• Published 20th Jul 2019
  • 722 Views, 49 Comments

A Series of Great Ideas (Or Not) - TheGuineaPig45

Shining Armor and Flam wake up in bed together, no memory of how they got there or what they did the previous night. All they know is that Apple Bloom has been kidnapped, and they're the guilty party.

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Chapter Twelve: The Farmer, The Cheerleader, The Gentlecolt, and The Hayburger

“Darlings! Let’s have a mini fashion show!”

The Unicorn Squad was each in their own separate dressing room at Carousel Boutique, changing into their respective disguises. Even though they were low on time, Rarity had still made an effort to pick out specific clothes that not only hid each pony’s identity, but also made them look good.

“We don’t have time for a fashion show, Rarity!” Shining Armor called from his room. “Our lives are hanging in the balance, remember?”

“Oh, right. There’s that.”

“Awww, I’d love to do a fashion show, ” Flam chirped from behind a locked door. “I wanna see you strut down a runway, Shiny!”

Shining audibly gagged. “Why are we even in dressing rooms? We don’t normally wear clothes!”

I do!” Flam responded.

“It’s common courtesy,” Rarity answered, rolling her eyes. “You could learn a thing or two about that.”

Shining heavily sighed.

“Is everypony ready?” Starlight asked. Rarity and Flam gave sounds of affirmation, while Shining Armor stayed silent. “Okay, let’s come out on three. One… two… three!”

The doors opened, and each member of the Unicorn Squad stepped forward.

Rarity had straightened her mane, removed her makeup, and put on a straw hat and overalls, giving her the appearance of a farmer, which would easily blend in with the Apple Family.

Starlight’s mane was put into pigtails, and she wore an orange and white tank top and skirt. Accompanying the look was two orange and white pom-poms, making her look like a cheerleader.

Flam had slicked back his mane and dyed it and his tail a deep, navy blue and straightened out his mustache so it now covered his mouth. He wore a smart, slick black business suit, with an accompanying blue tie to match his hair.

Shining Armor was wearing a hayburger suit, with his hooves being his only visible features.

Flam and Starlight burst out laughing.

“Why am I a hayburger?!” Shining shouted, his face turning red, although none of the other ponies could see it. “Why do you even have this?!”

“The Ponyville Schoolhouse was putting on some play about the dangers of fast food,” Rarity said, looking off into the distance. “Sweetie Belle played a hayburger. Aww, I was so proud of her that night. She had one line, and she delivered it perfectly.”

“What was it?” Flam asked.

“‘Don’t eat me if you want to live!’”

“Dramatic. I like it.”

“Rarity!” Shining Armor whined. “I’m already struggling to walk normally. Why are you making it so I can’t see?!”

The mare scoffed. “You’re probably the most recognizable of us. If nopony can see any of your defining features, they won’t be able to tell it’s you.”

“But a giant hayburger walking through Ponyville is definitely going to attract attention!”

“Just pretend you’re advertising something,” Flam suggested. “Flim had me dress up as a giant sock once. It’s not that hard.”

“A giant sock?” Starlight asked. “What were you advertising?”

Flam cringed. “You really don’t wanna know.”

“Just be a hayburger, please,” Rarity said, patting the top bun of Shining’s costume. “It’s either that, or the giant eggplant I had to make for Scootaloo.”

“I’ll take the hayburger,” Shining Armor sighed.

“Great. Now that that’s settled,” Starlight began, bringing the Unicorn Squad into a huddle, “let’s talk strategy. We’ll leave the Boutique one at a time, and each take separate roads. I say we meet up at the train station in fifteen minutes, which is right before the next train to Canterlot.”

“Perfect!” Shining said, nearly tipping over. “Let’s not waste any time. It’s a miracle nopony has barged in here looking for us yet, and I’d rather not test our luck. I’ll go first and--”

“Wait,” Flam interrupted, stepping in front of the hayburger, which bumped into him. “Seeing you dressed as a burger made me realize I haven’t eaten since yesterday. Can I go first and get a bite to eat?”

“With what money?”

“Oh, right.” A pause. “Hey, can I borrow some bits?”

Rarity sighed, then opened a nearby drawer and levitated five bits over to Flam. “Take longer than five minutes, and we’re leaving you to the Apples.”

“Understood!” Flam replied, jauntily exiting the boutique. “I’ll see you all soon!”

As he walked away, he directly passed by Royal Guard. The pegasus took a quick glance at him, then flew off, completely unaware that he was looking at his target.

“Huh. Maybe this plan will work after all,” Shining said.

"What, did you doubt my fashion capabilities?" Rarity asked, staring the prince down. He nervously smiled.

“No, I just-- I, um-- Alright, see you ponies later!”

He anxiously dashed out of the Boutique, but tripped on his own hooves ten feet away from the entrance.

"We're going to be lucky if they make it out of this alive," Rarity sighed, shaking her head.

Flam entered Sugarcube Corner with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. Perhaps it was the fancy expensive suit, or the fact that the plan was successful and nopony recognized him, but something had given him a bit more swagger than usual.

“Why, hello there!” Mrs. Cake said, waving at him from the register. “Welcome to Sugarcube Corner. What can I getcha?”

Flam walked over and leaned one leg on the counter. “I’ll take a chocolate croissant,” he replied with a wink.

“Um, we don’t serve those here.”

The stallion laughed. “Oh, you will once you see this!” As dramatically as possible, he raised his hoof through the air, tossing several bits onto the counter. All of them rolled onto the floor.

“It--It’s five bits,” Mrs. Cake stated, blinking at the change on the floor. “Apologies, but am I missing something here?”

I’m missing something,” Flam responded, giving the shop owner a big grin. “A chocolate croissant.”

Mrs. Cake sighed. “I’ll see what I can do for you.” She left into her kitchen.

As Flam leaned on the counter, completely oblivious to how unreasonable his request was, a pony in the corner of the shop began looking at him. At first, it was just quick glances, but then the pony began taking longer, harder looks.

“FLAM?” he eventually said, causing the stallion to slip right off the counter and onto the floor.

From the ground, he looked up and saw none other than his brother, Flim.

“Flim?!” he gasped, barely able to catch his breath. “What are you doing here?! How did you recognize me?!”

“I’m looking for you,” Flim said. “And I barely recognized you. What in Celestia’s name are you wearing?”

“You like it?” Flam asked, flaunting his suit with a spin. “Rarity picked it out, just for me.”

“I hate it. And why are you hanging out with Rarity? She helped expose our Friendship University scam!”


“Never mind,” Flim cut him off. “Take that off and come with me. I’ve been trying to find you all morning. I have a business proposition that I want to discuss with you.” He started walking out of the shop, but Flam did not follow.

“I thought you said I was the reason all of our schemes failed,” Flam pointed out, his ears slowly lowering. “And that you were better off without me.”

“I am,” Flim admitted. “But I wouldn’t forgive myself if I left you alone. I mean, you’d be totally lost without me. You need me. Otherwise, you’ve got nothing.”

Flam gasped, and backed away from his brother. At that moment, something snapped in him.

“Nothing?!” he shouted. “I’ve lived a whole life without you! I formed the Unicorn Squad! I found a temporary brother! I kissed a married stallion! I pulled off a con with nothing but a pink suitcase and a prince! And all of that was just this MORNING!

Flim froze, completely speechless.

“I’ve got a lot without you,” Flam continued. “As much as I love you, I don’t need you, brother. In fact, I do pretty well on my own.” He started walking out, hitting Flim in the face with his tail. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve to go back to being a wanted criminal.”

“Wait, WHAT?!”

Flam buoyantly walked out of Sugarcube Corner, letting out a huge deep breath. He started beaming, and didn't look back.

“Um, the best I could do was a cream puff,” Mrs. Cake said, walking back to the counter with a pastry. The stallion was gone, but his bits remained on the floor. “Hello? Mr. Fancy-business-pony? Hello…?”

Shining Armor was sweating buckets in the Hayburger costume.

Since he could barely see through the layers of fabric in front of him, so he could only hope he was headed in the direction of the train station.

As he continued walking, he felt himself knock something over.

“HEY!” a voice yelled from below him. He crouched down, and saw that he had brought a member of the Royal Guard to the ground. He gasped.

“I’m so sorry!” Shining said, trying to come up with an accent. He couldn’t.

“Your voice sounds familiar,” the guard grunted, lifting himself up. “Have we met?”

Shining was trembling. If he couldn’t come up with a believable excuse, he was doomed.

Just pretend you’re advertising something, Flam’s voice echoed in his brain. Shining Armor took a deep breath, then looked the Guard straight in what he thought was his eyes.

Turns out, he was looking at his flank.

“You might’ve seen me in your dreams,” Shining said, scaring the guard and making him turn around, “when you’re craving for a tasty, tasty hayburger! Head on over to… um… that hayburger joint you know and love! Come on, take a bite outta me!”

“No thanks,” the guard replied, backing away. “I saw that play about the dangers of fast food. I’ll stick with the eggplant.” He walked away, leaving Shining Armor alone. The prince sighed in relief.

Thank you, Flam, he thought to himself, heading on his way. I think I’ve gained just a little respect for what you do.

Just a little.

Starlight was the first to arrive at the train station.

She had had no trouble making it there, only being stopped once when a pony asked her for directions. She wandered around the train station for a bit, looking for the others, but instead found Gallus and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, sitting on a bench.

“Gallus? CMCs?!” she called, waving at the group. They waved back. “What are you doing here?!”

“We’re goin’ to Canterlot,” Apple Bloom stated, “to talk face to face with Princess Celestia!”

“There’s a matter that needs some serious clearing up,” Scootaloo piped in.

“Would this matter involve Shining Armor and Flam?” Starlight asked, sitting next to Gallus. The Crusaders nodded. “That’s very kind and selfless of you.”

“What are you doing here?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Waiting for Shining Armor, Flam, and Rarity. We had the same idea.”

“Except you’re going to shake your pom-poms and do a little dance when you arrive,” Gallus chuckled. Starlight glared at him.

“It’s a disguise, Gallus,” she clarified. “Remember, your grade is in my hooves, so I’d recommend not mocking your future headmare.”

Gallus yawned. “Why are you even still helping Shining Armor and Flam? Apple Bloom told me they kidnapped her. That seems kinda like an action we don’t approve of as a society.”

“I guess… because I like them,” Starlight Glimmer admitted. “Sure, Shining Armor’s a bit of a prick, and Flam can be a little dimwitted, but I can’t help but root for them, you know?"

“Even though they’re very blatantly in the wrong?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Wait. Why are you here?”

“The Crusaders needed a lift,” Gallus replied with a shrug. “I obliged.”

“Well, hold onto your feathers, friend, cause this is probably going to get crazy.”

Gallus gulped. What did I just get myself into?

Princess Cadance barged into Princess Celestia and Princess Luna’s throne room, ignoring all the guards. Each of her hoofsteps was a loud, deliberate stomp, and she was fuming. The two rulers were shocked to see her, especially in such a rage.

“We need to talk about Shining Armor,” Cadance said, marching up to the princesses.

Celestia looked at Luna, then nodded. “Indeed, we do. Have a seat.”