//------------------------------//
// The Dos and Don'ts of Phoenix Care 
// Story: Story Shuffle 2: Double Masters 
// by FanOfMostEverything 
//------------------------------//

Do report to phoenix duty promptly when it's your turn on the duty roster.

Don't try to fob it off on anypony else. When you're up for phoenix duty, she is your phoenix.

Do have your armor polished and in top condition before beginning phoenix duty. She likes the reflective surfaces.

Don't expect to end phoenix duty with your armor in top condition. Or your mane. Or much else.

Do feed your phoenix foods high in oils and other combustibles.

Don’t line her cage with newspaper or other flammable materials. For the purposes of phoenix droppings, read “flammable” as “organic.”

Do use incense and other aromatic burnables as treats.

Don’t let your phoenix learn where her treats are stored. Given their fragrance, this requires keeping them in an airtight container.

Do give your phoenix plenty of time outdoors to stretch her wings and bask in the sun.

Don’t assume she’ll be content to stay in her cage or the room containing her cage during long stretches of overcast weather.

Do give your phoenix as much respect as you would her owner.

Don’t think she can’t open doors, whether the door to her cage, the door to the princess’s chambers, or the door to the pantry with the sandalwood supply. She’s had more than a millennium to figure out doorknobs, and she’ll try to burn through any doors she can’t open.

Do keep plenty of burn ointment on hoof while watching your phoenix.

Don’t assume wards against fire are the only precautionary equipment you’ll need. Those talons and beak are sharp even when they can’t scorch, your phoenix is very good at finding gaps in your armor, and tugging on your mane and tail are always options for her.

Do bring a few toys to keep your phoenix entertained.

Don’t use the same toy for too long. If you don’t watch for signs of growing boredom (listless wings, increased distraction, heat haze,) you’ll definitely notice when the remains of the toy drip onto the carpet. And then set it on fire.

Do record the activities you perform with your phoenix in the duty log.

Don't forget to review the previous few days as you begin your duties. Her memory is longer than you think, and her patience is slow to return for any given toy.

Do make sure all fire suppression spells in the play area have been properly maintained.

Don't threaten the castle maintenance staff with your phoenix. It's hard enough keeping up with her. Some members of the arcane divisions have hypothesized that she pecks at the spells when we're not looking.

Do watch for signs of molting. They can strike suddenly, and the process makes phoenixes testier than normal. Yes, that's possible.

Don't let the Princess take her phoenix—and no matter who is on phoenix duty, she is always the Princess's phoenix first and foremost—with her on a royal visit during a molt without putting your objection on the record. It won't stop her, but it will cover your rump.

Do maintain a closer guard cordon around the Princess during royal visits when she brings her phoenix with her, especially during a molt.

Don't assume the phoenix can't get far without primaries. She can and, if given the opportunity, she absolutely will.

Do remain calm in the event of the phoenix disappearing during a royal visit. You are a symbol of stability, safety, and strength for the ponies of Equestria. Running around like a startled chicken projects none of these qualities.

Don't hide the situation from the Princess. For one, she's probably noticed that her pet has gone missing. For another, she probably has a good idea of where her pet has gone.

Do take the Princess's advice under serious advisement.

Don't treat that advice as entirely and completely correct. Her phoenix has surprised her in the past. And "surprised" her as well.

Do review similar past incidents for further guidance on how to proceed.

Don't immediately assume the Bearer of Kindness kidnapped her again. Especially if you are not currently in Ponyville.

Do calmly ask local civilians for their assistance in locating your phoenix (and while locating her while she's gone astray, she is once more your phoenix.)

Don't assume the suspiciously small and mute griffon or hippogriff is merely suffering from syringitis and a glandular condition. Especially not if she has a mustache.

Do assure civilians that their assistance in locating your phoenix will be rewarded.

Don't imply that this reward will include waiving any criminal charges. You do not speak for the Princess, especially not with regards to royal pardons.

Do make sure your phoenix is properly secured upon locating her. Depending on how far the molt has progressed, this may require a cage or a dustpan. Have both ready.

Don't hit her over the head with the dustpan to ensure she'll stay still enough to go in the cage. The bruise may pass with the burn, but the memory will not.

Do report the apprehension of her phoenix to the Princess immediately.

Don't do so unless you have her phoenix on your person at the time of the report. And make sure you still have her immediately before making said report.

Do accept the Princess's apology with grace.

Don't think to hard about how much she smiles when she gives it.





"Sister."

Celestia looked up from her desk and realized she'd set the sun without even noticing. Again. At least this time, somepony had been there to raise the moon while she'd been distracted. She smiled and lay down her quill. "Yes, Luna?"

Luna walked into her office, muzzle still in the small book she held in her magic. "I have been reviewing the modern edition of the Royal Guardspony's Uplifting Primer."

"It hasn't been called that for centuries," said Celestia. She wasn't sure if she wanted to smile nostalgically or just roll her eyes.

"I am aware, and like many changes in this modern era, it leaves me sorely disappointed. But I come not because of that, but to ask thee a question." Luna looked up and turned the Royal Guard Hoofbook so Celestia could see it opened to the section on phoenix duty. "Why didst thou allow yon cantankerous emberfowl to run rampant until her puckish ways were recorded among the very tenets our esteemed guardsponies hold dear?"

Philomena, for her part, stuck her tongue out at Luna, a gesture the younger princess returned in kind.

"Oh, that." Celestia grinned.

"Aye. That. I expected thee to stuff her with rubies and offer her as a gift to some neophyte Dragonlord centuries ago."

Celestia shrugged her wings. "Honestly? In this day and age, looking after her is the closest thing most of them have to combat experience." She smiled at her pet, who sang a few proud notes.

"Ah. I see." Luna nodded to herself, turned on a rear hoof, and walked out of the office.

"Where are you going?"

"Into the Everfree, that I may find a similar beast to harden and bloody our stalwart armsponies in these gentle times." Luna's perfectly level tone trailed off into thoughtfulness "Mayhaps something with venom."

"Luna."

She looked back with a grin. "'Twas a jest."

Celestia couldn't help but chuckle and shake her head. "It's good to have you back."

"'Tis good to be back, Sister."

And, because they were sisters, Celestia added, "But I'm serious, no venom."

Luna rolled her eyes. "Very well, very well. I shall be... creative."





Do report to opossum duty promptly when it's your turn on the duty roster.

Don't request a transfer to the Solar Guard. Phoenix duty isn't any better.