What We Lose
By Subsolar Drift
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The speaker above me buzzed. “Would Nurse Redheart please report to the ICU at once.” I sighed. I was still in the waiting room, empty besides me. Shaking my head, I rubbed my aching neck. Yet another sleepless night. Moving slowly, I got off the bench and to my hooves. Breathing deeply, I trudged out of the room and down the hall. My eyes stayed carefully trained on the floor, letting everything else just fade away. I didn't need to look up. I'd walked this path so much it was engraved in my mind.
“You’d be surprised, Dash. I know every book in here by heart!”
I shook my head and glanced up. The coffee pot. My salvation on these mornings. I grabbed the pot and poured myself a cup, adding milk and copious amounts of sugar. I slowly stirred it into the cup.
“Ugghh!! I don’t know how you can drink coffee like that. You know all that sugar is horrible for you!”
My vision blurred as I set my cup down. I leaned against the wall. Slowly, I focused on keeping my body from shaking. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my coffee and took a sip, focusing on the feel of the scalding liquid running down my throat. I turned back towards the hall, and started the monotonous journey once again. Ponies passed me by, moving to the left or right. They were all in such a hurry.
“Woah! Slow down there! You should be more careful. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”
I opened the door and returned to my makeshift home. I sat down on the couch. I frowned, glancing at the calendar on the wall. Three months. It had been three months I’d been here. Since... No. I wouldn’t think about that. I couldn’t. I glanced around the sparse room, looking for something anything to distract myself. My eyes fell on the worn cover of a familiar book. A tear fought its way to the surface, resting on the edge of falling.
“What’s this? Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?” I looked up at her, questioningly.
“This is the first story in the series. I own all of them.” She cutely smiled.
“No thanks. I so don't read.” She frowned, confused by my words.
“I'm a world-class athlete. Reading's for eggheads like you, Twilight.” I continued, trying to explain.
“Heh, no offense, but I am not reading. It's undeniably, unquestionably, uncool”
Her eyes betrayed her. I could tell she was hurt. My stomach clenched. I had to say that. I’m too cool for books. I couldn’t be caught reading.
My heart sped up and I felt everything I had pushed down inside me building up. I collapsed down, laying spread over the couch. My body began to shake, my lungs began to heave, gasping for the air I needed. The tears followed, slowly at first, rolling down my cheeks. My gaze lingered on the book.
Calm. I needed to be calm. If I stayed calm everything would be fine. I tried to hold back a wrenching sob, but it broke from my chest and echoed around the room. Celestia damn it! NO! I couldn't cry. I bit my tongue and roughly rubbed away the tears, ripping my gaze from the old tome. I was Rainbow 'Danger' Dash. Last time I checked, danger didn’t mean being all sappy. I couldn’t cry. I was calm.
After several minutes, I was breathing evenly again. I closed my eyes, hoping to finally drift off. I wasn’t falling asleep. I just laid there, trying not to think. Thinking always seemed to end badly for me.
Eventually, I heard hooves from the entryway and opened my eyes. Just inside the door was Pinkie, with a forced smile. She was here to try to cheer me up. Again. But something was different about her today. Her normal bouncy pink locks had deflated and straightened. She seemed to linger in the entrance, not wanting to be here. And her eyes were off. Nowadays, they’re rarely full of laughter as they used to. But today, they hid something there.
She walked over to me and sat down on the couch. I strengthened the mental wall I built to hold back my tears so I wouldn’t cry again. I couldn’t cry again. Not around her. I had to be strong. Even if it was always harder with her and the others.
“Hiya Dashie. Hows it going?” Pinkie tenderly asked.
I walked onto the balcony on the second floor, looking down into the main room. She looked up at me as she heard my hoofsteps. Her smile brightened the room as her purple bangs framing her gorgeous face. “Morning Dash!” she called to me.
I didn’t bother to look up and replied, “Fine.”
I beamed back and flew down towards her, embracing her with my wings and forehooves. “Good morning there beautiful!” Here we were together. Purple and blue.
“Did you get any sleep last night?” All my emotions battered against the barrier I made, struggling to get out.
“Sleep well?” Her violet eyes twinkled mischievously, making my heart beat just a little faster. I grip her a little tighter, nuzzling her cheek.
“No.” I whisper
“I had probably the best sleep I’ve ever had. How about you my dear?” I slowed the flapping of my wings, letting my hooves come to the floor.
“Have you heard anything about how she's doing?” My mental wall groaned under the pressure, cracks forming on the weaker spots.
Our eyes locked and we shared that moment. We were there. We were together. She started to lean forward and I went to meet her. Our lips touched and we kissed.
“No.”
I broke the kiss and smiled at the love of my life. “I love you Twilight.” She grinned back at me and nuzzled my neck. “And I love you Rainbow Dash.”
“Dashie...” She took my hoof in her’s. Pink next to blue. It didn’t look right.
My stomach grumbled, interrupting our moment. “Sounds like you're hungry!” She giggled. My grin widened as she laughed. I loved that laugh so much. I'd give anything to hear it.
“My pinkie sense was telling me something you should know.” Pinkie couldn’t meet my eyes.
‘No. No, anything but this. Please let her be wrong.’ I pleaded silently. Parts of the wall began to fall, memory and emotions flooding through.
“Let's go out to breakfast!” She suggested. We walked together towards the door, down the bustling city street and on our way, reveling in each others' company. She shivered in the cool brisk morning, so I stretched my wing out over her, pulling her towards me. Our sides brushed against each other, and the cutest blush appeared her face. She stole a quick kiss from me as we continued down the sidewalk.
“Rainbow.” I looked up at Pinkie, and saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. “It was a doozie. Maybe, i-it was g-good, b-but I don't know if... m-maybe she's...” A sob cut her sentence off.
At that moment, my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Time stopped. I could only remember.
We arrived at a small cafe, quickly grabbing a table near the window. A waitress came over to take our orders. I ordered some haycakes, and glanced over at her. Bright eyes darted over the menu flicking from item to item as she decided. She licked her lips as she imagined all the wonderful foods that she might have. It was the little things like that, that made me love her. Celestia she was so damn cute I could hardly stand it. She smiled, finally having decided, and the waiter took off.
I felt forehooves wrap around me. I felt Pinkie's sobs shake my body. I felt her tears fall down my back. I felt the wall I built up begin to shake. I felt my eyes mist over. I finally felt myself start to break.
The wonderful unicorn turned back towards me. Our eyes met. I gazed at the mare who saved the world. I gazed at the mare who stole my heart. I gazed at the mare I would love forever.
“Dash, I-” She started to say, but I stopped her placing my hoof over her mouth.
“Not a word.” I whispered.
I kissed the most perfect mare in existence. I kissed the mare who gave me more happiness than anything else in my life. I kissed the mare who it was better to be with than the Wonderbolts. I kissed the mare who changed my life. I kissed the mare I would die for. I kissed my lovely wife.
I couldn't stand it. It was too much. Everything, had just built up. My barrier collapsed. Memories, fond and bitter, all of her poured through me. Everything I tried to hide underneath. All the pain. All the tears. All the time alone. Every thought. Every smile. Every step. Every kiss.
I turned to Pinkie and hugged her. I squeezed as hard as could, letting everything out. I couldn’t help myself. I pressed my muzzle into her chest and cried. A horrible moaning wail escaped my muzzle only to be muffled by her coat. Tears stained her coat, leaving a dark trail down her chest. I held Pinkie in my arms letting it all out.
All I could do was imagine I was holding her. Waves of emotions washed through my body. Depression, anger, apathy, love, and most of all, fear. I was afraid. Afraid I would never see her again. Afraid of never being able to hold her body close to my own. Afraid that I would never wake up and see her smiling at me. Afraid that I ...I .. I would be alone.
I cried and cried, letting everything out. And Pinkie, thank Celestia, was there for me. She kept me close, and whispered comforts. Finally, the tears slowed. My wall was gone, and everything I had hidden had left. I just felt empty. At last, I managed, “Pinkie?” A silence fell, only broken by our breathing. I croaked, “D-do you think she's going to... You know?” My voice was hollow and weak, barely loud enough to be heard. “Die?”
The pink pony was silent, having no answer to my question.
No answer was answer enough.
Pinkie helped me up and over to the couch. I laid down and curled up. She sat down next to me and held my hoof. She started to sing softly, but I didn't listen. I stared at the wall. I stared at the wall, and my heart broke.
“I love you Rainbow Dash.”
good so far. And even if there is a 'sad' tag, I'm hoping for a happy ending
well this is cute...in a rather depressing sort of way. I'm hoping for more soon, any ideas on a timetable?
That was beautiful to read, you have captured the essence of the moment. I commend you on your works, and hope to see more in the future.
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cute
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moar?
great story. I will follow.
I see there is no "Tragedy" tag, so I hope this will end well.
tears flow, my friend... I hope to read more soon.
Once again, Twilight is dead or in a coma.
Regardless, have a stache and a like.
will twilight ever wae up?a simple answer!without my great D.N.A.R.T.:no. with it:HELL YES! reply if you are interested
1257941
I'd hoped we'd never need a "flag as spam" button on this site.
*sigh*
1259668
I was looking for one after I saw that comment.
My gosh... Poor Dashie... Please... don't let Twi die... just please...
I love the way how you make Dash and Twi share their love, it's one of the sweetest ways
The story is going outstanding so far, looking forward to read more
1259676
I knew we didn't have one, but that's the first time I wished we did. Also, it's unfortunate that blocking a user doesn't make their comments invisible to you. I'd really rather not waste the millisecond it takes to load his comment.
You've a habit of switching tenses in the middle of a sentence.
Also, dat center alignment. It's not so bad when it only spans a single line, but when the sentence gets long enough that it wraps around it becomes annoying.
First of all, thanks to everyone who read this, I really appreciate it.
1257884 1258851 Only time will tell.
1257940 I've already started work on the next chapter, though I don't really have a set schedule.
1257966 Thank you very much, I'm glad I got the feelings right, or at least close to right.
1258173 1258789 1258792 Glad you liked it! Hopefully more soon!
1258880 I'm glad I got you to feel something. Mission accomplished
1259090 *cough*incompletetag*cough
1259733 Thanks for the constructive criticism! I'll keep an eye out for the tenses and hopefully there shouldn't be as much center alignment for the next chapter.
1260003
I think 1259090 was commenting on how that seems to be a recurring theme these days. 'Something terrible happens to Twilight and the others are left to cope', y'know?
1260018 Yeah, they are rather popular. I'm a big fan of them myself. We'll have to see if mine can break the mold.
1260030
I hate that saying, "breaking the mold." Always makes me think of All Star, which makes me think of how long ago it came out. YER MAKIN' ME FEEL OLD. STAHP IT.
1260104 Ha! Sorry! I'm just too young!
Le tracking
1260496 Glad to hear it! There should be another chapter up tonight or tomorrow.
Instata track.
Also, got me right in the heart. Are writers on this site fueled by tears, what's going on?
1260555 I took all the tears I've shed reading other fics on the site, and I forged them into this!
Ah I'm looking forward to the rest but if it is a sad ending I will hate you FOR-EV-ER. Seriously it was a very beautiful writing, keep it up
1260600 I'm glad you liked it! More coming soon!
I mean, good God and sweet Celestia, that's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever read on this site.
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All hail to you!
...
...
You depressing little oddball...
1260706 I got a comment with the Nostalgia Critic in it! My life is complete. I'm glad I could break your heart. MUHAHAHAHAHA!
Well that's horribly depressing.....
omg i think i am going to cry!!!! i loved it plz have more plz!!!
....You took my feels, beat the crap out of them, and then kept them.
YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARED!
Typical Twidash.
1260104
Ach, Smash Mouth is old? The eighties are more than 10 years away? Time flies....
Not bad.
Wait, romance in this fic too?
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1260104Love the new profile pic.
Also, good so far with the story. I'll keep track of this.
1260003 Oh I know things can develop. I'm just saying, how many times will Twilight become incapacitated? The answer is, "doesn't matter TWIDASH "
1261444
I know, right? NyuuChanDiannePie makes the best RD pictures I've ever seen.
1261458 Exactly! Twidash forever!
1261472 speaking of Twidash, read my dribble.
1261444 Glad to hear it!
1261402 I hope!
1261193 When my story is done, you have my permission to cry.
1261482 Added to my too read list!
1260104 your right now i feel old too (25)
this was interesting to say the least i mean it wasnt good but it wasnt bad either. then again ive been reading tear-jerkers and grim-darks all day so it might be the stories talkin anyways kinda lame and overdrawn but it was bearable
There was another TwiDash fic a while ago with a similar premise. It got the feature box but I can't remember the title; where you by any chance influenced by it?
1261642
I believe you're speaking of Dream of Me, yes?
1261642>>1261736 I did take some inspiration from that, but I also got a lot of inspiration from other sources. I'm also doing something a little different in this, but that's all I can say.
1261736
Aye that was it. Good fic. I'll read this one later, to the queue it goes!
1261781 I know the problem when you have too many fics to read. I have 83 in my to read list. Its a pain.
1261807
I have 901.
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1261831 IT'S OVER NINE HUNDRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!