This story is a sequel to Aftermath of the Tantabus
Cover image made by: 90Sigma
Rewriting done. Since some people gave like to the current chapter it will not be deleted, it has been added as a separate chapter (the rewrite).
First story so this is probably horrible but I have to start somewhere, I hope you people can tell me what I did wrong and how to get better.
What looks to be another day for Luna turns into a week of doubt as her sister informs her that she wants them to retire.
I don't think Luna would just give up the throne as soon as the option comes so what I'm trying with this story is to write Luna's doubts as she tries to see the pros and cons of such a decision.
Chapters (2)
Not bad for a first try, but definitely room for improvement.
First, read this, it is a great writing guide and I highly recommend it. Absorb the knowledge, and then go over your story again to remove the grammatical mistakes. Then do it again. Then four more times. Even the best story will be brought low if the grammar doesn't pass muster. At lot of people, including myself, won't even go past a few paragraphs if it's bad enough. That doesn't mean it will make a poor story good, but these basics are required for you to succeed.
Next, take a look at the series of events. This is a story about having misgivings about her retirement, and is split into three parts.
Part 1 is Celestia informing Luna of the retirement, and Luna's initial concerns. A good place to start as any, however if falls short in three key areas. Issue One, Luna is far too passive here. She is a being of over a thousand years of age, and has been shown to clash regularly with Celestia in canon on policies and other issues. She would not have let Celestia speak over her. Issue Two: Celestia talks down to Luna like a teenager. They may have their differences, but one thing Celestia has for Luna is respect. Issue Three: the way they both speak is...off. I don't have a real way to explain this aside from suggesting that you imagine this scene as a show, and play out the lines you've given them in their voices. They do not sound like well seasoned monarchs.
Part 2 is Luna musing about the future of Equestria. First off, deitalicize everything and convert it from an inner monologue to the narrator's point of view. Italicized thoughts are, in my opinion, stand-ins for words that a character might have said, but chose to keep to themselves. Most of her concerns have merit, however the bit about technology dragged on a bit long, and didn't contribute. A single paragraph about recent advances would have been enough. The comment about giving up the Sun and Moon feels like something she should already know due to her experience. Their conversation on the balcony is about this issue, so if you want to keep it I suggest changing its focus to another issue. Also, way too many uses of the word 'sister' here.
Part 3 is the end, and Luna's acceptance. Again, she seems to be a bit too passive here. In my opinion, Luna would end up at something more like reluctant acceptance. In regards to the war issue, it feels kind of like it was thrown in as an after thought. War is a serious concern for a nation, and if Celestia has assurances that it's impossible, it would be best to explain that somewhat, rather than having Luna passively accept it. The sudden switch from such a serious matter to what they will be doing in their free time is jarring, try to smooth that out a bit. Also, again with too many uses of the word 'sister.' Imagine how odd it would sound if someone said your name every time they spoke to you, and you'll have an idea of what I mean.
All in all, a good first try. Read that guide I linked, it will help. I also suggest finding some highly rated stories with a long word count to read. I'm not saying copy what they do, but taking inspiration from their sentence structure and how they flow from topic to topic should help you deal with that issue.
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Thanks for the review, really needed it for my first story, I will make my opinion on the next quotes.
That's as good as I could hope for honestly, this story will very likely have a couple of rewrites as ways to improve it appear, same will probably be for my next couple of stories, hopefully it will shown that I got better by then.
I've read it a couple of times before submitting this story and a couple of times after that but knowing myself I had to get this story done and not worry too much about grammar before I got cold feet and run away. That first step is always the hardest, especially for me and my fear of being judged by a lot of people but if I'm to do this I need to stop fearing and go for it even if it will be bad, at least until I stop being so scared of pressing that submit button.
I didn't want to make them go all out on the argument considering Luna at this point is very tired but you're right that I might have gone too far. It is my idea that Celestia chose this moment to say it to avoid an all out argument with Luna but I will likely going to have make that more clear along with some more fight out her even if her counter-arguments are something that she thinks in the spur of the moment, considering the "Royal problem" episode it would make sense.
In my headcanon I believed that Celestia is constantly fighting to balance her views of Luna as little sister and co-ruler it's something she has been having trouble with it since they first took the throne (I think it was shown in "Sparkle's seven" with Celestia dismissing Luna's concerns) and will likely won't go away until their retirement. After being told you're right time and time again and basically rule a prosperous nation for so long one subconsciously tends to think that they're not wrong. But it may be too much, again I will look to see if I can do something about that.
That is probably my inexperience, it will hopefully go away as I keep writing and watch other works on how they portrait the sisters.
Yes, my idea was to have a few lines in thought and the rest from 3rd person but I just couldn't find a way to stop the 1st person once I started. That will change, I'm already looking for ways to switch from 1st to 3rd.
That is the first thing I'm going to take out to make way for new words, it was mostly me being too self-conscious of making the story too short.
And to think that I was really self-conscious about that, guess I slipped as the story went on, I will correct them.
That seem hard to do considered she seem really eager to retire in season 9 but I will see if I can do something.
I will see how I can change that, I do believe that war was something Luna focused more before her banishment so she would know even more of it's horrors than Celestia (which she already knows plenty herself).
Yes that bit was something that I couldn't find a way to put in the story without making it too sudden so it will change, probably by making the war happen earlier and putting something else in it's stead.
All in all considering I made this story in less than 2 days (yes reckless I know but like I said at the beginning if I just waited to make everything as good as it can be I would have never got the story done so thanks again for the review and I will take everything into consideration to improve, the best way to do it is to have an opinion on your work other than yourself.