sissygriff
Joined 14th May, 2020 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Think this was a really fun read, love the premise, looking forward to see how the next chapter will turn out. I think the quality of your writing has improved a lot sense your early work, which a much more natural flow and pacing along with the dialogue. Through you still tend to forget some punctuations like periods at the end of the sentences which is mostly just localized to short dialogue areas so it's not that bad. You still seem over use 'said' in your sentences adding a neutral tone, but it's nowhere near as glaring as before and the tone can somewhat suggest it, so it just comes down as sounding more slightly respective then stilted compared to before. If you can't really pick a tone or emotion to you diazole, it's sometime becomes tedious understandably, but you can use simple words like 'he added', 'he interjected', 'he followed up', ''he replied', 'he pointed', ' he grumbled', he said distractedly' , ' he giggled', just to add more variety to your verbiage. I think their personalities could be a little more define, but I think it really wasn't necessary in this case, and their energy was pretty lively overall and you could clearly feel they were enjoying the experience, with enough of a backstory to know they aren't doing this in a vacuum. Great work keep it up.
I hope you find your keep on finding your drive in your creativity. Best wishes to you.
11742152
thanks for the info, is there anything from the story you liked?
11742208
I pretty much liked all of it, their outfit descriptions were fun along with the exposition in explaining on how they started going all of that was pretty well done and helped to establish the drive in all of this. I wonder how they discovered an interest in ABDL and how they cam in as a couple or friends with benefits kinds of situation.
This was a very fun read, Gallus and Sandbar's personalities on broadcast was pretty clear and distinct between the two. I do like the embarrassment aspect a lot, along with the mystery part on the daddy patron at the end. The writing was pretty good and mostly well paced, there really is nothing to criticizes about it, great job, keep on improving in your writing.
11744898
Thanks 👍