Jesus awoke from his mighty slumber and surveyed his surroundings. He was in a cave of some sort. He noticed that the cave was completely dark. No matter, he'd simply use his Jesus Vision and then he'd be able to see perfectly. He activated his Jesus Vision and saw that the reason the cave was so dark was because there was an enormous boulder blocking the entrance.
Jesus scoffed, boulders, what did they mean to him? Nothing, he's motherfucking Jesus afterall. So he walked up to the boulder and looked in its eyes. In case you didn't know boulders don't have eyes.
"What country are you from?" inquired Jesus.
"What?" replied the boulder.
"What ain't no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in What?
"What?"
"English motherfucker. Do you speak it?"
"What?"
"Shut up," Jesus activated his Heaven Karate and kicked the boulder, shattering it into a pile of rubble. Sunlight poured into the cave and illuminated the entire thing. The light hurt Jesus's eyes so he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Divine Shades, a super secret brand of sunglasses that was so awesome it could break titanium. Just kidding, sunglasses can't do that.
Jesus decided that if he was still in Equestria then he was going to have to get sexy revenge on the ponies who killed him. He didn't even get a last meal, but that was probably because he kept threatening to eat the ponies themselves if they didn't release him. Deciding that it was their fault for liking the wrong brand of root beer, Jesus head out towards Ponyville, which he knew the exact location of, thanks to his totally radical JPS or Jesus Positioning System.
He arrived in Ponyville in record time, even if there wasn't really a record to break, and flew to Twilight Sparkle's house. Once there he politely knocked on the door and the ripped it off of its hinges.
"Jesus it's you!" yelled Twilight.
"Hello foolish unicorn," replied Jesus.
" Die monster! You don't belong in this world!"
" It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute."
" Tribute!?! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves!"
" Perhaps the same could be said of all religions..."
" Your words are as empty as your soul! Ponykind ill needs a savior such as you!"
" What is a pony? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk... Have at you!"
Jesus dove at Twilight Sparkle, viciously punching her in the butt.
"Oh god he's breaking my butt!" screamed Twilight Sparkle," please don't break my butt!"
Jesus continued his anal assault, punching Twilight in the butt until she died of lung cancer.
Suddenly the wall of the library collapsed and a Red and Black alicorn appeared from the cloud of dust.
"Ultra Satan!" said Jesus in happy fear.
" Ah, Jesus. What is your business here?" said Ultra Satan.
" I've come to put an end to this."
" Still befriending mortals... I'll not ask you to return to our side, but I demand you cease your attack."
" I will not."
" You shall regret those words," Ultra Satan pulled out a super Katana, and Jesus in turn pulled out a Hyper Claymore. They were ready to begin the final battle.
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He came back because he's Jesus.