It was another morning at Canterlot castle and the royal sisters after some casual conversation were having their meals before retiring to have court for Celestia and to sleep for Luna.
When Celestia was halfway through her food she stopped so she could speak to Luna. “Sister, I have something to tell you.”
Luna tiredly look up at Celestia. “What is it?”
Celestia took a breath and with a serious expression said. “I believe is time for us to retire” Luna suddenly seem to lose all tiredness as her eyes widened and screamed “What?!”
“Like I said, I believe it’s time to retire so we could pass the crown of Equestria to Twilight, our time as rulers has pass.” Celestia said.
Luna couldn’t believe it. “But sister It’s only a couple of years since I came back from the moon and I barely had time to rule again! Also Twilight has been an alicorn for even less time than that! How we can we trust her to be the sole ruler in so little time?”
“Twilight has been consistently showing that she can overcome any obstacle and she’s going to have the support of her friends so she won’t really be ruling alone.” Celestia replied.
“Her friends are still mortal ponies it’s sad but they are eventually going to leave her and with them being so close don’t you think Twilight is going to handle it bad? Luna asked.
“I’m sure she is going to make new friends in the future, after all she is the princess of friendship so even if her friends pass away she’ll have plenty others included us to alleviate her pain.” Celestia replied.
“But what about me? Liked I said before It’s not that long since my return and I still feel like I could contribute to Equestria, even if I have forgiven my mistakes I can’t just abandon my duty now! It’s like I’m just giving up on being a good ruler!” Luna said.
Celestia’s expression softens. “Oh, Luna you’ll always be a good ruler I’m sorry if you feel otherwise but if Equestria is going to prosper we need to step down, it’s Twilight’s destiny to lead this nation into a new era, there is no other path for us.
“As rulers our we need to sacrifice personal happiness for the happiness of our subjects even if that means giving the crown to another since that no matter what happens it is our obligation to think first of their well being before anything else.”
“B-but…” Luna stammered as all the energy she had at the start of the conversation was gone and now her tiredness coming back strong enough to disrupt her thought process.
Celestia took notice of this as she spoke. “Sister, you look very tired why don’t you go to sleep and think about what I said after you recover some energy? I have to start court now, I know you’ll make the right choice, sweet dreams my sister.” Celestia moved towards the door.
Luna could only watch as Celestia disappeared from the room as she stood there a couple minutes more before looking down and starting to walk to her room.
When she reached the door to her room one of the guards at the door spoke “Your Highness, are you okay?”
Luna turn her head to look at the guard “Yes my guard, don’t worry about me, I’m just tired.”
“Oh… okay your Highness, may you rest well” said the guard unsure but trusting that Luna wouldn’t hide it if she felt really unwell as he and his partner opened the door.
“Thank you” said Luna before entering her room and going straight to bed. As she let sleep overtake her thought “Just what I’m supposed to do…”
The next day:
After Luna woke up and finished getting ready to go out and start the night she saw that she still had time before night rise so her thoughts drifter to what Celestia said yesterday.
“Why do we have to retire now? Do we really need to retire? My sister had been ruling alone for a thousand years alone plus the time of us ruling together before that so I guess it makes sense for her to retire after so long.
“But what about me? Sister said I will be a good ruler but the fact is that I betrayed this both this country and her, while I have forgiven myself for those mistakes I still feel that retiring just after a few years of coming back is giving up on being a good ruler.
“If I do would that make a coward? It’s like accepting that the best I could do was what I did before my banishment which is a different era that this one, like I can’t adapt to this new era of friendship there is nothing I could do for my subjects.
“Is that why my sister said that our time has passed? That neither could contribute more to our ponies? No, I’m sure It’s not that we can’t contribute to them but that Twilight can give them more than us.
“I remember before my banishment I was the more progressive out of the two, always looking for new ways to facilitate the lives of our ponies while sister said that as long our subjects were happy there was no need for much change.
“All in all looking at the advances in technology it hasn’t as much as I thought for a thousand years, there has been miscellaneous advances in a lot of fields sure but breakthrough technologies have been very rare with either 1 or 2 per field like the train in transportation.
“Despite being around 500 years old the train is still the most advance transportation in the world and it wasn’t even invented by ponies! It was invented by a group of griffons that immigrated to Equestria!
“Now with much a lot more species coming here there has been some talk of researching a new type of vehicle that runs on wheels to completely replace carriages but it’s still in early stages for now.
“But while I have catch up with most advances by now it will be still be a lot of time before any changes come to function not to mention by now most of our population is completely adverse to a lot of changes thanks to the 1000 years of stability.
“It may be best for Twilight to bring forth this changes, she’s definitely got the intelligence and research drive for that but she was also my sister student, knowing her she will most likely rule as closest to my sister way as possible.
“There is also destiny, if Twilight’s destiny is to be the sole ruler of Equestria, what does it mean that my destiny it to threaten the world with eternal night only to be redeem and fade into the background a couple of years later?”
Luna sighed as she felt it was time to bring the night and she started making way to the balcony where she and Celestia bring forth day and night.
On the way she thought. “If Twilight takes power what about the sun and the moon? Does it mean we give our control of them to her or we’ll still move them while in retirement? Guess It’s something I’m going to have to ask sister about.”
After Luna reached the balcony, greeted Celestia and night started before going to the dining room Luna asked “Sister, it’s okay if I asked a question about what you said yesterday?”
Celestia turned to look at her sister and responded. “Of course, sister I’ll respond as best I can.”
Luna was nervous but pushed through it. “Sister, what’s going to happen to the sun and the moon if we retire? It’s something that we have done for a lot of time and it’s not easy, do we just give control of them to Twilight just like that?”
Celestia laughed and responded. “Oh Luna I’m sure that Twilight will master control of the sun and moon in no time and it’s something that our subjects connect to the throne so they expect whoever is in control of the throne to take care of them.
“It will also be seen as sign that the new ruler is just as powerful if not more than us, she certainly has the magic for it and it will only keep growing through out he centuries as she gets used to be an alicorn, eventually her magic is going to be much more powerful than even ours.”
Luna was still conflicted. “Sister, I’m still not sure about this, can I have more time to think?”
“Of course, sister just remember that we can’t lose much time, I feel like something is going to happen soon and we Twilight in the throne by then” Celestia replied.
“You and your ‘felling’s’ sister, sometime you are going to have to tell me why you seem to always get ‘felling’s’ before something happens.” Luna said she starting departing.
“Don’t worry sister I’m sure I will tell you sometime…” Celestia said with a smile as she followed Luna.
The next week:
Once again the sisters were in the dining room before the start of the day and Luna knew it was time for her to make a decision, she knew it, she had a week now to think about it but still had some small doubts about what to do.
She remember when she asked Celestia about if Twilight could adapt to the burden of leadership considering her worrying tendencies but Celestia responded with the fact that it always seem to work out in the end no matter how bad it is.
Luna also asked her if conflict would ever come to Equestria that the princess of friendship would not be exact the kind of leader the country needed in such a situation.
Celestia responded citing the times Twilight and her friends stop situations that could have ended very badly like with the yaks, the buffalo and changelings to tell her that time have change and war was something of the past.
Luna believed that war and evil was something that will eventually come to happen no matter how much time has past and one needs to be at least some plan on what to do if it ever happens but Celestia was would not budge on that war was impossible and whatever evil that could happen could be take care by Twilight and her friends.
“I just can’t believe that,” Luna thought, “is this really the way of the future or I’m just dooming this country? I guess that’s something only the future will say but does my sister is right with what she says is destiny?
“I always believed that destiny could be change if I worked hard enough but in the end it was my sister the one who has run this country for a millennia so I guess that she was right? Either way I just have one more thing to ask my sister.”
Luna looked at her sister close her eyes for a second, took a deep breath and she said. “Sister before I come to a decision I have one more thing to ask you.”
Celestia tilted her head looking at her sister. “Of course sister you can ask anything”
Luna opened her eyes and asked. “What is going to happen to us after retiring do you have any idea what we are going to do?”
Celestia smiled and spoke kindly. “Luna I’m sure that will have a great time in retiring, just think of the places you’ll always wanted to see but couldn’t because of our duties; think of all time we will have together to finally be just sisters again, please Luna can you retire with me?”
Luna look into the deep into eyes of her sister and after a couple of seconds and it was then that she knew. “Sister I have decided.”
Not bad for a first try, but definitely room for improvement.
First, read this, it is a great writing guide and I highly recommend it. Absorb the knowledge, and then go over your story again to remove the grammatical mistakes. Then do it again. Then four more times. Even the best story will be brought low if the grammar doesn't pass muster. At lot of people, including myself, won't even go past a few paragraphs if it's bad enough. That doesn't mean it will make a poor story good, but these basics are required for you to succeed.
Next, take a look at the series of events. This is a story about having misgivings about her retirement, and is split into three parts.
Part 1 is Celestia informing Luna of the retirement, and Luna's initial concerns. A good place to start as any, however if falls short in three key areas. Issue One, Luna is far too passive here. She is a being of over a thousand years of age, and has been shown to clash regularly with Celestia in canon on policies and other issues. She would not have let Celestia speak over her. Issue Two: Celestia talks down to Luna like a teenager. They may have their differences, but one thing Celestia has for Luna is respect. Issue Three: the way they both speak is...off. I don't have a real way to explain this aside from suggesting that you imagine this scene as a show, and play out the lines you've given them in their voices. They do not sound like well seasoned monarchs.
Part 2 is Luna musing about the future of Equestria. First off, deitalicize everything and convert it from an inner monologue to the narrator's point of view. Italicized thoughts are, in my opinion, stand-ins for words that a character might have said, but chose to keep to themselves. Most of her concerns have merit, however the bit about technology dragged on a bit long, and didn't contribute. A single paragraph about recent advances would have been enough. The comment about giving up the Sun and Moon feels like something she should already know due to her experience. Their conversation on the balcony is about this issue, so if you want to keep it I suggest changing its focus to another issue. Also, way too many uses of the word 'sister' here.
Part 3 is the end, and Luna's acceptance. Again, she seems to be a bit too passive here. In my opinion, Luna would end up at something more like reluctant acceptance. In regards to the war issue, it feels kind of like it was thrown in as an after thought. War is a serious concern for a nation, and if Celestia has assurances that it's impossible, it would be best to explain that somewhat, rather than having Luna passively accept it. The sudden switch from such a serious matter to what they will be doing in their free time is jarring, try to smooth that out a bit. Also, again with too many uses of the word 'sister.' Imagine how odd it would sound if someone said your name every time they spoke to you, and you'll have an idea of what I mean.
All in all, a good first try. Read that guide I linked, it will help. I also suggest finding some highly rated stories with a long word count to read. I'm not saying copy what they do, but taking inspiration from their sentence structure and how they flow from topic to topic should help you deal with that issue.
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Thanks for the review, really needed it for my first story, I will make my opinion on the next quotes.
That's as good as I could hope for honestly, this story will very likely have a couple of rewrites as ways to improve it appear, same will probably be for my next couple of stories, hopefully it will shown that I got better by then.
I've read it a couple of times before submitting this story and a couple of times after that but knowing myself I had to get this story done and not worry too much about grammar before I got cold feet and run away. That first step is always the hardest, especially for me and my fear of being judged by a lot of people but if I'm to do this I need to stop fearing and go for it even if it will be bad, at least until I stop being so scared of pressing that submit button.
I didn't want to make them go all out on the argument considering Luna at this point is very tired but you're right that I might have gone too far. It is my idea that Celestia chose this moment to say it to avoid an all out argument with Luna but I will likely going to have make that more clear along with some more fight out her even if her counter-arguments are something that she thinks in the spur of the moment, considering the "Royal problem" episode it would make sense.
In my headcanon I believed that Celestia is constantly fighting to balance her views of Luna as little sister and co-ruler it's something she has been having trouble with it since they first took the throne (I think it was shown in "Sparkle's seven" with Celestia dismissing Luna's concerns) and will likely won't go away until their retirement. After being told you're right time and time again and basically rule a prosperous nation for so long one subconsciously tends to think that they're not wrong. But it may be too much, again I will look to see if I can do something about that.
That is probably my inexperience, it will hopefully go away as I keep writing and watch other works on how they portrait the sisters.
Yes, my idea was to have a few lines in thought and the rest from 3rd person but I just couldn't find a way to stop the 1st person once I started. That will change, I'm already looking for ways to switch from 1st to 3rd.
That is the first thing I'm going to take out to make way for new words, it was mostly me being too self-conscious of making the story too short.
And to think that I was really self-conscious about that, guess I slipped as the story went on, I will correct them.
That seem hard to do considered she seem really eager to retire in season 9 but I will see if I can do something.
I will see how I can change that, I do believe that war was something Luna focused more before her banishment so she would know even more of it's horrors than Celestia (which she already knows plenty herself).
Yes that bit was something that I couldn't find a way to put in the story without making it too sudden so it will change, probably by making the war happen earlier and putting something else in it's stead.
All in all considering I made this story in less than 2 days (yes reckless I know but like I said at the beginning if I just waited to make everything as good as it can be I would have never got the story done so thanks again for the review and I will take everything into consideration to improve, the best way to do it is to have an opinion on your work other than yourself.