- Member Since 30th Jan, 2019
- offline last seen January 6th
Ablegabriel
If I cold begin to be half of what you think of me I could do about anything I could even learn how to love like you.
Ablegabriel
Joined 30th Jan, 2019 ·
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An interesting start but maybe a little less exposition would make it flow better for the reader?
Typically the numbers are spelled out rather than just typing the number itself out, if you get what I mean. This is just a nitpick though, it's not really required.
I wouldn't use the word "want" instead of "need", though that's mostly because I wouldn't just let anyone stay at my house as long as they wanted. Again I suppose it's a nitpick.
I'll give this a chance if you continue this, and it's not too bad grammar wise, certainly seen much worse.
9443647
I definitely plan to continue this story. I already have 1,700ish words for chapter typed out
And as for your nitpicks i'll go ahead and fix the numbers.
9443647
I've went through and fixed one of your nitpicks. as well as fixing an error i found when i forgot to type a word.
9443846
Alrighty, I look forward to seeing this continued then as long as whatever fetishes included aren't too extreme for me.
Kinda like how Starlight is repeatedly described as "the OP unicorn"
besides, Trixie has hardly been 'Great' or 'Powerful' lately." should be: Besides, Trixie has hardly been 'Great' or 'Powerful' lately." It's a small but annoying problem I noticed. Anyway, I'm a bit too lazy to go through and find more mistakes.
I know you already addressed this at the end of the chapter, but rushing a story to get to the point can really break immersion, and you miss opportunities to improve world building and make the characters more relatable or likable. It probably doesn't matter all that much if this is just being made for the sake of porn, but it's something to think about if you want to get more serious about this later on.
9444189
I'm going to expand the world when i think of ways to do it. I plan to make this a good story but this is my first so I'm kind of a newbie. I'm not making lemon chapters for awhile. I have some ideas for world building but I have to find a good way to incorporate them.
9444306
Alrighty then, good luck with it
9444322
Right now however, Im stuck on the god damn chapter title
I would like to make just one piece of constructive criticism. I get the story your telling and I'm really curious to see where it's going. But in your haste to get the chapters out, are you proofreading your own story before you post?
I just feel that you're overwriting your descriptions a little. With practice comes experience, so keep working on it.
9444365
I didnt for the first two chapters because of the situation I was put in when I was writing them. But I'll be putting a lot more effort in the chapters afterward now that I can focus more on this than tests at school.
9444161
What can i say? I like Starlight alot
Aside from some minor spelling errors, of which I am going to ignore as I have no room to speak there, this is rather good and I'll be tracking it.
9444733
note: this isn't sarcasm at all I really appreciate that you like my first fanfiction
Oh my gosh a compliment thank you!!!
9444798
Please Make More I Love This Story So Much I Must Have More.
9446434
I'm currently working on chapter 3. i have 1,957 words done.
I'm glade to hear that you love this story!
A few first timer mistakes, but over all you have the elements of a good story here. Bold to take on a multiple chaptered story for your first one. That being the case, my number one piece of advice would be to slow down. If this is going to be a long story then you can indulge in more detail and subtility.
My biggest thing, and this comes with one big clarification, you have a problem with tenses. You use present tense a lot as if you are doing it from a specific ponies perspective. Earliest example I see is, "...she make her way to the shipping district...", possibly should be, "...she made her way to the shipping district...". Now to clarify, I noticed this probably because I use the sites text to speech function and stuff like that is more noticable when you hear it. Read, it's probably fine and I'm not even sure if it would be considered incorrect if a real writer we to critique it.
BTW, the text to speech function also makes editing easy. I can let you know how to use it if you'd like.
You mentioned Trixie being out of character in your notes, but actually you've managed to intrigue me somewhat. I'll admit that this genre is not in my wheelhouse, so the whole master/pet dynamic is going to be over my head, but I actually got an interesting vibe out of this. Not sure if it's the intention, but this... Let's say, archetype of Trixie could be in some ways congruent with her canon personality. I see Trixie as a pony who does not do things by half measures, so to if she found herself feeling... Indebted, in such a way, then her natural reaction would be to treat her "savior" with such reverence. Not necessarily the path you seem to be taking here, but the idea comes through in your writing.
Honestly, now that idea is going to be kicking around in my head for a while. If something comes of it I might end up needing to ask you for permission to use your intro in a story of my own.
9444306
World building is overrated. We already have a well imagined world by nature of a fanfic. What this chapter did need a little more of was character building. A little more detail of how each character was reacting to each other and it's perfect. During the bathing scene I kept thinking it would have helped if you'd mentioned Twilights expressions and how they might be making Trixie either more or less comfortable with the situation. Just little things like that. I'll shut up now
9446895
I'll try to keep this in mind
9446888
I'm happy that you like this to point of wanting to use it in your own story. The fact that so many people seem to like my first story for many different reasons really makes me hopeful for the future!
this was great, it's always nice to see a new Twixie story and while I agree with some of the other comments that these first two chapters could use a bit of a proofread the story itself has been a lot of fun and I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
As for your comment about Trixie being OOC, I don't think she's actually is that out of character. After several months of failure and hunger it's not surprising she's lost of her self confidence, and
seems to suggest her signature attitude is still there and ready to surface once she has a chance to get a bit of her confidence back. Even her eagerness to become Twilight's servant or pet fits, in a way. While I'm sure gratitude, combined with some level of attraction, was the main reason for her to want to take the role, I can't imagine that somewhere deep down, possibly below the conscious level, there's not a part of Trixie wearing that smug grin of hers, after all
as that makes clear she's not just some random pet, she's the pet of one of the three most powerful ponies in Equestria. I could easily see a future where Trixie treats everypony other than Twilight with that wonderfully arrogant attitude of hers, feeling the she, the Great and Powerful Trixie, is the chosen of a princess and at the right hoof of power, and therefor far above all those other plebeians she's surrounded by.
Also, I was wondering, you said you wrote this because of Of Maids and Mistresses and another Trixie story on FF.net. I was wondering what that other story was called? I love Trixie stories and it's always nice to find a good one I havn't read yet.
9447681
It was " The Great and Miserable Trixie" by TheGoldenYoshichu and thanks for the feedback and the favorite
I really loved that Chapter and can't wait until the next one.
9448108
👍
That waiter made a really stupid mistake and apparently the mob outside the castle just made the same one. They messed with Trixie. I cannot wait for the next chapter to see how Twilight reacts.
OK, I have been coming through here trying to find the references, but I guess that they are to something I don't know of or don't remember.
I'm bad at this game.
Twilight is gonna be soooo pissed....
Love the story so far!
9448732
Filled with determination
9448741
Funny you should say that.... Twilight Is Pissed is literally the name of the next chapter.
9448766
ah, I never played the game myself but I know the reference
ok, remember I'm trying to be constructive here. I don't think Starlight is typically so aggressive to the people of Ponyville. And while they may hate Trixie, I can't imagine any of them would mess with her food, although they might short change her a bit.
The only other thing that struck me as odd was that Starlight did not even bat an eyelid at seeing Trixie's collar. That seems somewhat unusual of a lack of a reaction even if Starlight has no problem with Twilight and Trixie having that kind of relationship.
this was a good chapter, it's nice to see Starlight standing up for Trixie, and while I'd normally complain about unicorns not being able to teleport that far, OP unicorn certainly is OP so I guess it possible, though I'll be somewhat surprised if she can even stay upright after casting a spell like that.
9448984
I agree with you about the food bit, I could easily believe that the cook might have spit on the burger and possibly used a stale bun and the oldest hay they had but Mold and rat poison just seem a bit over the top. The rest however, I can easily see Starlight having a very sore point when it comes to ponies not giving other ponies a chance to show that they've changed, though of course in Trixie's case it's more a matter of having misunderstood her in the first place, so her reaction to the waiters initial rudeness is mostly understandable, especially if, as i'm guessing, Twilight told Starlight to look after Trixie. And later, the waiter had just tried to literally poison Trixie so, when combined with the former two points, it doesn't seem that surprising that things got violent. As for Starlight's reaction to the collar, the note Twilight left Trixie said she'd talked to Starlight, so I assume starlight knew all about it before she saw Trixie.
That was a really good chapter and I absolutely loved it. Although you will have people saying that Twilight was acting out of character when she yelled at the mob but that's because they are comparing it to the show Twilight but this is definitely in character for Twilight's counterpart self in the IWD comics and I can't wait to see more from you and as I said people will complain about Twilight but don't change how your writing her because you're doing a Really Good Job.
Thanks, man I appreciate your feedback. /)
This felt like a slightly smoother read than previous chapters. Although I'm not sure where the plot is going.
That being said, I don't know the IWD comics, but Twilight is no more out of character than any of the characters so far, so it's not really anything to comment on. It's just who the characters are in this story.
9452684
Thank you for noticing! I tried really hard with this chapter!
9452684
I did it to prove that exact point and was trying to say that you shouldn't change how you write the characters because of what people say. This is Ablegabriel first story and I am just trying to say that there will be people who don't like how the characters act but you should just be yourself when that happens. The stories you write are your stories and that can never change.
9452837
Thanks man!
9452837 Somewhere on my hard drive I've still got some old fic writing about 14+ years ago when I was in my late teens-early 20's. I've always wanted to go back and clean the writing up. I've just never had the courage to go back and face that mess. But even if I did, I don't think I could ever change the story, just the wording. It was my story that I wanted to tell at the time.
So I fully get what you're saying, I never really did much writing after that until recently really. But I've learned a fair number of lessons since then. That's why I try to make helpful criticisms having been there at the beginning once, and I'm seeing small things. Such as "hastefully" at the end of chapter 4 when it should be "hastily". It's those small things that make the difference between a mediocre read and a really fascinating read.
If I was some form of an examiner, I would not give this story much credit, but because the premise is interesting and as a fellow fic writer I can see the potential in this story, that's why I'm still reading. Sexually explicit is not my forte but most writers could benefit from re-reading or getting a proof-reader on their story to help them see the small things they miss.
So before this reply back becomes a short essay. Definitely keep writing your own story but also remember to proof-read it. That way you can turn a good story into a great read.
I Originally planned to write a scene where Trixie told Twilight that she planned on killing herself before she had found her, which is why I had the suicide tag, but I couldn't find a way to write this in the story without it seeming tacked on. I also have been getting more and more ideas for the story that would qualify it as an Alternate Universe, so I took of the Suicide tag and put the Alternate Universe tag on,
One Idea I may or may not end up adding in is that Sunburst never existed and that Starlight's best foalhood friend was Sunset, but I won't do that If you guys don't want me to. Let me know which you would prefer by either responding to this comment or PMing me.
This was a fun chapter, it’s always nice to seen Twilight being protective of those she cares about. Seeing Trixie actually shout at Cadance was also nice, it shows that while she may not be up to being her normal, utterly self-confident self, all the time yet, she still has it in her and it already seems to be surfacing on a daily basis. I had kind of hoped to see Shining Armor, watching him try to keep his head from exploding when his mental image of his sweet innocent little sister ran into Mistress Twilight and her collared pet mare would have been fun, but maybe well get to see that later. As for Twilight going to Celestia, at first I thought it seemed a bit surprising, she cares about Celestia’s opinion so much and it seems like it would be very much in her nature to worry that Celestia might disapprove or be disappointed in her because of the nature of her relationship with Trixie. But then it hit me, that’s what makes it so sweet, her determination to keep Trixie safe completely overrode her normal anxieties and fears. Still, I think my favorite part of the chapter was how the two of them kept reassuring and calming each other with pats and nuzzles, it was just wonderfully sweet. Oh, and nuzzles are like hugs, it’s impossible to have too many of either. Also, one thing that did occur to me when Twilight was thanking the six who were there to keep Trixie safe was that Trixie probably would have been fine even if starlight hadn’t been there. In fact, I almost wish we had gotten the chance to see how one of Celestia’s elite anti-monster agents deals with an angry mob. Oh, and Celestia's complete lack of reaction the the type of relationship Twilight and Trixie share makes me wonder if this is one of those realities where, in addition to the night itself, Luna is also princess of all those fun things that happen at night.
9454451
I hope you do end up using this idea, sunset's a lot more fun to read about than Sunburst.
9454451
That would be a great idea and a great way to mix things up a bit more.
Nice. Good to see Twilight cut Trixie off after she said plaything and reassure her that while she might enjoy emphasizing her ownership over Trixie, she also values her as a pony in her own right. As for the citrusy elements of the chapter, the resulting rumors certainly aren't going to help dispel the suggestion that Trixie is a corrupting influence. Also, even if it's not exactly an original idea, the whole Trixie sucking Twilight while she sat in her throne and held court strongly reminded me of another story, one that had a chapter where Twilight was doing exactly the same thing Trixie was in this chapter. Oh, and if you still want to work the fact that Trixie was thinking about killing herself into the story, it shouldn't be to hard to find a way to work it in a few chapters down the road. Starlight has already suggested there may be problems with the rest of the mane six, Twilight having a fight with one of the three who challenged her might make Trixie think about that challenge and all the bad things that came after that, an when Twilight comforts her distressed pet, it all comes out. Or perhaps a show pony or theater manager, one who refused to help Trixie get her act back on it's feet after she lost everything, comes and petitions Twilight for the right to perform or set up a theater in Ponyville, and seeing them again brings back those same memories.
S&M isn't my thing, so I'm not going to read yours, but wasn't that other one the one where twilight accidentally brainwashes trixie into a legit slave, and herself into a giant douchebag? Not magically, I mean. Then their friends notice and have an intervention?
9455110
I may end up doing that now, but I wont have to put the Suicide tag back, will I? I kind of need The Alternate Universe tag, and I can't add another tag or else the story says to many tags
9455326
Yes, but I said inspired. Not a copy of