• Published 31st Mar 2019
  • 4,585 Views, 266 Comments

Celestia and Luna are Well-Adjusted Adults - garatheauthor



Celestia and Luna prove that they are capable adults who are totally and absolutely qualified in running their kingdom.

  • ...
22
 266
 4,585

PreviousChapters Next
Celestia is a well adjusted adult who has therapy

Heartshine smiled brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it, Princess Celestia.”

Celestia peered at her psychiatrist from the couch in her office.

The mare was this tiny little bundle of warm feelings and crushing sexual repression crammed into what had to be the cutest pegasus she’d ever seen, with a crisp green coat and a flowing purple and red mane styled in a tight bob.

“So,” Heartshine began. “How have your exercises been going?”

“Pretty good,” Celestia lied.

Heartshine frowned. “And you’ve been limiting your drinking?”

Celestia took a sip of her bourbon tea, which was really more bourbon than tea.

Ok, it was actually all bourbon and no tea. Just a nice warm cup of booze to start the day off right.

Celestia offered a tight smile, “Of course, I have.”

“You know…I can tell when you’re lying, right?”

Oh right, her shrink was a fucking Heartmender. Fuckers could peer into your soul or something. Honestly, that felt very invasive but… if this was the best service the palace could provide then she’d concede to such intrusions.

Heartshine sighed. “Are you even taking these sessions seriously?”

“Of course, my dearest little pony.”

“I can still tell when you’re lying,” Heartshine muttered before snapping her notepad shut. “Ok, I’m going to be honest with you: Your sister is very concerned.”

“About what?”

Heartshine bit her lip. “Your rampant sex life, abusive drinking habits, and seeming disregard for mortal life.”

She rattled each off as if they were flaws.

Celestia snorted. “Oh, isn’t that rich, the pot calling the kettle black.”

“So, you admit to having these issues?”

“I’d hardly call them issues. My liver is immune to damage, I can’t contract STIs, and you mortals can be replaced. Just you know…you do the thing where you replicate.”

Heartshine cocked a brow. “Give birth?”

“Exactly!”

“Look,” Heartshine fixed Celestia with the warmest look imaginable, placing a hoof upon hers. “Just because you’re immune to the adverse physical health effects of your actions doesn’t mean they don’t have a very real mental toll.”

“My dear, I have a very resilient mind. You have to when you’re multi-omniscient.”

“Multi-omniscient?”

“Yes, you do know what omniscience is, correct?”

“Yeah, it’s where you can see and know everything.”

“Very good.” Celestia tilted her cup at Heartshine. “By the way, that was a grade A performance with that royal guard last night. I’m really glad you finally found someone.”

Heartshine burned bright red. “What? How?!”

“Omniscient, dear. It’s ok, if it makes you feel better, I can also talk ad nauseum about what your roommate was doing with the place to himself.”

“P-please don’t.”

“Very well.” Celestia motioned with her hoof. “Anyways multi-omniscience simply means that I can see into dozens of alternative universes and enjoy the same privileges there. For example, in another universe, I’m currently having this exact same conversation with a little brown pegasus filly. She’s as cute as a button but gods she has issues.” She shook her head. “So very many issues.”

“So, you’re telling me that not only do you have the ability to peep on everypony, but you can peep on them across multiple dimensions?”

“Yes, exactly. Like there’s one universe where I’m a trophy in an Orcish Lord’s Satanic throne room.” Celestia sipped her ‘tea.’ “I don’t think that’s an especially positive timeline.” She shuddered. “You mortals get turned into batteries, it’s pretty rough.”

Heartshine paled. “What?”

“Yeah, it’s like in the Maretrix but…worse. These orcs don’t even give you a cool virtual reality to fuck around in. Just torture day in, and day out, and day in, and day out.” She shook her head. “I really ought to check on the locks to Tartarus someday soon.”

“Are all your timelines this grim?”

“Oh no no no, there are quite a few positive ones. However, they’re like little twinkling bastions of hope in a comsos of colossally fucked up possibilities. Let me tell you about the one universe where Equestria and the Zebras go to war.”

“Why are we at war?”

“Unclear but you know it’s super serious because we accidentally explode the planet, killing almost all life on it.”

“How?”

“Uh, something-something megaspells. I don’t really know, it’s Fluttershy’s fault.”

“But…we’re allied to the zebras.”

“Look stuff happened, something about clash of ideologies and resource scarcity.”

“We’re both monarchies and what resource is scarce?”

“Look, are you going to nitpick this or can we move on? All you need to know is it’s a very fucked up and terribly grim place. Like, the idiots over there decided to give Trixie a level of responsibility beyond managing a fast food restaurant, so you know it’s fucked.”

“Holy shit.”

“Tell me about it. Then we have the universe where Twilight, Chrysalis, and myself kinda abused time travel magic and boy let me tell you how that spiralled out of control. Had to fight Twilight because she was getting uppity about the Elements of Harmony being corrupted or something. I hate having to kill my students,” Celestia sighed. “They take like a decade to replace.”

“W-what?”

“And don’t even get me started on the hundreds of universes where some two-bit human decides they’re overly important and goes on some quest to save our kingdom.”

“What’s…a human?”

Celestia sighed, massaging the bridge of her muzzle. “Ok so like, imagine something that’s a little taller than me, stands on two legs, and has the most boring penis possible.”

“Uh…pardon?” Heartshine asked, her cheeks brightening

“For real, it’s literally just…a fleshy tube with…a cap. Not a very intelligent design for a species who claims to be the product of it. Now, do you know what has an awesome looking dong? Gryphons. Gryphons have fantastic dongs. Knew a gryphoness who…” Celestia smirked. “Tell me, have you seen a gryphon’s genitals before?”

Heartshine expression was that of a mare who literally could not believe the situation she was in. Like, was this really happening? Was she really talking about the quality of another species’ junk with her sovereign, the demi-goddess herself?

“N-no.”

“Well if you’re interested, check your roommate’s collection. Bottom drawer of his cupboard, inside a jewelry box. You’ll find a pretty faithful replica in there.”

Heartshine very loudly cleared her throat. “Maybe we can return to the topic of your er… abilities?”

Celestia nodded. “Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is this: I can see pretty much every single way this whole experiment known as Equestria can go absolutely tits up. So, forgive me if I want to lay back, crack open a cold one, and get rutted by a stallion a ten-thousandth my age. Are you really going to hold that against me?”

Heartshine blinked. “So how many of these universes turn out like this?”

“Far too many.” Celestia smiled sorrowfully. “Do you have any other questions?”

Heartshine shuddered and motioned towards Celestia’s cup. “You uh…got anymore bourbon?”

Celestia snorted and levitated over her flask. “Knock yourself out kid, who knows which drink will be your last.”

Author's Note:

Ok, I came back to this way sooner than I thought. Got this published and chapter 5 is already in the pipe. We'll finally get to see Luna is a solo adventure.

I hope you're all still enjoying this and if you are, come check out my Discord where I'm totally not a shameless slut 24/7.

PreviousChapters Next