Comedic Burst of Funniness

by Lunatic God

A Chapter With Actual Plot

Author's Note:

Mistakes were made during the creative process of this story. I'm not saying I regret the ‘off the rails’ chapters, nor do I hate them as is. They're there and already read, so I can't really do much without this ending up Usurpation shaped. So, starting with this chapter, I will officially create two separate story arcs: The ‘Idgaf I do what I want’ story arc (Video games n’ sh*t), and the ‘Area 51 Alien Adoption’ story arc (Flurry Heart + Marine, which was the original plan). 
Thanks for (hopefully) understanding, and have a FaNtAsTiC day. Wait, what the-

Also, this is a collab with myself. I own both this and the ‘Fazponyjack’ account, so I'll be doing a ‘Special Operations’ style chapter, even though that story was when I didn't give a f*ck about actually finishing a story. This chapter will [was* gonna] have 5 parts, each based off the plan for the five scrapped chapters of ‘Special Operations’.)
I will not change this story’s rating, I will merely change the ‘mature’ parts of the only written chapter. 

And no, The Marauder will not make an appearance, mostly because nobody ever saw it because mods were a b*tch (no offense) and struck down my approval request for no mlp relation. 

Thanks, and have fun. 

P.S. - I'm scrapping the intro too. Sorry.

The song in the second half of the chapter

It was nice and dark and stormy, the exact opposite of an ideal setting. Marine balanced atop the point if the roof of Ponyville’s town hall, acting as overwatch as Proxy and her clean up squad, excluding Hoofguard of course, took up position behind the caboose of the Friendship Express.

Proxy took point, with both Captain Iron Clad and Private Lone Feather following close behind, while Noir Lime took up the rear, creating a diamond formation.

“0100 hours AM. Niner dash one, mission clock begins now.”

Proxy nodded silently in confirmation, brandishing her silenced CS-Pro as she entered the caboose, the other three close behind.

*pfft**pfft**thunk**thunk*

“Caboose cleared of hostiles. Niner dash four, hang back and keep a back exit. Niner dash one, two, and three, continue down to the control car, and extract the hostage.”

Noir Lime stayed as the other three moved away, knocking over a snack cart to block the aisle, taking cover behind it. He mounted his weapon over the cart, making it seem as if he whipped a mounted machine gun out of nowhere to the untrained eye.

“No hostiles in the storage car. Move on."

Proxy and the two privates quickly passed the car, forming an arrow formation without Noir.

“Three sleeper cars. Some have sleeping hostiles. Take 'em or leave 'em.”

Private Lone Feather attempted slicing the neck of the first sleeping changeling with his sharp metal wingtips, but underestimated the chitins strength, prompting it to wake with a hiss. Proxy acted quickly and embedded a round into its head, the bed stained with the growing pool of green blood as they froze, awaiting an assessment from Marine.

“You're clear. Keep your head in the game, Niner dash three.”

“Copy, Overwatch.” Private Lone Feather whispered into his mic.

“Pay attenthun.” Captain Iron Clad hissed, still holding his knife in his mouth.

The trio passed the three cars, leaving any sleeping changelings alone as to not risk another incident.

“You're approaching five consecutive passenger cars. There is an armored patrol of three changelings approaching from the fifth car. Be wary."

“Hide.” Proxy whispered, crouching behind a seat. As she reached up and pressed a button on her helmet, the other two hid under chairs on the opposite side of the aisle. Proxy suddenly went limp as her suit went dark, hiding herself nearly flawlessly in the shadows.

Lone Feather was about to ask what she did, but stayed silent as the door on the other side of the car slammed open, admitting three heavily armored troops. The black armored changelings marched painfully slowly through the car. Lone Feather could hear his heart beating slowly as he remained still as a statue. As they passed, Lone feather noticed something.

“Be advised, the armored patrol has the hostage. Eliminate the threat and get the pony safe.”

Marine’s booming voice startled Lone Feather, squeezing a sharp gasp from his blocked airways.

The patrol stopped, giving the pegasus a clear view of the hostage. She had a yellow, although dirty, coat with a long pink mane. Her wide blue eyes locked with his.

As slowly and as quietly as Lone Feather could, he raised a hoof to his muzzle, motioning for her to be quiet. She nodded quickly, before the patrol began moving again.

As the final armored guard passed them, Proxy’s bright purple visor began lighting up, before she quietly moved into a crouching position, holstering her CS-Pro and equipping her assault rifle.

Without saying a word, Lone Feather nodded in understanding, brandishing his wings in preparation. Quickly, Proxy stopped him with an outstretched palm. He would've asked, but this was a delicate situation. To make sure they understood, Proxy made an exploding mind motion with her left hand. Before Iron Clad could convey his understanding, Proxy darted up, shooting the rear guard in the head.

The bullet knocked off his helmet, but didn't reach his head. They stopped, its head turning slowly to face Proxy. As soon as they made eye contact, she blasted him again, this time blowing his weak chitin to bits, causing him to fall over and crush one of the seats. She quickly blasted the other two, leaving the whimpering and cowering Pegasus surrounded with blood and dead changeling corpses.

“The element of surprise is not on our side, troops. Grab her and go!”

“Lone Feather, take point!" Proxy ordered, training her red laser at changeling height on the door the patrol came from.

Lone Feather quickly hopped into the aisle and grabbed the hostage, ripping the duct tape off of her muzzle. Before she could thank him, he ducked under her, lifting her up and rolling her into his back, before following Iron Clad back to the caboose. They cleared out the originally sleeping changelings, who were already angry after seeing a dead comrade, which wasn't easy with the mare on his back, but they made it past, leaping clear of Noirs barricade. They flew out the back door window, landing hard on the ground. Lone Feather clutched the scared yellow pegasus against himself until their rolling was abruptly cut short by a tree.

They laid there, panting, Lone Feather sprawled on top of the budder pegasus. They laid there for hours, waiting for the battle between human and Changeling to end.

*beep*

His head jerked up. He started scanning his surroundings to detect the offending noise.

*beep*

“H-Hello?”

His head jerked down, staring down in surprise at the speaking mare. He was sure she had been knocked out cold, and the drumming starting up in the distance did not help the situation.

*beep*

“U-Uhh… I don't know if you can hear me, but…”

He began smiling warmly. “Yes, I can hear you!" He exclaimed.

*beep*

“Thank you." The mare said. “Thank you for saving me."

He leaped off of her with pride. “It was nothing, really." He said, approaching her to look over her for any wounds.

*beep*

He gingerly laid a hoof on the pegasus. He yelped and jumped back in surprise as she suddenly disintegrated into ash that floated away in the unseen wind, adding a chorus of angelic singing to the drums.

“W-What?” He somberly asked himself.

*beep beep*

“I think he's waking up." A different voice said.

“Waking up?! What does she-”

*beep beep*

He scowled as he noticed the beeping again, followed by the music growing louder and more intense. As he looked around for it again, it started echoing, as well as repeating itself, which he recognized as an effect from interacting with Discord in any form other than physical. It sounded like Tartarus itself, so he attempted to block out the rapidly growing beep by covering his ears.

It didn't help at all. As the noise rapidly gained volume, as well as speed, the world around him began rumbling, making the sky literally fall. He dodged a light blue panel from the air, before quickly dodging another. His eyes widened as looked up, noticing the waves of blue squares speeding towards him. He quickly turned tail and ran, utilizing all his years of training to outrun the fucking sky as the music reached a beat drop, outlining his escape while a guitar and an orchestra joined in the song.

He didn't need to turn around to notice that the ground folded into itself wherever he had been, creating a deep ravine that was overshadowed by a wave of blue and white.

His breathing grew heavier by the minute. He wouldn't be able to outrun it. He had to hide.

As if an answer to his predicament, the endless plains that had replaced Ponyville suddenly disappeared. He skidded to a stop at the edge, looking back and forth between the drop into the void and the sky. He couldn't decide. It was either certain death, or possible death.

The wind whistled by, creating a sound as if the gods had sighed impatiently. In response, the plot of grass beneath him began plummeting at blistering speeds. He screeched in fear, completely oblivious to the fact that he stayed on the ground and wasn't lifted away, as the land behind him was left in the dust.

He saw the plains again, below him. He was rapidly approaching at a speed that would have killed him somehow already. He landed without as much as a thump, creating waves of rising squares of land around him, which rose to enclose him on three sides, leaving an opening that was lined with two filled arches of dirt, which pulsed a bright yellow in pace with his speeding heart.

Everything stopped. His breath stopped, the pulsing stopped, his movements froze, and his heart rate declined, but to his dismay, neither his hearing or the beeping stopped.

*beeeeeeeee-*

The continuous beep faded away, being replaced by angelic singing as all the light around him suddenly disappeared, leaving only the yellow tinted dirt arches. A light grew at the end of the path, which finally solidified the dreading feeling in the back of his mind, bringing the music down a few notches as the guitar and angelic choir were replaced by jingling.

He was dead.

After that revelation, everything suddenly became… better. His heart was replaced by a feeling of eternal happiness. He smiled as he marched towards the light, no longer scared of leaving his friends and family behind, the music building as his thoughts became clear.

Family…

His march faltered as he remembered his parents, all the way in Manehatten, encouraging him to leave and take the job to be part of Princess Celestia’s royal guard, assuring him that they would be fine without him there.

Friends...

His short smile faded as he remembered Iron Clad and Hoofguard, remembering the joy he felt each time he joked around with Iron Clad’s sense of formality, and his knowing smile after each reprimand.

He stopped, the angelic singing becoming more powerful and more meaningful each memory he remembered. He remembered the humans, the three aliens who arrived here by means unknown to him, humans who were quick to try their best to integrate themselves into pony kind and assist militaristic endeavors with their guiding hands.

Proxy, the lady with a temper, the heavy weapons soldier with a good heart.

Noir Lime, the invisible assassin he had come to look up to.

And lastly, Marine, the overseeing eye that directed him and his friends to victory.

His death preventing experiences were abruptly cut short as the unseen mare from before shouted, the music building up to a final crescendo.

“Clear!”

Suddenly, the arches glowed a brilliant golden shine, while also arching with electricity, his eyes and mouth literally turning into spotlights as the singing reached the point of bursting his eardrums. Then everything suddenly went pitch black, the angelic singing quickly fading away as he returned to reality.

---

*beep*

That sound. That fucking noise. It restarted his body, bringing all the pain back in full force. His eyes shot open as he took a deep breath, sputtering as blurry dots moved and shifted in his damaged vision.

He blinked a few times, clearing up his vision enough to separate pony from background.

*beep*

“Can somepony *cough cough* turn that bloody noise off?!” He exclaimed, inducing another coughing fit as he heard the clopping of hooves rushing to presumably do what he asked. The beeping was quickly silenced, reducing his pain by the tiniest fraction that was big enough to be noticeable.

“*Cough cough* Thank you.” He got out, still breathing heavily with the occasional cough.

He was getting nothing from his sight, so he opted to close them, allowing them to rest, instead focusing on his hearing, which was much better at decrypting what was going on.

“Are you okay?! What happened?!” He picked out the voice of the mare he saved from all the commotion, deciding to answer her first.

“I'm f-fine. Just a little s-shook up is all." He answered, his coughing finally subsiding enough to allow him to speak freely.

“What happened?” Another asked, who he recognized as Twilight Sparkle from his time serving as a guard.

“I-I saved the hostage, then yeeted us both out the window to escape the heavy armor.” He answered, deciding to use a young teens slang to convey his message.

“Yeeted? What's that?" She asked.

“N-Nothin’, don't worry about it." He responded, waving a hoof dismissively as his breath calmed to a controllable level.

“W-Where is the boss? I need ta give him the m-mission report." He asked, hoping to get the hard stuff out of the way so he could recover in peace.

“Right here, soldier.” Marine answered, sounding like he was across the room. He heard the slow and methodical thumps of Marine’s foot falls approaching his left, along with the tapping of ponies moving out of his way in the small room.

He turned his head left, to address Marine directly.

“Midnight, mission start. Approached target stealthily, eliminating five hostiles before reaching event. Warned of patrol, adverted to stay hidden. Patrol had hostage. Proxy hit and run, eliminating the three guards. Niner Dash Three ordered to grab hostage and escape situation as Niner Dash One and Niner Dash Four covered our exfil.” Lone Feather took a moment to gather his thoughts and breath before continuing.

“Niner Dash Three crashes through door window with hostage, rolling to a stop. Niner Dash Three K.O., hostage last known condition safe. End report.” He stopped, panting slightly at the summary of his mission.

He felt Marine lay an armored hand on his stomach in a reassuring gesture. “You did good, soldier.” Marine warmly spoke to him. “You completed the mission, and risked your life for somepony you didn't know.” He patted Lone Feather a few times, which slightly hurt.

“W-What happened to Proxy and Noir?” Lone Feather asked, wanting to squeeze that last bit of information before proceeding with medical stuff.

“Well, Noir was somehow knocked out by a charging changeling, before Proxy carried you three out and away from the rapidly increasing hostile force. Lemme tell ya, it was real fuckin’ epic.” Marine finished with a chuckle, which was repeated in earnest by Lone Feather.

“I’m fine too, y’know.” Iron Clad spoke up, eliciting a second chuckle from the bedridden soldier.

“What’s so funny?” Iron Clad asked in a harsh tone as another pony snickered.

“Nothin’, Private, nothin’.” Lone Feather said, his quiet laughter ended with him clearing his throat.

“I-Is Noir here? If he isn’t, can he be?” Lone Feather asked his boss.

He heard footsteps approaching his right. His head turned to face Noir as the human stopped.

“Well, me appearing outta thin air wasn’t as cool without you seeing, but yeah, i’m here.” Noir said, patting Lone Feather’s head a few times, rustling his dark purple mane.

Lone Feather decided to finally open his eyes to see the two ponies and humans surrounding him. He first saw Noir towering over him. Feather trailed his eyes up to Noir’s head.

“H-Have I been staring at your crotch this entire time?” Feather nervously asked, hoping he didn’t ruin his first face-to-face conversation with his idol.

“Yeah, but I don’t mind. I’m used to girls doin’ it all the time.” He joked. Feather smiled as he looked around. His eyes widened before he saw half the room, already surprised by the mane six, Spike, and Princess Celestia crammed into this tiny hospital room. He suddenly felt claustrophobic.

“Wow.” Feather said, looking over to Marine, before returning his eyes to the ponies present. “All of you really came just to see me?” Feather asked.

“Well, duh!” Pinkie Pie said, hopping over to the foot of his bed. “It’s not right to not go visit a friend in the hospital!” She explained with a wide grin.

“Well, I r-really appreciate it.” Feather admitted, joy sparkling in his eyes.

“Unless Feather has more questions for the ponies, I kindly ask that you all leave so that we may finish military discussions.” Marine said.

Rainbow Dash flew up to his face with a smug grin. “Who said we were gonna leave?” She asked.

“That’s an order.” He said, unflinching.

“Hah! I only take orders from Spitfire!” She exclaimed. “I’d rather die than take orders from you.” She hissed quietly.

“If you do not comply, that can be arranged.” He calmly stated.

“Oh, you wanna go? Let’s go!” Rainbow said, shaking her hooves in a fighting motion.

“Them’s fightin’ words, boss.” Noir pointed out.

“So they are.” Marine confirmed.

“Dodge THIS!” Rainbow yelled, swinging at the human.

He tanked the hit, barely budging as her hoof impacted the side of his helmet. Her expression suddenly grew nervous before he grabbed her by the neck, slamming her against the wall hard enough to convey his point without pain.

“O-ok-okay! OKAY! UNCLE! UNCLE!” Rainbow yelled, rapidly tapping the humans arm. He dropped her, allowing her to hover in place and rub her neck. She mumbled to herself as she slowly floated back to her spot.

“Unless anypony else wants a shot at me, I strongly request you all leave now.” He ordered.

“What if I wanted to fight you?” Noir asked.

“Due to our nearly identical skill, our fight would cause too much damage to our surroundings and we may inflict collateral damage in the process.” Marine explained.

“So you’re saying we would fight?” Noir summarized.

“Yes, we would, it’s just not the right time or place.” Marine confirmed.

“Tomorrow, 0100, meet me in Cadence’s throne room, then i’ll take you to where we can fight.” Noir said.

“Deal.” Marine said.

“Wait, so you’ll just f-fight, or what?” Feather asked.

“Spar. It’s a spar.” Noir corrected.

“Yes, right, spar. So that’s what you’re g-going to do?” He rephrased.

“Correct, private.” Marine confirmed, before laying a hand on Feather’s shoulder. “But you need not worry about our squabbles. You worry about yourself and Iron Clad.” He assured the injured stallion.

“What about H-Hoofguard? After her valiant effort to help defend against an alien invasion, you’re just g-gonna forget about her?” Feather accused Marine with a glare.

“... Well, that escalated quickly.” Noir commented.

“I left her out due to her punishment, not her directly. Do not forget, Private, that without justice, we are without hope.” Marine reminded him.

“You never said that!" Noir exclaimed.

“Yeah!" Feather agreed, a scowl adorning his dirty face.

“You're not helping, Noir.” Marine growled.

“And about Hoofguards punishment. You said that means they can't be near each other. What about letters, huh?” Noir accused, leaning in over the bed.

“It's required for the punishment to work.” Marine answered, as still as a statue.

“I thought this was just for peace of mind, not an actual punishment!” Noir exclaimed, his arms finally moving by being flung up in a gesture of misunderstanding.

“Ya know what, how about you go learn the value of friendship or whatever it is, and go hang out with Flurry?” Noir said. “I'll stay and do the military stuff.”

“You know I can't do that.” Marine replied.

“Well, you might as well, because I can't recover in such a hostile environment.” Feather spat, looking straight ahead with his eyes closed, and his hooves crossed.

Marine saw no way out of this that wouldn't resort to violence. He sighed in defeat. “Fine.”

“Good!" Noir said. “She should still be at the empire. Tell the guards I sent you." Noir informed him.

“But before I go…” Marine trailed off, looking at the pony defiantly laying under his covers. “Private Lone Feather, I just want you to know that this is for your own good.”

Everything went silent. Feather's hooves drooped of the side of the bed as he looked at Marine with the most incredulous look on his face.

“What?" Marine asked.

“You know that that is the worst excuse, for anything, ever?” Feather asked.

“Boss." Marine looked up, only to see Noir pointing towards the door.

“Get the fuck out.”