It's a very mad world we live in.

by SkyBreaker

---------------

I left the day we buried her. I couldn't stand being in that house with out her. It wasn't that it was empty, it just I don't want her old home to change from what it was.

"Whats yer' name son?" A voice said sternly

"M..My name?" I asked as I waked from a sleep I don't remember entering.

"Yes, Yer' name!" the voice said again but this time more irritated.

"S..Sky...SkyBreaker...sir." I said as I opened my eyes that were only greeted by a flashlight to be shined in them.

"Where ya from." the voice demanded.

"Kings Trough." I responded slowly.

"Now where in the hay is that?" He responded laughing with other voices I couldn't see.

"It... it's near the..."

"It's Near the Crystal Mountains, now if you scum would leave that would be Much appreciated." A more regal voice sounded as the men surrounding me gasped and ran.

"Get up." the man who had just helped me now sounded as if were going to do harm towards me.

"We don't have much time they will be back with more now Get Up."
As I tried to get I was lifted by a set of stronger arms and what I could see, I was being carried to a type of Trailer, after which I slipped in and out of consciousness. After a little while, (well for me a little while) I was finally aware of what was going on, my head was pounding as if someone were banging a gong, but only the vibrations were reaching me. "You're okay, you're just a little banged up." a sweet voice said as I felt a moist cloth pat my forehead.

"Where am I?" I asked.

"You're on a train going towards Manehattan." the voice replied.

"And if it weren't for HoofWheel you wouldn't be here, who knows what those men would have done to you." I could smell a sweet perfume coming from her... L'Instant de Guerlain to be exact, before my mother passed she taught me multiple perfumes, I could tell by the citrus honey sent. My mother wore it.

"Go back to sleep we will be there in no time at all."

I continued to drift in and out of consciousness, due to the rumbling of the train, and because of voices I could hear coming from the next car.

"Who the fuck is this kid?" A deep voice said.

"I don't know but Hoof seems to be awfully protective of him." a second voice chimed

"Looks like Hoof either found us dinner, or a brand new puller." a third voice said with a cracked voice.
I opened my eyes and they darted towards the desk across the room, the woman was sitting in her chair, she made a "Mmmwah." sound towards the mirror as I could see she had just put on some bright red lipstick. She stood up opened the bottom left drawer on her desk, reached in and pulled out a record and played it on the record player... It was I don't want to set the world on fire. By The Ink Spots, she began to hum along with it the took out a cigarette with the long filter, she put it to her mouth, inhaled then made an O then shot a smaller one through it. The room filled with smoke, and I drifted out of consciousness.

I was woken up the next day by loud crash of what sounded like a large metal frame falling to the earth, I could hear a lot of talking coming from outside so I checked what was going on. Out of the window I say many pony scattered across a large field like area, as I tried to get up I was met with a striking pain in my right wing and shoulder. The woman from the day before entered the car.

"Did you sleep well." she said cheerfully as she pulled out a table like panel that was connected to the bed, I nodded yes.

"Good." she said as she set down a plate of eggs, and a glass of milk.
I was starving because I hadn't eaten in at least a week, or it felt as so."Eat up, we need you to make a full recovery." she said sweetly as he sat at her desk and applied makeup and perfume, then proceeded to change into a beautiful yellow sun dress, then carry herself outside. I finished my meal and tried to stand, and to my surprise I was able to, despite the pain in my right shoulder I began to make my way outside in my rough Leather boots, a saddle, and my lucky Black Leather Hat. As I walked outside I was greeted by a stern looking man, who smiled to me and said.

"Well it looks as though you've made a quick recovery."

"Not quite I'm afraid, my shoulder and wing are still in a great deal of pain." I said as I examined my shoulder and wing more carefully.

"I assumed as much, but it's good that you are able to walk on it, Oh, where are my manners, I'm HoofWheel." the man said with a kind smile on his beard stubble face.

"Oh, I'm..." before I could finish he said.

"I know who you are, most everypony here knows who you are." still smiling he said.

"Come on, I have people for you to meet." I followed close behind as we walked up to the woman who was helping me before.

"This, is Juliet, she will be helping you recover while you are here with us." the woman gave her heart warming smile after seeing me.

"Aw, you're even cuter in daylight." she said as she raised my muzzle with her hoof. A striking pain surged through my right shoulder as a metal rod hit me, I released a."ARGH!" before falling to the ground, nearly breaking into tears.

I was carried back to the car and left there, so I wouldn't become injured any more than I already was.Throughout the day Juliet came to check up on me and see how I was holding up, she brought me lunch, and then later shared dinner with me so I wouldn't be as lonely.

"I'm sorry you had to give up your car for me." I said in a sort of joking fashion.

"It's fine, I'm willing to share my space with anypony who truly needs it, and right now you need it the most." she said sweetly, as she moved her mane away from the front of her face. Due to my shoulder, she would have to feed me, I felt bad that she had to help me do the simplest of tasks, so when ever I could I would try to do things on my own, but that never ended well for ether of us. Whether it was me getting injured, only prolonging the recovery process, or me making a mess of things, by trying to feed my self, and end up getting more on me than in me. She was such a kindhearted woman, always giving but never asking for anything in return , in fact, I don't ever recall a time after my accident that she wasn't by my side. Some nights I would wake up and she would be sitting up watching, making sure I was always okay, and all because of me. She was always a fan of records, she showed me her collection.

"Pick one." she said, so I pulled one out and it was Ain't That A Buck in the Head, By Dean Stallion.

"Great choice!" she put the record on and I was amazed of how good he was, she was singing and dancing along to it, she was amazing the way she could move was unlike I've ever seen, then again I never watched anyone dance before.

"Wanna dance Handsome?" she asked.

"I don't know how." I said looking down at the floor.

"Well you ain't gonna learn sittin' down" She said as she lifted me out of the bed. We danced for hours I loved it, I hadn't felt so good in months.

I was pacing the fair grounds near Baltimare, I over heard Juliet talking to somepony.

"Well hun, if you pay enough bits your evenin' will be nice, then yo can go and send me on my way." I didn't understand what she was talking about, but I didn't dare interrupt.

"How many bits are we talking here?" the stallion asked.

"Well I like you, so hows... 50?" She responded. "Ehhh, I don't know."

"Now ya cain't send me away empty hoofed Can ya?" she said in a more innocent voice.

"Well....okay." They then disappeared into a building, after that I just when t the car and waited for her to return, when she did she had a large sack of bits and put it into a locked chest under her desk.

"Who was that you were talking to?" I asked

"Oh, just an old friend." she said in a breathless voice.

"Oh, okay... why did you need 50 bits from him?"

"Well... We had a friendly wager, about the Wonder Bolts race, I bet on the one that won." she said letting out a nervous chuckle, and then proceeded to wash her face in the sink near her desk, I could see the marks on her face from the mirror, I could see a scar on her neck, almost as if someone had branded something there... I thought nothing of it and slowl went to sleep.

I had made a full recovery, luckily I had Juliet, if I hadn't, I would have never made it. It took 2 days before I was able to finally run again, and that was the time HoofWheel gave me the offer, he told me that all I had to do, was pull the train, me being a young and rambunctious colt, I thought it would be fine. So, I signed a contract saying that would pull his train... I didn't read the contract, I wish I would have, what it said was that I would have to pull the train alone, for 1 bit a week, for the rest of my life. This train wasn't much of a train, it was more like a caravan on tracks, it was hard at first, but as I got used to pilling a 10 car circus on tracks, I think the heaviest part of the entire train was the frames of the train itself. When Juliet found out about the contract, she demanded that it was voided immediately, When HoofWheel refused she went into a fit of rage, bucking, cursing, biting, etc. HoofWheel slapped her down to the floor, after which she got up and charged at him, leaped at him and tore his left ear off, she was knocked out by a larger stallion then dragged back to her car, a few moments passed, and I heard a ruckus then a loud bang.

They killed her, I watched as they dumped her lifeless corpse into the woods near the tracks. I couldn't believe it, I refused to believe it was true, I told myself it was a dream, that I would wake up from this... It was no dream, I pulled the bastards train. After the event, HoofWheel became very vicious towards me, this circus went from something I loved, to something I couldn't bear to be in anymore, I was barley every fed, and when I was it was what everyone else wouldn't eat, I wasn't allowed to sleep until we got t the place we were at our destination, but I wasn't given a bed, no, I had to sleep standing up, and even when I was allowed to sleep, I was plagued by nightmares of Juliet decaying in those woods. after six months, I was malnourished, tired, and weak, that's when he came along, a young colt by the name of Moon Sketcher, he was about three years younger than I was, and he already had his Cutie Mark, it was the moon surrounding a pencil, weird how some ponies names match their cutie marks. I objected, saying he was far to young, all he would do is slow me down, and he responded.

"SkyBreaker hold your tongue, you're starting to sound like Juliet." I was enraged at the fact that he dare say her name... but there was nothing I could do.

The colt was nothing but an annoyance, and being in the state I was, didn't help much either. But after a while he became quiet, either due to my lack of compassion or the fact that I wasn't responding to any of his attempts of small talk. But finally he crossed the line, I knew he would ask this sooner or later. "Who's Juliet?" In mid gallop I completely stopped the train, and hit him square in the muzzle with my front hoof. After realizing what I had just done, I unstrapped the colt and put him on the front of the train, and quickly got back to pulling the train. Many hours passed, and I began to worry because the earth pony hadn't woken up yet, so when we got to our stop in Dodge City at around midnight, I checked the young colt... to my worst of fears, he was dead. I took the young colt and buried him under a rock where no one would find him, when I had returned HoofWheel was waiting for me."I saw what you did, all the way back there." he said in a playful tone, and I returned the comment with a heated glare."You got blood all over the front of my train, you must of hit him pretty hard." he said, as if about to reveal something."What makes you say that?" I responded."His brains are here too." he gave a sick smile while picking them up and then throwing them onto the ground in front of me, his sick smile changed into a serious glare."Now you're either going to eat that, AND lick this train clean of blood, or... I'm going to turn you into the sheriff." my stomach convulsed at the idea of it, and I pulled my head back a bit."Well what's it gonna be?"

We continued on towards Manehattan the following week, right on schedule. I had completely forgotten about the young colt, mostly because I didn't want to remember what I had done to him, it seemed like an eternity before we got to Manehattan, we finally got there and I was joyful that we were, I didn't know why but later events showed me that not all was lost. I watched the others set up and talk, occasionally I would get to talk to a pony or two before their parents nudged them on, but on the final night a young mare came up to me and in a beautiful voice said

"What are you doing out here in this cold weather?" I looked up and saw the pony who asked and responded.

"I have to pull the train, I'm not allowed to leave."

"All alone?" she continued, I nodded yes.

"Well that aint' right." changing from her original upper class accent into a country accent.

"No pony can pull an entire train by themselves."

"If you would have told me that a year ago, I would have agreed." HoofWheel had put locks on my metal bracer so I couldn't get away, but that didn't stop the young mare, she snuck aboard the train and not a moment latr came back with a set of keys.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"You're gonna get caught!"

"Oh hush, ah got this." she said confidently, a second later, I was free.

"WOW! Thank you!" I said as I gave her a hug.

"Oh it was nothin', anythin' for a pony in need." Memories of Juliet filled my head, I could feel a tear rolling down my face, I wiped it away, and began to head towards the loot car at the very back of the train, when I turned and asked.

"Whats your name?" she responded.

"Apple Jack!" I thought to myself her name, and I swore that one day I would repay her for the kindness she had given to me. I sprinted to the last car, unhooked it from the others, saddled my self up and ran as fast as I could when I finally came upon a town called Pony Ville I stopped there and proceeded to bury the piles and piles of bits, gems, and deeds to properties I didn't even know existed.

A week passed and I was burying the last of the loot, and as I laid the last chest into the hole a shock-wave rolled across the trees and a giant rainbow formed in the sky, and I smiled thinking of my mother and Juliet looking down on me, and I thought to myself... I'm...Free.

Comments

[LucidTech]

Right, so, here's the idea. Just some suggestions on improving the readability of this chapter. Just some story tips, if you want them.

First and foremost, split paragraphs when the person talking changes, I.E. '"Whats yer' name son?" A voice said sternly "M..My name?" I asked as I waked from a sleep I don't remember entering. "Yes, Yer' name!" the voice said again but this time more irritated."S..Sky...SkyBreaker...sir." I said as I opened my eyes that were only greeted by a flashlight to be shined in them.' Would become.

"Whats yer' name son?" A voice said sternly.
"M..My name?" I asked as I waked from a sleep I don't remember entering.
"Yes, Yer' name!" the voice said again but this time more irritated.
"S..Sky...SkyBreaker...sir." I said as I opened my eyes that were only greeted by a flashlight to be shined in them.

Secondly, I know that I would enjoy an actual chapter title.

[Eep]

I'm seconding N64's suggestions above.

(spoilers for the rest of chapter 1)

I would also perhaps try to set up your characters more. Why would a character as apparently nice as Juliet stage a horrific prank on a colt young enough to not have their cutie mark yet like that? It doesn't seem true to her character. If she's supposed to be a bit of a light-hearted prankster, perhaps something that isn't so cruel. This colt left home after his mother died (which she wouldn't know, but you can assume that a colt who is travelling without their parents and isn't clamouring to go back to them has some sort of sad backstory), and was then saved by HoofWheel from a horrible fate. A normal, caring person wouldn't then make him thing that he was in a room with someone who'd died a horrible death... And think it was funny? Of course Skybreaker was angry. I'd be furious. Who does that?

"She said lovingly" is also a little weird... Ignoring the prank she pulled, she's spoken to him twice or so at this point. She could say it softly, or warmly, but 'lovingly' means she loves him. And he's pretty young?

'Not walking for two months can really change you' - How? How did the enforced idleness affect him? Was he bored? Did he learn more about the ponies around him? Did he learn he was on a circus train? This seems like a great opportunity to explore your world and characters a bit.

And then they just kill her? It seemed really out of left field. Did she discover something that was really going on? I'd tie this into just why they had such a huge amount of valuables in the back of the train in the first place. Maybe she didn't know that HoofWheel was EEEEEVILLLLLL and can't stand it?

The contract also seems incredibly unlawful. For one thing, he's just a kid. (AFAIK) A minor can not enter into a contract, it's illegal. I would assume the same holds true for the Equestrian legal system, because if you can't trust a minor to drink, how can they make decisions about the rest of their lives?

However, being young he probably wouldn't know that, so he'd feel trapped anyway. There would be steps taken to keep him from talking to other ponies outside of the circus, so he couldn't reveal the terms of his contract, which would be interesting.

Who was pulling the train before?

How could a single pegasus colt pull a train that we see takes four huge earth stallions to pull?

Who on earth was this new pony, Moonsketch? He just appears out of no where, and then is killed right off the bat. Why did he join the circus? Why didn't Skybreaker try to warn him before signing the contract? Why could Skybreaker kill him in one punch, and not notice the *brains* all over the front of the locomotive? Was it dark?

Running away with a train car is pretty silly... I guess the circus didn't have anyone to pull the train to go after him, but a train car is pretty stuck on the tracks. There are only so many places he could go... And ponies would probably remember a lone blank flank pegasus colt running hell bent for leather pulling a caboose. He could just loot the train for all of the best stuff, but how he would know about that is also a good question. I would keep him isolated, so he would have to sneak around to learn about their valuables.

Having him steal the cicus money is a good idea, since it gives them an actual reason to search for him... But why would a circus have so much money in the first place? Why wouldn't they have it in a bank, or at least have a guard on it? Are they into illegal things?

I'm assuming the rest of this story is going to be him living in Ponyville, meeting the mane 6 and repaying Applejack for her kindness, while trying to avoid paying for his crimes and the circus searching for him.

You do have an interesting start here with someone with a shady past that wasn't their fault trying to live in a normal town... But I think you could expand it a bit more.

[SkyBreaker]

1104803 Thank you soooo much for giving me feed back, I really appreciate it. To answer a couple of questions of yours, if you read the reeeeally bad story before this HoofWheel left home, never to be seen again, mostly because he had found out.
They are carnies, and a band of thieves, murderers, and also (I didn't mention cause it's for the chapter) cannibals, and yes even Juliet, and she knew HoofWheel was evil, because she was almost exactly him. there is an even darker side to this but that's for the next chapter.
MoonSketch was actually a shape-shifting carny, who was put there to keep SkyBreaker in HoofWheels clutches.
SkyBreaker was able to kill him because he had been pulling the train, also, this isn't much of a train, like I said it was basically as if they had taken a striped train, and put trailers on it.
SkyBreaker isn't only a Pegasus, he's an alicorn like the Princess, and I know I will get crap for that I don't mind much.
Juliet was kind to only him, and you have to remember this was in SkyBreakers point of view, he thought she was a kind person when she really not.
This was a coal powered train, no one pulled it before him, if so, why did he make SkyBreaker pull it? Because HoofWheel is insane, and he killed Juliet because she was going to tell SkyBreaker about what HoofWheel was.
I think I should expand on what he did when he was left immobile for two months, well after he was hit by the solid piece of sheet metal, it dislocated his right shoulder and hip, I didn't mention the hip, because SkyBreaker didn't notice it, he could only feel the pounding of his shoulder as blood was opening up the trapped blood vessels in between his shoulder blade and his humerus, and again they are carnies they have no idea about how to treat a dislocated shoulder.
He knew about the loot car, because before he was pulling the train, he was stealing bits from purses in the crowds, robbing people dry from their stage coaches and other means of transportation, and put the loot in the back of the train.
Like I said, HoofWheel was insane, and it was SkyBreakers job to guard the loot.

[Eep]

1105038

'He had found out', what did he find out? XD That he was a nasty cuss underneath it all?

I took a quick read through the other story, and there's one situation that didn't really feel real. When the narrator falls in with the wrong crowd, it feels like her mother turns on her in an instant. While I'm lucky enough that I haven't gone through that, I do know that it would take a lot for my mother to decide to chain me to anything, and even more for her to cut me out of her life. We just don't get a sense of what the character has done that's so bad. In my mind, she'd basically taken up smoking and some petty shoplifting, or something.

You might have intended for other things to be hinted at, but giving more information is important to letting us know what's going on.

Like how the carnies are evil in this. Perhaps if when Skybreaker was still drifting in and out of consciousness he overheard some of the other members of the group talking. Something like:

'Why did the boss take on this scrawny kid?'
'The boss is a smart pony, he always gets the most out of any situation. If he picked this kid up, he's got a plan.'
'Haha, you're right. Whatever his plan is, I'm glad it's not for me!'

Which shows that there are other people in the group, they are aware that the boss is sketchy, they know that he does bad things and that he doesn't want the best for our protagonist. The protagonist might not remember this, since he was drifting in and out of consciousness and all.

You could also have a neat conflict if SkyBreaker is confronted with who Juliet really is. Right now she is coming off more as an inconsistent jerk/good guy than a horrible pony who just so happened to nurse SkyBreaker back to health... For nefarious purposes? Having him need to come to terms with the nice mare that he's eternally grateful to for saving him to the callous mare who... Oh, stole some poor stranded people's last food when they weren't looking, or knocked over poor joe shmoe's bowl of soup or... Okay, it must be supper time, all of these involve food.

MoonSketch is... Oh! Okay, so he hasn't really done anything terrible, this was just to make him feel bad? That could work... Maybe if we see a little more of MoonSketch? Like, he's mentioned more and earlier? Because he basically just shows up and then is gone. It doesn't feel like it's a plan of HoofWheel's, it just feels unsupported. It also feels like it could be a bit of a cop out, at the end. "Don't worry, everypony, he's not really evil! That was just a plot of HoofWheel, the pony is totally fine! <3" Depending on how it's handled.

After this, does he take a more active part in the gang? Does he just give up that last little bit of brightness inside of him, because he's a horrible murdering pony who is just like the rest of these other evil ponies that he's around? That could also be interesting, him finding out that MoonSketch is fake and he never hurt anyone... And he never needed to dip to the level of those ponies around him.

If Skybreaker is an alicorn, that should really be the first thing anyone says about him. There are 3 alicorns in all of existence, it would be really weird to see one pulling a crummy train for a group of violent ponies. Maybe you could pull the last unicorn trick where they disguise him so he looks like a normal pegasus, but with a fake horn.

Unless your world has lots of alicorns everywhere, but I think you'd need to let us know that.

Did HoofWheel recognise who Skybreaker was? It seems like he's the kid of some of the people that HoofWheel went to school with. Wanting to grind him into the dust because of something his parents did to HoofWheel is a better motivation than pure insanity. People don't usually do things for EEEEVIL reasons outside of a Saturday morning cartoon. Even Chrysallis was looking to feed her people.

It's never mentioned how he was hurt, I didn't know it was a piece of metal that fell on him. I thought the group of ponies who had originally caught him had roughed him up some.

I'm pretty sure that he would notice a dislocated hip, seeing as how he would be walking on it. It's supposed to be pretty excruciating, so I'm not sure how he would have failed to notice it... Unless he was under some pretty heavy medication. But with the 'carnies' not being able to treat a dislocated shoulder but being able to treat a dislocated hip, which I'm assuming they popped back into place, it wouldn't make too much sense for them to have lots of medication.

I'm pretty sure a band of ponies who need to survive by themselves for periods of time would be able to do all the basic sort of first aid stuff, splint a bone, bind a wound, pop a shoulder back into place.

HoofWheel would *have* to be insane to have a pony who's chained in place guard the loot. I'm sure the other members of the team would have a fit at that... It's their loot too, after all! They would probably not let HoofWheel stay in charge if he endangered all their money by putting a pony that they can't trust as the only guard.

You've got answers to my questions, which is great! But I should be able to get some of these answers from the text, or at least see enough depth to let me know that there are answers coming. This feels like it's still a draft, but if you can work in a few of the answers you gave me, I'm sure it'll be much better.