//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: What We Lose // by Subsolar Drift //------------------------------// What We Lose By Subsolar Drift “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The speaker above me buzzed. “Would Nurse Redheart please report to the ICU at once.” I sighed. I was still in the waiting room, empty besides me. Shaking my head, I rubbed my aching neck. Yet another sleepless night. Moving slowly, I got off the bench and to my hooves. Breathing deeply, I trudged out of the room and down the hall. My eyes stayed carefully trained on the floor, letting everything else just fade away. I didn't need to look up. I'd walked this path so much it was engraved in my mind. “You’d be surprised, Dash. I know every book in here by heart!” I shook my head and glanced up. The coffee pot. My salvation on these mornings. I grabbed the pot and poured myself a cup, adding milk and copious amounts of sugar. I slowly stirred it into the cup. “Ugghh!! I don’t know how you can drink coffee like that. You know all that sugar is horrible for you!” My vision blurred as I set my cup down. I leaned against the wall. Slowly, I focused on keeping my body from shaking. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed my coffee and took a sip, focusing on the feel of the scalding liquid running down my throat. I turned back towards the hall, and started the monotonous journey once again. Ponies passed me by, moving to the left or right. They were all in such a hurry. “Woah! Slow down there! You should be more careful. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.” I opened the door and returned to my makeshift home. I sat down on the couch. I frowned, glancing at the calendar on the wall. Three months. It had been three months I’d been here. Since... No. I wouldn’t think about that. I couldn’t. I glanced around the sparse room, looking for something anything to distract myself. My eyes fell on the worn cover of a familiar book. A tear fought its way to the surface, resting on the edge of falling. “What’s this? Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?” I looked up at her, questioningly. “This is the first story in the series. I own all of them.” She cutely smiled. “No thanks. I so don't read.” She frowned, confused by my words.  “I'm a world-class athlete. Reading's for eggheads like you, Twilight.”  I continued, trying to explain. “Heh, no offense, but I am not reading. It's undeniably, unquestionably, uncool”   Her eyes betrayed her. I could tell she was hurt. My stomach clenched. I had to say that. I’m too cool for books. I couldn’t be caught reading. My heart sped up and I felt everything I had pushed down inside me building up. I collapsed down, laying spread over the couch. My body began to shake, my lungs began to heave, gasping for the air I needed. The tears followed, slowly at first, rolling down my cheeks. My gaze lingered on the book.   Calm. I needed to be calm. If I stayed calm everything would be fine.  I tried to hold back a  wrenching sob, but it broke from my chest and echoed around the room. Celestia damn it! NO! I couldn't cry. I bit my tongue and roughly rubbed away the tears, ripping my gaze from the old tome. I was Rainbow 'Danger' Dash. Last time I checked, danger didn’t mean being all sappy. I couldn’t cry. I was calm. After several minutes, I was breathing evenly again. I closed my eyes, hoping to finally drift off. I wasn’t falling asleep. I just laid there, trying not to think. Thinking always seemed to end badly for me. Eventually, I heard hooves from the entryway and opened my eyes. Just inside the door was Pinkie, with a forced smile. She was here to try to cheer me up. Again. But something was different about her today. Her normal bouncy pink locks had deflated and  straightened. She seemed to linger in the entrance, not wanting to be here. And her eyes were off. Nowadays, they’re rarely full of laughter as they used to. But today, they hid something there. She walked over to me and sat down on the couch. I strengthened the mental wall I built to hold back my tears so I wouldn’t cry again. I couldn’t cry again. Not around her. I had to be strong. Even if it was always harder with her and the others. “Hiya Dashie. Hows it going?” Pinkie tenderly asked.  I walked onto the balcony on the second floor, looking down into the main room. She looked up at me as she heard my hoofsteps. Her smile brightened the room as her purple bangs framing her gorgeous face. “Morning Dash!” she called to me. I didn’t bother to look up and replied, “Fine.” I beamed back and flew down towards her, embracing her with my wings and forehooves. “Good morning there beautiful!” Here we were together. Purple and blue. “Did you get any sleep last night?” All my emotions battered against the barrier I made, struggling to get out. “Sleep well?” Her violet eyes twinkled mischievously, making my heart beat just a little faster. I grip her a little tighter, nuzzling her cheek. “No.” I whisper “I had probably the best sleep I’ve ever had. How about you my dear?”  I slowed the flapping of my wings, letting my hooves come to the floor. “Have you heard anything about how she's doing?”  My mental wall groaned under the pressure, cracks forming on the weaker spots. Our eyes locked and we shared that moment. We were there. We were together.  She started to lean forward and I went to meet her. Our lips touched and we kissed. “No.” I broke the kiss and smiled at the love of my life. “I love you Twilight.” She grinned back at me and nuzzled my neck. “And I love you Rainbow Dash.” “Dashie...” She took my hoof in her’s. Pink next to blue. It didn’t look right. My stomach grumbled, interrupting our moment. “Sounds like you're hungry!”  She giggled. My grin widened as she laughed. I loved that laugh so much.  I'd give anything to hear it. “My pinkie sense was telling me something you should know.” Pinkie couldn’t meet my eyes. ‘No. No, anything but this. Please let her be wrong.’ I pleaded silently. Parts of the wall began to fall, memory and emotions flooding through. “Let's go out to breakfast!” She suggested.  We walked together towards the door, down the bustling city street and on our way, reveling in each others' company. She shivered in the cool brisk morning, so I stretched my wing out over her, pulling her towards me. Our sides brushed against each other, and the cutest blush appeared her face. She stole a quick kiss from me as we continued down the sidewalk. “Rainbow.” I looked up at Pinkie, and saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. “It was a doozie. Maybe, i-it was g-good, b-but I don't know if... m-maybe she's...” A sob cut her sentence off. At that moment, my heart stopped. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. Time stopped. I could only remember. We arrived at a small cafe, quickly grabbing a table near the window. A waitress came over to take our orders. I ordered some haycakes, and  glanced over at her. Bright eyes darted over the menu flicking from item to item as she decided. She licked her lips as she imagined all the wonderful foods that she might have. It was the little things like that, that made me love her. Celestia she was so damn cute I could hardly stand it. She smiled, finally having decided, and the waiter took off. I felt forehooves wrap around me. I felt Pinkie's sobs shake my body. I felt her tears fall down my back. I felt the wall I built up begin to shake. I felt my eyes mist over. I finally felt myself start to break. The wonderful unicorn turned back towards me. Our eyes met. I gazed at the mare who saved the world. I gazed at the mare who stole my heart. I gazed at the mare I would love forever.  “Dash, I-”  She started to say, but I stopped her placing my hoof over her mouth. “Not a word.” I whispered. I kissed the most perfect mare in existence. I kissed the mare who gave me more happiness than anything else in my life. I kissed the mare who it was better to be with than the Wonderbolts. I kissed the mare who changed my life. I kissed the mare I would die for. I kissed my lovely wife. I couldn't stand it. It was too much. Everything, had just built up. My barrier collapsed. Memories, fond and bitter, all of her poured through me. Everything I tried to hide underneath. All the pain. All the tears. All the time alone. Every thought. Every smile. Every step. Every kiss. I turned to Pinkie and hugged her. I squeezed as hard as could, letting everything out. I couldn’t help myself. I pressed my muzzle into her chest and cried. A horrible moaning wail escaped my muzzle only to be muffled by her coat. Tears stained her coat, leaving a dark trail down her chest. I held Pinkie in my arms letting it all out. All I could do was imagine I was holding her. Waves of emotions washed through my body. Depression, anger, apathy, love, and most of all, fear. I was afraid. Afraid I would never see  her again. Afraid of never being able to hold her body close to my own. Afraid that I would never wake up and see her smiling at me. Afraid that I ...I .. I would be alone. I cried and cried, letting everything out. And Pinkie, thank Celestia, was there for me. She kept me close, and whispered comforts. Finally, the tears slowed. My wall was gone, and everything I had hidden had left. I just felt empty. At last, I managed, “Pinkie?” A silence fell, only broken by our breathing.  I croaked, “D-do you think she's going to... You know?” My voice was hollow and weak, barely loud enough to be heard. “Die?” The pink pony was silent, having no answer to my question. No answer was answer enough. Pinkie helped me up and over to the couch. I laid down and curled up. She sat down next to me and held my hoof. She started to sing softly, but I didn't listen. I stared at the wall. I stared at the wall, and my heart broke. “I love you Rainbow Dash.”