• Published 31st Mar 2019
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Celestia and Luna are Well-Adjusted Adults - garatheauthor

Celestia and Luna prove that they are capable adults who are totally and absolutely qualified in running their kingdom.

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Celestia and Luna are well adjusted adults with conflicting views on history

“Sister!” Luna shouted triumphantly as she stormed into the palace’s dining chamber. “I have learned something truly revolutionary.”

Celestia sighed, glanced at her mug of ‘tea’, and downed it in a few mighty gulps. “This should be interesting.”

“Do you know the truth behind my banishment?” Luna asked.

Celestia nodded. “Yes, I was in fact there when it happened. If I remember correctly it was a drunken bet that you and I…”

“The real reason for my banishment,” Luna interrupted, “was not because I blocked out the sun or attempted a palace coup...”

Celestia frowned. “Well, I mean, yes, that is the bullshit story that we made up so that we wouldn’t have to admit to the public that I’m a barely functional alcoholic. But we both know that it was really…”

“That’s right,” Luna declared, continuing with her increasingly aggravating string of interruptions. “The real reason behind my banishment was over the topic of Princess’s Rights!”

Celestia deadpanned. “What?”

“You heard me, dear Sister, you banished me because you were jealous that I was trying to exercise my authority as an independent sovereign in a manner that you did not find acceptable in your carpetbagging Solarist ways.”

Celestia blinked, just staring ahead, absolutely dumbfounded. Like, was this honestly happening? Like for real?

She drew in a breath that betrayed several millennia of exhaustion. “Did you, like, crack your head on the way here…”

“This is the truth, Celestia,” Luna went on.

“…like maybe you should go to the infirmary…”

“I was talking with one of my guards,” Luna continued, “a thestral by the name of…”

“…like I really think you might have a little bit of brain damage, sister. Probably not healthy to leave that unaddressed.”

“Stonewall Lee Beauregard!” Luna slurred.

Celestia stared off into space for a few very long seconds before shaking her head in utter disbelief. “That’s not even a thestral name, Luna. Don’t they all go by ‘Night’ this or ‘Dark’ that? What type of thestral would name their kid Stonewall?”

Luna gasped. “Classic Solarist propaganda, to resort to racism in the face of a just and civilized discourse on the topic of my banishment.” She shook her head and winced as something up there was obviously in pain. “Why am I not surprised?”

Celestia sighed and fumbled for her ‘tea’ pot. At this point, she gave up on common decency and just straight up drank from the spout. If this was how her day was going to start, she was definitely going to need it.

“And did you know, sister,” Luna went on, “that they have started to rebrand our conflict as a War of Solarist Aggression?” She nodded, pointing at her sister. “Your aggression.”

Celestia chugged the rest of the pot before slamming it down, causing the lid to loudly rattle.

“Well regardless!” she huffed. “We both know the real truth is that there never was any conflict. This was all just some drunken bet that I needed to legitimize in the historical records.” She forced a very strained smile. “Now I have just drank a tea pot full of straight Neightucky Bourbon. So, unless you want to experience the product of another drunken bet, I suggest you go to the infirmary and treat that concussion you so obviously have.”

Luna gasped. “Concussion? I have no such thing, sister. This is the first time I have ever achieved utter clarity.”

She then reached up and touched her forehead, blinking in a very unfocused manner at the slight red left upon her hoof.

“Luna…” Celestia said, holding up a foreleg. “You absolutely stupid horse. I know we had a lot to drink that night, but you and I both agreed that this was a stupid drunken bet. Any narrative that the stupid mortals have created is wrong, regardless of what it states or who the villain is.”

“The Tariffs, Celestia!” Luna shouted.

Celestia frowned. “The tariffs?”

“I opened up my rebellion against you due to the oppressive nature of your tariffs on the economy of the thestrals.”

Celestia blinked and then flagged down a waiter, motioning towards her now empty tea pot.

The poor servant looked alarmed at the request, though Celestia’s utter doneness cured him of any attempts at second guessing her decision.

“Luna, what exactly do we import from the other races?” Celestia asked.

Luna frowned. “P-pardon?”

“Just… just a question, what exactly do we, Equestria, the beacon of civilization, the kingdom upon a hill, import from any of those other species. Is it coal? Iron? Timber? Manufactured goods? As far as I know, Equestria doesn’t really benefit from tariffs in the slightest, nor do any of our citizens suffer from them.”

“But, but…” Luna swallowed a lump in her throat. “When I was speaking to Stonewall...”

“Who probably heard the real truth from his grandfather, who in turn learned it from a long long line of alarmingly inbred relatives. But, yet again, I am going to ask you: do you have any brain damage, sister? Because as far as I recall your banishment was the result of a stupid drunken bet that we made during a night of binge drink.” She drew in a breath. “Which, if you don’t stop with this utter ass-ery, right this second, I will be well on my way towards replicating before lunch.”

Luna growled. “Then how do you explain the statues!”

“The statues?” Celestia asked, cocking a brow.

“The statues dedicated to the brave bats who laid down their lives to defend their homeland and Princess.”

Celestia blinked. “We have statues like that?”

Luna nodded.

“Like…” Celestia frowned. “Like we have those in… Canterlot?”

“There are several statues in Canterlot honouring the brave thestrals who sacrificed everything in order to protect themselves from Solarist aggression.”

Celestia frowned. “Well, clearly I need to take greater control of local affairs.” She sighed. “How about this, Luna; how about we make a compromise.”

“What kind of compromise?” Luna asked, slurring her words.

“I will leave those statues up and, in return, you go to the castle infirmary and treat your head wound.”

Luna sighed. “Why are you so set on believing I have brain damage? Are you afraid of the truth?”

Celestia shook her head. “No, but I am very much afraid of that trail of blood leaking down your face.”

Luna blinked and touched a hoof to her forehead again, pulling it back to examine the red that now very clearly tarnished it. “Huh…”

She then wobbled back and forth before collapsing in a heap.

And just at that moment, Celestia’s savior arrived in the form of a very handsome servant with a fresh pot of bourbon.

“Shall I summon the royal surgeon?” he asked, glancing at Luna as he placed down the pot.

Celestia sighed and topped off her cup. “I suppose that would be the best option.”

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