Celestia and Luna prove that they are capable adults who are totally and absolutely qualified in running their kingdom.
Equestria has thrived for millennia, led dutifully by its diarchy. Only the most capable and qualified of ponies can be responsible for such a bountiful legacy.
"What the fuck did I just read? And why am I smiling?" - Corejo
"In any case, stories with the diarchs being generally horrible people are a hard sell for me, but this does such a brilliant job of crossing the line twice (or some much, much greater even number of times) that I'm eagerly looking forward to more." - FanOfMostEverything
Celestia is a well adjusted adult with perfect memory
The grogginess of not enough sleep and the mother of all hangovers coalesced in her mind. Yet as this realization dawned on her it painfully seized centre stage.
Oh fuck, oh shit, Luna is going to fucking kill me. How the hell am I going to explain that I forgot her up there for…Gods…how long has it been?
Celestia rubbed her forehead.
Shit, how was she this hungover? What had she even been doing last night?
The snore of a royal guard pierced the darkened silence of her bedchamber.
Oh right, she’d been doing that…and probably also the other royal guard pressed against her side. Sirius and Vega if she wasn’t mistaken. A nice husband and wife who were very reliable chamber guards.
Ok, first off, let’s figure out how long you’ve left her up there for?
She winced, feeling the dryness of her mouth and a lingering sickness tickling the back of her throat.
Actually, scratch that. First things first, water. You need water.
She reached over and grabbed a glass from her bedside table, taking a generous sip.
Anddddd that was left over whiskey…with a ground-up blunt in it.
Celestia smacked her lips.
Another graceful morning for the most perfect and graceful pony in all of Equestria.
She jingled the glass back and forth, and downed the rest in one potent pull.
Ok, now we need some light. You aren’t figuring anything out in the dark.
Her horn glowed and suddenly the room was illuminated as the sun filled the sky in an instant.
Hopefully, it wasn’t too early.
She looked at the clock on her wall.
Oh nah, she was fine. It was like one in the afternoon, the sun was normally supposed to be up by now anyways.
One of her bedmates stirred, letting out a hungover groan. “What time is it?”
“One in the afternoon, sweetie,” Celestia said before forcing a shaky grin. “But hey, just a quick question.”
“What is it, Celly?”
“What year is it?”
Her bedmate opened her eyes, looking confused as all hell. “Uh 986, why?”
Godsdamnit, 986 years since what? Stupid mortals and their stupid way of telling time by centring it around “major events.” How were the hardworking immortals of the world supposed to keep up with the fall of every government or birth of every messiah? It was impossible!
“Uh, no reason, just a little game. Now it’s been 986 years since what?”
Her bedmate blinked. “What?”
“Just a simple question, hun.”
“Since Luna was corrupted by Nightmare Moon and you were forced to banish her to save Equestria?”
Celestia inhaled sharply.
Oh dear gods, you left her up there for nearly a 1000 years. Oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck shit, she is going to be fucking furious. Like a hundred years is a joke, har har har. Maybe even two hundred. But a thousand? Oh, gods, this was bad.
She chuckled nervously. “Thank you very much, Vega.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Would you mind collecting your husband and giving me a little privacy. I need to get my affairs in order.”
Vega nodded and poked Sirius. “Wake up babe, it’s time for our walk of shame.”
He grumbled something under his breath but was eventually roused after enough prodding. At which point the two of them shuffled towards the door, collecting their armour as they left.
They cast the princess a final cheerful smile, which she returned, before slipping out, most likely to ribbing of their comrades.
Celestia couldn’t lament on them however, she had bigger fish to fry.
Alright, so you’ll just bring her back and smooth things over? I mean she can’t be that mad, right? It was just a fun little game, a harmless prank. R-right?
Celestia sighed.
I am so fucking dead.
Look, Celly, just bring her back. If she murders you…
She suddenly stopped. Wait…what had Vega said? Something about Nightmare Moon? Who was…
OH FUCK!
Society had noticed Luna missing and those stupid mortals have invented a whole folklore about why it happened. How the hell was she going to explain to them why Luna was suddenly back?
Great, just fucking great. Now, she not only needed to bring Luna back, and smooth things over, but she also had to create a whole mythos and bullshit to stop these stupid mortals from losing their little mortal minds at seeing her again.
She sighed loudly.
Ok, maybe you can centre it around her going rogue and needing a millennium to purify her spirit?
She shook her head.
Nah, not theatrical enough. Maybe, Luna needed to be locked away to buy me enough time to train an apprentice who can deal with her?
That…no that’s fucking stupid. Why couldn’t I just deal with her myself?
How about, I conveniently forgot about the legend, because come on I totally did just forget about her for 900 years, and my apprentice discovers it and has to deal with her?
No, no way, no one’s going to believe that you’re that dumb.
How about…ok, this is the winner. How about, I totally knew about it but pretended to forget as a means of testing my apprentice. This could be my first step into molding her into a princess or something down the road.
Celestia shook her head.
Fuck it, that’s the best I’m willing to come up with right now.
She scanned her suite, looking amongst her rubbish for a quill to write Luna with.
First, beg for forgiveness. Second, get her onboard with the plan. Third, find an apprentice and train them from foalhood.
…
Wait that was going to take years.
Celestia threw back her head and groaned. “Fuckkkkk.”
986 Years Earlier
Luna downed her 3rd stein of ale and let out a hearty belch. “Hey, sister?”
“What…what is it?” Celestia slurred, clearly doing a poor job of keeping pace.
“I…” Luna waved her hoof to the sky. “I bet you can’t teleport me to the moon.”
Celestia laughed. “Tis foal’s play, dear sister.”
“How much shall we wager?”
“How about sole jurisdiction over the Duchy of Luxembark?”
“It has nothing to offer but illiterate Diamond Dogs and convenient access to Prance.”
Celestia shrugged. “I think it would make a fine place to store the royal cake reserves.”
“Don’t you already store them here?”
Celestia slapped her bloated belly. “Yes, but they might seem far less tempting if several hundred kilometres away.”
“An excellent suggestion.”
“So, tis a deal?”
Luna nodded. “A deal.”
Celestia hoofed over her stein. “Then hold my beer.”
Luna grabbed it, clutching it tightly to her chest.
With her beverage securely in Luna’s hooves, Celestia closed her eyes and focused all her attention into her magic. Her connection to harmony was drawn upon and focused into a pinpoint of raw magical vigour. She scanned the surface of the moon, selecting a nice little crater in the southern hemisphere, before envisioning Luna there, and releasing her spell.
When Celestia opened her eyes, Luna was absent. Though, so was her…
“Shit! She was holding my beer!”
Celestia groaned and shook her head. She just needed to remember to bring it back in the morning with Luna.
She looked around, searching for a quill.
Should she leave herself a reminder?
…
Phh, nah.
There was no way she’d forget something so important.
Celestia and Luna are well adjusted adults who have very adult arguments
It was about two years after Luna’s return when Celestia, her sister, and Twilight sat around a table, drinking hot beverages and eating danishes, at a prim or proper tea party.
At least that’s what it seemed to Twilight. To Celestia and Luna, both knew that neither prim nor proper really belonged in their general vicinity. For instance, Luna was fully aware of the contents of Celestia’s cup, knowing fully how much of it was alcoholic. Though to Celestia’s credit…
“I’m so glad that you could join us, Princess Luna, I hope I didn’t wake you up too early,” Twilight said, obviously noticing how tired her dear sister looked.
…to Celestia’s credit, she knew the name of Night Guard who left her sister in such a haggard state. His name was Ganymede. He was such a nice boy. Very virile.
“Tis nothing,” Luna said. “I would be up regardless of your visit, so I might as well greet a friend.”
“So, is there anything you came here wishing to discuss?” Celestia asked.
Twilight shook her head. “Nothing serious, just came to chat really. Though, seeing you two has made me remember something.”
“What is it?”
“As someone who grew up with a sibling, I’m impressed at how well you and Luna seem to get along. I’ve never seen you two argue or fight or even bicker since Luna’s return.”
Celestia waved her hoof. “It’s not that we don’t have fights, it’s just that we deal with them in a respectful and mature manner.”
“Bullshit,” Luna mumbled behind her cup.
Celestia furrowed her brow. “Language, dear sister.”
Luna cleared her throat and began to recite something from memory. “On today, March 12th, year 538 after the defeat of Discord, I, Princess Celestia, decree that the body formerly known as the Moon shall now be referred to as, the Fart.”
Celestia threw up her hooves. “I rescinded that law! When are you going to let it go!”
Luna snarled. “You didn’t rescind it until 722! GENERATIONS LIVED AND DIED CALLING IT THE FART!”
Celestia is a well adjusted adult who doesn't hold grudges
Heartshine smiled brightly. “I’m so glad you could make it, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia peered at her psychiatrist from the couch in her office.
The mare was this tiny little bundle of warm feelings and crushing sexual repression crammed into what had to be the cutest pegasus she’d ever seen, with a crisp green coat and a flowing purple and red mane styled in a tight bob.
“So,” Heartshine began. “How have your exercises been going?”
“Pretty good,” Celestia lied.
Heartshine frowned. “And you’ve been limiting your drinking?”
Celestia took a sip of her bourbon tea, which was really more bourbon than tea.
…
Ok, it was actually all bourbon and no tea. Just a nice warm cup of booze to start the day off right.
Celestia offered a tight smile, “Of course, I have.”
“You know…I can tell when you’re lying, right?”
Oh right, her shrink was a fucking Heartmender. Fuckers could peer into your soul or something. Honestly, that felt very invasive but… if this was the best service the palace could provide then she’d concede to such intrusions.
Heartshine sighed. “Are you even taking these sessions seriously?”
“Of course, my dearest little pony.”
“I can still tell when you’re lying,” Heartshine muttered before snapping her notepad shut. “Ok, I’m going to be honest with you: Your sister is very concerned.”
“About what?”
Heartshine bit her lip. “Your rampant sex life, abusive drinking habits, and seeming disregard for mortal life.”
She rattled each off as if they were flaws.
Celestia snorted. “Oh, isn’t that rich, the pot calling the kettle black.”
“So, you admit to having these issues?”
“I’d hardly call them issues. My liver is immune to damage, I can’t contract STIs, and you mortals can be replaced. Just you know…you do the thing where you replicate.”
Heartshine cocked a brow. “Give birth?”
“Exactly!”
“Look,” Heartshine fixed Celestia with the warmest look imaginable, placing a hoof upon hers. “Just because you’re immune to the adverse physical health effects of your actions doesn’t mean they don’t have a very real mental toll.”
“My dear, I have a very resilient mind. You have to when you’re multi-omniscient.”
“Multi-omniscient?”
“Yes, you do know what omniscience is, correct?”
“Yeah, it’s where you can see and know everything.”
“Very good.” Celestia tilted her cup at Heartshine. “By the way, that was a grade A performance with that royal guard last night. I’m really glad you finally found someone.”
Heartshine burned bright red. “What? How?!”
“Omniscient, dear. It’s ok, if it makes you feel better, I can also talk ad nauseum about what your roommate was doing with the place to himself.”
“P-please don’t.”
“Very well.” Celestia motioned with her hoof. “Anyways multi-omniscience simply means that I can see into dozens of alternative universes and enjoy the same privileges there. For example, in another universe, I’m currently having this exact same conversation with a little brown pegasus filly. She’s as cute as a button but gods she has issues.” She shook her head. “So very many issues.”
“So, you’re telling me that not only do you have the ability to peep on everypony, but you can peep on them across multiple dimensions?”
“Yes, exactly. Like there’s one universe where I’m a trophy in an Orcish Lord’s Satanic throne room.” Celestia sipped her ‘tea.’ “I don’t think that’s an especially positive timeline.” She shuddered. “You mortals get turned into batteries, it’s pretty rough.”
Heartshine paled. “What?”
“Yeah, it’s like in the Maretrix but…worse. These orcs don’t even give you a cool virtual reality to fuck around in. Just torture day in, and day out, and day in, and day out.” She shook her head. “I really ought to check on the locks to Tartarus someday soon.”
“Are all your timelines this grim?”
“Oh no no no, there are quite a few positive ones. However, they’re like little twinkling bastions of hope in a comsos of colossally fucked up possibilities. Let me tell you about the one universe where Equestria and the Zebras go to war.”
“Why are we at war?”
“Unclear but you know it’s super serious because we accidentally explode the planet, killing almost all life on it.”
“How?”
“Uh, something-something megaspells. I don’t really know, it’s Fluttershy’s fault.”
“But…we’re allied to the zebras.”
“Look stuff happened, something about clash of ideologies and resource scarcity.”
“We’re both monarchies and what resource is scarce?”
“Look, are you going to nitpick this or can we move on? All you need to know is it’s a very fucked up and terribly grim place. Like, the idiots over there decided to give Trixie a level of responsibility beyond managing a fast food restaurant, so you know it’s fucked.”
“Holy shit.”
“Tell me about it. Then we have the universe where Twilight, Chrysalis, and myself kinda abused time travel magic and boy let me tell you how that spiralled out of control. Had to fight Twilight because she was getting uppity about the Elements of Harmony being corrupted or something. I hate having to kill my students,” Celestia sighed. “They take like a decade to replace.”
“W-what?”
“And don’t even get me started on the hundreds of universes where some two-bit human decides they’re overly important and goes on some quest to save our kingdom.”
“What’s…a human?”
Celestia sighed, massaging the bridge of her muzzle. “Ok so like, imagine something that’s a little taller than me, stands on two legs, and has the most boring penis possible.”
“Uh…pardon?” Heartshine asked, her cheeks brightening
“For real, it’s literally just…a fleshy tube with…a cap. Not a very intelligent design for a species who claims to be the product of it. Now, do you know what has an awesome looking dong? Gryphons. Gryphons have fantastic dongs. Knew a gryphoness who…” Celestia smirked. “Tell me, have you seen a gryphon’s genitals before?”
Heartshine expression was that of a mare who literally could not believe the situation she was in. Like, was this really happening? Was she really talking about the quality of another species’ junk with her sovereign, the demi-goddess herself?
“N-no.”
“Well if you’re interested, check your roommate’s collection. Bottom drawer of his cupboard, inside a jewelry box. You’ll find a pretty faithful replica in there.”
Heartshine very loudly cleared her throat. “Maybe we can return to the topic of your er… abilities?”
Celestia nodded. “Anyways, the point I’m trying to make is this: I can see pretty much every single way this whole experiment known as Equestria can go absolutely tits up. So, forgive me if I want to lay back, crack open a cold one, and get rutted by a stallion a ten-thousandth my age. Are you really going to hold that against me?”
Heartshine blinked. “So how many of these universes turn out like this?”
“Far too many.” Celestia smiled sorrowfully. “Do you have any other questions?”
Heartshine shuddered and motioned towards Celestia’s cup. “You uh…got anymore bourbon?”
Celestia snorted and levitated over her flask. “Knock yourself out kid, who knows which drink will be your last.”
Luna is a well adjusted adult who knows a thing or two about pegging
Triton, Luna’s most loyal and second most virile chamber guard, gasped softly, clenching as Luna’s peg slipped into its hole. The last half an hour had been a cunning game of little plays and bold strategies, yet Triton had fallen to Luna’s superiority. This is why he now watched, a complex series of emotions swirling in his mind, as Luna did her deed, pressing forcefully into her predestined slot.
“P-please,” Triton mewled. “Have mercy.”
Luna chuckled. “Do you really think I will be so kind? No, I demand that you concede.”
Triton groaned. “Never.”
Luna smirked. “Then this shall continue.”
A predatory glint twinkled in her eye as she picked up her deck of cards and shuffled them before dealing six to herself and Triton.
Triton looked at his hand, dismay washing across him. “How are you so good at cribbage?”
Luna giggled mercilessly, “I’ve been a ruthless grandmother for many a century.”
Today was such a lovely day to be outside. There was a nice big sun in the sky, a nice big magazine at Twilight’s hooves, which was full of pictures of nice big…
Twilight yelped loudly and slammed her magazine shut, placing a firm hoof over the cover in an attempt to obscure it.
“H-hey Starlight, what are you doing out here?” she asked.
Starlight shrugged. “First day of summer, thought I’d come out and enjoy a little sunshine. What about you? What are you up to?”
“Reading.”
Starlight peered at the book and Twilight broke into a sweat, hoping her hoof would protect what was left of her dignity.
“What are you reading?” Starlight asked.
“Uh… a graphic novel.”
“Yeah, I’d say it’s pretty graphic. Tell me, is that the issue where Sassy Saddles takes it from Rockhoof?”
Twilight horn glowed and bam! The magazine was gone, never to be seen again. Probably locked away in some pocket dimension where only…
It poofed back into existence directly behind Starlight, thumping to the ground.
Thankfully, Starlight didn’t seem to notice.
“I actually wanted to talk to you about something,” she said.
“What is it?” Twilight asked, silently sighing in relief.
“Well, I was talking to Rarity and she mentioned that today is the fifth anniversary of the Golden Oak being destroyed, and I wanted to check up on you and make sure everything’s okay.”
“Oh, well thank you.” Twilight forced a smile. “I appreciate the…consideration?”
Starlight fixed her with a caring look.
“Are you going to be fine?” she asked.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well I mean it seemed like it’d be a pretty important date for you, considering how much you loved that…”
Twilight snorted dismissively. “Fuck that place.”
Starlight blinked. “Uh…what?”
“Yeah, that place was the fucking worst.”
“I wasn’t expecting…”
“Let me put it this way Starlight. Every spring that tree would bud, and all the little flowers around it would blossom, and do you know what happened?”
“What?”
Twilight thrust out her hooves. “Bam, bukkake of pollen all over the place. Like, it literally got everywhere. And guess what?”
Starlight opened her mouth but Twilight didn’t give her a word in edgewise.
“I’m a bookworm,” she continued. “A shut-in, a recluse. Do you know why I’m those things?”
“I…”
“Exactly! Because I - surprise surprise - have crippling allergies. So, that was pretty much four consecutive springs of pure hell where the very air seemed set on trying to asphyxiate me to death. So yeah, fuck that Celestia damned library, the architect who designed it, the mages who grew it, the builders who constructed it, the interior designers who decorated it, and let’s not forget Celestia herself for playing the world’s cruellest joke.”
Starlight paled. “Twilight you can’t say that about Celestia.”
“I can! I’m a Princess. The rules don’t apply to me anymore.”
“But what about all those books?”
“Phhh,” Twilight rolled her eyes. “It was a country library. The only thing of value that was lost were the town records. All the really important stuff had about a million fireproof-slash-explosion-proof wards protecting them. Do you really think the Royal Canterlot Library doesn’t think of this stuff in advance before lending out their rarest tomes?”
“Huh?” Starlight was silent for a moment. “But Rarity mentioned that you were so touched by them making you that chandler out of its roots.”
Twilight smiled softly. “Starlight, I’m not an asshole. Of course, I was touched when my friends did that. It was a very thoughtful gift and they had absolutely no way of knowing how much I hated that place.”
“But the weeks of lamenting?”
Twilight waved her hoof. “I was going through about half a million drastic changes in my life and I guess my stressed-out little psyche decided to feel a hint of nostalgia for my previous life as a simple librarian. Though let’s be honest, that was never really my life.” She snorted. “I let that stupid misconception go as soon as I realized I could breathe in the spring again. That castle really is such a magical gift.”
“Huh…”
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Twilight lit her horn and grabbed the magazine. “I apparently have Sassy getting destroyed by Rockhoof to look forward to.”
“And that is why I believe the lands to the southwest of the Crystal Empire, should be put aside for future generations,” the petitioner stated.
Cadance nodded along; her expression neutral, hard to read.
“I appreciate you coming forward with this petition, Misses Oat. However, I must ask if your proposal offers an alternative means of addressing food security in the Empire. Something to counter Apple Brandy’s plans for a system of monocultures on these very same lands.”
“Of course, Your Majesty. If you’ll flip to page 76 of my report…”
Cadance offered a tight smile and did as instructed, allowing her eyes to rove the page.
“Ah, a system of community farming projects.” She hummed. “Paid for via a 3% tariff on imported Equestrian processed foods. That addresses food security, but still, your project would not leave any surplus produce for export.”
Golden Oat beamed. “As my report states, by preserving the discussed lands, and incorporating them into our imperial park program, we’d see an increase in tourism, while the injection of healthy food would lead to decreased public health expenditures. Those together should be able to offset the revenues gained from agricultural exports.”
“I see,” Cadance said, nodding her head slowly. “Still, I will have to further study your report before I can come to a proper decision on your petition. How about I pencil you in for another royal session two weeks from now?”
“Of course, Your Majesty.”
With that Golden Oats left with a smile on her face, only to be replaced by the next of a long line of petitioners.
Cadance’s three o’clock meeting was far more casual than she was used to, as she found herself in the middle of a construction site wearing a bright orange vest and yellow hardhat. Both of which were unusually clean considering all the mud and grime around her.
She was in the partially constructed Grand Central Station for the Crystal Empire. When finished, it would be the new terminus of all train traffic in the north, linking together the previously isolated communities of her domains with the prosperous lands of Equestria, following a rail network she designed by hoof.
“How long of a delay are we talking?” Cadance asked.
It was also turning out to be a massive pain in her butt.
The chief engineer shook his head. “No idea, Your Majesty. We desperately needed that cement shipment from Manehattan. Without it, we can’t start construction on the platforms and that delays pretty much every other aspect of the third phase.”
Cadance creased her brow. “Why don’t we begin domestic production?”
“Pardon?”
“Mr. Iron, not ten kilometres to the north is one of the empire’s most productive limestone quarries and coal can be imported from Yakyakistan for shillings on the bit. Surely, the initial sink cost of constructing a cement factory would be offset by savings over importing it from Equestria.”
“I’d have to…check the numbers.”
Cadance shook her head. “I’ve already crunched them. We’d be looking at a twelve percent savings in cement and you’d be cutting down on transportation delays, so those savings would only be amplified. Plus, it can be used after the fact. It’s not like we’ll ever run out of a demand for cement.”
Pig Iron bowed. “Of course, Your Majesty. I’ll begin drafting plans for a factory immediately.”
“Thank you, Mr. Iron.”
Tea time with the Prime Minister, a weekly ceremony that Cadance adopted from her aunt.
However, where Celestia had endured hundreds of Ministers over millennia of rule, Cadance had so far only gone through one.
Her second was a stout and elderly statesmare who looked old enough to be her grandmother. Yet, her frailty hid steely resolve, and her gray hair covered a mind sharper than any blade.
The Crystal Empire’s Renaissance would not have been possible without the work of Flurry Nimbus.
Cadance offered the mare a smile. “How are you enjoying your tea?”
“It’s lovely. Thank you, Your Majesty.”
“I was wondering if it was possible for us to discuss…”
“The Trade Treaty with Nova Griffonia?”
“Indeed.”
Nimbus chuckled. “Always right for the kill. You know, I hear Celestia lets her Prime Ministers open with something easy.”
“Well,” Cadance smirked. “I’m not Celestia.”
“Indeed, you’re not.” She sighed. “The treaty is going nowhere. Foreign Minister Davenshire has run into roadblock after roadblock. The Griffons want to drain us dry, not trade with us.”
Cadance nodded. “Maybe we should try and get some leverage.”
“What do you have in mind?”
“If Nova Griffonia won’t trade with us, then we’ll find some other partner. When they notice their advantage slipping, they’ll hopefully be far more agreeable.”
“Who?”
“How about the Governorship of Gillyford?”
Nimbus gasped. “Nova Griffonia would be furious. They still think of Gillyford as part of their domains.”
“Let them be furious. They’ll eventually realize they’ll play by our rules one way or another.”
“This is a dangerous game, Princess.”
“Yes, it is. Thankfully, it’s one I aim to win.”
Nimbus bowed. “Of course, Your Majesty.”
When she popped back up, she offered a warm smile. “Your aunt would be proud of you, you know. You work harder than any of the princesses and that’s a fact.”
Cadance humbly shook her head. “We all work hard in order to ensure the harmony of Equestria, Prime Minister.”
Another long day of being a Princess came to an end as Cadance returned to her royal suites. She dropped her briefcase on the floor, kicked off her horseshoes, and hung her tiara off a coatrack.
As she walked into the common room, she was greeted by her loving family.
She smiled at them and embraced Shining tightly, giving him a nice big kiss.
Then, she took Flurry from him, showering her little bundle of joy with all the affection she could manage.
With those two properly loved, she then hugged her second husband, Sunburst, giving him an equally warm kiss.
Then finally she hugged her wife, Chrysalis, doling out her final and most important piece of affection. A kiss which involved plenty of tongue and ended with some playful nipping.
As Chrysalis withdrew, she smouldered seductively.
Cadance made a note to take care of that later.
As it was already well after dinner, the four of them opted to go right to the bedroom, cuddling on their massive polyamorous-sized bed. Their harmony and love were only occasionally interrupted when Flurry cried from a nearby crib.
Thankfully with four parents, it was a lot less work to address her woes.
And that’s how Princess Cadance ended her day.
Celestia is a well adjusted adult who shares state secrets
Twilight had wings. Like actual, godsforsaken wings. There was no way that stupid spell should’ve worked like that. There was supposed to be some sort of placebo thing, maybe a little moral lesson about her role to play in society, and then something that would focus on how to deal with one’s mortality. It was all supposed to be very touching.
But apparently, fate had other things in mind. Oh no, nothing could ever be simple for poor old Princess Celestia. No. Instead — surprise surprise — Equestria had a brand spanking new princess.
Why did everything always need to be so freaking difficult?
She picked up her golden chalice and drained the rest of her wine.
Ugh, not even this vintage could take the bitterness out of her mouth.
Life could really be unfair for a princess, you know?
“Are you ok, Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked.
When Celestia brought herself back into the moment, she noticed that Twilight was frowning.
Oh, gods, how long had she been silent for?
She forced a smile. “Of course, my dearest student. I am merely coming to terms with this development. I had…I had no way of knowing that this would be the outcome.”
“You didn’t?”
“Indeed, the Elements of Harmony work in…”
Assholish ways.
“Strange and mysterious ways. However, if they have deemed you worthy, it must mean that you’ve ascended to princesshood.”
Oh hell! She needed to create a whole new kingdom now. Was there some other despot she could overthrow and replace? That seemed to work for Cadance.
Maybe the Yaks?
Princess of the Yaks?
It had a certain ring to it.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “I’m… a princess?”
Celestia offered a warm, motherly smile. “Of course. You’re an alicorn, Twilight. It’s only natural that you join the three of us.”
There wasn’t anything natural about this, but fuck it, Celestia was great at improvising.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “I…I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
Celestia placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight, you are the brightest mare I have seen in generations. If anypony can tackle the complicated world we find ourselves in, then it’s you. I couldn’t think of a better pony to rule by my side.”
Twilight looked up, almost looking hopeful.
See, great at improvising! Celestia didn’t last this long on the throne without being able to bullshit like a champ.
“Do you mean it?” Twilight asked.
“Of course.” Celestia frowned. “In fact, I think it’s about time that I made you privy to some of our nation’s most important secrets.”
Twilight swallowed hard. “Equestria has secrets?”
“Oh, so many secrets. Harmony isn’t harmonic, Twilight. Sometimes…values must be compromised so all our little ponies can live peaceful and happy lives.”
“I see.”
“Tell me, have you heard of the Clocktower Society?”
A guard next to them snorted loudly before promptly blushing and clamping a hoof over his snout.
“Something the matter, Centauri?” Celestia asked, cocking a brow.
The guard stiffened. “Nothing at all, Your Majesty. I just find it amusing that you called it a secret.”
“It is a secret.”
“Like the entire royal guard is part of it and so are eighty percent of the aristocracy. No offense, but it’s a pretty shitty secret.”
“Regardless…”
“And that’s not even mentioning how it has something like twenty-three million members across Equestria.”
“If you don’t stop spouting rumours of this top-secret society…” Celestia grumbled before smirking. “I’ll be forced to punish you.”
The guard smirked right on back. “For the good of the flame?”
Celestia nodded. “For the good of the flame.”
“Wait, what are you two talking about?” Twilight asked.
Celestia turned her attention towards Twilight. “Wait…have you honestly never heard of them?”
“N-no?”
“Really?!”The guard laughed and shook his head. “LIke for real?”
“Really, I’ve never uh...heard of them before.”
“Well,” Celestia continued, “the Clocktower Society is a secret organization which operates on the fringes of Equestrian society.”
Centauri stifled a giggle. “Fringes?”
“Fine, they operate secretly from the heart of Equestrian society. They specialize in uh…”
She went silent, trying to find the right way to phrase it.
“Providing the means to having safe kinky sex,” Centauri offered.
Celestia motioned to him. “Yes, that.”
Twilight’s expression blanked. “Wat?”
Celestia sighed, rubbing the bridge of her snout. “They are a society which specializes in allowing Equestrians to live out their dirtiest sexual fantasies.”
“They’re kind of super instrumental to our society,” Centauri chimed in.
“How…instrumental are we talking?” Twilight asked.
“Pretty much their work, in pushing the forefront of sexuality, has been what has propelled Equestrian technology forward for the last...” Celestia rolled her hoof. “Three…four thousand years.”
Twilight snorted and shook her head. “You’re fucking with me, right? Like there’s no way that…”
“Teleportation spells, mass communication, adhesives, latex, rubber…” Celestia rattled off.
Twilight was about to speak but then Centauri joined in.
“Do I even want to know how agriculture is sexual?” Twilight asked.
“Think about all the harnesses used by earth ponies,” Centauri replied, a smirk barely contained beneath his guardlike stoicism.
“The point is,” Celestia continued, “all of these things would never have been created without the work of the Clocktower Society.”
Twilight shook her head. “You’re telling me that…this…deviant group is responsible for all of Equestria’s technological advances?”
Celestia nodded. “You know how in gryphon society, all advancements are made in the name of militarism and warfare?”
“Yes.”
“Well in Equestria, our society has advanced because we needed to find new and innovative ways to fuck.”
“I..I just…why?!”
Oh gods, how do you even explain this to a pony?
“Civilization would be impossible without the Society. They uh…there’s this…” Celestia winced and gestured to Centauri. “How do I explain it?”
Centauri cleared his throat. “There is this religious artifact in their possession called the flame of devotion, which…pretty much…without it, the Windigos would return and destroy all civilization.”
Twilight was stunned silent, numbly running a hoof through her mane.
Celestia placed a hoof back on her shoulder, attempting to restore a semblance of calm.
“And for the flame to work, we are required to uh… fuck to keep it sustained,” she said.
“So,” Twilight began. “If we don’t fuck, Equestria will end?”
“Correct.”
“But why does it have to be…kinky?”
Celestia shrugged. “No idea. I guess the artifact has some weird and very specific voyeurism fetish. It just so happens, that the dirtier the fucking, the longer the flame burns.”
“This is…this is a lot to take in.” Twilight expression fell. “Wait…you mentioned Windigos?”
“We did.”
“Does that mean…”
Celestia solemnly nodded. “Yes, Twilight, in that cave, our ancestors fucked one another’s brains out in order to ensure that Equestrian civilization was allowed to thrive.”
“And not only did they fuck, but they fucked dirtily,” Centauri explained.
“Rope was involved.”
“And so was impact play.”
“And breathplay.”
“And vore.”
Twilight buried her face in her hooves. “What the fuck?! What is wrong with this world?”
“Many things my faithful student.” Celestia frowned. “Though I do have one question.”
“W-what is it, Princess?”
“Are you a virgin?”
Twilight’s cheeks warmed. “I am.”
Celestia sighed. “Then…I have some very unfortunate news. You’ve been exploiting the commons and actively working against Equestria’s interests.”
“P-pardon?”
“Your virginity is killing the world, Twilight.”
Cadance is a well adjusted adult who has issues that might make this an M-rated fic
Cadance ran a hoof through Chrysalis’ mane, gently stroking her precious wife as she fed. The sensation was oddly nice when it was done consensually, like a warm hug or playful kiss. She watched their two pillars of magic mingle, Chrysalis’ green draining a small stream of Cadance’s strong blue aura.
As Chrysalis fed, Cadance leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead, causing her magic to brightly pulse, draining far more of Cadance’s essence in a blink of an eye. She didn’t mind, however. After all, as the Princess of Love, her reserves were seemingly endless.
“Is something bothering you?” Chrysalis asked.
Cadance smiled softly. “What makes you say that, my pet?”
She traced her hoof along Chrysalis’ collar, toying with the little ring in the front.
“I can feel…I can feel it in your magic,” Chrysalis said. “Something’s stressing you out.”
“I guess there is something wrong,” Cadance muttered, shaking her head. “It’s very minor though. Barely even an issue.”
“Cadance,” Chrysalis cautioned, reproachfully.
“Fine, fine, I just…I want to get topped.”
Chrysalis snorted.
“What?” Cadance asked, looking away sheepishly.
“You’re right, that is pretty minor.” Chrysalis withdrew her magic and instead nuzzled into Cadance’s chest. “Do you think one of us could top you?”
Cadance smirked. “Shining is Shining, Sunburst is addicted to my strap, and well…” She flicked the ring on Chrysalis’ collar. “I don’t think I’m likely to get an ounce of toppiness out of you, at this point.”
Chrysalis’ cheek warmed. “I’ll admit that since I’ve…” She cleared her throat, “been put in my place, I’ve been a bit more reluctant to take a position of authority. Plus, no offense, but you’re really fucking good at topping.”
“It’s a curse.” Cadance groaned. “I’ve turned all my spouses into massive bottoms.”
She let out a hefty sigh and waved her hoof. “Can I admit something to you?”
“What’s up?”
“When you trapped me in that cave, I was…it was actually kind of super hot. To be put in such a hopeless position and left at your complete and utter mercy.” She bit her lip and shuddered. “I won’t lie, I may have uh… jilled off once or twice.”
“Cadance!” Chrysalis hissed.
“I know, I know, problematic fetish but come on, virgin princess at the mercy of a merciless queen. That’s the stuff harlequins are made out of.” She grinned. “And like the really hot girl on girl ones too, not that boring dude on chick bullshit.”
“Wait… you were a virgin?”
Cadance blushed. “Yeah, Shining and I only ever did buttstuff and oral.”
“That’s… still sex.”
“Not in the eyes of the lord.”
“Which lord?”
“The Lord, Chrysallis.”
“Okayyyyy.”
Chrysalis went silent for a moment, seeming content on studying her hooves.
Finally, a mischievous grin formed on her muzzle. “So, what you’re saying is that maybe you’d be interested in me…taking on that persona from time to time?”
“I mean if you’re comfortable with it.”
Chrysalis smoldered, leaning in nice and close. “Would you want me to turn you into my little princess pet? A pony who would bow and comply with my every command? Somepony to worship my divinity, to grovel at my hooves, and fulfill my every desire between the sheets?”
Cadance’s cheeks warmed. “Y-yes please.”
“Well then…” Chrysalis bit her lip. “I’ll have to politely decline.”
“WHAT!?”
“I’m reformed now. I wouldn’t dare try and do such a thing.”
“Bitchhhhh.”
Chrysalis grinned. “This is my revenge, Cadance, leaving you without a top.”
“You’re the worst.” Cadance huffed. “I’m going to beat your ass tonight.”
“Sounds like a win-win to me.”
“I can top!” Shining Armor protested.
“Babe, I’m glad you think that but…” Cadance sighed. “You couldn’t top your way out of a paper bag.”
“I so could.”
Cadance smirked. “Oh yeah? Prove it.”
Shining went silent for a moment, his expression scrunching into that absolutely adorable little concentrated crease he got when he was really trying to think of something.
Finally, he cleared her throat and fixed her under his domineering smolder.
“I bet you like when I fuck you…” He sternly stated before his expression slipped. “Uh…you fucking slut?”
Cadance deadpanned.
“Did that work?” Shining asked, grinning nervously.
Cadance snorted and shook her head. “Take me now you absolute Casanova.”
“Wait, really?”
Cadance turned away. “Sure, just let me go get my strap.”
Shining let out a relieved sigh. “Oh, thank the gods.”
Cadance closed her book, looking to Sunburst.
“Is there any chance you can top?” she asked.
Sunburst looked at her, cocking a brow. “Like…in the bedroom?”
“Yeah…” She sighed. “Never mind, it was a stupid question.”
“I mean I can totally try.”
“You don’t have to leave your comfort zone for me. I know you’re the bottom of this quadriad.”
“Do you mind if I get a little rough?”
Cadance went silent for a moment. “Pardon?”
“Do you mind if I get a little rough?”
“Uh no, if you want to give it a try.”
Sunburst nodded and leaned over, placing a hoof under her chin and forcing her to meet his eye.
“Cadance,” he whispered. “Tonight, I am going to bend you over our bed and spank that fine ass you’ve been teasing me with all day.”
Cadance’s cheeks warmed.
Sunburst’s magic glowed as he gripped her mane, nice and tight, tugging sharply upon it and bringing her ear right against his mouth.
“Then I’m going to fuck you like the little slut you are,” he whispered. “And I’m not going to be gentle about it, either. I’m going to make sure you walk funny tomorrow. I want your whole court to know what a fucking little whore you are for your husband.”
Finally, he bit down hard on her ear, eliciting a little gasp.
“How was that?” he asked, letting go and dropping any hint of dominance from his voice. “Any good?”
Cadance’s face was beet red. “Holy shit…”
“Uh...Cadance.”
“Y-yeah.”
“I hear dripping.”
Luna and Cadance are well adjusted adults who know about refined cocktails
“So, what can I get you two to drink?” Fleur De Lis asked, gesturing to the two Princesses.
Cadance smiled softly, politely bowing her head. “Do you have any mint?”
“This is a Canterlot townhouse and Fleur’s a member of high society,” Luna said, chuckling softly. “If these aristocrats are good for anything, it's that they have fully stocked bars.” She gestured to their host. “No offense, Fleur.”
“None taken. I fully admit that ninety-five percent of my colleagues are pompous assholes who do little more than collect their rents and live off the interest generated by trust funds.” Fleur snorted in disdain. “Honestly, most of them deserve a meeting with the guillotine.”
The two Princesses were stunned silent until Fleur blinked and offered a polite smile. “As for your question, Princess, I, unfortunately, don’t have any mint.”
“Then I’ll just have a Gin and Tonic,” Cadance said, shaking herself out of the moment.
Fleur nodded before gesturing to Luna. “And for you, Luna?”
Princess Cadance cocked a brow.
Luna and not Princess Luna? Interesting.
“I’ll have a scotch,” Luna said.
“Neat?” Fleur asked.
“Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Fleur politely dipped her head before heading off towards the bar.
Cadance snorted. “When did you start drinking the dom drink?”
Luna’s cheeks warmed. “Pardon?”
“Well I mean you’ve always had an affinity for sweeter drinks,” Cadance said, then laughed. “I still remember when you got shit-faced on wine coolers and mudslides last New Years’.”
“Cadance,” Luna hissed, glaring daggers at her. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Fleur snickered from the bar. “I kind of want to hear this story.”
Cadance opened her mouth but Luna cut her off.
“There’s no story to tell,” Luna said. “I’ve always been a mare who has an affinity for drinking dignified and mature drinks. I’d never have allowed myself to consume a… what did you call them?”
“Wine cooler and mudslides?”
“Ah yes, I’d never allow for one of those to touch my palate.”
Cadance decided to go along with the lie.
“Ah right, I must’ve been thinking about Princess Twilight,” she said. “It’s easy to get you two mixed up. You know, considering you two have a pretty similar coat and mane colour and all. You kind of blurs together after a few pitchers of sangria.”
Fleur returned to Luna’s side, offering a gin and soda to Cadance and a glass of amber-coloured scotch to Luna.
“How long has this been aged for?” Luna asked, studying the glass with the critical gaze of an expert.
Fleur smiled. “About seven years.”
Luna took the drink. “Ah for quite some time then. I do like them when they’ve been aged this long.”
She sipped the scotch and seemed to handle it surprisingly well. That is, until Fleur looked away, at which point Luna casually spit the drink back into her glass and stuck out her tongue in utter disgust.
It took a lot of willpower for Cadance to suppress a snicker.
“You do know that’s the dom drink though, right?” Cadance asked.
Luna shook her head. “What are these doms you speak of?”
“Oh, don’t play coy, Auntie. Even you must know what BDSM is?”
“I may have heard the term once or twice before.”
She glanced nervously at Fleur, who glanced back with equal reservation.
“Is it some kind of charity?” Fleur asked.
The two looked like a pair of fillies caught with their hooves in the cookie jar.
Well if they weren’t the two most obvious ponies in the whole entire world. Still, if they wanted to play coy...
Cadance sipped her drink, letting the moment linger.
“BDSM is a bane upon my work as the Princess of Love,” she finally said. “It’s a hobby taken up by a bunch of ponies who use, abuse, and claim that it is somehow love.”
“Hey!” Fleur blurted out.
Luna covered Fleur’s mouth, causing the unicorn to burn a bright shade of red.
“Surely, you must be jumping to conclusions rather quickly, dear niece?” Luna asked, gritting her teeth.
Cadance shook her head, examining the ice cubes in her glass with surprising interest. To look at either of them would risk breaking her composure.
“Oh no, literally the whole thing is about stallions beating mares for some sick sexual pleasure.” She snorted in disgust. “I hear they even support slavery and pony trafficking.”
“And what does scotch have to do with it?” Luna asked.
Cadance shook her head. “The stallions who do these types of activities like to drink it. They probably think it makes them look rather refined and far more dignified than they actually are.”
She could practically feel the rage bubbling under Luna’s skin.
Good, maybe it’d teach her a thing or two about being a little bit more transparent with her niece.
“And can only stallions be doms?” Fleur asked.
Cadance nodded. “I couldn’t imagine any mare ever getting off to the idea of beating another mare. I think if I ever met such a pony, I’d throw my drink in her face.”
“Is that so?” Luna coldly stated.
“Of course.” Cadance then looked up and smiled softly. “Thankfully, no such mare exists.” She levitated her drink, so she could clap her hooves together. “Anyways, why did you two lovely mares call me here today?”
“I was hoping that you’d be able to help me and Miss De Lis out with a little personal problem,” Luna muttered. “Though I now think you might be the wrong mare for the job?”
Cadance snapped her magic and materialized a business card. “Her name is Aurora. She’s a professional dominatrix who operates out of a little town in northern Equestria. I’d highly recommend that you hire her, if you’re looking for a few pointers.”
“Wait…” Fleur stammered. “Didn’t you just…”
“Play you two like a fiddle?” Cadance asked before flashing a cheeky grin. “Of course. Maybe it’ll teach you a thing or two about not dancing around the issue when it comes to matters of intimacy. Especially in front of your niece who kind of has a sixth sense for these type of things.”
She glanced at Luna. “Speaking of which, how long have you had her collared for, auntie?”
“Six months now,” Luna mumbled, clearly left just a little flabbergasted.
Cadance winced. “And you still haven’t gotten used to the taste of scotch yet?”
Luna facehoofed.
“It just tastes so fucking awful,” she groaned.
“Oh Auntie,” Cadance cooed. “You know, you could try something else. Maybe gin and tonic? It’s pretty respectable and refined.”
Fleur cocked a brow. “Wait, but you’re drinking a…”
Cadance materialized another business card. On it was the address of a library in the Crystal Empire.
“Stop by a little after eight on Thursdays. I’ll usually be there with one of my pets if you’d like a few pointers from somepony you know.”
Luna and Cadance are well adjusted adults with a slight generational divide
Princess Cadance stepped to the side, making room for Princess Luna to step past her and into the main atrium of the Crystal Palace.
“Auntie, I’m so glad you could make it,” Cadance beamed.
Luna smiled and dipped her head. “I thought it was about time that I paid you and your ponies a visit. Especially when I could justify doing so on happier terms.” She glanced at her niece. “Speaking of which, how is the Crystal Heart?”
“As strong and vibrant as ever.”
“That is good to hear. Did you figure out a way to keep it charged and in good health?”
Cadance nodded, gesturing for Luna to follow.
“Yes, I discovered that love magic was the key to keeping it going,” she said, leading them through the various opulent passages. “Who could’ve guessed that, right?”
“Ah.” Luna chuckled. “And how does one quantify love magic?”
“Oh, it’s just…”
“The strength of a bond between two or more ponies?”
“Nope! It’s literally powered by how many ponies are fucking in close proximity to it.”
Luna deadpanned. “Pardon?”
“Yeah! Just throw like one hell of a banging orgy every couple of months and that bad boy’s love tanks get topped right off.”
“I… see…”
“I am actually kind of glad you mentioned it though.” Cadance shook her head. “Since I made that little discovery, and implemented the appropriate changes, we’ve gone through a tiny bit of a public health crisis.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “You don’t say.”
“Chlamydia is up 80% across the capital, HPV rates have doubled in recent months, and apparently we’re experiencing a little flare-up of uh… herpes. I was wondering if you could possibly offer some advice on how to handle this?”
“Whoever could’ve seen this coming,” Luna muttered under her breath before looking at Cadance. “Yes, we can discuss it later. I have… a vast wealth of experience in dealing with viral flare-ups.”
The two of them continued forward, making their way deeper into the Crystal Palace. As they passed Cadance’s staff, Luna was puzzled, noticing that they simply waved and greeted their princesses, with none bowing to their grandeur.
Disrespectful, but it made sense when the empire had been ruled by a tyrant for so long. Plus, it seemed that Cadance had a more modernist sense of governance than either of her aunties.
A princess of the common pony, so to speak.
As they progressed, one of Cadance’s guards stopped them.
“That was a great party you threw last night,” he said.
He bore the dopey grin of a stallion who’d done more than just drink last night.
Cadance giggled. Her amused laughter was this soft tinkling sound, like a dozen little bells all chiming at once.
“I know what my guards like,” she commented, with enough flirtation in her voice to make the guard’s cheeks warm.
Plus, Luna figured that it was pretty easy to be loved by the common ponies when most of the staff had probably stuck their dick in Cadance at some point.
The three exchanged a few final pleasantries before the princesses slipped away and continued deeper into the palace. They had made it maybe a dozen metres before Cadance stopped, yet again, and waved her hoof frantically.
“Sapphire!” Cadance called.
A crystal pony’s ears perked up.
“Oh, Princess Cadance,” she beamed, waving her hoof in return.
The princess trotted over and Luna followed behind at a leisurely pace.
“Luna,” Cadance said, gesturing from her aunt to the blue and incredibly gorgeous crystal pony. “This is Sapphire. Sapphire, this is my Aunt, Luna.”
Sapphire dipped her head. “It is a pleasure to meet you.”
“Likewise,” Luna said.
“Sapphire is one of my main confidants,” Cadance explained. “She was a holdover from the old crystal harem.”
“I’ll admit.” Sapphire laughed. “I am far fonder of our new management.”
Cadance leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. “Glad you think so.”
“You have… a harem?” Luna asked.
“Of course,” Cadance said, cocking a brow. “You don’t?”
“Well I mean duh but like… I just thought that what you had going on with Shining, Sunburst, and Chrysalis was…”
Cadance cocked a brow. “My marriages?”
When Luna didn’t respond, Cadance looked back to Sapphire. “So, did you hear the rumours about Lord Golden Oats?”
Sapphire grinned nice and wide.
This was a mare ready to gossip.
“What happened?” Sapphire asked.
“Turns out that the newspapers caught him ragging on the head of the Crystal Miners Union,” Cadance said.
“Didn’t he just get leadership of the Social Democrats?”
“Right?!”
“Holy shit, that’s a bruh moment.”
“No kidding, like what the fuck was he thinking?”
“Think he’s going to get cancelled?”
“I wouldn’t doubt it. What he did was the opposite of cash money.”
Sapphire giggled. “Ok, but did you hear about Lady Grey?”
“No, what’s the tea?”
“Apparently she thought it’d be gucci to give a stallion half her age some oral.”
“No fucking way.” Cadance threw back her head and laughed. “I’ve never met a mare that thirsty before. She’s such a fucking thot.”
“Well you know, if she breathes…”
“Gods,” Cadance sighed. “Is there anyone left in my empire who’s still woke?”
“You?”
Cadance chuckled. “Well you know, you either die a hero or live long enough to get cancelled. And well… I’m going to be living for a hell of a long time.”
“I mean this kingdom is full of ponies who are living way too long,” Sapphire grumbled.
Cadance snorted and shook her head. “Savage.”
“Ok, but real talk.” Sapphire sighed. “You have this cohort of bougie ass ponies who need to get the hell out of the way and make room for-”
“I can’t force ponies into retirement,” Cadance said, shaking her head sadly. “And I don’t need you throwing shade at the aristocracy. It isn’t going to change shit and I sure as hell ain’t guillotining anypony.”
Sapphire bowed her head. “My apologies, Cadance. I’m just a little salty about things…”
“I understand.” Cadance cupped Sapphire’s chin and kissed her on the cheek. “And… you know I’m doing my best, right?”
“I… I do.”
Cadance smiled and kissed her again, this time on the lips. “Are you coming to Shining’s birthday next week?”
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Sapphire grinned. “Is it going to be lit?”
Cadance chuckled. “Do you think I’d ever throw some basic-bitch shit?”
“I mean… I’ve been to your galas.”
“Ouch…” Cadance faked being hurt, “I’m shook.” She then smiled softly. “But for real, it’s going to be a blast.”
“Then I’ll be there for sure.”
Luna loudly cleared her throat and the two ponies paused, looked at each other in utter horror, and turned their attention to the Princess of the Night.
“I’m so sorry Auntie, I was just catching up with Sapphire,” Cadance admitted. “I didn’t mean to leave you unattended.”
Sapphire grinned nervously. “And our choice of language was probably a little jarring, wasn’t it?”
Luna studied them for a second before she burst out laughing. “Oh, I wouldn’t know about that.” She patted Cadance on the back. “Do try and remember that I have thousands of years of experience with being the younger sister.”
“Huh?” Cadance asked, blinking.
“It means that I’m well versed in being a rebellious little bint and talking like one,” Luna explained. “In other words, we’re gucci, bae.”
Celestia is a well adjusted adult who is pretty much raffling away Princesshoods at this point
Trumpets blared, announcing the arrival of a very important pony to these most hallowed of halls.
In response, Celestia slouched a little less, trying her best to look anything but bored – and possibly a little inebriated. Though you could blame her morning tea for that.
“We now welcome, Sunset Shimmer!” the court herald chimed, his voice bellowing for the assembly to hear.
Ah yes, the return of Twilight’s prototype, the beta version, the flawed experiment, a joyous day indeed. Wasn’t like Celestia had replaced her, like what, nine years ago at this point?
The door opened and the unicorn stepped in, her gaze falling instinctively to the stonework on the floor.
Now here was the million-bit question, had she finally taken the time and done some self-reflection. Maybe took a chance to learn how to act right? Or was this going to be the same little…
“Princess Celestia…” Sunset began, bowing her head.
Celestia took a sip of her tea, adding just the right amount of slurp to show her indifference. “Sup?”
Sunset tensed, bowing even lower and nearly touching her snout to the ground.
Celestia pursed her lips. “Get up… you’re making this weird. Like really weird.” She cracked a tight smile. “I’m not going to make the pony, who I had my maids read bedtime stories to, kneel before me like some common earth pony.”
Sunset chuckled. “You’re right, it is pretty unbecoming of a unicorn to do that.”
“Right?” Celestia exclaimed, snickering back and ignoring the heated looks she got from the earth ponies in attendance.
“So…”
“How have you been?” Celestia asked.
“Pretty good, I’m still in school.”
“Getting good grades?”
“Of course! Acing all my classes.”
“That’s good to hear,” Celestia smirked. “I even heard you made some friends?”
Sunset grinned nervously, running a hoof through her mane. “Yeah uh…so funny story…”
“I’ve heard it before, you became friends with alternative versions of all of Twilight’s friends.” Celestia snorted. “Honestly, the whole situation reeks of impostor syndrome. Can’t imagine that’s very easy.”
Sunset winced. “Yeahhh… it’s a little…”
“Must be weird now that you’re dating Twilight, or well… a lesser Twilight.”
“She isn’t a lesser Twilight,” Sunset grumbled.
“Does she have wings?”
“N-no.”
“Then she’s a lesser Twilight,” Celestia declared, motioning with her hoof. “We got a pretty clear hierarchy around here. You got earth ponies at the bottom, then ponies with wings, then those with horns, and finally at the very tippy top, you got the few who have wings and horns.”
Yet again more dirty looks from her earth pony courtiers, what was up with that?
“Sunshine has been pretty great to me,” Sunset muttered, looking strangely defensive.
“Gonna be awfully unfortunate if you ever get wings though,” Celestia said, studying her hoof. “Because, well, can’t have both Twilights having wings and that means… let me tell you this Sunset, immortality sucks for the first two hundred years.”
Sunset cocked a brow. “Uh, pardon?”
“After that, you kind of just get numb to the concept of loss.” She sipped her tea. “Maybe find a friend at the bottom of a glass of rye.” She blinked and snapped back to attention, looking at Sunset. “Sorry, got off on a little tangent there.”
“It’s perfectly fine, Your Majesty.”
“So,” Celestia gestured, “why are you here?”
She noticed her court scribe visibly cringe, motioning frantically towards the briefing notes left beside her throne. The ones which she had failed to even glance at, let alone read.
Sunset’s gaze fell back to the floor. “Well… my mom died.”
“Oh…” Celestia’s expression fell as she sucked in air through her teeth. “That’s uh… that’s pretty rough kid.”
“It is,” Sunset agreed, nodding her head solemnly. “I never even got a chance to say goodbye. Just a letter showed up one day.”
“Believe it or not…” Celestia sighed, “I know the feeling.”
“You do?” Sunset asked, tears brimming.
“Yeah, Mom kind of had to sacrifice herself so that the universe could be created. It was pretty rough because we didn’t even know about it until we rushed home to tell her about all the magical stuff we were seeing.” A twinkle formed in her eyes. “Stars, suns, planets, life… all so beautiful and new. Then bam…” And just like that the magic died, “we realized that all those wonderful things we were seeing were, well, mom’s life essence exploding outwards. Kind of like seeing your mom gutted by a bull with gore spraying everywhere. Her guts being the cosmos, the stars her blood, and all the planets little bits of grey matter fired outwards like grapeshot. It’s all pretty graphic in hindsight.” She looked at her tea, taking a very deep sip. “Downright traumatic, in fact.”
Sunset’s jaw stood agape.
“Sunset?” Celestia asked, tilting her head to the side.
“Sorry, I just…” Sunset shook her head slowly, “I didn’t realize you had parents?”
Celestia nodded. “The two most wonderful titans that a filly could ask for.”
“Is your dad still around?”
“Oh no, he passed away a few centuries later. It too was quite tragic.”
“A noble sacrifice?” Sunset asked, bowing her head respectfully.
Celestia snorted. “Actually, it was auto-erotic asphyxiation.”
“OH!”
“Yeahhhhh” Celestia rubbed the bridge of her snout. “Not the greatest thing to come home to after a camping trip. I think it honestly fucked up Luna.”
Celestia took another long sip of tea, finally emptying her cup. Thankfully she had a bottle of bourbon – with a piece of masking tape taped over top, reading tea – nearby for her to top her glass off with.
A silence settled, not only between them, but seemingly over the entire room, with everypony doing their best to look at something that wasn’t Princess Celestia.
Finally, Celestia spoke up. “Would some wings make you feel better?”
Sunset’s eyes widened. “Pardon?”
“Like, do you want me to make you an alicorn?”
“Why… why would you do that?”
“Look, kid, I know what you’re going through and it’s pretty rough. But do you know what’s really fucking rad?”
“What’s that?”
“Being a literal freaking demi-goddesses. No one cares if you fuck up, or fuck off, or fuck, or come to court drunk.”
This last one was punctuated by a noisy slurp of tea.
“That does sound pretty rad,” Sunset admitted, cracking a nervous smile.
Celestia winked at her. “It’s really fucking rad.”
“Are you willing to even do that for me though? I remember this being a pretty serious point of contention between us.”
Celestia waved her hoof. “Look I’ll admit that I was a stingy bitch back then. But I’m literally just throwing Princesshoods away at this point. So, I might as well give you one.”
“That’s uh…” Sunset’s smile faded instantly, “that’s honestly kind of trivializing to the struggle I went through back then.”
“Oh please,” Celestia snorted. “You were a moody teenager and I was at the tail end of a two-year-long binge of not getting laid. We were both being pretty immature and irritable by that point.”
Sunset sighed. “That’s fair.” She looked up at Celestia. “What would I be the princess of anyways?”
Celestia shrugged. “Does your little alternative dimension have a princess?”
“Not really?”
“Then perfect, you’ll be the ruler of your own personal fiefdom. We’ll call it the Shimmer Free State.” Celestia blinked. “Do they grow rubber?”
Sunset bit her lip. “I don’t think they’d accept me that easily.”
“I don’t care,” Celestia snorted. “I’m Princess Fucking Celestia. I literally make the sun and moon move. I’m sure I can deal with a few riffraff rebels.”
Sunset was silent for a moment before finally she looked up with a triumphant smile.
“Let’s do it,” she said.
Celestia nodded and her horn began to glow. “Then I, Princess Celestia, bestow you with the honour of being Princess Sunset Shimmer, ruler of the…” She paused. “What are the citizens over there called again?”
“Humans,” Sunset said, flinching away from the rapidly growing and brightening ball of mana above Celestia’s head.
Celestia nodded. “Yes, you’ll be the ruler of the humans.”
And with that, the spell was cast.
Celestia is a well adjusted adult who just ODed, now the other three need to figure out what the fuck to do about that
Three princesses loomed over Princess Celestia’s body, staring down at her with a mixture of sorrow and remorse. Twilight and Cadance both sniffed back tears, their makeup ruined by the misery of this dreaded moment, while Luna stood by the side with a cold, hard reverence.
Celestia was lifeless. Her tongue was lolled out of her mouth and her eyes, left wide open, stared vacantly at nothing. Nopony alive would have found the ceiling in this part of the castle that fascinating.
“This looks bad,” Twilight whispered before prodding Celestia. Obviously, she didn’t move. “How did this even happen?”
One of the doctors in attendance sniffled back her own tears before flipping through her charts. “It looks like she suffered from a massive brain hemorrhage after snorting a mixture of cocaine and ketamine.”
“That was her favourite.” Luna sadly shook her head. “It’s how she would’ve liked to go.”
Cadance quivered, fighting back the tide of tears that threatened to overwhelm her. “What are we going to do? She was…” A rogue sniffle. “She was irreplaceable.”
Twilight drew up to Cadance’s side, resting a hoof on her withers. “We’ll think of something.”
“Of course.” Cadance drew in a shaky breath, her expression suddenly turning eerily calm. “So, which one of us is going to replace her?”
Luna frowned. “I thought you just said she was irreplaceable?”
“Well, I mean obviously she is, but I mean, come on, one of us needs to fill her horseshoes.”
“Can’t we at least wait until the body gets cold before we start trying to pry them off,” Twilight murmured. “There will be time for talking about this later.”
Luna nodded. “Twilight’s right. We need to mourn for my beloved sister. We can worry about the structure of our government after the funeral.” Luna shook her head. “Plus, obviously it should be me that takes over her mantle.”
“You!” Cadance snorted. “Why you?”
“I mean, I am her sister and also the second-highest ranking alicorn in these lands.” Luna shrugged. “It kind of feels like the natural choice.”
Cadance stepped forward, trying her best to maintain a cheery smile, though the cracks were very obviously starting to form. “And I am an empress, I think it’s only natural that I begin to…” She motioned with her hooves, “consolidate the relationship between our two realms.”
Twilight tried to step between them. “Girls?”
The magic of two potent alicorns promptly shoved her aside. She skidded to a halt next to Celestia’s cold, clammy body… and the puddle of fluids that encircled it. The one that Twilight had no doubt was piss, but was also desperately trying to tell herself wasn’t, as she scrambled to her hooves to avoid it.
Luna laughed. “You? Your realm is but a petty client state on the fringes of Equestria, whose chief exports are cheap gemstones and venereal diseases.”
“I do what I need to do to keep that godsdamn horn dog of a heart alive,” Cadance snarled before throwing her nose up to the roof. “Plus, if I’m not mistaken, I have the longer reign since your first should not be included into such considerations of leadership.”
Luna took a menacing step towards her. “And why should that be?”
“Because, according to the vote of this triumvirate, we are stripping you of it. Why should a reign marked by civil conflict and bloodshed against Celestia be accounted for when trying to decide on her replacement?” Cadance lifted her hoof. “Isn’t that right, Twilight? You agree with me.”
Twilight froze. “Uh…”
Cadance smirked. “Either vote for this decision or I tell the Equestrian public about all those freaky little kinks you disclosed to me.”
Twilight tensed.
Luna snorted. “Twilight… same threat but I will include the kinks that you only think about in your dreams.”
“Come on Twilight, I can give you that harem you crave,” Cadance chided.
“And if we remove Cadance, no one will stop you from claiming Shining as your own,” Luna said.
Cadance’s gaze snapped to Luna. “Wait, what?”
Twilight stepped back and grinned sheepishly. “Maybe we could investigate the possibility of forming some kind of power-sharing agreement. Maybe we could rotate leadership every couple of months. I know there are certain mountain tribes that do that.”
“Well, if Twilight is going to sit on the fence, I can only think of one way to resolve this,” Cadance said, turning to leave.
“And what’s that?” Luna asked, cocking a brow.
Cadance sprinted towards the door. “I’m mobilizing my guard!”
Luna blinked and then chased after her. “You bitch! Not if I mobilize mine first!”
Shrill laughter followed Cadance. “Good luck with that, I’m fucking half of them anyways.”
“YOU WHORE!”
Twilight looked at the door and then back at Celestia’s lifeless body. She trotted over to the princess and plucked the crown from her head, holding it in front of herself. There was a key on the back, which she snapped free before settling the crown upon her own mane.
She then trotted over to a bureau, unlocking it with the key. Inside were all sorts of papers and ancient artifacts.
“Idiots,” Twilight murmured before pulling out the Elements of Harmony.
Once she counted the complete set, she moved towards the door, leaving the room behind.
The doctors in attendance looked nervously between one another before also promptly leaving, just kind of letting Celestia remain there, motionless.
Celestia continued to lie there for a few more minutes before her eyes fluttered and she snapped them shut, letting out a pained groan as she placed a hoof to her fragile skull.
“Fucking me,” she groaned. “What the hell did I do last night?”
Celestia and Luna are well adjusted adults who help Twilight mitigate a disaster
The crisis centre within Canterlot Castle was abuzz with activity. Junior officers and bureaucrats rushed about, holding telephones, documents, and graphs afloat as they hurried back and forth. All around the room, ponies were panicking, updating charts, maps, and figures. At the centre of the disaster response effort was a massive conference table, and laid out upon it was a map of the city of Baltimare with various neighbourhoods shaded in yellow, orange, red, and black.
Seated on the other side of the table were two stern-faced officers, the Captains of the Solar and Lunar Guards. They were cold-looking hunks who Celestia and Luna totally didn’t bang on occasion. And between them, in a loose semi-circle, were three Equestrian Princesses.
Of the three, Twilight was the only one who looked attentive, blazing through a mission brief that had been presented to her. Celestia, on the other hoof, looked absolutely bored, sipping her morning bourbon as she tapped a hoof against the table in bored irritation. Luna, for her part, looked just ravished by a hangover, staring vacantly into space with bloodshot eyes and opened maw, her mug of coffee so far untouched.
“Is Her Majesty doing alright?” the Lunar Captain, Ganymede, asked.
Luna groaned and Celestia offered a tight smile. “I’m afraid that me and my sister went on a bit of a bender last night.”
“But you seem perfectly fine,” the Solar Captain, Polaris, stated. “Obviously it couldn’t have been that bad.”
Celestia frowned and took another sip of her beverage. “That’s because I never stopped bending. Can’t get hungover if you don’t stop drinking in the first place.”
The two captains exchanged a troubled look before Polaris cleared his throat. “Yes, of course. Anyways, I’m assuming you’ve had a chance to look over your briefs.”
Twilight placed hers down and nodded.
Celestia merely cocked a brow and slid her unopened document into the centre of the table.
And Luna just kind of blinked before jerking to the side and noisily spilling her breakfast onto the floor. This caused an unobservant officer to slip in her sick and go flying, sending papers filled to the brim with troubling figures exploding throughout the room.
The captains’ worry didn’t seem to dissipate as the shower of notes fell around them.
It was now Ganymede’s turn to speak. “Reports from Baltimare have stated that is a spread of a new and highly vicious strain of pony flu, which is burning its way through the city. So far, we’ve been fortunate and no cases have left the boundaries of the urban core. As such, we’ve already begun to take action in cutting them off from the outside world. However, we’ve opted to summon you to help get a better handle on the situation. The news is troubling, and we felt it would be best to consult with you first and see if we could develop an adequate mitigation strategy.”
Twilight nodded somberly. “I’m sure between the three of this we can come up with an acceptable policy to help minimize equine suffering.” She glanced at her co-rulers. “So, what should we…”
The two princesses stared vacantly at Twilight.
Twilight sighed and closed her eyes, massaging her temple. “Oh, for fuck sakes, are you going to make me do this all by myself, again?” She growled to herself and slowly shook her head. “This isn’t some two bit villain terrorizing Equestria. We need to come up with a sound and rational plan, together, to ensure that this doesn’t get out of control.”
Celestia frowned and placed down her tea. “You’re right, Twilight. It’s just… it’s become rather easy to rely on you for these kinds of emergencies.” She looked at Polaris. “What is the likelihood of this disease spreading outside of Baltimare?”
Polaris looked at his own brief. “With their access to the outside world constricted, the odds are incredibly slim unless it has already found a way to leave the city.”
“And no incidents have popped up outside of the quarantine zone?” Twilight asked.
“No, ma’am.”
Celestia smirked. “Then the decision is obvious, we need to get rid of the cancer before it has a chance to spread. Captain Polaris, would you please ready a Balefire Bomb?” She hummed. “And make sure to bring out one of those big red buttons. I do love pressing them.”
Twilight face-hoofed. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”
Luna snorted and lurched forwards, bracing herself against the table as she grimaced.
“Twilight’s right,” she slurred. “Your plan is stupid.”
“Thank you!” Twilight exclaimed. “At least somepony around here is being rational.”
Luna nodded and looked sternly at her sister. “Baltimare has close to a million inhabitants. You’d need at least three bombs to ensure a proper purging of the city.”
“Oh, that’s a very good point, sister,” Celestia said, shaking her head. “My apologies, you’ve always had a far better mind for military matters than myself.”
Twilight’s forehead crashed against the table.
Luna ignored this and looked at Ganymede. “Please bring me a button as well. Celestia always gets to push the damned button and I want my shot at it.”
Ganymede frowned. “Errr, Your Majesty, maybe Princess Sparkle is correct in assuming that we can take an alternative form of disaster relief in this situation.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “Fineeee, I’m sure we can think of some other response to this crisis.”
For some incredibly dumb moment, Twilight looked up, almost feeling something resembling hope.
“How about…” Luna continued, motioning with her hoof, “we ban all laws within the quarantine zone. You know, kind of like in that movie…” she looked at Celestia, “what was it called again?”
Celestia smirked. “The Purge?”
“Right!” Luna exclaimed. “We pretty much replicate the purge in Baltimare until all the affected individuals are dead. Then we simply storm in, re-establish the rule of law, and call it a day.”
Twilight bolted upright, using her magic to clamp both of her fellow princesses’ muzzles shut. “Okay!” she exclaimed. “Thank you very much for the ideas, and I will make sure to take them into consideration.”
She looked at Polaris, her smile incredibly unhinged. “Get the Solar Guard to take over the logistical operations for the duration of the quarantine, ensure that the city’s pharmacies, hospitals, and markets are supplied. I also want them to be guarded and have a strict occupancy limit maintained.” Then she looked at Ganymede. “I want you to use the Lunar Guard for construction. Use tents to set up enough space for five thousand temporary hospital beds, then over the next few days rent or build spaces to house twenty-thousand semi-permanent beds.”
She then turned to the princesses and released their maws. “See! Was that really so hard?”
Celestia smirked and took another confident sip of her bourbon. “Well Twilight, if you wanted to take the lead on this, why didn’t you just say so?”
Twilight opened her mouth to retort but was cut off as Luna once again lost her lunch. Instead, she merely let her twitching eye speak for itself.
Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Twilight are Well Adjusted Adults Even When They're Homo Sapiens (EQG Special)
Celestia sat behind her desk, her expression cold and fingers tented as she stared at the delinquent who sat across from her.
The older teen, just old enough to be doing the twelfth grade for the second time, looked calm, cool, and collected. This was not really an attitude Celestia was especially fond of when it came to students who were causing trouble.
Celestia sighed. “So, Mister Flag, I have heard a few very interesting rumours floating around the school about you.”
The student looked at his fingers, inspecting his nails. “Is that so? And what are they saying about me this time.”
“Apparently, you’re selling pot and other party drugs to your fellow students.” Celestia shook her head. “And you’re doing this on school property of all places.”
“That’d be a pretty spicy rumour,” Flag agreed, smirking to himself. “If it was true.”
“And are you claiming that it isn’t?” Celestia asked.
Flag nodded. “Mhm.”
“Then why were these found in your locker, Mr. Flag?” Celestia asked, opening her drawer and pulling out a couple baggies, each filled with a different strain of marijuana. It was enough to keep a reggae concert well-stocked.
Flag’s eyes widened. “You can’t just search a student’s locker without giving them warning!” He growled. “I have rights you know.”
Celestia sighed and stood up, making her way towards the door. “Mr. Flag, I don’t think you realize how little I care about your rights. I am a Queen and this school is my castle. Your rights are mere privileges to me.” She glanced over her shoulder and smirked. “Privileges, mind you, that you choose to exploit and take advantage of.”
“Wait until my lawyer hears about this?” Flag grunted.
Celestia laughed. “Yes, let’s see how well that goes for you, caught with enough pot to warrant at least a couple years of community service. Not that I honestly expect you to even be able to afford a retainer in the first place.” She shook her head and slid the deadbolt into place with a loud thud. “But, Mr. Flag, it isn’t the pot that I’m concerned with. That’s not why I’m offended.”
A bead of sweat formed on Flag’s brow. “Then what’s up?”
Celestia smirked and now approached a closet. “Like I said, this school is my castle, Mr. Flag, which means that every junkie and supplier has the decency to pay their tribute for the privilege of peddling their products.” She shook her head. “But not you, Mr. Flag. You decided to disrespect me by coming onto my turf, selling your cheap ass garbage weed and not cutting me in on the deal.”
Flag’s breathing caught. “W-what?”
Celestia opened the closet, reaching into it. She hummed to herself as she drew back, twirling an aluminum baseball bat in her hand. She allowed Flag’s eyes to follow it before smacking it loudly into her palm.
“I’ll put it simply, kid.” Celestia stepped forward and roughly prodded him in the chest. “I want my money.”
Six students hovered over a stormwater grate. One of them, Rainbow Dash, was holding her phone with only a forefinger and thumb, sliding the thin piece of fragile technology between the grates, constantly making a series of ‘ooohhhhs’ and ‘ahhhs’ as she did so. A single wrong move and she’d drop it, plunging it into the abyss.
The other five girls all cheered her on, each daring her to inch even deeper and really push the limits of her grip and fool-hearted bravery.
Pinkie Pie was filming the whole thing, chanting Rainbow onward, constantly beseeching her to ‘do it for the Vine’. Though, of course, Vine was dead and this video would instead be on Tik Tok.
Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle, the human one, turned the corner, stumbling upon this far too stupid affair.
“What are you doing?” Sunset asked.
Applejack looked over. “Making a vine?”
“Isn’t Vine dead?”
Rarity snorted. “No one says 'do it for the Tik Tok,' darling.”
The human Twilight sighed, tilting her chin towards Rainbow. “You know that you’re out several hundred dollars if you drop that, right?”
Rainbow looked over and rolled her eyes. “Chill out, Twi. I’m not going to drop my phone.” She then looked back to the grate and continued her daring cinematography for Pinkie Pie.
“Yeah,” Twilight, the equine one, interjected. “Chill out, me, she’s not going to drop her phone.” She snorted. “Cuck.”
Rainbow laughed. “Nice one, Twi.”
The human Twilight sighed. “How are we even…”
“She’s not a cuck!” Sunset exclaimed. “We just got finished fucking.”
Human Twilight’s face burned. “Uh, maybe we could not yell that out loud?”
Before Sunset could respond, Rainbow yelped. It was a very terrified yelp.
Both of the Twilights and Sunset looked over and saw that there was no longer a phone between Rainbow’s fingers. Instead, their friend stared at the grate, utterly dumbfounded.
“I dropped my phone,” she mumbled before the gears clicked in her brain. “Fuck! I had like six months left on my contract!”
All of the girls just stared, dead silent, looking at the phone-devouring grate.
Except for Pinkie, who giggled. “Whoops. I wasn’t even filming.” When the girls all turned and stared at her, her giggling died away. “M-my bad?”
Luna sat upon her throne, sipping a glass of brandy from her vantage point overlooking the school’s gymnasium. It was the dead of night, with only a few feeble lights illuminating the venue. There was an arena of sorts set up on the ground floor, with a ring of pylons dictating its boundaries.
Across from her was another throne with a very crusty old bitch sitting in it, a lit cigarette glowing between her arthritic fingers.
“Headmistress Cinch,” Luna greeted, hoping the coolness of her voice wasn’t apparent.
Cinch smirked. “Luna.”
Luna gritted her teeth, hating the very sound of Cinch’s voice.
“I’m hoping that you brought a fitting champion this evening,” Cinch continued. “I was very disappointed after last month’s performance.”
Luna nodded and chimed a small bell at her side. A moment later, a masculine student with pure white skin strode forth. He looked like a modern Spartacus, with a body like Hercules and his armour made up of haphazardly thrown together football equipment. His knuckles gleamed as brass coated each.
Cinch appraised the boy and then rang her own bell. Her champion this evening was a nimble looking woman with equally white skin and soft pink hair. She wore a robe and had an ice-cold expression. Her weapon of choice was a heavy looking bow staff.
Why was it always robes and bow staves with Crystal Prep? Did Cinch have some kind of latent Sinophilia?
Luna smirked. “Bulk, if you win this fight, I promise you A’s across the board on this semester’s report card.”
Cinch snorted and looked at her champion. “Fleur, if you defeat this brute, I will ensure you win the Acorn Groves scholarship.”
Fleur bowed. “Yes, Mistress Cinch.”
“May the best principal win?” Luna said, gesturing towards her competition.
Cinch smirked and drew in a drag of her cigarette. “I intend to.”
Before Luna could retort, the Headmistress chimed her bell and the battle commenced.
Twilight, the human one, stepped into Cadance’s home office.
“Dean Cadance,” Twilight began.
Cadance smiled softly. “Twilight… neither of us are at Crystal Prep any longer and I’m married to your brother. You really don’t need to use my title, anymore.” She then nodded. “But, regardless, what can I do for you?”
Twilight nervously rubbed at her arm. “That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you. You know, you quitting from Crystal Prep? I was just wondering if…”
“If?” Cadance asked, offering an amused little smile.
“Well, you and Shining just took out a pretty big mortgage on your new home and…”
Cadance nodded. “You’re worried if we’re struggling financially?”
“Y-yeah.” Twilight offered a nervous grin. “I just… I’m here to help if you need anything, Big Sis.”
Cadance smirked. She’d love to see what type of help Twilight could possibly provide, considering the girl had never filled out a job application, let alone actually worked one. However, it was the thought that mattered.
“I wouldn’t worry about it, Twilight,” Cadance said, glancing at her computer monitor. “My side business is actually bringing in more than enough income to tide me over for the next little while.”
“Your side business?” Twilight asked, cocking a brow. “What are you doing?”
Cadance chuckled, looking through her OnlyFan analytics. “Uh… I’m a content creator.”
Celestia and Luna are well adjusted adults with conflicting views on history
“Sister!” Luna shouted triumphantly as she stormed into the palace’s dining chamber. “I have learned something truly revolutionary.”
Celestia sighed, glanced at her mug of ‘tea’, and downed it in a few mighty gulps. “This should be interesting.”
“Do you know the truth behind my banishment?” Luna asked.
Celestia nodded. “Yes, I was in fact there when it happened. If I remember correctly it was a drunken bet that you and I…”
“The real reason for my banishment,” Luna interrupted, “was not because I blocked out the sun or attempted a palace coup...”
Celestia frowned. “Well, I mean, yes, that is the bullshit story that we made up so that we wouldn’t have to admit to the public that I’m a barely functional alcoholic. But we both know that it was really…”
“That’s right,” Luna declared, continuing with her increasingly aggravating string of interruptions. “The real reason behind my banishment was over the topic of Princess’s Rights!”
Celestia deadpanned. “What?”
“You heard me, dear Sister, you banished me because you were jealous that I was trying to exercise my authority as an independent sovereign in a manner that you did not find acceptable in your carpetbagging Solarist ways.”
Celestia blinked, just staring ahead, absolutely dumbfounded. Like, was this honestly happening? Like for real?
She drew in a breath that betrayed several millennia of exhaustion. “Did you, like, crack your head on the way here…”
“This is the truth, Celestia,” Luna went on.
“…like maybe you should go to the infirmary…”
“I was talking with one of my guards,” Luna continued, “a thestral by the name of…”
“…like I really think you might have a little bit of brain damage, sister. Probably not healthy to leave that unaddressed.”
“Stonewall Lee Beauregard!” Luna slurred.
Celestia stared off into space for a few very long seconds before shaking her head in utter disbelief. “That’s not even a thestral name, Luna. Don’t they all go by ‘Night’ this or ‘Dark’ that? What type of thestral would name their kid Stonewall?”
Luna gasped. “Classic Solarist propaganda, to resort to racism in the face of a just and civilized discourse on the topic of my banishment.” She shook her head and winced as something up there was obviously in pain. “Why am I not surprised?”
Celestia sighed and fumbled for her ‘tea’ pot. At this point, she gave up on common decency and just straight up drank from the spout. If this was how her day was going to start, she was definitely going to need it.
“And did you know, sister,” Luna went on, “that they have started to rebrand our conflict as a War of Solarist Aggression?” She nodded, pointing at her sister. “Your aggression.”
Celestia chugged the rest of the pot before slamming it down, causing the lid to loudly rattle.
“Well regardless!” she huffed. “We both know the real truth is that there never was any conflict. This was all just some drunken bet that I needed to legitimize in the historical records.” She forced a very strained smile. “Now I have just drank a tea pot full of straight Neightucky Bourbon. So, unless you want to experience the product of another drunken bet, I suggest you go to the infirmary and treat that concussion you so obviously have.”
Luna gasped. “Concussion? I have no such thing, sister. This is the first time I have ever achieved utter clarity.”
She then reached up and touched her forehead, blinking in a very unfocused manner at the slight red left upon her hoof.
“Luna…” Celestia said, holding up a foreleg. “You absolutely stupid horse. I know we had a lot to drink that night, but you and I both agreed that this was a stupid drunken bet. Any narrative that the stupid mortals have created is wrong, regardless of what it states or who the villain is.”
“The Tariffs, Celestia!” Luna shouted.
Celestia frowned. “The tariffs?”
“I opened up my rebellion against you due to the oppressive nature of your tariffs on the economy of the thestrals.”
Celestia blinked and then flagged down a waiter, motioning towards her now empty tea pot.
The poor servant looked alarmed at the request, though Celestia’s utter doneness cured him of any attempts at second guessing her decision.
“Luna, what exactly do we import from the other races?” Celestia asked.
Luna frowned. “P-pardon?”
“Just… just a question, what exactly do we, Equestria, the beacon of civilization, the kingdom upon a hill, import from any of those other species. Is it coal? Iron? Timber? Manufactured goods? As far as I know, Equestria doesn’t really benefit from tariffs in the slightest, nor do any of our citizens suffer from them.”
“But, but…” Luna swallowed a lump in her throat. “When I was speaking to Stonewall...”
“Who probably heard the real truth from his grandfather, who in turn learned it from a long long line of alarmingly inbred relatives. But, yet again, I am going to ask you: do you have any brain damage, sister? Because as far as I recall your banishment was the result of a stupid drunken bet that we made during a night of binge drink.” She drew in a breath. “Which, if you don’t stop with this utter ass-ery, right this second, I will be well on my way towards replicating before lunch.”
Luna growled. “Then how do you explain the statues!”
“The statues?” Celestia asked, cocking a brow.
“The statues dedicated to the brave bats who laid down their lives to defend their homeland and Princess.”
Celestia blinked. “We have statues like that?”
Luna nodded.
“Like…” Celestia frowned. “Like we have those in… Canterlot?”
“There are several statues in Canterlot honouring the brave thestrals who sacrificed everything in order to protect themselves from Solarist aggression.”
Celestia frowned. “Well, clearly I need to take greater control of local affairs.” She sighed. “How about this, Luna; how about we make a compromise.”
“What kind of compromise?” Luna asked, slurring her words.
“I will leave those statues up and, in return, you go to the castle infirmary and treat your head wound.”
Luna sighed. “Why are you so set on believing I have brain damage? Are you afraid of the truth?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, but I am very much afraid of that trail of blood leaking down your face.”
Luna blinked and touched a hoof to her forehead again, pulling it back to examine the red that now very clearly tarnished it. “Huh…”
She then wobbled back and forth before collapsing in a heap.
And just at that moment, Celestia’s savior arrived in the form of a very handsome servant with a fresh pot of bourbon.
“Shall I summon the royal surgeon?” he asked, glancing at Luna as he placed down the pot.
Celestia sighed and topped off her cup. “I suppose that would be the best option.”
Celestia is a well-adjusted adult who is not the focus of this chapter so we'll instead return to Sunset Shimmer and the Mandate of Darkness.
Those five words meant the most to Sunset Shimmer. A declaration that her former mentor was actually impressed with her, actually happy with something that she was doing for once in her life.
It was enough to make her heart soar as she floated through her luxurious penthouse apartment, passing trophies, awards, and antiques. She glided upon this high as she made her way towards the balcony that looked out upon the city of Canterlot.
It had changed greatly under her colonial mandate. Where there had once been useless parks and opulent, though inefficient, architecture, there now stood the signs of glorious progress. There was now a sea of chimneys which blew soot into the orange hazy sky. They were connected to a rolling landscape of industry and utter efficiency that went onwards for miles around.
It was beautiful.
Tenements, workshops, and factories were the only thing that remained in Canterlot. They produced all manner of goods for the markets of Equestria. And every month their tribute to Celestia continued to grow, surely making Sunset noticed back home.
“Sunset?” a familiar voice called.
She looked over her shoulder and saw Twilight approach. Her Twilight and not the one from back home. And while she wasn’t a princess, she was still an efficient second-in-command.
“Yes, hun?” Sunset asked.
Twilight held a clipboard to her chest and offered the warmest smile she could. “You seem happy this morning.”
Sunset chuckled and motioned towards the industrial paradise outside. “I received a letter from Celestia this morning. She told me that she was impressed with the work we’ve been doing here.”
“That’s fantastic!” Twilight beamed, though her smile soon slipped. “Though there is a delicate matter to attend to today, I’m afraid.”
Sunset sighed.
Wasn’t there always?
“What is it Twilight?” Sunset asked.
Twilight drew the clipboard away from her chest and started to read it. “It would appear that a few of the factories in the south-eastern part of the city have coordinated and started a teeny tiny strike. They are questioning the uh… direction you’re taking this world in. Something about taking orders from someone in their twenties.”
Sunset shook her head. “Don’t they see the good we’re doing for Equestria?”
“I think they’re more concerned about the lack of good that you’re doing for them and their families,” Twilight responded. “And I…” Twilight visibly tensed, her hands shaking. “And I can’t say that I honestly disagree with them, babe.”
Sunset turned to face Twilight, cocking a brow. “Are you questioning my leadership, sweetheart?”
“No… not questioning it.” Twilight chuckled nervously. Poor dear looked really uncomfortable. Didn’t she know that she could be open and transparent with Sunset? “Just, you know, between the stripping of basic rights, the harsh labour conditions, impossible quotas, and the fact that Canterlot looks like Isengard from The Two Towers…”
“Oh, I loved that movie!” Sunset beamed. “Do you know if Peter Jackson is still alive?”
Twilight swallowed a lump in her throat. “I believe he was taken out when you purged the last group of intellectuals.”
Sunset winced. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight. When you use terminology like that it becomes really hard not to look like a villain. You get me?” She came over and placed a firm hand on her shoulder. “It’s all about branding, babe. I didn’t purge the intellectuals, I more…” She rolled her wrist. “I merely helped normalize the intellectual bell curve. It helps the average joe feel better about themselves. You get me?”
“Right, right, but I’m just wondering if you might be slipping back into your villainous ways?” Twilight asked, wincing. “Because no offense but…”
Sunset paused for a moment, feeling a heat try and crawled up her throat. She stifled it, however, burying it deep inside. After all, anger issues were very unbecoming of a colonial governor.
“I’m not returning to my villainous ways,” Sunset said. She stepped passed Twilight and headed towards her coffee table. “A villain doesn’t get congratulations from Celestia. And a villain definitely doesn’t keep frequent correspondence with the Princess of Friendship.”
She made it to the table and grabbed a thick folder full of letters. There must’ve been at least a whole book’s worth inside.
“See!” she chimed. “Villains don’t get this many letters from Twilight Sparkle.” She blinked, realizing what she’d said, and offered a sheepish grin. “You uh… know what I mean?”
Twilight nodded. “And have you been honest with them? Like completely and utterly honest?”
“I mean honest enough,” Sunset murmured. “I don’t bore them with every single detail that takes place. But they know that I’ve assumed complete autocratic control. Which, I mean, they’re cool with it. In Equestria, autocracy is all the rage these days. And, I mean, if Equestria does it…”
“And do they know about the police state?” Twilight asked, cocking a very accusatory brow.
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Branding Twilight. We talked about this. It’s not a police state, it’s a supervised society. Really the Pacificism Platoons only exist for the safety of my slaves.” She blinked and pursed her lips as she realized her slip up. “Labourers! I meant labourers. I… sorry… I misspoke.”
“Uh, huh…” Twilight sighed. “Are you absolutely certain that…”
“Look Twilight, while I do appreciate your concern, I don’t think it’s very necessary.” Sunset started to read the most recent letter she’d received. “This is a task I’ve received from Princess Celestia herself and I have every intention to carry it out to the best of my abilities.” She felt a single stray tear form in her eye. “She’s proud of me, Twilight… do you know what that means?”
“That she’s an expert at emotional manipulation?” Twilight murmured under her breath.
Sunset looked at her. “Pardon?”
“Nothing, nothing.” Twilight sighed. “I just… do you really think this is the route you should be going down, Shimmer?”
Sunset shook her head. “Babe, I’m reformed, you know that, right? My former teacher is proud of me, I have friends, a girlfriend, and a whole harem. I’m living my best life. I’m one of the good guys now.” She drew in a deep breath and let it out. “Anyways about these striking workers. Do we know if they have families?”
Twilight bit her lip. “Yes.”
“Then we have hostages that we can collect until they return to work and resume the flow of goods to Equestria.” Sunset waved her hand, dismissing Twilight. “Celestia wants her smartphones, porcelain, and textiles and I’ll be damned if I can’t deliver.”
“And if that doesn’t work?” Twilight asked.
Sunset shook her head. “Then find something that does. We’re the good guys, Sparky. We always win, don’t we?”
“What is this trash?” Luna grumbled, picking out a black T-shirt and inspecting it.
It was one of a dozen identical shirts in the box she had opened. A box which happened to be one of several thousand nearly identical boxes in the warehouse they were in.
Celestia shrugged as she looked at a teapot that she’d found. “I haven’t the faintest idea. But if it makes Sunset feel useful, sending these over, then so be it.”
“She sure is sending over a lot of stuff though,” Cadance commented, shaking a black brick made of glass and plastic. “What would you even build with these? They’re so flimsy.”
“I haven’t the faintest idea,” Celestia grumbled. “But at least it keeps her out of my mane and makes her complacent. And if I can keep a potential coup from blowing up in my face, then I don’t give a rat’s ass about what she’s sending over.”
“Warehouse space is expensive,” Luna commented.
Cadance hummed. “Could just dump it all in the mines?”
“See, we have options,” Celestia said, nodding towards the glowing mirror off in the distance. “Just as long as she’s happy.” She shuddered softly, dropping her voice to a whisper. “Low key but she scares the shit out of me.”
Celestia is a well adjusted adult who will ensure that things remain strictly in character
Celestia hummed as she looked up from her clipboard, her gaze narrowing as she studied Sunset Shimmer.
Sunset grinned nervously, adjusting the tie around her neck. It was a very frivolous piece of apparel, considering that she was a horse and that this was Equestria. Still it helped to dress the part when going in for a performance review.
“I hope you don’t mind if we get a little meta here, Frau Kommandant Shimmer,” Celestia said, squinting as she read the titles.
Shimmer cocked a brow. “Meta?”
Celestia nodded and placed her clipboard down. She folded her forelegs in front of herself, leaning against them. “Now I’m not one of those bosses who just likes to rag on their employees. I like to think of myself as a proactive administrator, a go getter who doesn’t just ignore problems.”
“And it’s a very admirable trait,” Sunset said, offering a nervous smile. “That’s what I respect about you so…”
“Please don’t brown-nose,” Celestia interjected.
“Right, right, no brown on this snout,” Sunset joked, laughing far too nervously. “Just getting a run of the mill performance review.”
Celestia nodded slowly and levitated over a pen. “So, I think the first thing we need to address is the fact that you’ve been acting a little bit out of character lately.”
Sunset waved her hoof into the air. “I mean, what even is in character for me?”
“Well it says here that you are supposed to act like Twilight but with additional confidence,” Celestia said. “Secondary traits include being futch, compassionate, and a top.”
“Why are two of my secondary traits related to sex?” Shimmer asked, trying her best to peer at the clipboard.
This left her with even more questions as Celestia seemed to be studying a blank piece of paper.
“Look I’m not the one who determines what type of pony that you are,” Celestia said. “I can only merely influence all the factors that determine such a thing. You just happened to have the kind of homelife that would result in this type of personality.”
“But you determined my homelife,” Sunset whispered.
Celestia shook her head. “Let’s not get into that, right this second. We have more important things to discuss.” She sighed. “So, for starters, we need you to improve a few of your administrative policies.”
“Like?” Sunset asked.
“Well, maybe you could address the death camps?” Celestia suggested, placing a random check mark upon the page. “They feel like a very good place to start.”
Sunset snorted. “Please, we call them forced friendship centres. It’s all about the branding. People don’t…”
She stopped talking when she realized that Celestia was very clearly not buying it.
“Regardless of naming, they didn’t poll especially well with our target audience.” Celestia explained as she flipped to a new, and equally blank, page on her clipboard. “Neither did the rampant brutalism, environmental degradation, or you having an emotionally abusive relationship with your Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh come on!” Sunset exclaimed. “Brutalism is like the superior form of architecture. And all those other things were…” She rolled her hoof. “Plays on how I used to be a villain and could be easily manipulated. That seems pretty in character for me.”
“While I can not deny that brutalism is superior, that style of architecture doesn’t exactly poll well when it’s associated with the baddies,” Celestia said. “I’m afraid, either all of these… deficiencies will need to be addressed or you’ll be cut from the program.”
Sunset groaned. “This sucks!”
“It is the nature of how these things work, Sunset.” Celestia flipped over to another page. “Plus, you do know that all the stuff you sent over is kind of trash, right?”
“Wait…” Sunset blinked, looking actually hurt. “You weren’t impressed with the tribute we sent over.”
“Cheap clothing and glass bricks are not exactly something that a whole lot of ponies need,” Celestia said in a matter of fact tone, holding up a plain black t-shirt and one such brick in front of Sunset.
Sunset shook her head. “Those aren’t bricks! Those are pieces of high technology. Their communication devices that can do all sorts of nifty things!”
Celestia glanced at the brick and shook it, yet nothing happened.
“You have to…” Sunset sighed and grabbed it from Celestia. “Did you even read the manuals I sent over?”
She pressed a button upon it and suddenly the glass lit up with a logo.
Celestia took it back and examined it closely. “Well that actually is… kind of nifty. Shame that we dumped them all over the Canterlot mountain side. So, they’re probably beyond…” She gasped. “Oh shit, this thing has sudoku on it! I love sudoku, Sunset!”
“I know you do,” Sunset murmured, burying her face into her hooves. “That’s why I made sure to download it on every device. Do you know how many people perished for that app?”
“And is that a camera?” Celestia beamed as she quickly swiped through the interfaces. Her wonderment quickly faded as she glanced at Sunset. “Regardless to how fucking cool this thing is, you’ll still need to cut it out with the whole shadow state government thing you got going on over there. The readers only enjoy a dictator if she’s wearing a crown.”
“Well could we try giving me a crown and see if that might improve things?” Sunset asked, offering a nervous smile. “I kind of like how…”
“I feel like most of our audience would view that as a cop out,” Celestia said. “Probably nag us about whether or not a war criminal really deserves it or not. You’re a rather divisive individual, Sunset, and we need to work on that.”
Sunset sighed. “So, I need to give up my dictatorship?”
“Yes.”
“And the death camps…” She snorted, letting out a defeated sigh. “I mean friendship centres.”
“Likely those too.”
“And the cyberpunk hellscape?” Sunset asked, pouting and ruffling her wings in irritation. “Can I at least keep that?”
“I’m afraid your Canterlot will have to undergo some significant renovations,” Celestia said.
Sunset groaned. “And the harem?”
Celestia blinked and then burst out laughing.
“I’ll take that as a yes?” Sunset grumbled.
Celestia shook her head. “No, no, keep your fucking harem. Do you know how much the audience loves when we’re nymphos? Have all the sex you want, sweetie.” Celestia sighed fondly. “It’s great for your image.”
“Well at least there’s a little bit of a silver lining,” Sunset grumbled. She looked up at Celestia. “And how exactly am I going to stop them from eating me alive when I announce that I’m reneging my position of authority?”
Celestia shrugged. “I hear apologizing is stupidly effective when it comes to fucking up.”
Sunset sighed. “Yeah I’m sure you’re right…”
It was a rainy day when Sunset took the podium. Before her were the dirty and destitute faces of the millions she had committed a major “oopsy” against.
They looked at her with nothing but scorn and utter hatred. It reminded her of high school but cranked up to eleven.
A row of armoured troopers blocked them from her, holding them back with the threat of violence alone.
Twilight stood at her side, currently the only person who knew about her master plan.
Sunset drew in a breath and taped the microphone, the feedback reverberating through the brutalist plaza.
“So, uh…” She hissed through her teeth. “I’ll admit that I kind of really fucked up with my method of governance and I may have taken things in a pretty extreme direction these last few months.” She swallowed a lump in her throat. “I apologize for the billions I enslaved, millions I killed, and the many crimes against humanity that I have committed. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me but I do hope we can have a functional relationship going forward. With that being said I have decided to step down as governor and dictator for life.” She offered a nervous smile. “So… uh… are we cool?”
The crowd immediately parted, like Moses did with the Red Sea, and suddenly a massive frame was erected in front of her.
Sunset sighed. “Ah… I uh… I see.”
It didn’t take an expert to figure out that it was a guillotine.
“Well would you look at the time,” Sunset said, forcing a nervous laugh as she glanced down at her naked wrist. “I think I have a flight to Horse Argentina that I need to catch. So, I’ll be…”
She inched away from the stage and immediately bolted in the opposite direction, screaming as she fled.
Twilight glanced at the crowd, then reflected on her own crimes committed, before quickly beating a hasty retreat with her girlfriend.
“Horse Argentina does sound romantic!” she called after her.
