• Published 11th Jan 2018
  • 4,357 Views, 290 Comments

The 4000 Year Old Virgin - Harmlesskitten13



4000 years isn't too old to still be a virgin...right?

  • ...
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Chapter 1

"Changeling culture is one shrouded in mystery and secrecy. The few reluctant outsiders that have managed to view it and live to tell the tale speak of a civilization built upon warrior customs and a strict hierarchy: the weak are controlled by the strong, and acts of dissent and disloyalty are dealt with swiftly and harshly. Traditional wisdom taught us that the culture is not unlike that of the changeling's body itself - a near impenetrable shell that, if pierced, only opens to poison. However, is this true? One would be hard-pressed to find a willing volunteer to study such a violent and unrelenting species, yet those that have chosen to do so with an open mind have walked away with invaluable information, and have found themselves questioning this long-held belief." - The Rise of the Changeling Queendom, Vol. I by Works Cited


At the foot of the MacIntosh Mountains lies a grove of brambles. Not just any brambles, mind you, but some of the thorniest, stickiest, most painful brambles one could ever find. It is said that only the toughest creatures with the thickest hides could even walk near it without being torn to ribbons. Attempting to chop through it would usually leave axes dull and saws broken. On the rare occasion that one did manage to slice through a prickly vine, two new vines would grow from the open wound. This caused the few locals that lived near it to call it "Hydra's Hair."

In short, it was the best spot to place an entrance to a changeling hive. Outside it stood two changeling sentries. One of them, Lambda-2981, sniffed the air. A Queen was approaching, but from where? He scanned to his left. No movement. No movement, but the scent was certainly there.

"Tau-8859, do you smell that?" he asked the sentry to his right.

"Yes, sir, I do. I can smell that, as well as...manticore spit?" Lambda-2981 frowned. Manticore spit? His brother had always had one of the best noses in the Queendom, but why would he also smell manticore spit in addition to a Queen's scent? It made no sense.

"Tau-8859, are you sure?" he questioned, cocking an eyebrow.

"I am positive, sir. I can detect the strong scents of both a Queen's pheromones and the saliva of a manticore nearby, roughly...thirty meters to the south-southwest. Moving towards us. Fast." the sentry replied, nodding in the same direction. Lambda-2981 squinted, trying to find the tiniest hint of movement, anything that would betray a hidden interloper. Suddenly, his ear twitched. There it was: a sound, quiet at first, but increasing in volume with every passing second. Was that ...screaming?

"WOULD YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERKS GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME?!" came a less-than-regal voice, followed by a deafening roar. The two sentries took a defensive stance, readying their spears in preparation to fight the expected beast. Sure enough, a changeling Queen came crashing though the brambles moments later, with an angry manticore barely a hair's width behind. Lambda-2981 charged left around the prone Queen, with his brother charging right. One jabbed high, the other low. The creature twisted and contorted to avoid the attacks, but only succeeded in escaping one of the sharpened tips. A high-pitched howl escaped from its lips, and the beast jumped back towards the thorny grove. Before fleeing however, it turned its head to give a mighty bellow, only to start choking. Both sentries prepared another charge to finish their Queen's attacker, but stopped as the manticore vomited. It shook its head, and jumped back into the brambles.

Satisfied that the area was safe again, the two sentries turned to the royalty that had so un-royally arrived. "My Queen! Are you alright?!" asked Tau-8859. The cowering Queen uncovered her eyes, looked around, and jolted up.

"Yes! Of course I'm alri-wait. WAIT. WHERE'S MY CROWN?! SERIOUSLY, WHERE'S MY FRICKEN' CROWN?! I NEED IT!" Chrysalis shouted, her head whipping back and forth in an effort to find the missing headwear.

"Um...my Queen? I think I found it..." Lambda-2981 offered as he kicked an object in the manticore's discharge.

A grimacing Chrysalis picked it up in her magic and shook it off. "Ugh...it's going to take forever to wash the smell out..." Perching it atop her head with a huff, she turned to her saviors. "I am Queen Chrysalis of the Badlands Hive, and I require an audience with the Queen of Queens."

"Yes, my Queen. She is expecting you in the royal tea room." Tau-8859 stated as both sentries bowed. Chrysalis merely nodded as she walked past them and into the camouflaged entrance of the hive. Once the Queen was out of earshot, an awkward stillness permeated the scene. Tau-8859 looked to his brother.

"Okay, I'll bite: why was her crown in a manticore?" the sentry asked. Lambda-2981 sighed and closed his eyes.

"Trust me, in this line of work, it's better to not ask questions."


To any other creature, the entryway of the MacIntosh Mountains Hive would be seen as dark and foreboding: barely lit, so as to only provide enough light to those with infrared vision, dozens of false entrances to confuse those who didn't belong, and stalagmites and stalagtites threatening to pierce the skin everywhere. But to Chrysalis, it was home. Admittedly a home she hadn't visited in ages, but home nevertheless. Despite the menacing entryway, the rest of the hive was strangely...welcoming. Emerging from the darkened hallway she entered into an enormous atrium, large enough to rival the throne room of one Princess Celestia.

The domed ceiling above featured murals of notable Queens and their defining moments: Innominatrus, the Queen who had caused the Griffon Empire's downfall into obscurity; Pseudonymous, the Queen who helped free Discord from his stone prison; Exterreris, the Queen who had put the 'nightmare' in Nightmare Moon. And at the center of them all sat the Queen of Queens, Dominatus. Chrysalis craned her neck up and glared at the mural, planning out her own addition to it. Specifically, she was going to have the whole thing painted over white and just have the entire ceiling be about her and her exploits. As soon as she had some that didn't involve a humiliating defeat.

On her left were three halls, and on her right three more. Directly straight ahead were two grand doors, ornately carved and infinitely old. Above them was elegant old Changeling script, long forgotten to all but royalty. Roughly translated, it said "Commissary and Snack Bar for the Queens and Stuff." Not exactly poetry, but who was going to fix it? Chrysalis re-adjusted her crown, took a heady breath to steel her nerves, and opened the door.

At the table sat a majestic Queen Dominatus. She was dignified in her poise and demeanor, her coat immaculate, and her crown resplendent. Behind her stood two elite royal guards, stock-still. Chrysalis bowed deeply.

"My Queen of Queens, I humbly request an audience." she said through gritted teeth.

"Your request is granted, Queen Chrysalis. Be seated, please." The Queen did as she was told, and sat as daintily as she could muster. Dominatus gently cleared her throat, and an attendant came from apparent thin air to pour a cup of tea for the younger royal. After the attendant again vanished into the ether, Chrysalis took a polite sip. It was bitter, as always.

"So, to what pleasure do I owe the Queen of the Badlands Hive?" the elder Queen asked. Chrysalis set her cup down with a clink.

"I have matters pertaining to the security and future of our entire species, my Queen of Queens. I would prefer it if we were to discuss this...in private." And with a tiny nod, the room was empty save for the royalty. The two stared at each other, both refusing to blink. Finally, after an eternity, Dominatus sighed deeply.

"You lost another hive, didn't you?" she said, before taking another sip of tea.

Chrysalis sputtered. "Wha-I! No! I-no! I didn't!" she fumfered. "I...merely wanted to see how my mom is doing, that's all." Her mother's eyes widened, and she grew a crooked, wicked smile.

"Oh, I'm sure that's why. And I'm sure that's why every other time you've visited me since you moved out. The fact that you always manage to leave with another hive's worth in drones is purely a coincidence, hmm?" The younger Queen suddenly found herself enraptured with the table in front of her.

"Not...not every time." she quietly whined.

Her mother gently took a breath. "How did it happen this time? The Elements of Harmony? Discord? Those con-ponies again?" Chrysalis jerked her head up.

"I thought we agreed to never bring that last one up again!" she barked. Her mother simply chuckled. "Anyway," she mumbled, "you wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

Dominatus took on a thoughtful expression. "Of course I'd believe you; you're my daughter, after all. And if a mother can't believe her own daughter, what's the point in even having her over?"

Chrysalis rubbed her eyes and sighed. "Well...do you, uh, remember that rebellious drone I had?" she asked.

Her mother cocked her head and looked up. "...Sigma-17817? The cartographer drone? He liked to go by 'Thorax,' didn't he?" Her daughter widened her eyes in disbelief.

"Y-yeah. That's the one." she stuttered. Dominatus simply stared at her daughter, silently urging her to continue. "Well, he came back...with a vengeance." The elder Queen furrowed her brow in confusion.

"What are you implying, Chryssi?" Chrysalis winced. She hated, no, she utterly despised that nickname. She always had, and her mother knew it.

"He, uh. Hey, Mom? Did you know that receiving a lot of love all at once hurts? Like...a lot?" Dominatus' face took on a serious tone.

"Chrysalis...what exactly are you saying? I need to you to be crystal clear with me now. Did Sigma-17817 give you love...instead of you taking it?" And again, the table seemed to be the most interesting thing in the room. Her mother leaned forward. "Chrysalis J. Succedaneum, answer me right this inst-"

"The whole hive did, okay?!" the younger Queen snapped, before she slapped a hoof over her mouth.

"THE WHOLE HIVE?!" Dominatus shrieked. "Honey, baby! We need to get you to the royal infirmary, and NOW! You need to get checked!"

"Mom, it's fine! I'm fine!" Chrysalis pleaded, but her mother continued.

"Oh, what if you test positive for E.K.S.?!" the elder asked no one in particular.

The younger Queen rolled her eyes. "Mom, I really doubt I have Excessive Kindness Syndrome. I'm the same black color I always was; no part of me has changed to some ridiculous other color."

Her mother calmed down slightly. "Alright...but I want you doing daily checks until we are absolutely certain you don't have it."

Chrysalis groaned. "Okay, fine, whatever!" The two Queens sat in awkward silence for a moment before the elder spoke up.

"So...seeing as you're currently between hives, have you thought about joining another?" Dominatus asked, taking a sip of tea. Her daughter scoffed.

"And live under the rule of some lesser Queen? I think not! I have more self-respect than that!" she replied, looking away.

Her mother tsked. "Oh, come off it. There's nothing wrong in staying with family. It would just be for a few months! Just long enough to get you back on your hooves. Why, your half-sister Occultatum stayed with Reticentur for half a year, and now where is she, hmm?"

"'She's practically running Stalliongrad.'" Chrysalis mouthed along with her mother. "Look, Mom: I refuse to move back in with family just because I 'can't make out there in the real world.'" the younger Queen emphasized with air quotes. Her mother huffed.

"Fine," she said, her ire rising, "If you refuse to move in with family, there is another route you could take." Chrysalis' eyes widened. "And it would have you practically bathing in love..." Her daughter groaned.

"Y-you don't mean-" she stammered out.

"All it takes is a willingness to put yourself out there, you know? Take some risks! Make yourself...available." Dominatus added with a wink.

Chrysalis leaned her head back, and slouched in the chair with a whine. "Oh, not this again!" she grumbled. Her mother frowned.

"Yes, this again! I want a grandchild!" she exclaimed, striking her hoof on the table. Chrysalis' head snapped forward.

"You've had grandchildren! Thousands of them! I raised nearly eight hundred eggs in the last hive alone!" she declared. Dominatus scowled.

"You know what I mean. I don't want soldiers, nor do I want the loaned drones from your half-sisters! I want a granddaughter! A true heir to the Changeling Queendom throne!" Chrysalis gave out a frustrated sigh and leaned forward.

"Do we really have to have this conversation now?" she moaned.

"Oh, well I'm oh-so-sorry that I want my darling, beautiful, wonderful daughter to be happy! I'm just the worst mother ever, aren't I?!" Dominatus taunted with a quivering lower lip. She was met with an unamused stare.

"You know, pushing me into motherhood doesn't mean that I'll be happy!" Chrysalis grumbled. The Queen of Queens set her teacup down, now empty.

"I'm not pushing you into motherhood; I'm simply reminding you that I'm no hatchling. I'm turning 7000 next September, and I'd like to think that my daughter cares enough about me to bless me with a grandchild by then!" she said with a huff.

Chrysalis gave a sleazy smile. "Mom, I would just love to meet someone, truly I would. It's just that...I've been crazy busy lately. So I don't have the time to date!"

Her mother arched her eyebrows, before resting her chin on a hoof. "Oh, you've been crazy busy, hmm? With what? Running the hive you no longer you have?"

"Well yea-wait. Shoot." the younger queen replied, pursing her lips.

"I could be getting daft in my old age, but it appears to me that you have plenty of free time now. Time that you should spend dating. You're not getting any younger, you know, and the longer you wait the less opportunity you'll have!" she said with a smirk.

Chrysalis let out a frustrated groan. "There's barely any opportunity now! Mom, dating isn't anything like how it was in the old days! Battles where you get to meet a mate are rare, and there's even less royalty worth dating now!" she said, throwing her hooves into the air.

The Queen of Queens shook her head. "Don't be so melodramatic, dear. The wonderful thing about battles is that they can happen anywhere and at any time! It's just a matter of you choosing to put yourself into that position! And I'm sure there's still royalty out there; say, whatever happened to that princess you had such a crush on in high school?"

The younger Queen's eyes grew wide, and a reddish hue took over her face. "Um...what princess are you talking about?"

Dominatus idly circled her hoof in the air. "Oh, you know the one. The pink one. With the heart or something on her flank! She had a musical name, as I recall." Chrysalis looked down at the table.

"Oh. Her. Right. Um...she's, uh, she's...married." she stammered. Her mother tsked.

"See? You waited too long, and now she's taken." Chrysalis rolled her eyes.

"Whatever. She wasn't into mares anyway. Some 'Princess of Love' she turned out to be." she mumbled.

Dominatus leaned back in her chair. "Well, at least you're not out of princesses."

"What, Celestia and Luna? No thank you." the younger Queen remarked. "Luna is some strange shut-in weirdo, and Celestia? She's into...stuff. Freaky stuff."

Her mother grew thoughtful. "Say, wasn't there a fourth princess?"

Again, Chrysalis found herself enraptured by the table in front of her. "N-no. Just the three."

The elder Queen furrowed her brow and looked up, nonchalantly tapping her hoof on her chin."No, there's definitely another. Curses, what is her name? Dusk Shine? No, that's not it. Evening Radiance? No, that's not it, either. Hmm. Alpha-6820!" the Queen of Queens called out. Within moments, a large drone with a clipboard and pen appeared from seemingly nowhere.

"Yes, my Queen of Queens!" it said, snapping to attention.

"Alpha-6820, what is the name of that pony that was recently crowned in Equestria?" the elder Queen questioned.

The drone, apparently ready for the such a query, unhesitatingly replied "Twilight Sparkle, my Queen of Queens! She is designated as the 'Princess of Friendship,' and resides within the 'Friendship Castle' in Ponyville!" Dominatus clopped her hoof on the table.

"Twilight Sparkle, that's the name! Thank you, Alpha-6820." She exclaimed. With a tiny nod, the drone returned from whence it came, and Chrysalis buried her head in her hooves and groaned.

"So, why not go after this 'Twilight Sparkle?' She is a princess after all, and given the rarity of such events, that must mean she's worthy of the honor." the elder royal asked.

Chrysalis sighed and closed her eyes. "Because I don't want to! Let's move on to another topic!" The Queen of Queens gave her daughter an unamused look.

"Chrysalis..."

The younger Queen ignored her. "How 'bout that weather, huh? Crazy how it only works on its own in some areas and not in others, am I right?" Dominatus said her daughter's name again, only with less compassion.

"Or what's the deal with Tirek's imprisonment? Why would they lock him up, but not post any guards to keep him from breaking ou-"

"CHRYSALIS!" the elder royal barked, stopping her daughter mid-sentence. Taking a calming breath, she continued. "Why do you not want to pursue a courtship with Princess Twilight Sparkle?" The callow Queen looked away silently, staring at the most fascinating wall in existence. Dominatus' voice took on a saccharine nature. "Come now, dear. What's the reason? You can tell Mommy." Chrysalis made brief eye contact with her mother before mumbling out an answer.

"She's out of my league." she said, looking down. Her mother perked up her ears.

"What was that dear?"

"I don't think I could get her, she's out of my league." she whimpered, just above a whisper.

The Queen of Queens sat upright in her chair. "Young lady, you know I can't stand it when you mumble. I raised you to speak clearly and with authority, now do so!" Chrysalis glared at her mother.

"FINE! I don't think I could get her! She's way out of my league! There! Happy?!" she yelled, throwing her legs up in exasperation. Dominatus leaned back, stunned.

"...excuse me? What do you mean?" she asked incredulously.

Chrysalis stared at her mother in shock. "Have...have you seen her?! She is so ridiculously adept at magic that I planned my entire last hive's defense around her strength!" The Queen of Queens regained her composure.

"Ah...so THAT's why your built your throne out of magicaeffusio rock! Wait, is that all? She's too powerful? It seems to me that her abilities would make her the ideal candidate! Just think about the battle you two would have! Oh...it would be...glorious! I can't imagine a better creature for my baby's first time!" Her daughter took on a disgusted look.

"Mom, that's just...ew. I don't like you thinking about my love life, especially like that. And it's not just her power! I think she may already have her eyes on somebody else. One of her friends." Dominatus raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? And how do you know this?" she inquired.

Chrysalis sighed and looked off into the distance. "Well, when my drones captured her and her frien-" Her mother choked.

"WAIT! You captured her?! When?! And why are you still here if you've captured her?!" She stared at her mother for a moment.

"That was part of me losing th-look, it's a long story, okay? The important thing is that when I was leeching the love out of them, she seemed to already have a strong affection to the orange one. Far stronger than anything she was putting out towards the others. So I doubt she'd be interested in me, alright?" Her mother leaned forward, anxious for more.

"Was it returned? The affection?" she asked, with a gleam in her eye.

Chrysalis sat upright. "Um, I don't think the orange one even knew about it, no. To be honest, I think she's largely oblivious to that stuff." Her mother gave a wicked smile.

"Then this is more perfect than we could have even planned! Those who harbor unrequited love are the easiest sources for mating!"

The younger Queen sat confused for a moment. "Wait, what do you mean? How does this make things easier?" Her mother leaned back in her chair.

"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it, dear. But starting out, it's quite simple, really: you send a love letter, along with a gift, to the Princess, stating your intentions to defeat her in one-on-one combat. If she beats you honorably, then we go to the next step." she replied, rubbing her hooves together.

Chrysalis scrunched her nose. "A love letter? And what was that about a gift? None of this makes any sense, Mom."

The elder royal scoffed. "Of course it makes no sense to you, dear; I can't expect a virgin to understand the subtle and sultry dance of courtship." The younger Queen rolled her eyes, catching the ire of her mother. "Fine, ignore our millenia-honored traditions and just do what all the kids are doing these days and send her unsolicited pictures of your ovipositor!" Dominatus spat, gesturing with a hoof. Chrysalis only replied with a horrified look. "What?" her mother asked. "You think I don't keep up with modern perversions? Remember honey, we are creatures who FEED on LOVE. Lust is a part of love, and so it pays to keep up with the popular trends!"

Her daughter shook her head. "Ugh...I know lust is a part of love, Mom! It's just that I have no intention of sending Twilight Sparkle a picture of my most private area!" she exclaimed. Dominatus giggled.

"'Most private area?' Listen to you! I never realized I raised such a prude!" she said, barely holding back laughter.

Chrysalis furrowed her brow. "Hey! I am NOT a prude!" Her mother giggled some more.

"Oh of course sweetie, you're right: you're not a prude, you're just a closeted pervert." she chuckled. Her daughter sat, mouth agape.

"I-I am not! Shut up!"

The Queen of Queens leaned towards her daughter, with a lecherous look. "Oh? So that stash of magazines I found in your nightstand? The ones with titles like 'Royalty Exposed' and 'Gigantic Rumps Monthly?' I'm curious, what were those for?"

Chrysalis scooted her chair back. "I- you- THOSE WERE FOR RESEARCH!" She screamed, looking away. "I've never felt so violated in my life." Her mother snickered.

"Oh, relax dear. It's a mother's job to snoop around, you know. Anyway! Speaking of...research, the more I think about it, it may not hurt to approach this problem with a more modern outlook." The younger queen looked back at her mother.

"What do you mean, 'modern outlook?'" she asked, casting a skeptical eye.

"Well," Dominatus responded, idly circling a hoof on the table, "perhaps sending a provocative picture along with your love letter would-"

"NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT." Chrysalis interrupted. "I refuse to send anyone a picture of my...fiddly bits!"

Her mother sighed. "'Fiddly bits?' Really? You're a grown changeling Queen, please talk like it. It's called an ovipositor. I have one, you have one, all Queens have one. Even Reticentur has one!" The callow Queen winced.

"Could we PLEASE stop talking about our junk?! Especially hers?!" Chrysalis begged, covering her face with her hooves.

Dominatus cleared her throat. "What's wrong with Reticentur's ovipositor?" she asked, cocking her head to one side. Her daughter began gesturing with her hooves.

"It's all flat and oddly- no. I am NOT having a conversation with my mother about my half-sister's crotch. Not now, not ever."

Her mother sighed. "Fine, dear. Keep being a prude, see how much flank it gets you. So, if you don't want to talk about that, then we should probably talk about your new hive. Specifically, financing. How will you feed the drones that build and maintain your new hive?"

Chrysalis's ears perked up. "Oh! Right! Yeah, that was part of the reason I came to see you..."

Dominatus gave a deadpan stare. "You don't say."

"I'll pay you back!" the young Queen promised, only to be met with the same deadpan stare. A pregnant silence dominated the room. "Yeah, you're right. I won't." she replied, looking away.

Dominatus closed her eyes and took a long, calming breath. "Alright honey, I'll make you a deal: send this Twilight Sparkle a love letter describing your intentions along with a gift, and if she rejects you, I'll see to it that you get enough drones to start a new hive."

"Oh come on! Do I have to?!" Chrysalis blurted out. Her mother let out an exasperated groan, before reaching across the table to grab the younger Queen by the withers, bringing her mere centimeters from her face.

"Do you or do you not want a new hive?" she grumbled. Chrysalis, in shock, only nodded. "Then you will send her a letter and gift, fight her, impregnate her, decapitate her, and mount her head on a wall. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?" Dominatus growled, before shoving her daughter back into her seat.

"Y-yes, Mom."

Satisfied, the Queen of Queens sat back in her seat, her mood returning to a calmer state. "There's a good girl. Now, I have royal duties to attend to, so return to your room and start drafting letters. I want to see at least five different options by the end of the day, understand?" He daughter silently nodded, and left the room.

It was going to be a long day.

Author's Note:


This was decidedly not inspired by a heated discussion conversation with my parents. Nope. Not at all.

Well, welcome to my first real fanfic! I've written some in the past, but never published anything. So! If you see anything that needs to be fixed, have any comments or suggestions, or just plain hate it with a white-hot fiery passion, let me know!

I've got a fair bit of this story (more or less) planned and written out, it just needs to be polished up. Thanks for reading, and hopefully I can get a new chapter out soon!

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