Do report to phoenix duty promptly when it's your turn on the duty roster.
Don't try to fob it off on anypony else. When you're up for phoenix duty, she is your phoenix.
Do have your armor polished and in top condition before beginning phoenix duty. She likes the reflective surfaces.
Don't expect to end phoenix duty with your armor in top condition. Or your mane. Or much else.
Do feed your phoenix foods high in oils and other combustibles.
Don’t line her cage with newspaper or other flammable materials. For the purposes of phoenix droppings, read “flammable” as “organic.”
Do use incense and other aromatic burnables as treats.
Don’t let your phoenix learn where her treats are stored. Given their fragrance, this requires keeping them in an airtight container.
Do give your phoenix plenty of time outdoors to stretch her wings and bask in the sun.
Don’t assume she’ll be content to stay in her cage or the room containing her cage during long stretches of overcast weather.
Do give your phoenix as much respect as you would her owner.
Don’t think she can’t open doors, whether the door to her cage, the door to the princess’s chambers, or the door to the pantry with the sandalwood supply. She’s had more than a millennium to figure out doorknobs, and she’ll try to burn through any doors she can’t open.
Do keep plenty of burn ointment on hoof while watching your phoenix.
Don’t assume wards against fire are the only precautionary equipment you’ll need. Those talons and beak are sharp even when they can’t scorch, your phoenix is very good at finding gaps in your armor, and tugging on your mane and tail are always options for her.
Do bring a few toys to keep your phoenix entertained.
Don’t use the same toy for too long. If you don’t watch for signs of growing boredom (listless wings, increased distraction, heat haze,) you’ll definitely notice when the remains of the toy drip onto the carpet. And then set it on fire.
Do record the activities you perform with your phoenix in the duty log.
Don't forget to review the previous few days as you begin your duties. Her memory is longer than you think, and her patience is slow to return for any given toy.
Do make sure all fire suppression spells in the play area have been properly maintained.
Don't threaten the castle maintenance staff with your phoenix. It's hard enough keeping up with her. Some members of the arcane divisions have hypothesized that she pecks at the spells when we're not looking.
Do watch for signs of molting. They can strike suddenly, and the process makes phoenixes testier than normal. Yes, that's possible.
Don't let the Princess take her phoenix—and no matter who is on phoenix duty, she is always the Princess's phoenix first and foremost—with her on a royal visit during a molt without putting your objection on the record. It won't stop her, but it will cover your rump.
Do maintain a closer guard cordon around the Princess during royal visits when she brings her phoenix with her, especially during a molt.
Don't assume the phoenix can't get far without primaries. She can and, if given the opportunity, she absolutely will.
Do remain calm in the event of the phoenix disappearing during a royal visit. You are a symbol of stability, safety, and strength for the ponies of Equestria. Running around like a startled chicken projects none of these qualities.
Don't hide the situation from the Princess. For one, she's probably noticed that her pet has gone missing. For another, she probably has a good idea of where her pet has gone.
Do take the Princess's advice under serious advisement.
Don't treat that advice as entirely and completely correct. Her phoenix has surprised her in the past. And "surprised" her as well.
Do review similar past incidents for further guidance on how to proceed.
Don't immediately assume the Bearer of Kindness kidnapped her again. Especially if you are not currently in Ponyville.
Do calmly ask local civilians for their assistance in locating your phoenix (and while locating her while she's gone astray, she is once more your phoenix.)
Don't assume the suspiciously small and mute griffon or hippogriff is merely suffering from syringitis and a glandular condition. Especially not if she has a mustache.
Do assure civilians that their assistance in locating your phoenix will be rewarded.
Don't imply that this reward will include waiving any criminal charges. You do not speak for the Princess, especially not with regards to royal pardons.
Do make sure your phoenix is properly secured upon locating her. Depending on how far the molt has progressed, this may require a cage or a dustpan. Have both ready.
Don't hit her over the head with the dustpan to ensure she'll stay still enough to go in the cage. The bruise may pass with the burn, but the memory will not.
Do report the apprehension of her phoenix to the Princess immediately.
Don't do so unless you have her phoenix on your person at the time of the report. And make sure you still have her immediately before making said report.
Do accept the Princess's apology with grace.
Don't think to hard about how much she smiles when she gives it.
"Sister."
Celestia looked up from her desk and realized she'd set the sun without even noticing. Again. At least this time, somepony had been there to raise the moon while she'd been distracted. She smiled and lay down her quill. "Yes, Luna?"
Luna walked into her office, muzzle still in the small book she held in her magic. "I have been reviewing the modern edition of the Royal Guardspony's Uplifting Primer."
"It hasn't been called that for centuries," said Celestia. She wasn't sure if she wanted to smile nostalgically or just roll her eyes.
"I am aware, and like many changes in this modern era, it leaves me sorely disappointed. But I come not because of that, but to ask thee a question." Luna looked up and turned the Royal Guard Hoofbook so Celestia could see it opened to the section on phoenix duty. "Why didst thou allow yon cantankerous emberfowl to run rampant until her puckish ways were recorded among the very tenets our esteemed guardsponies hold dear?"
Philomena, for her part, stuck her tongue out at Luna, a gesture the younger princess returned in kind.
"Oh, that." Celestia grinned.
"Aye. That. I expected thee to stuff her with rubies and offer her as a gift to some neophyte Dragonlord centuries ago."
Celestia shrugged her wings. "Honestly? In this day and age, looking after her is the closest thing most of them have to combat experience." She smiled at her pet, who sang a few proud notes.
"Ah. I see." Luna nodded to herself, turned on a rear hoof, and walked out of the office.
"Where are you going?"
"Into the Everfree, that I may find a similar beast to harden and bloody our stalwart armsponies in these gentle times." Luna's perfectly level tone trailed off into thoughtfulness "Mayhaps something with venom."
"Luna."
She looked back with a grin. "'Twas a jest."
Celestia couldn't help but chuckle and shake her head. "It's good to have you back."
"'Tis good to be back, Sister."
And, because they were sisters, Celestia added, "But I'm serious, no venom."
Luna rolled her eyes. "Very well, very well. I shall be... creative."
Do report to opossum duty promptly when it's your turn on the duty roster.
Don't request a transfer to the Solar Guard. Phoenix duty isn't any better.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Spells aren't actually sent to the graveyard until after they resolve (or fail to, if they're countered or lose track of all their targets), so you'll need a second Very Cryptic Command if you want to do the thing you thought of when you read the last option. And you'll have to make sure the second one has the same set of effects, because Unstable.
Oh, the actual chapter? Well, everything but the Warhammer 40k reference is probably canon. And I wouldn't put it past the comics to keep that bit, either.
Yea, Philomena and Celestia are made for each other. I'm just sad they didn't do more with her in series.
It's an enlightening experience for everyone. Marvelous work.
And now, I shall invoke the mighty incantation, which shall guarantee some unusual and stressful even shall occur.
*Clears throat.*
"How hard can it be to take care of one little possum?"
As much as I love Celestia and Philomena's shared mischievous streak, I need to see more stuff with Tibbles.
10267508
I mean, yaks are basically just meat-based orkz, the seaponies are what would happen if Slaanesh weren't the Eldar's fault but targeted them anyway, parasprites are clearly a precursor species to Tyranids, and the kirin are Tau before getting displaced in time by the Warp. (Literal Fire Warriors!)
10267549
The comics do do more with her, including the Kaijuberry Incident. (Bit of a long story there.)
And I do wonder how Solarian phoenix-born would feel about this list...
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"We killed it!"
"It's a possum."
"We may or may not have killed it!"
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Like many comic-exclusive characters, Tiberius suffers from relative obscurity. It's a shame; there's some genuinely good content to be had. And also moments like Lawful Stupid Twilight insisting that nonmagical sapients can do infinite crime, but still.
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Kaijuberry incident, eh? I haven't read all of the comics, so what brought that on?
Re: Solarian phoenixes - It would really depend on the phoenix in question. I think it'd be most applicable to Amara and Philomena, who are troublemakers. Dylis, Vestian and Akari on the other hand, have more serious personalities and probably aren't troublemakers to the same degree. They'd probably have lists more in line with "here is how to show proper respect to the phoenix, and how to apologize if [read: when] you make a mistake". And, since they have an instantaneous and direct line of communication to their partners via the bond…
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Celestia and Luna wanted to compete at a Sisterhooves Social. In order to keep things fair (and because they didn't have the free time to do it themselves,) they contracted the earth pony witch seen in the linked panels to craft two potions: one to diminish their power to mortal levels and another to restore it. Kibbitz, their majordomo, accidentally fed their pets some of the latter.
Granted, the diminishing potion went from merely inhibiting their magic to eliminating it entirely partway through the issue, because Andy Price is an amazing artist, but not the tightest writer. There's also the fact that said potions can apparently be slipped into any food, which raises some major concerns for hostile coups, whether slipping one to the princesses or using the other to go full "The Ending of the End." On the other hand, earth pony spellcaster. You learn to take the good with the bad with the comics. It's Friends Forever #38 if you want to see the full story for yourself.
Hoo, Philomena. Talk about your blasts from the past.
"focuses solely on those two pages of Tiberius"
Tiberius is verily the best opossum and royal pet, but Philomena comes in as a very close second.
Also:
Don't even think about buying a woodchipper. Seriously, don't.
But not, you will note, any worse.
Going though the anthology for tropes once again! Still great!
The slow ramp up of the rules is noice!
And then sudden Celestia and Luna!
Then bam! New set of rules starts! ... At least Tiberius isn't magical? ... Then again, it came from the Everfree? Or perhaps Fluttershy...? Along with any enchantments on him...
Hmm. Luna gets a male pet, Celestia gets a female one.
----
Typo:
of of stability > of stability