This story takes place after Twilight became a princess but "Magic Duel" never happened so please don't yell at me for not including it.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I really loved that Chapter and can't wait until the next one.
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👍
That waiter made a really stupid mistake and apparently the mob outside the castle just made the same one. They messed with Trixie. I cannot wait for the next chapter to see how Twilight reacts.
OK, I have been coming through here trying to find the references, but I guess that they are to something I don't know of or don't remember.
I'm bad at this game.
Twilight is gonna be soooo pissed....
Love the story so far!
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Filled with determination
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Funny you should say that.... Twilight Is Pissed is literally the name of the next chapter.
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ah, I never played the game myself but I know the reference
ok, remember I'm trying to be constructive here. I don't think Starlight is typically so aggressive to the people of Ponyville. And while they may hate Trixie, I can't imagine any of them would mess with her food, although they might short change her a bit.
The only other thing that struck me as odd was that Starlight did not even bat an eyelid at seeing Trixie's collar. That seems somewhat unusual of a lack of a reaction even if Starlight has no problem with Twilight and Trixie having that kind of relationship.
this was a good chapter, it's nice to see Starlight standing up for Trixie, and while I'd normally complain about unicorns not being able to teleport that far, OP unicorn certainly is OP so I guess it possible, though I'll be somewhat surprised if she can even stay upright after casting a spell like that.
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I agree with you about the food bit, I could easily believe that the cook might have spit on the burger and possibly used a stale bun and the oldest hay they had but Mold and rat poison just seem a bit over the top. The rest however, I can easily see Starlight having a very sore point when it comes to ponies not giving other ponies a chance to show that they've changed, though of course in Trixie's case it's more a matter of having misunderstood her in the first place, so her reaction to the waiters initial rudeness is mostly understandable, especially if, as i'm guessing, Twilight told Starlight to look after Trixie. And later, the waiter had just tried to literally poison Trixie so, when combined with the former two points, it doesn't seem that surprising that things got violent. As for Starlight's reaction to the collar, the note Twilight left Trixie said she'd talked to Starlight, so I assume starlight knew all about it before she saw Trixie.
Even assuming anyone in Ponyville would hate Trixie that much, they certainly wouldn't try to poison and kill her.
As much as I hate Starlight Glimmer, and boy, do I really hate her, I cannot see her ranting and swearing this much. Op is one thing, OOC is another.
I'm not inspired, having seen the first three chapters, to read any more. The mistakes are being repeated, and I dread to think how much you butcher a BDSM scene.
9466937
Well ok then first of all Alternate universe is tagged for a reason and Its FANfiction my first one at that. If you don't like it you don't have to read it.
TLDR/Summing up I really want to like the story but I am finding it very hard to read which is significantly hindering my enjoyment. I really feel like it could use a Beta to smooth out the issues with flow and other such things.
Extra information to elaborate on my thoughts I hope.
I am not sure how I feel with this story on one hand I like the premise, but on the other hand the writing itself is making it difficult to read. I will say I suck at writing so I can't really give any advice on how to improve just try to point out what I am finding is making it hard to read.
The biggest issue for me is the lack of flow in the story, things seem to happen in a very choppy manner, with scenes starting and stopping very quickly.
Second is the use of things like "*burp*", "*chuckles*" etc in a characters dialogue to me I feel that chuckling or burping should be described before the character speaks,
Third there seems to be some cases of telling and not showing, which along with the previously mentioned *burp* and *chuckles* makes me feel like I am reading a script and not a story the most obvious example is
Fourth the large section of the text that is in bold personally I would only have the dialogue where Starlight is angry/yelling in bold. Which is done for the rest of text in this chapter, which makes me think this is in error.
Fifth the characters seem off not because they are out of character, but because I can't see why these characters act this way. One example being the townsfolk going from insulting her to trying to poison her, after Starlight already threatened them and none of them noticing the collar.
Other complaints I have are minor in nature such as constantly referring to Starlight as OP unicorn which while is kinda funny as a meme feels off in a story where we know the characters name.
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I've gotten a beta recently. I've been making chapters so frequently he hasn't been able to really work on the earlier chapters aside from chapter one. Every chapter from around chapter nine i think he has edited before I posted them. Also I'll fix the bold issue as it is most definitely an error. And as for Starlight being referred to as The OP Unicorn, 1. I sorta view it as a title not meme because it's true. 2. It would get bland and boring after awhile only referring to her as "Starlight" or "Her". I haven't called her The OP Unicorn in most of my recent chapters and I will refrain from doing so again if you think it truly is a hindrance to the story. I hope you don't move away from the story for the bad writing at first. It's my first one after all.
9466937
Really? Do you have to be that hard on her? This is her first story! So please stop being this rude to her! I'm not trying to be mean to you or starting a fight with you. I love this story and IT'S in my Favorite box on my user page! Treat her with respect, Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Plus this is fanfiction so she can change the character's personality in this wonderful, really good story!
Annnddd I can't read anymore the first chapter was nice and fluffy but the whole way Twilight gave Trixie the collar felt Hollow and just a "oh hey this happened" moment and every time anyone says mentions "The Op Unicorn" when referring to anyone not just Starlight I just groan and lay my head down for a bit, BUT I could look all past of it, the thing that made me decidedly stop ready was this half hammed attempt to make everyone in Ponyville seem like an utter Asshat towards her, while I understand animosity this is just too much and over blown the same goes for Starlight that and her reaction,and regarding the whole Showdown fiasco between Trixie and the 3 make me just want to slap someones head straight, while Trixie is not my favorite and I know this is AU it always always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when they try to make AJ, RD and Rarity look like the ones at fault, Trixie gave an open challenge and they stepped forward and showed put up a nice show with what they do best (In RDs case yeah she was a showoff but she was just responding to the Challenge Equally) but instead of besting them with a better display than them she goes out of her way to humiliate them unnecessarily. It's not Bad per say but I just can't push myself to read anymore.
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I'm sorry to hear that! It gets better as the story goes on but If you don't want to read that's fine I won't beg one person to come and read my story if they don't want to. I appreciate you not being a rude jackass like Dusk was about it, though! And as for the OP unicorn thing, I seem to be getting mixed reactions for that.
I hope that waiter gets fired. I wanna see him get chewed out by his boss
I can yawn on command so I yawn when I read this every time
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XD
10111503
I'm so glad you like my story so much that you keep rereading it! I'm working on this story, I promise, but It's not as high on the list of priorities as school and other stories i am doing, but it's not the lowest on the list either. I vow to get at least the next chapter up before March ends.
if you thought starlight was bad when she was pissed just wait until twilight gets hold of him this whole entire town is going to be one big ass smoking crater
Time to bring in the angry twilight
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>:3
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I have an au trixie where she's got some bad time abilities like a certain pun loving skeleton so if she would to appear in this universe the bad residents of ponyvile will have a bad time