You are Anon, first Aufpasser of the Everfree Forest, and god do you need a fucking break.
In the weeks following what the local Ponyville papers had described generously as “possibly the most embarrassing humiliation suffered by Equestrian Royalty since the Changeling Invasion”, you have barely had a moment to yourself.
First thing was first! Of course, you needed to make sure your new digs were in order! Seceding from Equestria and humiliating their rulers had done little to endear you to the citizens of Ponyville, so staying at your old digs much longer was out of the question.
The star spiders were easy enough to deal with, a bit of citrus oil, a little bit of eucalyptus extract (Thanks Zecora), and you managed to get rid of most of them. Enough to make Celestia’s old bedroom livable again. It wasn't much, but it had a roof, and intact windows, and as far as you knew, it now had a lack of spiders, which you very much appreciated.
But now came the hard part, actually getting the place back into decent shape was not going to be an easy task. Certainly not one you were going to accomplish on your own. I mean, fuck, you couldn’t even keep the place clean on your own with how fuckoff massive it was even if it was in top condition. It was on your fourth or fifth attempt to do so anyway and almost getting crushed by falling debris for your troubles that you decided that you were going to need to hire some help.
Unfortunately, again you were on less than good terms with Equestria at large right now, and most ponies would probably not give you the time of day. And that meant you would have to look elsewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are still very much Anon, and you have just gotten off of an extended flight into the Griffin Empire, or more specifically, the capital city of Griffinstone. Not so much an empire anymore really, more just...a series of craggy, desolate mountainous villages. As it turned out, waging war against Equestria had royally fucked their economy, and with their last official king, Guto, losing some sort of sacred relic to a cyclops, they haven’t been able to recover and have just been languishing in a state of pseudo anarchy. Or at least, that was what you managed to glean out of the ratty ass in-flight pamphlet the Griffin pulling the chariot had conned you into paying two bits for said.
As you walk around the ruined remains of what was probably once a pretty cool mountain city, you see a number of Griffins skulking about, seeming either sorry for themselves or stuck up their own flanks. You attempt to address one of them, an older guy by the looks of it.
“Hey man, I’m looking for-”
“Fuck off monkey.” They don't even look at you, they just keep right on walking like they hadn't said anything at all. God damn, absolutely stone fucking cold. Gotta admit, you kind of admire that, it’s pretty based.
You approach another a few minutes later, a younger fellow, almost young enough to be called a...chick? Cub? Foal. You have no fucking idea with these things, to be honest.
“Hey Lil dude, I’m trying to find out where I can talk to someone in charge here. Can you point me in the right direction?”
He hums softly for a moment, slowly looking you up and down as he scratches his chin with a claw, almost seeming to appraise whether or not you are worth using profanity on. Eventually, he nods, sticking out a claw. “Ten bits, and I’ll tell you what you need to know.”
“...you little fucker.”
Ten bits and some fairly discontented grumbling later, you manage to glean that the sort of de facto leader of the disenfranchised griffin communities seems to be a fellow by the name of Grampa Gruff. He isn't actually anyone's grandpa, apparently. It's more just an honorific title for being Really Fucking Old.
You make your way to where you were told you could find his home, internally swearing up and down to break that kid's leg if he was hustling you as you proceed to knock on the door. You hear clattering and squawking from within, and a particularly miserly, geezerly voice calls out with “Ah fuckin feathers, I’m comin!”
After a brief ruckus and some grumbling, the door opens, and indeed, an incredibly ancient-looking griffin appears from within the decaying hovel. He hacks his lung out before scowling up at you with his one good eye, the other scarred and milky. “And just what do you wa….oh, well if it isn’t the monkey thing what made a laughing stock of those prissy pony princesses.” he still sounds sour, but admittedly significantly less so.
You raise an eyebrow slowly, crossing your arms as you look down at the elder, asking as res[pectfully as you can muster in the face of such old-fuckery. “You’ve...heard of me then?”
“Well of course I’ve bloody heard of ya! You’re all the young folks about town have been talkin’ about all bloody week! Challenging a pony to rock paper scissors, I can’t believe they fell for the oldest one in the book!” he actually looks...a bit happy as he basks in the thought of their misery.
“Really now? I’m surprised, most people just told me to fuck off, and the ones that were willing to help charged me like, ten bits.”
The old griffin cackled softly at this, slapping your back. “My boy, we’re Griffins! An actual verbal response and ten bits for directions is practically a hero’s fucking welcome in these parts!”
You decide this is an excellent opportunity to press your luck and see how far your reputation can get you here. “Well, if you are interested, I was actually looking for some griffin folk in the market to make a few bits to help me rub some salt in the wound if you’d be game.”
He perks slightly more at the mention of bits, his grin becoming a bit more cynical, but no less pleased as he eyes you up appraisingly. “Really now, ya don’t say. Why don’t you come in, and tell me what you had in mind? I can’t guarantee anything of course, but if you slide a few of those bits my way, I can see about trying to convince some of the others to buy what you’re selling...”
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are, yup, still Anonymous, and boy did you get fucking lucky. As it turns out, there are two things that motivate a griffin more than anything else, Pure Unadulterated Spite, and the potential for profit. You just so happened to tap into both of those things with your...little proposal.
It was simple enough. You wanted about twenty or so Griffins to head back to the Everfree with you to help you renovate the castle and tend the grounds. In return for maintenance and defense of your property, you offered to grant the Griffins permission to settle the land in the proximity of the castle and to provide those settlers with Citizenship.
You are currently going down a fairly lengthy list of things to do with your...Lieutenants? Right claw griffins? They certainly seemed like the most dependable of the bunch. One is a male, going by the name of Gallus, who despite being quadrupedal and a bird cat creature, you can only describe as being a twink. He has a laid-back, sort of smarmy sarcastic way about him, but he’s intelligent from what you can glean, and he seems happy to be out here. Or well, anywhere but Griffonstone, for that matter. You have to admit, you see a bit of yourself in that attitude and you like the cut of his jib.
The other is a female, Gilda. You sort of remember her from that one time she visited Ponyville, but the two of you didn’t talk that much. Probably for the best that she doesn’t associate you with that visit, to be honest. She’s hotheaded, and honestly sort of downright nasty, and not in the hot way. But she’s ambitious and has that can-do attitude that only comes from really fucking hating someone's guts.
“Alright, Gallus, you are in charge of Alpha Team, you guys are going to be clearing rubble and preparing the way for me and Beta Team to come in and start repairs. Gilda, you’re Gamma Team. Get out there and keep an eye on the perimeter, let me know if anyone or anything that I would want to know about gets too close, and see if you can score dinner while you're at it. It’s been a long trip and I am sure we could all use something roasted and juicy.”
The two of them seem to understand their tasks well enough. Gallus gives a sort of mocking salute, rolling his eyes a tad as he stalks up to go gather his crew. “Yeah yeah, let’s get this over with…”
Gilda seems a bit more energetic, taking to the sky in front of you and licking her chops. “Hah, leave it to me Anon, Nothing is gonna get past us! As for the meat, I’ll try to save you some scraps, but no promises~” She taunts as she swoops off to go and see to her own group. God these birds are based as fuck, you kinda really dig it.
You give a soft sigh, looking over at the castle. It’s going to be a lot of work getting this place in working order. And then you’ll have to supervise the construction of proper housing outside of the castle proper for the next wave of settlers.
You just wanted some quiet, for God’s sake. Why does everything in horseyland have to be such a fucking ordeal.
This just keeps getting better and better. I wonder which way Rainbow is going to go over this.
Awesome!
10880482
Thanks! i guess we'll just have to see >;3
10880485
Thanks!
This kinda sorta reminds me of Slime Isekai, I wonder if he's going to found an egalitarian utopia for all species?
Keep up the good work!
Can't wait for more!
10880500
Yeah, I think its gonna be either something like that, or like 'Cartmanland', where the need for resources and personel just brings in more and folk in.
well all works out so far, awesome story i wonder what happens next and what shit the pony's give him next
10880241
Then, you're a natural schemer. Nice, or not, lol.
Wonder if Anon has any mirror shades he can get made so that Gilda gan go Chicken Season on the local Cockatrices?
Then again, she a smart birb, difficuly for a cockatrice to stare her in the face when she got it by the tail and using it as a whip against trees, manticores and the pony eating flowers?
Diamond dofs for mining, dragons for incineration and waste rock disposal? Something weve never seen, do dragons absorb the smaller amounts of minerals out of rocks and poop pure silica quartz sand, like parrot fish? Gems though are pure carbon for diamond, or alumina for sapphires, so low residue, pure sugar style? Which would make sandstone low quality, but kaolinite and shales higher?
10880500
You know he- *Spots your profile pic. All trains of thought come to a crashing halt.* Dude that's awesome. Man I'd love a fic like that.
CMC Metalheads! Yay!
... Anyway, my guess is this'll end with him finishing the work, then having to buy some other out of the way spot to try and get away from the craziness again.
This is starting to remind me (just a bit) of a light novel called Woof Woof Story, in that the main character expends more effort in grandiose attempts to get his goal than just dealing with initial aggravation as it happens.
Gilda, Gallus, and Anon. A trio I never thought of, but am loving it.
Oh sweet Celestia! By the Sun and Moon my sides are hurting so much. I swear if it was actually possible to "bust a gut" from laughing, this story would be responsible for busting mine 4 times so far. And you've only posted 4 chapters lol.
I’d have gone with Autarch of the Everfree, if for no other reason than it makes it sound like something that would make ponies frown. Also I love the bit about spite.
Anon getting the monkey's paw treatment
How big is the territory Anon's got now? What do the borders look like, is he landlocked? That's pretty unbased if so.
I can suddenly imagine Fluttershy suddenly inundated by the distressed calls of the local wildlife seeking shelter from Gilda, prompting the Mane 6 to dissuade Anon and his new citizens from 'hurting' the poor defenseless critters *looks at the Manticores and other crazy beasties in the Everfree*Yeah right.
Granted, the Everfree isn't part of Equestria anymore so Twilight might go overboard in making sure there's no political incident with Anon and his...is he keeping the name or will he rename it into something else?
taking the land annoyed the ponies, having a little kingdom in it with the old invaders gonna piss the ponies off even more
10880500
That time Anon ended up doing what Twilight's school of friendship was trying to do unintentionally. Looking forward to Anon somehow recruiting the other new mane 6 minus the pony, and how he interacts with them. Particularly Smolder, since most memelords both ironically and unironically like to joke about seducing dragons, and him making Smolder uncomfortable would be hilarious.
10880676
Exactly what I was thinking. Imagine what would happen if Anon's new kingdom comes out swinging during the Storm King's invasion?
Okaaay, the papers have been signed, the princesses was slapped hard to the moon and back, and got slapped again the second time by the griffins, time to play Civ. Waiting for more :P
Is it inappropiate to ask for Anon designing the Eveefree banner with the image of an open hand in front of a blue hoof?
I feel like Anon is falling for his own stone soup game.
Unlike the changeling invasion, Luna was directly involved with this
Kindred spirits, I take it?
(Annnnd so it begins! First is the castle and basic defenses. Then? Is the expansion of a livable community!
Of course, Anon's still going to have a LOT of problems. Infrastructure, trade, making a viable economy... really, if he just wanted peace and quiet, secession was probably one of the worst moves. Still though, a LOT more fun for us! I look forward to seeing what kind of demographics he gets in his emerging nation, and it's stylistics!
Also, final for now, I really blame Luna for this turning into a national embarrassment. I mean really, Celestia, Twilight, AND Cadence were all reasonable and intelligent ponies who could have negotiated on the matter at least a little, found some kind of common ground, or maybe even talked him out of it with truthful explanations of how much more work he'd be adding to his plate. However, Luna just swooped in and made it all come down to a single event in her rashness, and BAM! That was that. Really, I get why Equestria's not fond of Anon right now, but I've got to place the blame here almost solely on Moon Horse.
Oh! Also, one more thing, I like Anon's newly chosen title. Very unique. I now only wonder if that was already in the books and applied to him, or if he made it himself.)
Ah ha! I was right! Logic has no place in this story!
Use the wings Luna! Use the wings!*
Uh oh. Development on wild lands? Settling previously unknown territory? I know someone who isn't going to be too happy about that.
Yes! Canon confirmation of Season 8 Characters confirmed!
10880745
If only she had remembered her wings could bend!
10880622
Fluttershy is proberbly going to be a issue given where her critters live and her strong allegiance to the crown. And she's proberbly not going to be the worst of it.
"Discord has entered the Everfree." Anon takes a spit take. "Wait what?!" "Defend your title." Meanwhile... "Who's the best warlord now Anonymous?! Who?!" "I would think that would be Discord." "As the one who manipulated him into attacking Anon, I'm still technically the warlord here!" "Fine Lulu, but could you please keep it down? The staff is starting to complain about your cackling and shrieking up here during all hours of the night." "Fine! But I'm still the best warlord! The Best!" "Certainly Lulu."
10880745
I mean, they were already doing it before the school came around in cannon, so this wouldn't be unusual.
I'm looking forward to his interactions with most of the Season 8 cast, minus what happened to the Main Six. Maybe Neighsay will have a personality this time around. And Cozy Glow is always fun, particularly when she is paired with someone else with no shame.
You're assuming that Smolder won't put up with him just for lavish gifts.
More likely she'd be annoyed, but it's not like we know that much about her, and we've never seen Smolder's greed pitted against her dignity before. Besides she was clearly annoyed when the tree tried to make her into a lady at first, but she still gave in anyway.
10873897
All proceeds according to the master plan. Everything is coming up Spoiled- I mean Ponyville. Although, is there really a difference in this case?
*Congrats to 10875721 for seeing a solution that even the author missed!
HA! horseyland!
i wonder if the diamond dogs are nearby and friendly enough to get them in-line with anon's country? land? pseudo empire?
The Most Honourable Marquess Anonymous, Ruler of the forest Everfree, and of Burgundian manner. May he take this untamed land and - by his eforts and those of his subjects - reform it into a land worthy of a lord.
May his Castle never have need of a dungeon, his pikemen have no need of whetstones, and his people fret not about disease.
May the bears pledge to him their fealty, and many does be caught by his shot.
To you Most Honourable Anonymous, the great woodland now bends its branches - no wildman nor heretic of animalkin may speak against thine name.
Take this power in the polite manner of a righteous Anglo-Saxon noblemanm, this is your land now - and may those who defy that decree either renounce their claim upon meeting your eye, or your sabre.
So, a full-on renovation of the Castle of the Two Sisters? Oh, this is gonna be good. Luna's gonna be declaring war by the end of this— Celestia's probably been having to hold her back from doing it already.
Whuh-oh, slipped into first person there for a sec.
10880513
THIS is where I see it going. The Cartmanland route. By the end Anon's probably eventually going to get tired of it and just go back to his old place, if they even let him back in. I bet Zecora would be willing to take ownership, since Anon probably wouldn't want to give the forest back to the Equestrian government just to spite Luna. Pretty sure Zecora has the patience to go through the paperwork again.
10880622
Oh yeah, griffons + Flutters' furry critters is NOT going to be a happy combination. Discord will be knocking on the door frequently on her behalf.
Hell, he's probably going to be knocking on the door frequently anyway just to fuck with Anon.
10880873
Good Catch on the typo! Glad you enjoyed ^^
10880799
Glad to hear you are enjoying!
I made it up lol. I figured something along the lines of "Minder" or "Chaperone" really fits his attitude towards the whole situation. Yeah he's in charge he guesses, but he's really just here to make sure everything's operating smoothly and noones wrecking the place up. Man just wants to go fishing, goddammit xD
10880891
You're welcome.
By the way, you realize you've been in the Featured box for over a week? Keep updating at the rate you are and you'll never leave it.
Anon, if you wanted some peace and quiet, you probably shouldn't have founded a nation with yourself as the head.
anon gonna fill his forests with sassy people isn't he? love it~!
Awesome Story, i like it so far.
But One Question : Why Aufpasser? Aufseher is a much better Word, if you try to go for Overseer. It doesn't sound so very dull like Aufpasser.
Or in the same kategorie for -to look after somthing- would be Wache/Wächter or Hüter. Commenly use for Protector of Land/something or Warden of things
Verwalter if you wanne go into the bureaucracy as the aquivalent of administrator.
10880918
Like I told Allsmiles: I figured something along the lines of "Minder" or "Chaperone" really fits his attitude towards the whole situation. Yeah, he's in charge he guesses, but he's really just here to make sure everything's operating smoothly and noones wrecking the place up. The man just wants to go fishing, goddammit xD
It would be funny if he got enough griffins making it a small country that would really piss em off
First the catbirbs, then the seabirbs, then hissing cuddlebugs, and if we are lucky, maybe a dragonpone or two or a zebra.
i cant wait for the ponies to be so pissed off at Anon that he just erects a giant sign that says "No Ponies Allowed!"
Wait. If he has citizens... Does that mean he can tax them?
10880934
Catbirbs for days! Gallus is best catbirb.
10880904
As much as I appreciate all of the love my story has gotten, I feel like there are probably some stories that deserve the spot a bit more. Hopefully I'll be off the board to make room before much longer ^^
10881151
Fair. Nice outlook on it.
10880968
Betcha that's gonna be part of his schtick— lure citizens in with the idea that for whatever reason he can come up with there's no need for taxes in the Everfree, so they can come and live tax-free. If he's still there two years later he can claim something came up and oops, now they need to be taxed. Crap like that happens in politics all the time, why not in an unpredictable magical forest?
10880934
There's already a zebra. The local doctor/shaman (shazebra?) at that.
10880873
I agree. The horns and drums of war are on the horizon...
Unless Anon uses his Diplomancy magic again.
10881202
I can already see how the war would go.
Several thousand guardponies go in to fanfare, trumpets, and a cheering crowd of local ponies. Hours later a few hundred limp out in in various states of dismemberment, disrepair, and altered forms. These being the lucky ones who broke and ran after the first few skirmishes - the "brave" guards kept moving forward and are never seen again. After this disaster Equestria has no choice but to sue for peace on Anon's terms. The end result being Luna has to spend one week out of each month working as a maid in Castle Everfree to pay the reparations. Why such a disaster?
Turns out that a few issues raised by the NCO's who actually knew which end of a spear to stick into the other guy were hoof-waved during the planning of the invasion.
One, ponies are lousy soldiers outside of parades (see: Changling invasion of Canterlot & Conquest of Equestrian by Storm King). Even worse, they're prone to panicing during unexpected situations (ex. local Everfree militia use the dastardly "hide in the trees and jump down on the horsies who can't look up" strategram).
Two, moving a large force into a massively overgrown area is harder than it sounds. Made even more so when you have no accurate maps or local scouts.
Three, well number two gets even harder when the forest is full of flora and fauna that consider ponies tasty snacks (see: Hydra), unruly interlopers (see notes: Ursa Major), and/or victims (see: Poison Joke). And those are just the known dangers.
Four is the big one. Giving command of said "army" to a group of mares who general lack of common sense defies all attempts to quantify, another mare who started this whole mess, and the last whose powers of obliviousness are so refined that she couldn't tell her adopted niece from an imposter that was rejected as an intern at a B-grade movie.
Old soldiers wisdom "If you know neither yourself or the enemy, you will succumb in every battle". And ponies are experts are not knowing.
Given the implied history between Griffons and Ponies in this story, Luna must be frothing at the mouth over Anon hiring them to staff the castle. Which is of course exactly why he did it.
I'm not gonna lie I expected diamond dogs to be honest
Though I am not disappointed
another great chapter of your writing nameundetermined
I gotta say I was not expecting the griffons in joining Anon's forest of awesomeness. I'm stoked to see where this goes, how will the griffons fit in this place. This is gonna be epic