The Reason
I hear it all of the time.
“When will you stop nursing him?”
“If he’s old enough to ask for it, he shouldn’t be having it.”
“Nursing beyond a year is too long.”
“He’s HOW old and he still nurses from you?”
Sometimes they say it out loud, and sometimes they say it with lingering stares and disapproving gazes. Other times they say it by trying to ask me to move into the bathroom or cover myself with a wrap even though it’s the middle of summer and it’s MY house. They want to make me feel ashamed for my choice, but they can’t make me feel anything if I don’t allow them to.
My son, Shining Armor, has just turned three. I still nurse him daily. Those ponies who make those comments to him do not know our story. They do not know that he was born almost three months prematurely, and could have died in the hospital. They don't know that I did not get to nurse him for the first time until well after he came home from the hospital. They're completely unaware that I had to pump my milk and put it into an orogastric tube so that he could feed and get stronger and healthier. They do not know that without my milk, he would not be alive right now.
I feel very fortunate that my son gets so involved with nursing that he doesn’t pay any mind to the comments we get sometimes. I never want him to feel ashamed about something that makes him feel comforted and has helped him overcome so much. He’s still smart, confident, and independent. My nursing him doesn’t take any of that away from him- that’s just how other ponies perceive it. Instead, I’m facilitating that. We’re done nursing when he says so. He gets to make that decision and give that up when he’s ready. Meeting his emotional needs will help him to be more independent.
I grew up in Fillydelphia for the first six years of my life before I moved to Canterlot with my own parents. I don’t necessarily remember much of it, but what I do remember without a doubt is that everypony had very strong opinions. You had to develop a thick skin pretty quickly in order to not let it get to you. When my mother announced we were moving to Canterlot for her work, I carried that lesson with me there. I was very fortunate to have parents who encouraged me to be myself and supported me in everything I did. It made me a confident decision maker.
The fact that I am as confident in this decision as I am with all of the judgmental comments I have received has been a testament to how well my parents raised me, and how I hope I can raise my son. From the day he was born, it was my job to be his voice when he couldn’t communicate, or to answer the questions he asks me. When other ponies try and comment on our decision to continue nursing, I speak on his behalf and ask them why it should even be considered an issue if it comforts him. Nopony would bat an eye if he had a blanket or stuffed animal he needed for comfort, so why is this any different?
From an outsider’s perspective, I can understand how it might look bizarre. A toddler still nursing from his mother seems outlandish when the societal norm is to breastfeed until the year mark. But as somepony looking from the inside, I can tell you that it feels no different than the day I first got to nurse him. I didn’t get the chance to nurse my son the day he was born like most other moms. I didn’t even get to hold him or touch him for the first two weeks of his life. I didn’t get to have that moment of connection when I held him the day he was born, or that feeling of joy when I got to nurse him from that very first day. I had to wait, give him my milk through a tube that went into his stomach through his mouth, and spend my time being afraid. My milk was all that was keeping him alive, but I never knew if it would be enough. If my husband came home sick from work, if a friend with an autoimmune deficiency came over carrying some cold, it could have been life-threatening for my son. My milk boosted his immunity, and kept him strong. From the newborn stage when my milk was sustaining his life, to three months old when I was finally able to nurse him myself, to six months old when he nursed and began eating solid foods, to the year mark when everypony said it was time to stop, I can tell you that it just feels like another milestone in our nursing journey, and feels just as natural as it ever has for either of us.
The old “if they ask for it then they’re too old” argument exhausts me. Children ask for nourishment from the day they’re born. My son is still eating regular foods, getting all the nutrition he needs from that, and getting the vitamins and nutrients he needs from my milk. Just because my son doesn’t cry when he’s hungry anymore or that he doesn’t survive on just my milk doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it or need it. After the first year of nursing is when you reap the full benefits of it. My milk gives him vitamins, calcium, and reduces his risk of illness as well as my own. Knowing that I will be there to nurse him and meet his needs has helped facilitate his independence, and has helped him feel more comfortable playing with other colts.
Much of the time I’ve been nursing him, I’ve felt very alone. My husband has been working increasingly late hours to put food on the table and pay the bills. There aren’t many young families in Canterlot, so that has limited the mothers I can talk to who are going through what I am, and they have all said in one way or another that they thought what I was doing wasn’t the cultural norm and was, frankly, odd. Looking from the outside I suppose that's understandable, but in a way it's incredibly painful. The mares who are supposed to be able to understand what you're going through disproving of your decisions can be a devastating blow, and make you feel very isolated from everypony.
There have been many times when I have wanted to give up, just so that the comments would end. Having a constant stream of ponies trying to tell you how to raise and nourish your child is exhausting. There have been days when I have gone to bed crying because the comments of others that were playing on and on in my head were just too much to take. There have been more days than that where I just wanted to rip my ears off so I wouldn’t have to hear their criticism anymore.
Everypony has an opinion, and everypony wants to share it. But nopony seems to have the good sense to realize when they’ve crossed a line. How I raise my child is between me, my husband, and my son. Nopony else. Everypony seems to think if they start a sentence with “Well, this is what worked for my family…” That it’s automatically okay to say whatever comes after. But it’s not. Because my family is not your family. What worked for you might not work for us. The constant stream of advice just makes me question myself to the point where I fear I’m hurting my son just by what I let him play with. Celestia forbid I let him play with a doll because obviously it means he’ll be too girly, when really he might grow up to be a fantastic father one day because I let him play with it. I’m so tired of everypony else thinking they know what’s best for my family when they aren’t a part of it.
The question then follows, of course, as to why I would continue nursing my son if I want all of the criticism to stop. It’s been three years, so obviously he’s gotten the nutrients he needs, so what gives?
It’s simple.
Because when those comments are getting into my head and bringing me down, sometimes my son will come up to me, softly nudge me, and ask if he can have “milkies”. I’ll turn over, and he’ll latch onto me, and I’ll remember something. I remember all the scrapes and bruises my milk has soothed him from. I look into his little face and I am reminded that he’s just learning how big the world really is, and think about how comforting this must be to him to know that he can still return to the safety of my arms and be fed. I look into his sweet face and feel an overwhelming sense of peace. It has always been an absolute joy to nurse my son. I know that no matter what anypony else says, his feelings are the only ones that matter. This is our journey, and no one else’s. It will end when he’s ready. Until then, I intend to savor every minute of it.
Sometimes I feel very alone in my decision to continue nursing my son, but then I look down into his face and smile, because I’m reminded that I’m not.
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Nicely done. For some things, one can never be too old
Hmm...
Well, I can only speak from a biased male view, for what that matters.
Is it about Shining, or about Velvet? What's best for him is what should be on her mind. There are no easy answers, and in this case, no way to be kind without being cruel.
I'll spare you my own opinions further since you don't seem to want to discuss this matter and are adamant in your claim, but I hope what little I have offered hasn't caused any undue ruffled feathers, and if it has, well...
10185096
It's actually really funny you bring that up because I asked myself the same question while she was talking to me (I have schizophrenia so I literally hear her as a voice in my head or sometimes in my ear).
The conclusion I came to was it was a little of both. I do think it is something that Shining enjoys and likely did help him in the long run considering where he ended up in the show, but I do think there's some unwillingness to let go on Velvet's part. Considering he almost died at birth though, I see it as perhaps a misguided way of keeping him tethered to her as he explores the world. I do think it will help him with independence later, as does she, but I think it's somewhat out of balance. Like 40% Shining and 60% Velvet.
-shrugs- Just because she lives in my head doesn’t always mean we take the same views on stuff. Personally I think her vehemence on the subject comes from the fact that she felt awful that she couldn’t carry him long enough and is trying to make it up to him and herself in this way, where as my own passion for it is because I believe no woman should be judged about how they choose to feed their child or for how long they do it. But hey, different strokes for different folks.
Heh...
Well, I can only speak from a biased male view, for what that matters.
This is my Opinion/experience, note I'm not good at this sort of thing, so if I upset you... sorry?
Try to what you think is right, but dont force things. Go untill one of you doesnt want to anymore. Love them with all you have. Try to join in on their interests as soon as you can.
I grew up without a mom, and I didn't spend much time with my dad. Now he's gone, and me and my mom have nothing in common and dont talk often...
Despite that, I know my mom and dad loved me. My dad was one of the kindest people you could ever meet. He was quiet too, letting people do what they wanted. He tried to get me anything I wanted but I wouldn't say he spoiled me. He made sure to teach me that all things and people have great value. And he spanked me when I need to be, like when I hid in a coat rack at Walmart because I thought it was funny. I didnt leave his side at the store again untill I was older.
The last thing is, dont teach them to run and hide from bullies. Running is rarely a good option. I was bullied most of my life, when I hit high school, I got friends that stood up for me as much as they teased me themselves (like pharanx). They, to this day, are still in regular contact with me, and help me when I need it, and I help them. Instead build up their confidence, and teach them that they are just jokes meant to make the bully feel better. Teach them to laugh!
10185096
Communication is a though thing, I'm not good at it, but here we go!
People have their own opinions and experiences that make up their decisions. And other people can make us think of things we didnt think of ourselves. All ideas matter. All we can do is say our piece, and make our own decisions. Here is my piece:
It is never wrong to share your opinions, even if the other person has their mind made up. Simply clarify it is an opinion and that you aren't telling them what to do. If they dont even want to listen that is their decision. If they ask you to stop then you should. I dont believe in shuting other people out. I believe in explaining yourself, which is what the author did here today.
Opinion. It may sound like I'm against you, IM NOT, actually I agree with you for the most part! I'm just spouting my random thoughts, it's up to you to care enough to read them, I'm not good at communication.
In the end, things are not up to just you. and no matter what, as long as they are alive, there is allways hope and progress. Their start is important (you), but their decisions are the most important (them) in the end it's up to them, and the ones at their side.
Doing what is BEST for someone ELSE doesnt exist. We are shaped by everything we experience, not just the parents. What matters is teaching them to make their own decisions. Teach them to listen to others, but stay calm and think things through. Teach them to stick with it if they think it is right. Teach them to respect the consequences, the good AND the bad... AND FINNALY, Teach them to never give up!
If they make bad decisions, try to help them find the good ones. But if they continue to make bad decisions, that is up to THEM.
DO YOUR BEST, AND THEY WILL DO THE REST!
Also, this story was an absolute delight! Please continue to write. Its always good to think and feel, and this made me do both! Dont let other people make you doubt yourself. But dont shut them out either.
With children, allways know that they will be them no matter what. What I mean by that is, who they will be, will be unique and you should never be afraid of that. In fact different is good!
Wow I went on a bit of a rant, I'm kind of ashamed... sorry...
10185282
Thank you. That really means a lot to me. I appreciate that. This was a difficult topic for me to write on because it is so controversial, but when any of my voices speaks up with that kind of passion I can’t not write it down. I was actually very worried to post this fic because of the subject matter. Stephen King once said “If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered.”. I kind of took a cue from that and tried to write her truth (and my own in the Author’s Note) as best I could. It’s a relief to me that this story hasn’t been slandered as I thought it would be. Thank you so much for that. I truly appreciate it.
10185253
Alas though, I am not allowed to do so. Not out of fear of litigation or because i give an errant spurt of gushing feeling about what people think I should say or believe, but out of courtesy to our good Diva, whose comment section I would be re-missed to have turned into the honking grounds of either side of the aisle.
Do I have my opinions on the matter? Yes. Am I going to share them? No. And I shouldn't have to state that its my opinion because A)Its the internet, ITS ALL OPINION and B)I support the position that if you're old to use the net unwatched then your old enough to cope with whats on it, and if not, don't go on.
Interesting. People really do latch on to normal as an excuse to criticize with staggering regularity.
Very cute.
This story goes even beyond just opting to breastfeed beyond the 'societal norm' phase. It braves the reader to ask themselves about some of their life choices in which they were 'shamed' for despite them feeling 'right' and 'causing no harm' to themselves, or others.
Twilight Velvet, in this tale, has every reason to be doing what she's doing. She was denied a lot of 'firsts' that most mothers take for granted. Then, like a good mom, she didn't give up on continuing to do all she could to make sure she kept Shining healthy and well.
Something people forget with doctors and hospitals is that the term 'Practicing Medicine' is extremely true. No doctor, nurse, etc. can treat something in a single individual 100% the same way they did another. Our bodies are all unique and, despite macro-level treatments that have high success rates, there are micro-level elements that can make even the most perfected treatment fail.
For me, starting in December 2006, I can share quite a tale of "If only...". My birth condition of Glaucoma claimed my left eye by Age 5 and was taking its toll on my right. From here, I could write multiple timeline markers that, if I knew then what I came to know now, I may still have physical eyesight and not have had to have my right eye completely removed...
...However it all happened, despite the 'proven' treatments. I even pushed for additional precautions I read about towards the end as, sadly, the downward spiral seemed impossible to escape.
Now, for twilight Velvet, she knows her son and cares about her son. If there is no 'physical' nor 'emotional' harm for Shiny to breastfeed than, until he's ready, he should continue to nurse. There is only gains from getting the nutrient-filled milk that is adapted specifically from his own mother. It gives him what he needs and helps to remove the "If only I had..." moments that could have occurred as a result of the birth complications.
My own mother, despite how much my sister and I tell her how we don't blame her for the condition given at birth to us, still feels constant pain for how I have zero sight before I turned 40 and how my sister, born 3 years later than I, is fighting to take what I learned from 'best practices' to make sure she has every precaution in place so she doesn't befall a similar traumatizing series of surgeries, job losses, and other unpleasant thing I had to endure since day one.
So, again, why take a chance if you know what you are doing is working and causing no harm to you, or your child? Neighsayers can neigh all they want. However they would not be the ones having to live with knowing you were 'shamed' into letting your child befall harm you knew your efforts could have kept from happening.
10185586
https://m.I deleted some comments because I didnt like them. Ill leave this with: Strange and odd are synonymous with interesting and unique. We need people to try things differently, otherwise how would we discover new things? Obviously we shouldn't go overboard but hey, who dicides what is too far? That's right... YOU!
This is very interesting, but one part stands out to me, 'when he's ready?' Kids aren't exactly known for making great decisions. Also, why would a kid want to change the routine they have been taught is normal and right. Isn't it a parents job to guide their child? All I'm saying is breastfeed as long as you want (I actually didn't know a year was the normal timeframe for that and frankly who cares), but I don't think the decision should be left entirely to the child. Parents that always give their kids what they want is how we get spoilded brats after all.
The reason I say this is that I envisage a situation where the kid will continue to want to be breastfed right up until the point their friends call them a weirdo or something. At which point outside society made your decision for you anyway but in this instance the kid gets hurt. Just saying.
Can I reprint this article?