***Chapter 01 : Everypony Starts Out as a Beginner
A Chaotic Production presents...
The Beginning Arc(a pre-arc)
Chapter 1
~ edited by TLSpark and Reddened Chaos
~ edited again by ultra1437
Theme Song: "Crossing Field" Sword Art Online (AmaLee)
The day was vividly beautiful, and the blessed sun shined yellow upon all the ponies out in the open, basking them in a coat of gold. Younglings ran throughout the town as they played, basking under Celestia's warm rays, while the older mares and stallions went about on their usual business.
Twilight Sparkle, a lavender unicorn mare, leisurely sat on her couch in the living room. She was doing nothing complicated, like experimenting with potions, but was instead enjoying a nice cup of jasmine tea and a nice book. To her right lay her wooden table, grown right out from the very floor of her tree house. It’s where she kept most of her science notes, friendship letters, and where she composed most of them as well. To her left sat her larger-than-life television. It was coupled with her own movie film projector, a modern Featherstation 3, and the new XBuck-360 Slim. It was an odd combination of technology for a pony in Ponyville, with the old-fashioned projector working aside two very advanced pieces of technology. When most ponies asked her what was with the game consoles, she simply replied that she played video games from time to time, and that was the truth. Well, almost the truth.
She didn't play all the time though. She still loved to experiment with new elements of magic, perform tests with nature’s various plants and mysterious herbs, and she especially enjoyed studying the magic of friendship. Reading books like the one she had in her hooves was a nice way to pass the time as well. However, what she didn't anticipate today was the cyan, rapid blur of a pegasus dashing through her doors. Literally.
As she burst through the doors, Rainbow Dash, with her slim saddlebags on, shouted out, “Twilight! Twilight! A new game was released today!”
“Oww, what is it Rainbow Dash? Can’t you see I’m busy today?” Twilight complained, rubbing her ears.
“Sorry Twi, it’s just that I’ve played a little bit of it today and it’s so bucking awesome! You have to try it!” She looked around for the bookworm for a moment before calling out, “Hey, where are you?”
“Try looking down.”
She looked below her rump to see a mass of purple & pink highlights lying underneath her.
“Oh! Sorry Twi!” Rainbow Dash leapt off the poor unicorn, giving her some breathing space. “Eh-heh. Sorry for the broken door, but hey! You have to admit, I do know how to make an epic entrance!”
Twilight chuckled to herself, “By crashing into other ponies? I bet so. Anyway, what’s this about me and this game?”
“Oh right!” Rainbow Dash stuck her head in one of her saddlebags.
She pulled out a rectangular, decorative box. It was inscribed with a Da Spinichi worthy picture of heavily armored colts and robed mares on the cover. The stallions were armed with huge swords while the mares were sporting ornate staves.
“Luh halld Eehestia Uath!” she proclaimed through the box, muffling her words.
“Uh, Rainbow Dash? I didn’t quite catch that,” Twilight mentioned, trying to make sense of Rainbow's muffled exclamation.
Rainbow Dash spat out the game. “It’s called Equestrian Earth. It’s this really big game where a bunch of players can log in at once and go on adventures together, in the land of Equestria! You can fight a whole lot of badass creatures too, like dragons, and trolls, and wereponies." Rainbow Dash splashed right back into the bag. The excited athlete dug out a blue visor with rainbow bolts signed on the sides. “The I.P.V. works with it! The first MMORPG to ever be compatible with virtual-reality tech!”
"Rainbow Dash, you do know the correct term is equeswolf right?"
Dash blew Twilight a raspberry before adding, "O-of course! I already knew that." She groaned in annoyance, "Look, are you gonna play the game or not?"
Twilight looked at her friend for a few moments, and then placed her hoof on Rainbow Dash’s shoulder.
“Rainbow Dash, as much as I would like to play this game with you, I have a lot of things to do this week. Books to reshelf, magic to study, and I already have these other video games that I could play,” she reasoned. “And RPGs are heavily time consuming. Why would I need this one?”
"You never played an MMORPG before?"
"Nope."
Rainbow Dash blew her rainbow colored hair out of her eyes. “Because practically everypony in Ponyville has bought the game, and it’s really awesome? Also this game is set in that old medieval whatever stage.” She moved in closer to the unicorn’s face.
“And,” she whispered, edging closer to the unicorn, “I hear that Star Swirl the Bearded could be found in this game.”
Twilight’s eyes lit up and she squealed in return, “OHMIGOSH! Really!? How?”
She adored Star Swirl the Bearded. The historical icon was her biggest hero! He was second only to Celestia, of course.
The cyan pony shrugged. “I don’t know. From all the trailers and interviews that came out, it sounded like Celestia and Luna helped out with the details of the game's history and lore. Luna herself personally had a hoof designing the guy. She seemed to know a lot about the old colt it was based on, so the story writers asked if she could fill them in on the subject.”
The librarian, meanwhile, was bouncing around the pegasus in a very happy fit. She was literally jumping with joy. A lot was known about Star Swirl in the textbooks, but his personal journal entries were never found. Only the products of his study on magic survived throughout time. If Luna herself lent her knowledge of him into the game…
Twilight viciously grabbed Rainbow Dash by the shoulders and brought her closer to her face.
“How many bits?”
+Ω‡‡¥‡‡Ω+
Twilight locked herself in her house for several hours. So far, she had been busy making an account on the website, creating her character, molding a mountain of cushions to serve as her throne of relaxation, and gathering her preferred snacks for game night. As she sat in front of the glowing monitor, Twilight thought to herself that she couldn’t believe that all it took to convince her to buy the game was a mention of Star Swirl the Bearded. If the game was as awesome as Rainbow Dash claimed it was, then the full price of sixty bits sould be worth it.
She pressed the start button and activated her I.P.V. It took her through a vortex of digitized, bright blue code and pixilated dots. When the light show ended, she opened her eyes. She was floating in the middle of nowhere. So far, only a blinding light in front of her served as her waypoint, but as she squinted her eyes, she could make out the outline of a graceful figure. The mysterious being was very tall, in comparison to her, and the light's source glowed from behind her, making it nigh-impossible for Twilight to determine who it was. From what little Twilight could make out, the figure appeared to be female.
“H-hello? My name is Twilight Sparkle!” she introduced herself politely.
“Hello there Twilight Sparkle,” a melodious voice called out.
The voice definitely belonged to a mare. Twilight imagined it belonged to a motherly deity.
“I’ve been expecting your visit for quite some time,” the figure continued on in its smooth voice. “I'm expecting great things from you.”
“What? How do you know I was coming? Who are you?” Twilight asked.
The other mare chuckled for a second, “Not who, Twilight Sparkle, what. I may seem to be a pony to you, but I am just the central A.I. of the game here. I may be based on another pony, but at the core, I’m just a program.”
Twilight looked at the other mare as her mind was filled with wonder. It was also somewhat tinged with an edge of sadness. This artificial program knew of her own existence, but chose to refer to herself as an it. Twilight, on the other hoof, didn't think of her as an it. To Twilight, the mare appeared as lifelike as herself. The other mare suddenly chuckled a little. The tone was beautiful, and pure. Her voice resonated with a chime in the neospace's air.
“You may be wondering why I seem to be such a downer,” she spoke softly. “Well, I don’t know much about the mare I was based on, but from what I can tell from my memory bank, this particular mare was incredibly truthfully honest. That honesty runs right down even into her bones. I’ve been explained to many times, that she does this sometimes to playfully tease others. Or, as modern ponies may call it, ‘rustle their jimmies’.”
“Really? Who told you that?” Twilight asked.
“Hmm, I believe it was somepony named Celestia.”
Twilight’s mind suddenly sparked with questions. The shock was obviously enough. This A.I. was based on somepony from her mentor’s life. It ignited the curiosity inside of her. Before she could ask any questions though, the mare suddenly started her questions.
“So my little pony, which character would you like to load?”
Twilight started to object until a cache of save files popped into existence. Not wanting to waste time, she chose a pre-loaded save file that she had created before playing. A starter mage class. The character's race was based on an Equestrian unicorn.
She selected the file, and then pushed the menu out of the way to get a closer look at the A.I., hoping to gleam a good vision of her appearance.
“Okay Twilight, you are about to enter a wonderful world of magic and friendship, where you will meet friends old and new,” the figure explained. “However, this world also contains much of the magic's darker side and old monsters of lore, so be sure to keep your allies close at hoof. Good luck.”
The light behind the figure rapidly brightened, becoming an all-encompassing, piercing light. Twilight had to shield her eyes from the light's attempt to blind her.
“Wait! At least tell me who you are,” Twilight bellowed into the mass of light before her.
The figure took some time to consider her question, and then responded softly, “You may refer to me as the Goddess.”
Twilight’s vision then turned white, and all signs of the Goddess dissipated from around her. When she came to, she put a hoof to her forehead as a strong headache passed through her system.
“Note to self: lower the game's brightness,” she mumbled.
“Ah’ wouldn’t worry about them fancy graphic bars. Ah think it’s jus’ a phase.”
Surprised, Twilight bolted upright and opened her eyes to see five of her friends leaning over her. Some of them were dressed in padded armor, while others were dressed in robes similar to her own. Applejack lent a hoof to Twilight, and she graciously accepted it. The bookworm dusted the dirt off her shoulders and knees.
“Thanks Applejack. So, shall we get started? I figure that I'll need to do a lot of exploring.”
“Sure! There’s an observatory tower nearby where we can go to.”
“Lead the way then,” Twilight said with a smile.
3/3/13
Please welcome TLSpark and Reddened Chaos as the new editors for the story. They'll be working their hardest to clean the story out from its gunky grammar.
Got a dedicated group running for this story. If you want to join in then head over to our page.
Equestrian Earth Hubnet
Author's Notes 9/13/12
Oh my gosh. I racked up so many favorites and likes. This is so awesome! 
Oh, and for those who are asking for Spike, he will be included later.
PS: Yes, I know Diablo isn't an MMO game. It's co-op.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hello everypony who reads this. This story is just meant to test the waters. If I get a lot of likes and favorites in the first week of it's release, I'll make this one of my main updated stories. I hoped you've enjoyed it.
Edit: Also If you want, go here to join the group and contribute your fantastic idea to the virtual world of Equestrian Earth!
I can't wait to read more of this story from the first chapter I can tell that this is going to be a great story.
Muy interesante.
I hope you continue, I WANT TO KNOW MOAR.
Looks pretty cool.
The title seems awesome. That and the description are amazing. This better be a good one.
(reads chap. 1)
You... did good. This is great. keepit up!
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My first five commentors! (of this story)
1266622At least you're lucky. I once read this (darn good) fic, and the first comment was a hate comment. Talk about burn.
1266632 A fic like this before? Gee I hope you still have the link too it. I'm curious about this 'failed' fan fic.
EDIT: Actually, I considered myself lucky for the first ever fan fic I've ever made. It's a gamer Luna fan fic and I'm grateful that the first supporting people to have favorite and read the story were not total grammar nazis. (Cause the grammar for the first six were typed directly on this website, so I don't have access to the auto correct or spell check).
1266622 But of course
Good start... make sure you get spike involved and hacks his way to the ultimate level
Welp, I'm hook! Now I shall await for the next chapter to come.
1266645I didn't mean one like this, I just read a somewhat good fic.
FIMFiction, which I believe is great.
What I and the next brony say is good difer greatly, cause when I read a fic I only look at plot, character ,and dialogue. In other words I ignore spelling, grammar and sentence strusture.
edit--(this line edited only) The following is me talking about myself:
That doesn't mean I do that when I'm writing a fic, however. I pay close attention to all things.
And that doesn't mean the fic i have posted is good. Personally I think I don't do well at first person fics. What I have posted is jus' a warmup for my REAL up and coming GREAT AND POWERFUL
Dis 'gun be good.
I didn't know Diablo was an MMO.
And you currently have a 100% like ratio.
They should make a game of this story. It's that good.
Hm, seems promising.
I want this game...
Great work!
can't wait for the next chapter!!
Okay, you can consider me sufficiently interested in seeing this continue.
Edit - 30 Thumbs up, with 0 down, as of this edit. I think that counts for something.
I want this game now... damn... if someone actually makes this game for the ps3 or pc, i would get it... you sould get somebody to program it for you writter guy. that'd be sweeeeet
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I actually thought that to myself as I wrote the first chapter. If this story were to be incredibly popular. Something like this would probably happen in a few months (1-2 years)
That will probably not happen in a very long time though. I loved the Fallout Equestria fan fic with all my heart and was part of my inspiration to start this story.
1266895 As for you, Diablo is more like a co-op game rather than a huge MMO. It still has the rpg elements like most MMORPG games have.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
*POINTS AT THUMBS DOWN*cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/bmetal.png
THE FIRST THUMBS DOWN!
everypony panic!
It seems interesting enough. I'll investigate and see what happens.
There better be some good references in here.
Runescape please.
to tired to read but i added it to favorites to read later(if i put it in my read later list i will end up never getting to just like the other 15 stories)
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Actually, I've never read Fallout: Equestria, but I've always wanted too.
Hell, I've never even played Fallout before.
But this trailer looks awesome! :D
1260042 In under 2000 words you have hooked me to this. I expect great things from you.
I expect great things.
We need Big Mac in this. He could be the groups tank considering how freaking big he is.
This... this was needed. Very much so.
Godspeed in your writing good sir!
Oh, and have a moustache.
First, I would ask that you show these next chapters to someone who will edit for you, I found some odd word choices like "incredibly truthfully" and such, sorry
Secondly, please, please, please update quickly. I can't wait to see the rest of the mane six and the adventures they go on. I'm a WOW person myself; Human priest
Ciao darling
If classes are like wow
Twilight = arcane mage
Applejack = fury warrior
Rarity = holy paladin
Fluttershy = beastmaster hunter
Dash = enhancement shaman
Pinkie = subtlety rogue...pinkamena assassination
If you don't continue this story, the universe will explode. Trust me, I'm a fake doctor
.
Dialogue? Stilted. It's bland.
Prose? Mostly awkward. I advise reading it out loud and attempting to fix it.
Beginning? Cliche. And it's not even good to begin with; fix that as well.
You also suffer from 'Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.' I advise going through and fixing that as well.
As of now, this gets a downvote.
Considering he lives with her and would probably love playing MMORPG games, especially with his friends, it's a wonder Spike wasn't invited to play.
Eh... *scratches behind neck* Certainly has promise, at this point it's a fave and a upvote from here.
Hmm... this premise interests me... I will watch this.
1260042 kelfen.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/moar.jpg myfacewhen.net/uploads/58-michael-moar.jpg
Just sayin'
...This is going to be both epic, and Hilarious. Fluttershy's likely a druid of some sort, maybe a ranger. AJ I can see as the warrior type, brserker mayb. The others... Eh I got nothing offhand.
MOAR! MOAR DAMMIT!
Looks interdasting.
I dunno how you feel about constructive criticism or why you're writing, author, but I feel like giving some. Feel free to delete and/or ignore this comment if you want, though.
"The Beginning Arc" is pretty bland and unimaginative, not to mention "arc"s are things that you don't really have to explicitly label -- the divisions between one and another should be evident to any reader who's paying attention.
Your first paragraph has no relevance to the story, and is mostly identical to the bland first paragraphs of a thousand other ponyfics. It does nothing but waste the reader's time. Delete it, and your story will be better.
We know who Twilight Sparkle is and what she looks like. The best thing about writing fanfiction is you can rely on people already knowing about most of the characters.
1. Delete "today". It's not really necessary and gives the sentence an odd feel.
2. "Doing [...] book" is a dependent clause, not a sentence of its own. You should join it to the sentence preceding it with a comma.
You can tell if something should or shouldn't be a sentence by whether or not it tells us about something performing an action.
"Twilight sat on her couch."
This is a sentence because it has an action (sitting) and something that's doing the action (Twilight).
"Drinking a cup of tea."
This isn't a sentence because it doesn't tell us who or what is drinking the cup of tea.
You can sometimes use sentence fragments as whole sentences if you're going for a specific effect or writing the dialogue of a character who speaks in a certain way, but generally you want to use full sentences.
Carmine already mentioned that your writing suffers from "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome", which is what we call it when you do this:
Ninety-five percent of the time, you should use a character's name or a pronoun (she, her, etc...) when referring to them. We already know what they look like, and using little descriptions in place of names can get very confusing and weird -- the reader has to keep breaking out of the story and thinking "who was the purple unicorn again?" Even if the reader only spends a split-second doing that, immersion is still broken.
If you're worried about repeating names or pronouns too much, experiment with different sentence structures. Having lots of different kinds of sentences makes your prose flow nicely and stops it from getting stilted.
Honestly, it is kind of stilted at the moment. It's better than a lot of other prose I've seen, but you could stand to mix up the way you write sentences a little -- just read some good fiction (books from the library, stories in the Pony Fiction Vault, etc...) and keep practising till you get a handle on that.
The word "designate" means "give a name to", like your parents may have designated you as whatever your birth name is.
It's not really appropriate in this context -- I think you were going for something like "call me" or "refer to me as". English is a slippery language, full of these words that mean almost the thing you want to express.
Also, random indentation is random. Remove those TABs.
On the upside, your dialogue punctuation is mostly perfect. Most authors get tripped up on that, so well done for getting it right.
I'm a lot better at critiquing language use than anything else, so I'll just leave you to your story now. In any case, not much as happened yet so it's hard to really judge.
So it's like Warcraft Second Life for ponies?
I smell .//hack
"The World" is calling. Looking forward to read more.
thumbs up for happy wheels
Okay. I hate to be that guy here because you have an interesting story going, but get a proofreader. The problems you have here can't be fixed with spell check. You're using the wrong words in many cases and your grammar needs fixing.
So, what MMORPG are you basing this on? Earth Eternal? Because I really this awesome World of Warcraft/ponies crossover the other day (World of Ponycraft, by CapnChryssalid), though that may be partially because WoW is the only MMORPG I've played in-depth (besides RuneScape, but that was YEARS ago...) And Team Fortress 2 is an MMOFPS, not RPG.
“You may be wondering why I seemed to be such a downer,” she said. “Well I don’t know much about the mare I was based on but from what I can tell from memory data, this one was incredibly truthfully down to the bone. I’ve been told that she did this sometimes to tease others, or as modern ponies may call it, ‘rustle their jimmies’.”
oh god, here it comes
“Really? Who told you that?” Twilight asked.
“Hmm, I believe it was somepony named Celestia.”
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Diablo's not an MMO! Diablo's a single player RPG that Blizzard's decided MUST be online at all times because they want all of their players to be connected to their friends via BattleNet at all times, and it annoys me that I am required to be online and subject to lag and connection issues to play a single-player game. However, the AH is nice.
Looks interesting, so I'm gonna track.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
ah nuthing like a great MMORPG this'll be good :3 im wishing it were already real heh please continue! upvote from me!
MOAR. I need MOAR. I also need this game, but I need MOAR of this fic. As a player of a few MMO's, I can see myself really getting into this fic fast.