This story takes place after Twilight became a princess but "Magic Duel" never happened so please don't yell at me for not including it.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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An interesting start but maybe a little less exposition would make it flow better for the reader?
Typically the numbers are spelled out rather than just typing the number itself out, if you get what I mean. This is just a nitpick though, it's not really required.
I wouldn't use the word "want" instead of "need", though that's mostly because I wouldn't just let anyone stay at my house as long as they wanted. Again I suppose it's a nitpick.
I'll give this a chance if you continue this, and it's not too bad grammar wise, certainly seen much worse.
9443647
I definitely plan to continue this story. I already have 1,700ish words for chapter typed out
And as for your nitpicks i'll go ahead and fix the numbers.
9443647
I've went through and fixed one of your nitpicks. as well as fixing an error i found when i forgot to type a word.
9443846
Alrighty, I look forward to seeing this continued then as long as whatever fetishes included aren't too extreme for me.
Aside from some minor spelling errors, of which I am going to ignore as I have no room to speak there, this is rather good and I'll be tracking it.
9444733
Oh my gosh a compliment thank you!!! note: this isn't sarcasm at all I really appreciate that you like my first fanfiction
9444798
Please Make More I Love This Story So Much I Must Have More.
9446434
I'm glade to hear that you love this story! I'm currently working on chapter 3. i have 1,957 words done.
A few first timer mistakes, but over all you have the elements of a good story here. Bold to take on a multiple chaptered story for your first one. That being the case, my number one piece of advice would be to slow down. If this is going to be a long story then you can indulge in more detail and subtility.
My biggest thing, and this comes with one big clarification, you have a problem with tenses. You use present tense a lot as if you are doing it from a specific ponies perspective. Earliest example I see is, "...she make her way to the shipping district...", possibly should be, "...she made her way to the shipping district...". Now to clarify, I noticed this probably because I use the sites text to speech function and stuff like that is more noticable when you hear it. Read, it's probably fine and I'm not even sure if it would be considered incorrect if a real writer we to critique it.
BTW, the text to speech function also makes editing easy. I can let you know how to use it if you'd like.
Like others have said, there are a few grammar errors scattered all through this. Verb and tense disagreements mostly, though there are lower case i's when they should be capitalised, sometimes alicorn is capitalised, sometimes it isn't.
You need an editor, or at the very least Microsoft word. That'll catch most of the mistakes.
Like another reader has said, slow down. Details, explain and make us feel them.
9466894
Well, he's got an editor now. So he shouldn't have that problem going forward.
Ow my heart... Ouch my other heart... AHH my other other heart. Will you please stop stabbing my hearts with feelings they aren't easy to replace you know.
9479629
I'm glad I was ale to make you feel emotion, I really love this story and put my best effort into it! I just posted chapter thirteen so you better catch up :twilightsmie: I hope you dont mind sharing your feedback again! Also you got yourself a new follower, friend /)
I really love the first chapter! You did so wonderfully with this 1st chapter of this amazing story! Now I'll continue to read the rest of this wonderful story!
9480907
it looks so good because My friend who offered to be my editor/beta guy was able to get to this chapter. It's the only one out of the earliest chapters that he was able to get to due to my frequent uploading. I apologize for the drop in quality till around chapter nineish
9480907
And thank you for adding my story to your favorites
My heart! Who wouldn't want to help Trixie? She's great
9737845
Thanks for reading! I hope you like it!
Although not noticing the wings screams laziness, I really like your style, and the direction your story is going. Though if there was one nitpick I could mention it would be that Trixie seems to abandon her pride fairly quickly. But being hungry and homeless would do that, so its not exactly a big deal, though a small nod to her former egotistical self would have been nice.
I'm intrigued on where you go with this. Also, I think the title is good. Its eye catching and interesting.
I'd offer more critique, but it seems like its all been said before, mainly use an editor, or software, and slow down that is.
9762146
Oh my god!
The amazing Jest has commented on MY story. I feel like I've made it big time now Let me tell you to keep working on 'In Service Of Mistress Moon' I REALLY liked where that was going.
I love this story the same amount as the hypnotic rainbow story this is my second time reading this but all I have to say is keep up the great work
10088595
Awwwwwwwwww! Thank you!
usually I hate pre reform trixie but what happened to her in this story i feel bad
11269578
Yeah...
11269601
............ so the trixie from my au acts like sonic the hedgehog and has his abilities too
and the chaos emeralds exists awell