lung cancer comes from
I fear for all of those poor butts that got punched... Prolapse in peace.
I have Jesus Vision. I am now unstoppable!!! FUS RO DAH!