Anon Buys the Everfree Forest
Your name is Anon, and you have had it up to here with these god damned pastel ponies.
You know they mean well, but fuck, it sure doesn’t make dealing with them any easier. Every other day it's something. Some new imminent disaster, harebrained scheme, or contrived friendship lesson. You tend to be a fairly patient extra-dimensional monkey-thing, but today has just been absolutely fucking ridiculous!
You are currently in your apartment, packing your belongings while being harangued by Princess Purplesmart, who is nervously trotting in place and looking up at you with one of those big-eyed pleading expressions the little shits like to shoot you so frequently.
Normally such an adorable, wide, wet-eyed look would be more than enough to get you to drop whatever gripe you had. Today was not a normal day, and it seemed she would actually have to use her words to convince you to reconsider.
“Anon, please! There’s no reason to take such drastic action! I mean sure, today was a bit hectic-”
You look back at her, giving her a less than credulous glare as your hands continue to move, placing objects into the briefcase before you.
She grimaces and her ears fall flat against her head as she shrinks slightly “Alright, today was a capital d Disaster, but do you really think moving is the best-”
You cut her off again, this time with actual words and not just a nasty look.”Twilight, you know that I tend to be fairly...permissive in regards to the level of bullshittery in this town, yes?”
She cringes slightly at your swearing, but nods, allowing you to speak your piece.
“Now, today I did not have much planned. I was going to enjoy the weather, maybe do some grocery shopping. Now explain to me why on Faust's Green Fucking Earth the first thing I saw when I walked out of my house today, was you and the rest of your little Pony Power Ranger friends fighting a giant flying bear with bee parts sticking out of it?”
At this point, you have packed some clothes, most of your loose bits, and a lunch and closed up the case. You are preparing to head out the door, with the little royal trotting behind, having not yet given up. “The Bugbear was taken care of as quickly as possible! We even made sure not to accidentally corral it towards your apartment this time!”
“Yeah, thanks for not putting another hole in my house via your ridiculous ponesapades. But my mind is made up. I can’t live like this, Twi, it’s too much excitement for me. I like peace and quiet.”
Twilight gave an almost condescending scoff. Almost, she was getting a bit better about that, to her credit. “And you decided that the best way to get that was to move to the Everfree Forest? Anon, that is one of the most unpredictable, wild places on the entire Equestrian Continent, why would you go there for peace and quiet? You have more bit’s than you can spend from writing all of those crazy books about stuff from your world, why wouldn’t you just move somewhere nice, like Canterlot, or Manehattan?”
You stop, turning to face her as you slowly bend down, a small smirk coming across your features as you explain it to her. “Because, my little Twiggles. I know that nine out of ten of you little pastel poners refuse to even set foot in that place,” you say, gently booping her nose with a single finger before standing back up and continuing to walk, leaving your friend to sputter and snort softly before following behind again as you continue. “Besides, Zecora tells me that if you leave well enough alone, things generally stay pretty quiet there. Just don’t go too far off the paths, and don’t burn the place down and things are fine.”
Twilight gives a huff and puffs her cheeks a bit, looking up at you with normal eyes, as opposed to those dewy, wide monstrosities she was trying to pass off as acceptable moments earlier. “Fine. I guess you won’t be too far away, and we can come and see you if we really want to…”
“That’s the spirit! And hey, nothing is stopping me from coming out to see you if I feel like it. I just want a bit of space.” You also wanted your house to stop getting destroyed on a bi-weekly basis, but that was, of course, implied, and less than tactful to bring up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometime later, you found yourself in the waiting room of the Mayor’s office, briefcase sitting in your lap as you listened to some shitty pony Muzak knockoff half-heartedly riffing in the background. Eventually, you are called by the secretary and allowed into the office proper.
The Mayor seems a bit excited to see you for once. Probably because you aren’t here to file yet another noise complaint or property damage claim. Her ears perk as she locks eyes with you from across the room “Ah yes, Mister Anonymous. Please come in! I was delighted when I heard you wished to purchase the Everfree Territory from our Township.”
This catches your ear, and you raise an eyebrow slowly as you take a seat in front of her desk. “Really now? I would have figured that a simple property purchase would not be so exciting.”
The Mayor wilts for just a moment, before returning to her previous chipper demeanor, admittedly dialing it back just a tad, seeming slightly...nervous now? “Oh, it isn’t normally. But admittedly...Anonymous, are you familiar with the history of Ponyville?”
You cross your arms and think back to the admittedly somewhat interesting if long-winded history lessons Twilight had given you after your arrival. On your request, she had explained the founding of Ponyville at length, and even directed you to Granny Smith for more information. Though of course conversation with the old nag was hit or miss at the best of times. “Somewhat. The original settlers were given clearance to colonize and settle the fringes of the Everfree, yes?”
“Not exactly, no.” The Mayor says as her nervousness visibly increases. She tugs softly at her collar and continues “We were actually given a significantly larger allotment of land than what we have been able to effectively settle. We were originally tasked with taming the entire forest, but as you can see, that is a...less than realistic goal, even with modern technological and mystical advancements. And since tax collection by township is determined in great part by the effective use and development of allotted land…”
“So what you are saying is, me taking this land off of your hands or er...hooves, is reducing the amount of tax you owe the crown? Sounds legit.” You say as you open your briefcase, taking out a fairly plump sack of bits and placing it on the table. “I guess I don’t mind killing two birds with one stone and helping the town out by taking a half-acre or two off of your hands. How much land will this get me?” You ask as you push the bag containing a significant quantity of your savings towards the elderly mare.
She flinches slightly at your predatory metaphor, but swallows dryly, eyes wide as she looks down at the bag. She slowly opens it and starts more quickly counting out the bits, using a scale and some weights.. She takes a calculator out and does some math and after about ten minutes says. “All of it.”
You tilt your head, giving a small, befuddled expression as you attempt to parse her meaning “Yes, I am giving you all of it, how much land will it get me?”
The Mayor gives a small sigh and shakes her head “no, you don't understand. My apologies, let me explain. The price we had set for the land was extremely low since essentially any amount would be better than extracting essentially negative value from the land. This will buy you the entire forest.”
Oh.
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This is a really creative concept and I cannot wait to see more!
How do you feel about living Off Grid, Anon?
Oh damn, this new fic has so much potential !
Living off-grid to politics, worldbuilding, renovating the old castle !
In the words of the Inquisitor:
Well shit.
Huh... Well, this should be interesting!
I can already see a few catches in this land-deal already--taxes & liability. I wonder if it includes a certain castle though, or Zecora's home.
If ponyland has youtube he could remake that one channel with the dude in the shorts.
10868822
10868890
If the Castle is not still property of the crown that is, might not since it is in ruins
10868792
Thanks!
10868800
We about to find out >:3
10868822
This guy gets it
10868840
pffft, indeed.
10868863
you know it!
10868881
>:3
10868894
pffft, nice
10868927
I'm leaning towards the structures existing within the bounds of the forest being legally considered abandoned. hell, the place is so shit if anon decided that it wasn't even part of equestria anymore i don't think there would be many objections. I don't think the princesses would be keen to spend resources occupying the Everfree.
10868965
The muse wills what it wills! if you are so keen to hear about when my projects will be completed, I do keep a discord open for curious folks to shoot me questions and the like ^^
Wow talk about a death wish peace and Quiet a monster infested forest and anon owns it now.
That's Murpy for you laughs at the plans of ponys and men.
Let's see Diamond dogs dragons chimera puckwudgies Giant rocs timberwolves cockatrices parasprites and as the cherry on top Ursa.
anon now has to deal with that peace and Quiet
OK. This looks like it has potential.
10868998
thanks!
Well I'm interested definently liked and followed
10869098
Thank you!
"Takes place starting shortly after the conclusion of Slice of Life."
Is this a story? Can't find it?
well this is an interesting start!
10869103
It’s the episode. Season 5 episode 9.
I like where this is going.
10869102
Lol you don't need to thank me it's a interesting and we'll written concept and I'm looking forward to reading more!
Does this involve building stuff? Cause if it is, I like to help with what you should do to make a useless piece of land more valuable. Also, I'm very much like a war strategist if you need one.
Hey Anon, why don’t you nationbuild Eh? Turn the Everfree forest into a microstate and populate it with immigrants, go and make the United States of the Everfree.
Uh, warning, insanity incoming.
WHAT? HE JUST BOUGHT THE ENTIRE EVERFREE FOREST!?
I demand more! If you are up for it of course.
Damn, looks like Anon is finally moving up in the world
HA! Nice.
10868894
https://i.imgur.com/0DzhW.gifv
He just bought the ENTIRE Everfree Forest...
Oh, you sweet summer child...
Is that a skewed New Afrika flag as the flag base?
10869696
Reminded me of Saint Kitts and Nevis.
Jfc, I go to bed and you beautiful bastards put me on the number one slot overnight. Uh, thanks I guess, always a bit of a shock to end up trending like this, lol.
10869235
It might, I do intend to keep anon true to his original goal of just wanting some peace and quiet, whether he gets it is another question >;3
10869696
It's an anarchist flag, featuring Anon Green and a stripe of red to represent his rejection of Spontaneous Equine Bullshit tm, and a yellow tree to symbolize the wealth of natural resources in the forest.
though you could definitely read it that way!
How interesting, I wonder how this highly potential concept is going to play out.
You have me intrigued [nameundetermined], I look forward to seeing what Anon will do with an entire forest, if anything.
And thus the empire of anon was born, kinda make me think about micro nations
10869860
He could do it too. Imagine if Equestria, all happy and joyful and peaceful as could be, suddenly ended up with a microstate on its borders; formerly territory that most ponies were terrified to enter due to it’s independent environment, now governed by a creature as outlandish as itself.
Huh... I wonder if him being legal owner of the Tree of Harmony™️ is gonna have any impact on future events...?
10869880
Holy shit! He owns the tree of Harmony and the Castle of The Two Sisters!
Anon owns Zecora’s Hut, the Castle of the Two Sisters, the Tree of Harmony, and the Deer Kingdom. This is going to be interesting.
Ok you have my interest
10869860
Now he just has to worry about some pesky internet reviewers coming to invade him later.
10869102
Oh dear, this is going to be a disaster in motion...I can't wait to see what happens next!
Well alright then. We have a
possiblydefinitely cursed forest. Population: you, a zebra, and zog-only-knows-what -else.This is a fantastic hook
10870015
Thanks! It was hard not to drag the chapter out longer, I really wanted to leave it on a firm hitting note ^^
10869882
you mean anon hat stand and the castle of suck it luna and celestia
10870090
This is not inaccurate
The fun thing about the Everfree, is that besides most of the mythical creatures, it's pretty much like the forests at home. Also fun fact, did you know that a lot of wild animals prefer not to fuck with humans?
10870118
if i recall (and it is a hazey memory) that is because most animals have encounterd a human at one point. i think if it is somewhere humans havent been (on a deserted island in our world) anamals wouldnt have the same want of staying away.
But anon has delt with ponys for a while apparently in this world so timber wolfs and manticorns are just sticky wolfs and funny bears to a man like that. mabey he will get a pet manticorn?
10870118 Except in New Jersey, where deer, geese, and now turkeys beat the crap out of the pitiful, weak hyoomans.
As I commanded!