• Published 18th Oct 2012
  • 3,053 Views, 204 Comments

OH JESUS! - Chuckward

  • ...

Broccoli soda!!!

Jesus was skipping along a cobblestone path whilst happily toting around a crucifix as the people surrounding him lovingly booed.
I sure am glad these people are so appreciative of what I'm doing for them,Jesus thought to himself,listen to them boo with delight.
Jesus thanked god for providing him with the delights of being spat on and tortured as he gleefully trudged his way to the top of a hill. Once there some kind Romans pushed him onto the ground and threw rocks at his shins. Afterwards they began to put up the cross.
"No kind Romans, allow me to set up the tool of my destruction," Jesus said.
" Can't let you do that Starfox," said one of the Jews, before he pushed Jesus to the ground and lovingly rubbed dirt in his many cuts.

Jesus began pondering,Why do they love me so much? I've never done anything important, but now I get to be put to death in front of thousands of people. Thanks judas the priest.

Before Jesus could ponder any further he was beaten some more and then nailed to the cross with loving care.
Jesus stayed suspended on the cross for three days, and when he sensed death was drawing near he opened his moth and began to speak.
"I am Jesus Christ. And I see a whole army of my countrymen,
here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as free men. And
free man you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?"
"Two thousand against ten?" - the Jews shouted. "No! We will
run - and live!"
"Yes!" Jesus shouted back. "Fight and you may die. Run and you
will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now,
would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for
one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell
our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take
our freedom!"
Suddenly the heavens opened up, and a booming voice echoed over the countryside, many were confused, but Jesus knew who it was, it was the creator, the alpha and omega, his own father, god.
" My son, for quoting Braveheart at the most appropriate of times I've decided to spare you the pain of slowly dying, and instead send you to a land of sunshine and happiness."
" What is this land you speak of father?"
" It's a beautiful world inhabited by colorful ponies, it's called Equestria. I made it after getting high off of some angel dust."
"Angel dust?"
God winked.
" Oh I get it, because you live in heaven, nice one dad.
" Thanks son."
Then god's mighty hand descended from heaven and bitch slapped all of the Jews and Romans within a five mile radius. The power of the Heavenly bitch slap was so powerful that it not only kept all of god's bitches in line at once, but it also opened a hole in space and time that began to absorb everything around it, including Jesus.
Once inside the wormhole Jesus became aware of the fact that he was spinning, very fast. Jesus began to feel nauseated and then he threw up, but something was odd, no matter how much Jesus threw up it just kept coming, and the puke was Spinning with him. He was eventually engulfed in a spinning serenade of stinky stomach acid. When the chunks of food brushed against his clothing they generated a powerful surge of static electricity that permeated every inch of Jesus' Vomit. He was soon nothing more than a mass of flesh surrounded by electrically charged puke, and as science will tell you, once you combine Jesus with lightning and vomit a portal to Equestria automatically opens and whatever is within five miles of said portal is immediately sucked through.
Once he was awake Jesus stood up and calmly assessed the situation.
He came to the conclusion that the only way to properly express himself was through song. So Jesus began to sing his own version of "What's This?" From Nightmare Before Christmas.
" What's this? What's this?,
There's ponies everywhere!
What's this? What's this? There's sparkles in the air!
All these things are so amazing, and it simply leaves me saying,OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

Once he finished his musical number he turned to see six colorful ponies standing in front of him.
They were all so cartoony looking. Jesus could hardly believe his eyes. There was a Purple one, a Pink one, a yellow one,an orange one, a blue one, and a white one.
The white one stepped forward and spoke.
"Oh dear Celestia that thing is covered in vomit.Erm, hello, my name is Rarity and I'm the resident fashionista, we simply must get you cleaned up."
Jesus looked down to see that he was in fact covered in vomit, no biggie though, he simply used his Jesus powers to shoot a pulse of energy from his body that sent the vomit flying off of his body and all over the White pony.
In response she simply screamed about how her coat was all dirty and ran off towards the nearest bath house. Jesus shrugged this off and assumed that Rarity was just one of those weird people who didn't like it when strange creatures materialize out of thin air and cover them in vomit. After deciding he didn't care enough to apologize he turned to the other ponies.
The next one to approach Jesus was the shy yellow one, after all despite her timidity, she couldn't resist the idea of meeting some brand new animal.
" Hi... I'm fluttershy, what's your name?"
" I am Jesus you strange winged equine."
" What's a Jesus?"
Now this question confused Jesus, he sat there for a couple minutes before deciding that the best way to respond would be to scream nonsense words and punch Fluttershy in the mouth. Unfortunately rather than immediately falling in love with him as Jesus had anticipated, fluttershy ran away crying. The blue Pegasus shot Jesus a death glare and flew off to comfort her friend.
Jesus turned back to the remaining three ponies.
Three down, three to go,Jesus thought to himself.
Yes I know, I'm going to hell.