Twilight is a well adjusted adult who hates trees
Today was such a lovely day to be outside. There was a nice big sun in the sky, a nice big magazine at Twilight’s hooves, which was full of pictures of nice big…
“Hey, Twilight,” Starlight called, approaching rapidly.
Twilight yelped loudly and slammed her magazine shut, placing a firm hoof over the cover in an attempt to obscure it.
“H-hey Starlight, what are you doing out here?” she asked.
Starlight shrugged. “First day of summer, thought I’d come out and enjoy a little sunshine. What about you? What are you up to?”
“Reading.”
Starlight peered at the book and Twilight broke into a sweat, hoping her hoof would protect what was left of her dignity.
“What are you reading?” Starlight asked.
“Uh… a graphic novel.”
“Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty graphic. Tell me, is that the issue where Sassy Saddles takes it from Rockhoof?”
Twilight horn glowed and bam! The magazine was gone, never to be seen again. Probably locked away in some pocket dimension where only…
It poofed back into existence directly behind Starlight, thumping to the ground.
Thankfully, Starlight didn’t seem to notice.
“I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” she said.
“What is it?” Twilight asked, silently sighing in relief.
“Well, I was talking to Rarity and she mentioned that today is the fifth anniversary of the Golden Oak being destroyed, and I wanted to check up on you and make sure everything’s okay.”
“Oh, well thank you.” Twilight forced a smile. “I appreciate the…consideration?”
Starlight fixed her with a caring look.
“Are you going to be fine?” she asked.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well I mean it seemed like it’d be a pretty important date for you, considering how much you loved that…”
Twilight snorted dismissively. “Fuck that place.”
Starlight blinked. “Uh…what?”
“Yeah, that place was the fucking worst.”
“I wasn’t expecting…”
“Let me put it this way Starlight. Every spring that tree would bud, and all the little flowers around it would blossom, and do you know what happened?”
“What?”
Twilight thrust out her hooves. “Bam, bukkake of pollen all over the place. Like, it literally got everywhere. And guess what?”
Starlight opened her mouth but Twilight didn’t give her a word in edgewise.
“I’m a bookworm,” she continued. “A shut-in, a recluse. Do you know why I’m those things?”
“I…”
“Exactly! Because I - surprise surprise - have crippling allergies. So, that was pretty much four consecutive springs of pure hell where the very air seemed set on trying to asphyxiate me to death. So yeah, fuck that Celestia damned library, the architect who designed it, the mages who grew it, the builders who constructed it, the interior designers who decorated it, and let’s not forget Celestia herself for playing the world’s cruellest joke.”
Starlight paled. “Twilight you can’t say that about Celestia.”
“I can! I’m a Princess. The rules don’t apply to me anymore.”
“But what about all those books?”
“Phhh,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “It was a country library. The only thing of value that was lost were the town records. All the really important stuff had about a million fireproof-slash-explosion-proof wards protecting them. Do you really think the Royal Canterlot Library doesn’t think of this stuff in advance before lending out their rarest tomes?”
“Huh?” Starlight was silent for a moment. “But Rarity mentioned that you were so touched by them making you that chandler out of its roots.”
Twilight smiled softly. “Starlight, I’m not an asshole. Of course, I was touched when my friends did that. It was a very thoughtful gift and they had absolutely no way of knowing how much I hated that place.”
“But the weeks of lamenting?”
Twilight waved her hoof. “I was going through about half a million drastic changes in my life and I guess my stressed-out little psyche decided to feel a hint of nostalgia for my previous life as a simple librarian. Though let’s be honest, that was never really my life.” She snorted. “I let that stupid misconception go as soon as I realized I could breathe in the spring again. That castle really is such a magical gift.”
“Huh…”
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Twilight lit her horn and grabbed the magazine. “I apparently have Sassy getting destroyed by Rockhoof to look forward to.”
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You and I both know Cadance in your universe is either going to be the only sane being in existence, or is going to out thot them all and love every second of it.
9593942
this was ever in question?
Hmm...
"Princess Cadence Actually is a Well-Adjusted Adult. Flurry Heart is a Goggle-Eyed WMD."
Has a nice ring to it.
In any case, stories with the diarchs being generally horrible people are a hard sell for me, but this does such a brilliant job of crossing the line twice (or some much, much greater even number of times) that I'm eagerly looking forward to more.
You aren't the only one babe....
9609164
No joke. A foreign power threatening to invade Equestria? Celestia asks Cadance to drop the hammer of justice upon them. The would-be threat suffers an end heralded by floof, feathers, and giggling baby babble. Truly a horrifying end, fitting for a monster.
I now want to see Sassy Saddles getting smashed by Rockhoof. Why is that not here?!?