Crystal Flurry

Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad - 2024 Competition46 stories ·83 members

"Mum, Dad," Flurry Heart spoke up, "We should be crystal ponies."

Flurry has learnt about colonialism, and figures the only way to fix this is for the imperial family— or at least her— to be crystal ponies.

... More serious than the description implies.

Intended to be a submission for the Shining Armor is a Terrible Dad Competition

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Comments ( 7 )

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Diamond Sparkle

Diamond Sparkle #1 · March 13th · 1 · ·

LOL, Shining Armour will really freak out at his new crystal daughter.

Moosetasm

Moosetasm #2 · March 13th · 1 · ·

This will prolly go over worse than a tattoo or ear piercing.

Crescent_Luna01

Crescent_Luna01 #3 · March 14th · 2 · ·

This story was alright, personally I would've enjoyed a bit more explanation about why exactly being a crystal pony to her subjects is important, if the story was a bit more thought out, it could've turned out more engaging to read, but it is a pretty nice story all things considered! Good job!

owlicious

owlicious #4 · March 15th · 1 · ·

I liked it. It's a unique concept and a nice short story, and I liked the descriptions of actions.

“Why couldn’t she have been goth or something,” sighed Shining, “I’m sure that would have been much easier to deal with...”
His wife giggled at him, “I think you might be underestimating it, but perhaps. It’d certainly have been very cute at least, and I’m sure there’d have been plenty of stallions— or mares— eager for her hoof.”
“Not that there aren’t going to be plenty as-is,” Shining muttered, glaring out a window in fatherly outrage and getting another giggle from Cadence.

I found that funny. I respect you for standing by your principles instead of being a sellout like myself.

Very much doubt I'll win, but I saw the competition, was overcome by an idea, and am trying to get more into the habit of writing, so voila, first story I've ever published.

If you're still editing the story and aiming for more points: (If you're finished writing this, or if you've finished edits, I can take this section down)

EDIT: Nit on Americanization of names and accidental dot removed

Same for https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/ or dashes in a few places, which can be subjective, especially for dialogue.

Unfortunately her hopes were easily dashed as she approached the guards barred her way,

could be written as something along the lines of the below

Unfortunately, her hopes were easily dashed. As she approached, the guards barred her way,

The junior guard glanced inside the heart room just in case, before returning to his post at the lack of alicorn.

"returning to his post at the lack of alicorn" seems like awkward phrasing or a partially rewritten sentence. There's many ways it could be written, e.g. "returning to his post after confirming the room lacked alicorns" may work if you wanted to keep phrasing it with the word "lack", or moving around parts of the sentence

BismuthBorealis

BismuthBorealis #5 · March 15th · · ·

11850687
I may not be aiming for more points, but fixing that accidental dot and unwieldy barring would just be satisftying.

And yeah, on the spelling thing, I'm bleh about american spelling and can't be bothered to change it all. Meanwhile for Cadance... kinda similar, but not at all helped by her name being Cadenza and the origin of the 'a' being a mystery.

owlicious

owlicious #6 · March 16th · 1 · ·

11850877

I may not be aiming for more points, but fixing that accidental dot and unwieldy barring would just be satisftying.

I'm not sure of which of my remaining comments the unwieldy barring is, but I can delete the comment once it's fixed, or you're done.

Good luck with the contest!

I agree on the name and the 'a' being a mystery; even the canon disagreed before finalizing it. I'm not even American, but I use that spelling for fimfiction.

Aiwhisper