• Member Since 21st Jul, 2018
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago

Ghost2003

I love Ghost Recon and Military History / Brony since 2015 / Fluttershy and Twilight are my Favorite Ponies

Ghost2003 Joined 21st Jul, 2018 · Offline

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Comments ( 2 )
quakeSanchez
quakeSanchez #1 · 2 weeks ago · · ·
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She takes it and eats it in one bite. She chews slowly,

I understand what you tried to convey. But this way you sound contradictory.

You probably meant that Derpy can fit an entire muffin in her mouth and slowly chew it down rather than take small bites off.

please give me any criticism in the comments below

The pacing is kinda non-existent. It's inciting incident - confession - okay, lets be together - start the relationship with sexytimes.

If the whole point is wholesome sex, than let the characters start off as a couple right away.

Otherwise, it would do the story good to put more time and effort into the setup.

Ghost2003
Ghost2003 #2 · 2 weeks ago · · ·
Reply

11874648
Thanks for the feedback. Yes it does seem rushed and I will try to improve in my next story :)

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