Comedic Burst of Funniness

by Lunatic God

Keepin' Things Fresh

Author's Note:

Yo yo yo, it's ya boi, big red fu *static*, back at it again with another chapter! Not just any chapter, however. Since I've been lacking in the plot department recently, I've decided to add a little thing to spice things up: guns n' gore!

Oh, and plot too. Can't forget that. Very important.

“... And… Your… Family… Too…” the lady in the blue suit mumbled as she scribbled words on a note, her tongue stuck out in concentration as she completed the rather short letter.

“There! Done!” She proclaimed, holding out the paper for Twilight to grab and send. But instead, she facehoofed with a sigh.

“What?" Blue asked, staring at the princess curiously as she stuck a fusion core inside her laser Gatling in preparation.

“We can't just threaten the aliens, that'll only make it worse!” Twilight exclaimed, grabbing the letter and incinerating it in her magic.

“Well, why not? Surely if things went sour, me or one of those other nuts could do the do.” The human explained, shining a mini nuclear bomb with a dishrag.

“While I am entirely certain of your capabilities to handle such threats, the implications would begin a war that Equestria is unprepared for.” Twilight explained, glaring at the trigger happy lawyer.

Nora sighed, tossing the nuke behind her back. “Ok, fine. But how about…” She started digging around in a non-existent pocket before her hand re-emerged filled with bottle caps.

“We will not bribe the extraterrestrial aliens!” Twilight scolded, watching the human put the caps back into her never ending backpack with a pout.

“Besides, I don’t think their currency lines up with yours.” The princess explained.

“Bah!” the human exclaimed, crossing her arms as she brushed past the lilac pony. “Everybody loves bottle caps.” She mumbled, bringing up her pip boy to summon a specific object from the deep depths of the hell that is her inventory.

Nuka-Col- Ahem, name brand carbonated beverage. Apologies.

As she popped off the cap with her inhuman strength (not really, she used her Shishkebab to open that sucker), she felt Twilight frantically tapping her leg as she raised the drink to her lips, but felt inclined to down the entire bottle first, tossing it over her shoulder before looking at Twilight with a raised eyebrow as the glass shattered on the tile.

“What did you just do?!” Twilight asked. Rather loudly, in fact.

“Drink a soda?” She replied, answering a question with an equally confused question.

“What? no, you just… froze time or something!” She explained.

“You guys freeze along with time, huh? You don’t freeze and notice whenever I stab about a million needles in the exact same spot at once?” She asked, placing her hands on her hips.

“Answer the question!” Twilight yelled, adopting an annoyed expression, to which Nora responded with a rebellious look, which disappeared as soon as it had arrived.

“Fine, fine! It’s this!” She stated, gesturing at the pip boy on her left arm. “Although this infinitely powered mother fucker can do a lot more than just freeze time.” She stated, summoning another demon drink and popping off the cap with her thumb, which happened to be the thumb on the same hand that was holding the drink, making the action about 19% cooler.

“What else can it do?” Twilight asked, her demeanor swiching from annoyed to excited real fucking quick.

“Can’t tell you.” She simply stated, chugging the drink in less than five seconds before it joined its dead brother behind the demon lady’s back.

“Aw, why not?” The pony said in a slightly somber tone, her ears flattening against her head.

“Secrets of the trade, sister.” Blue answered, gulping down yet another drink.

“What trade? Can a mercenary like you not tell a national leader and multiple time world saver what the buck that thing is?!” The pony princess cursed, already setting her mind on discovering the true intent of the device strapped securely around the homo sapien’s forearm.

“Nope.” She replied coolly, wiping her lips with a content sigh as the pile of broken glass grew.

“Also, why do you keep drinking… whatever that drink is?” Twilight asked with a suspicious stare, watching as the vault dweller began downing yet another one.

As soon as the mare mentioned it, the lady froze, the bottle half full. Or half empty. Doesn’t matter, she can’t tell how much is left because of the textures. She lowered it from her lips, holding it at forearms distance in front of her as she stared at it.

After about a minute of wait, which felt like an hour to Nora cause she hasn’t worried about time since unfreezing in that damn vault, she gave - in Twilight’s opinion - a half baked answer.

“I need capssss.” She hissed, before vacuuming the rest of the bottle’s contents and watering the pile of glass with even more glass.

“And why do you need caps?” The pony asked, before realization dawned on her as she began to squeal in delight. “Ooh, are you finally going to buy a house so you have somewhere to put your stuff?” She asked with a wide smile.

“First of all, everything i’m packing equals a total mass larger than this planet.” She repeated the slow money making process once again. “Dos, I could build a castle and a half if I wanted.” Instead of another drink, this time she summoned a vaguely - very vaguely - L shaped object, pulling back a slide on top of it before it snapped back into place with a click once she let go. “Alththalith, I don’t fucking want to.”

She then aimed the device in Twilight’s direction, rotating her body a full 90 degrees to hold her gun out, as well as making her look extra cool. “Tabcat…” She said, motioning to the side. “Move.” Twilight did as she was told, but before she could ask the lady why, a creature suddenly appeared behind her, which was evident by it’s loud, zompony like screech.

Twilight whipped around in horror, merely catching a glimpse of the rotting human like creature wearing tattered rags before she heard a very, very loud sound behind her, which sounded similar to an object breaking the sound barrier.

Time seemed to slow, and she heard a single guitar string play as she watched a metal object no larger than… really any kind of pellet fly over her head, flying towards the head of the creature. Suddenly, before the pellet impacted its head, it tilted it clear, causing the metal object to whiz past its head, resuming normal time as it did so.

The creature watched where the shot landed, before letting out a short yell as its attention snapped back onto the pony-slash-human pair.

“Shit.”

The creature leaned forward, its perpetually open jaw emitting equally the most recognizable and horrifying Screech known to human and ponykind alike.

As soon as it took one step, however, the human made another loud sound, followed by a bullet embedding itself into the monster’s chest, causing it to recoil back with a spray of blood and a yelp of surprise before one last round landed directly in the center of it’s forehead, blasting its head clean off in a shower of blood and gore. Twilight held a hoof over her mouth as she barely resisted the urge to puke. In an act of not helping, Blue unloaded one final round into its chest to make sure that it was dead, causing it to explode in a shower of organs and limbs, which caused Twilight to turn away from the scene and vomit… right on Nora’s shoes.

“Fuck, I forgot,” The human started, dropping the magazine currently in the weapon onto the floor. “Ponies haven’t seen blood.” She finished, slamming another magazine into the bottom of the gun and pulling back the slide, causing the same action as before to occur once she released it.

Twilight continued to lose her lunch all over Blue’s shoes, leaning against her leg as she shook, likely scarred for life over that fairly mediocre kill. Well, in Blue’s opinion. She began scratching behind Twilight’s ears in an attempt to console her, mumbling apologies, and the phrase “you’re okay” every few words. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, mind you.

A few minutes later, Twilight had stopped retching, lest she start losing organs. She also leaned into the scratching, prompting Blue to focus on that more and cease her incessant apologies, leaving Twilight to stand there with her eyes closed and her ears flat, attempting to forget the gruesome scene. Which Blue had magically removed during Twilight’s little moment.

“Need some water?” Blue offered softly, holding a white can that had the words ‘Purified Water’ printed along the top of it in front of Twilight’s face, although not too close to avoid being intrusive.

Noticing that Twilight was eying the container, Blue magically popped the lid off with her thumb, angling it towards Twilight so she could see the contents.

Twilight nodded, and began moving her head forward to drink from the container. Taking the cue, Blue angled it to pour out as soon as it touched Twilight’s lips, effectively feeding Twilight the water like one would feed milk to a baby. Is the correct term feed? Whatever. Doesn’t matter. Back to the story.

Pretty soon, the container was empty, leaving Twilight content and making Blue make a special addition to her assortment of broken shards of glass. With a quick thank you, Twilight returned to the scratches, sighing in exhaustion.

They stayed like this. For hours.

---

Starlight’s Village
Two Hours Before Arrival

It was dark. And stormy. Because it has to be to properly introduce a main villain.

As all the ponies in the village took shelter in their copied and pasted homes, they never took the time to notice a creature looming atop a cliff.

“Another settlement…" The creature spoke, his deep and looming voice echoing through the small canyon containing the village, although nopony heard, cause then he’s not secret.

What sounded like cranking could be heard if you were very close to the creature, a red ball of energy suddenly glowing bright against the dark sky in the boxy glass compartment strapped onto the long device he held.

“Needs saving…" He continued, cranking the weapon a second time to produce an even brighter glow.

“Must find help…" He growled, wishing his friends were here to assist, but no, Sturges just had to piss off the local nuke population by hacking that damn teleporter before they were ready, and now he's here! Alone! With nobody to help! No Minutemen, no willing settlers, not even a damn guard.

“Yesssss…” He hissed, remembering those three golden numbers he had seen during his final moments at the Institute facility, watching her back up into the teleporter to stay out of reach of the incoming synths wielding shock batons. He wasn't entirely sure, but he was sure enough that she traveled with him to go find her.

“Find blue suit…” He started, raising his left arm in front of his chest, his right hand poised to press a button that lay embedded into his clothes.

“Find help…" He finished. A well timed bolt of plot lightning struck, lighting up his blank African American face before he disappeared, the only trace of him being the distorted air in his rough shape leaving the area, planning to find the blue suit.

Comments

[Dreadknight garen]

10198165
Plazma burst

[Oblivions eye]

Wait a minute... id recognize that picture anywhere! Its plasma burst!

[Spartan12003]

It wasn't until I searched for the game when I realized what it was. I've been trying to find it for years, I just didn't remember the name.