With the bell ringing the end of the school day, the fillies and colts could finally taste freedom! Or at least until the next day... And without counting the homework... Well it was good enough! And yet, among the young ponies were three fillies, one of them sighing sadly despite this great moment.
"Oh come on Sweetie! Are you still thinking about what Diamond Tiara said? Just forget her!" one of the three fillies said, a pegasus with orange fur and purple mane and tail. Her wings ruffled thinking about punching a certain pink filly for making her friend sad.
"Scootaloo's right. Ya know she told that only ta hurt ya for her fun. It's better to not pay attention to her," another of the three fillies followed, a yellow furred earth pony with a red mane and tail and a pink bow tied to her mane.
The third filly, a white unicorn with a curly purple and pink mane and a similar tail, sighed again in answer before saying, "I know Apple Bloom, I know... but it's hard! It's like when she insults your family or Scootaloo's wings! Even if we know better, it's hard to let it pass when she hits a touchy subject, and you know how I am with my magic..."
"Yeah..." her two friends answered before sighing too, knowing that Sweetie was right.
"Well... at least it's temporary!" Scootaloo suddenly said, trying to raise Sweetie's morale. "I mean, you are training with the help of Twilight at Twilight Time, and you have gotten better since we started!"
"And won't you get a little boost once ya get yer Cutie Mark? Ah think Ah have heard that unicorns have better magic once they get it," Apple Bloom continued, putting a hoof under her chin at the second sentence trying to think back to when she heard this info.
"Maybe? I heard it too, but not everypony have the same opinion. Rarity was already good at using many objects at the same time, and she got her gem finding spell just before getting her Cutie Mark, and she didn't tell if she got better after getting it. Maybe I should ask her."
"Or ask Twilight, I'm sure she knows about this stuff," Scootaloo replied.
"Yes, I will ask her. But still... Even if it's true, I don't want to wait to have my Cutie Mark to get better at magic..." Sweetie said as she started to think. Scootaloo was about to propose something when the unicorn suddenly exclaimed, "I know! I will just ask Twilight if she can train me more!"
But Apple Bloom was not as excited. "I don't know Sweetie Belle. What if she's too busy? Remember she's a princess. It's already good that she helps us once a week."
But that didn't stop Sweetie Belle. "But Twilight loves to teach! Especially magic! I'm sure she will say yes! I have to go girls, bye!" she said before charging in the direction of the big crystal tree castle that was the home of the princess.
"But what about our crusading?!" Apple Bloom yelled, trying to stop Sweetie Belle, without success. Seeing that, she sighed.
"Shouldn't we follow her?" Scootaloo asked.
"No. Let's just go at the clubhouse. If Twilight refuses, she'll join us there. If not, well... let's just search ideas for our crusading. Better than nothing."
"Alright."
On that, the two remaining fillies took the direction of their clubhouse, not knowing that they won't see their friend for quite some time.
"NEXT!" BAM "NEXT!" VLAN "NEXT!"
"Sorry your majesty, there are no dummies left..."
"Then go make more! Or I will use all of you as replacement!"
"The next batch will not be ready for some time."
"I don't care! JUST HURRY!" A chorus of "Yes!" followed by a stampede happened almost immediately.
Four beings were left in the room at the end of the stampede. The first was a large penguin, or penguin-like creature that was actually breathing heavily in both tiredness and anger, swinging around a large hammer before finally putting its head on the floor. He wore a red cap with a big white ball at the top and a golden rim, and a finery of the same color, without the gold. He had tan clothes around his body with an obi with a pattern of red and yellow zigzag, and also yellow mittens covering his hands. His blue head with a yellow beak that looked like a mouth was the only body part visible alongside his yellow palmed feet. Finally, a symbol that looked like a peace sign made with his fingers was visible on the back of his finery.
He took a big breath and screamed, "Curse that Kirby! I hate him! I hate him! I! HATE! HIIIM!" before violently hitting the floor with his hammer, making the whole room quake. The three other beings in the room with him lost their balance and fell on their face or on their back as a consequence. They all had a rounded body, two of them were identical to each other while the third had more unique features. The two that could pass for twins possessed pear-shaped tan faces surrounded by orange close to red with tubby arms of the same color. Their feet also were a lighter orange. The third being looked like the other two, but didn't have the same pear-shaped face. His round body was entirely of the same orange-red as the other two, and his feet were the same light orange. The main difference was that this one only possessed one big round eye with two strands of hair above it. A particularity of these three beings was that they didn't seem to possess a mouth.
They were on what was actually a boxing ring with the penguin's symbol at the center of it. Around the ring were stands, all empty, and above it were spotlights to illuminate it. Crushed pink dummy parts were littering the ring, and some were even on the floor beyond the edge.
"M-m-my king... I propose that... Well... Maybe we should go elsewhere while we wait. You have been destroying these dummies for hours," one of the first two creatures proposed shyly.
He was answered by the penguin turning his look full of promising doom toward him, making him suddenly go up before running toward the opposite corner of the ring in hope of escaping say doom.
Lucky for him, the penguin took another breath before letting his hammer rest on his right shoulder. "You are right. There is nothing more I can do here. Beside, I'm hungry. But once the next batch is ready, I'm returning here, YOU HEAR?"
"O-of course, my king!"
"I will warn the cooks to start preparing your meal, your majesty!" the cyclops creature then said before saluting, jumping above the edge of the ring, and exiting the room.
The king watched him go before pointing at one of the two creatures left, the one that hadn't talked yet. "You! Follow him and tell the cooks to bring my meal in the Throne Room! That is where I will wait." The creature saluted him before exiting the room. He then looked at the remaining one. "As for you, just follow me." he said before he walked toward the exit too, followed by the creature.
They just had to cross an hallway full of portraits and busts of the penguin with dozens of the same creatures either cleaning or guarding it. A carpet of the same red as his finery covered the floor almost entirely and his symbol appeared almost everywhere alongside red golden rimmed banners. After it, they reached the Throne Room where the same red carpet continued toward the throne itself, also red with golden rim like his cap, with a blue symbol at the top. The carpet ended in a hexagon at the foot of the throne, with yet again the symbol at the center, this time blue in an orange circle. The floor itself was patterned like a checkerboard in white and yellow. Windows with different geometrical forms were on the left grey wall, where a tower of the castle was visible outside. Grey columns were present between each windows and the same banners were present at the ceiling. Finally, a blue curtain was at the left, toward the throne, to cover all the left wall to hide the sunlight when needed.
Once the king was seated on his throne, the creature at his right, he started thinking about what happened a few days ago, the event that was making him SO angry! He wanted to prove to all the kingdom that he was the rightful king! For that, he sent his army to take all the foods, because as the king, he deserved that! But then... BUT THEN! That pink puffball! He appeared from nowhere and assaulted his castle, and even had the gall to send him flying through the roof of his castle! And then, he turned into a giant balloon and took his castle through all Dream Land to give back all HIS food! It took him and his army days to rebuild the castle at its rightful place at the top of the mountain, and it had been an absolute pain! Since then, he had been training nonstop, slaughtering hundred of dummies built like that pink pest to vent his anger while thinking of a plan to get his revenge.
"I will make him pay! I swear it!" he said while slamming his left arm on his throne.
That was when the doors of the Throne Room opened to let enter a few of the creatures wearing cook hats while they pulled a white covered table full of food on it. Meat, fruits, and at the center, a big cake that was only waiting to be devoured.
"Ah! Finally!" he said happily while putting a napkin to protect his clothes from what was going to be a messy dinner, like each time the king ate, to the despair of the cleaning crew.
Too bad for them, this dinner will be far messier than the previous times...
Unknowingly to everyone, a purple light appeared near the ceiling. It remained a few seconds, growing a little bigger, before suddenly disappearing with an almost inaudible pop. It was only when everyone started hearing a high pitched scream that they looked toward the ceiling, only for something to violently hit the cake which exploded, spreading it everywhere on the food, the creatures, and the king. Especially the king's face...
"Oh! Come On!"
Of course it had to happen! Of course! Of all the times, she had to reach Twilight in the middle of one of her magical experiments! What were the chances it would happen? She is normally reading! Well hopefully, she hadn't gotten teleported too far. Actually, if she was to trust her smell and her taste, she was teleported at Sugarcube Corner and fell on a cake. She will have to apologise to Pinkie and the Cakes, even if it wasn't her fault. At least it tasted good! Was this strawberry?
Quickly, she took the cake off her eyes to have a better look at her surroundings, only to freeze at seeing that no, she had NOT appeared at the bakery, if the angry look she was getting from this penguin whose face was full of the remains of the cake was proof enough...
"Oh boy..."
I like
god, i hope the later chapters improve in quality
it's not a bad start, but the spaces before the punctuation are aggravating, you made applebloom sound too goddamn eloquent, and you spelled several words wrong in the Dedede segment.
9627756
The space before the punctuations have an easy explanation : you see, I'm French, and in French, we put spaces before the double punctuations like the exclamation points. It's only recently that I learned that there are no spaces in English.
For Apple Bloom. I wasn't sure. I'm still learning to write her and Applejack.
As for the errors, I will reread (again).
One day, I will edit the past chapters to try to improve them with my new experience.
And thus begins my FIRST reread.
9627902
I have one criticism (that has nothing to do with your translation from French to English). In books, while it is nice to get a bit of description, the reader does not need to get exact detail, especially on the first appearance of characters. The description itself also needs to relate to what is happening in the scene.
Think of it this way. To a reader's mind, time is moving constantly in the world they are reading about. It doesn't just pause to catch all the detail, like a painting. If the scene is quiet or serene, then more effort can be placed on describing the environment. And for characters, use what they are currently doing to set up how they look. Don't just list attributes.
Like, the way you used King Dedede swinging his hammer to let the readers know he had one? Perfect. The simple description of a penguin-like entity? Also good. But lists of attributes after that? Less so. You could have said something like "The finery he was wearing clearly marked him as a king." And for the symbol, you could have him turn around to do... something, and described the symbol on his back then. (And personally, I think the hand sign allegory works better if you describe it as the "v for victory" symbol rather than the peace symbol.)
Most importantly, if you can't find a way to integrate something you are describing, especially in a scene with a lot of action or tension, simply... don't describe it. You can always describe more later as it becomes relevant to the story.
The main reason for all this, is that you want to give a reader a good image of the scene, but you don't want the reader to be taken out of the scene in order to study it. Readers want to be immersed in a story, and this style of description isn't good for that.
9773363
Thank you for your help. Those advices will be really helpful. I will first finish this story before editing the chapters to improve them, but at least, this should improve the quality of the future chapters.
Sweetie belle vs. Dedede!!!
Well she wants to get better at magic
Love this story. This is my second time reading it
Second re-read
second re-read!
I just started rereading your story, and I found some instances where you put a space before exclamation points. You might want to change them to make it easier for your English readers.
I found two misspelled words in this sentence, and I made them bold so you could easily find and fix them.
10520143
Thanks. I corrected everything, and I think I got all the spaces.
Interesting...
If you still have trouble with southern accents, I can help with that. I'm actually from southern USA. Most important thing to remember is that southern accents are all about talking fast, which is why you don't fully pronounce words.
11010354
I wouldn't mind the help. I think that I'm getting a bit better at writing it, but I know that I'm still far from good, and I still have doubts when I write it.
If this was written in English then bravo on a job well done despite it being your second language.
11013411
Thanks! I know that I'm not perfect, but I'm doing my best.
"Inspired by Tatsuro" you say? Well, he happens to be one of my favorite authors on this site, and the synopsis was well-written, so I'm expecting great things here!
11481798
Thanks! This story needs some rewriting, being the first one that I wrote in English, but I hope that you will like it despite this. I still try to correct all the errors and to improve stuff whenever I reread it.
Oh bien un fanfic de mlp y kirby, parece que estan al final del primer juego, entonces empezara ya la historia de nightmare.
Cuando rarity se entere de lo que le paso a su hermanita, va matar a twilight XD