• Published 11th Jan 2018
  • 4,372 Views, 290 Comments

The 4000 Year Old Virgin - Harmlesskitten13



4000 years isn't too old to still be a virgin...right?

  • ...
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Chapter 3

The fear of a changeling replacing somepony in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again, is a very real threat to many Equestrians. There is an especially palpable anxiety among royalty. Recent events, such as the incidents involving the nobility of Canterlot and the Crystal Empire, can attest to this. However, one could argue that the aristocracy has less to fear than the common townspony. Not because an aristocrat's life is more important, but rather because the common pony could easily be a changeling in disguise, and those around them are none the wiser. Notably, this is a fear in the larger, more metropolitan cities, where the bulk of Equestrian citizenry lives. It has been theorized that there are thousands of changelings lurking in these areas, all spying on and feeding off the population. - The Rise of the Changeling Queendom, Vol. 2 - by Works Cited


Although many in the Hive would hate to admit it, the most important room in the MacIntosh Mountains was not the Throne Room, nor the Armory, nor even the Quartermaster's Storage. No, they were all important in one way or another, but the room that held the Archives dominated them all. Fully staffed every hour of every day, it was constantly abuzz with energy. Hundreds of small crystal orbs, used for secret communication between the workers and incognito field agents, filled a massive wall on the left. On the right, drones flew back and forth between desks carved out of the rock, usually only long enough to copy a new piece of information before flying back to a different orb. In the rear was a small door. Many would simply pass by it, uncaring as to the contents that lay beyond it. Above the door, as always, was a sign written in ancient Changeling script denoting what it was. Specifically, it was "The Room With the Super Sneaky Secret Stuff." At the center of it all sat a bespectacled changeling, Delta-9201, checking and re-checking a stack of papers on his desk. He barely noticed the two Queens as they approached. Dominatus cleared her throat.

"Yes, I'll be with you in a mo-ah! My Queen of Queens! And my Queen! Please forgive me for my rudeness! What may I do for you today?" the changeling said, bowing his head in respect. The elder Queen smiled. Delta-9201 was one of the best intelligence administrators she had hatched, even if he was a bit absent-minded from time to time.

"Hello Delta-9201. How goes the intel-farming on the Minotaur Kingdom?" she asked. The drone sniffed and adjusted his glasses.

"To be honest, your Highness, it could be better. These overly-muscled bipeds are some of the most untrusting creatures we've encountered in a while. We've barely made a dent in infiltrating even their lower noble castes, to say nothing of the complete lack of success in penetrating their upper. I apologize for our failures, my Queen of Queens." he replied, lowering his head in shame. Dominatus raised a hoof, and brought his chin back up to eye level.

"There is no shame in this. All failures do is teach a way to not do something. Keep trying, and by process of elimination, you will succeed. Have faith in yourself and your department, Delta-9201. I do." she said with a smile. This seemed to inspire the changeling, as he sat a little straighter in his chair. Chrysalis simply stood, mouth agape, at the interaction.

"Thank you, my Queen of Queens. You are far too kind." the drone replied. "What brings you to the Intelligence Bureau today, my Queens?"

Chrysalis opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by her mother. "My daughter needs all the files you have on Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria." The changeling nodded, writing down a note on a scratch piece of paper next to him.

"Epsilon-8856!" He shouted, as a drone flew up behind him. "The Queen of Queens requires everything we have on one Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria." The drone nodded, flew a few body lengths away, then returned with a confused look.

"Um, sir? Our files on Princess Twilight Sparkle are quite extensive. Is there anything specific required, so we can pare it down a bit?" the drone asked. Delta-9201 turned to the royals in front of him with an expectant look.

"No, I'm afraid we'll need it all, otherwise my daughter will probably die a weird lonely virgin." Dominatus replied nonchalantly. Her daughter flinched.

"MOM! SERIOUSLY?!" she shouted. The Queen of Queens gave an airy laugh.

"Oh, right. Of course. She also needs all of it so I don't die without a grandbaby to spoil." she added with a smirk. Chrysalis glowered at her mother.

"One more line like that and I'm out of here, hive or not." she muttered. Her mother rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Fine, fine. Delta-9201 and Epsilon-8856? Forget what I just said. Strike it from the records. And yes, we do actually need all you have on that Princess. Thank you." With that, the two drones nodded and returned to their work. Chrysalis scoffed.

"That's it? No memory wipe spell? Just 'forget what I said,' and they do it?" Her mother grinned in response. "And wait a minute - there's a record? In our own hive?" she asked. The elder Queen quirked an eyebrow.

"Of course there is. We monitor everything, inside and out, record it, and save it for future use. We cannot allow anything to escape our eyes and ears. Obviously, we do it to detect any outsiders, but I also enjoy keeping up on the gossip." she answered with a lopsided smile. The smile was replaced with a questioning gaze as she turned to her daughter. "But why are you asking me this? Didn't you record everything in your last hive?" Chrysalis looked away.

"Well..."


Queen Chrysalis of the Badlands Hive sat atop her majestic throne, planning her next move. Should she attempt another invasion of Canterlot? No, too risky. Perhaps an infiltration of the Crystal Empire? Maybe, once that cartographer drone returned from his reconnaissance. For now, she would just bide her time, and wait for an opportunity to present itself. At once, a drone burst through the throne doors.

"My Queen! My Queen! We have reason to suspect an intruder in the hive!" he yelled before bowing. The Queen leaned forward in surprise.

"Really, drone? What makes you say this?" she asked. The drone held up a crystal orb.

"We were checking the recordings, and found this! It appears to be an imposter of you in your bedchambers, singing and dancing to 'Sharp Dressed Mare!' And doing so very badly! We believe it may be an attempt by our enemies to discredit you by making you appear lame and having no rhythm!" The Queen's eyes widened to an unbelievable degree, and her mouth hung open in shock.

"I...I see. Please, give me the orb. Are there any additional copies?" she asked. The drone shook his head as he passed the object. "Good work, drone. Now back to work." The drone bowed, and left the throne room. After watching the embarrassing scene play out several times, she threw the orb to the ground, shattering it. Looking up, she called for the royal guards.

"CAPTAIN!" she screamed. Within moments, the Captain of the Royal Guard appeared and bowed. "Have the intelligence section of the hive, along with all its records, destroyed immediately. And kill the staff working there, too. They are traitors to the hive." The Captain looked up with an unsure look on his face.

"...my Queen, are you sure? Are there replacements ready? Without a proper intelligence bureau, we could be infiltr-" Chrysalis slammed her hoof down on the throne.

"DO IT! DO IT NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW!" she shrieked. The Captain bowed again.

"Yes, my Queen! Right away, my Queen!" he replied, before running from the room.


"...that section was compromised. By outside forces, just before I was betrayed." she said, looking at the incredibly interesting ground. Dominatus gave a distrustful look.

"Uh...huh. That is unfortunate." she said, squinting her eyes. Before she could question her daughter any further, the flying drone from earlier approached them.

"My Queen of Queens, we have compiled our complete collection of files and orbs we have on Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria." the drone remarked, gesturing to a veritable mountain of boxes behind Delta-9201's desk. The elder royal smiled.

"Excellent, Epsilon-8856. We will take it from here. Thank you for your hard work." the drone bowed its head before flying off. Turning to her daughter, she gave a devilish grin. "Well, sweetie, there it is. Take it to the royal throne room." Her daughter blanched.

"Jeez, this is going to take forever for us to move it all!" Her mother gave a chuckle.

"What's this 'us' stuff? Have a mouse in your mane?" she asked. Chrysalis's head whipped back and forth between her mother and the boxes.

"There's a ton of stuff here! This will take years to do on my own!" she replied, gesturing with her hooves. Her mother started to walk away, before turning her head back to face her daughter.

"Well then, you'd better hurry if you want to be done before dinner. I'm going to go check on a few things, then I'll meet you in the throne room. And I'd better not find out you had some of the drones do it. Have fun!" the Queen of Queens said with a sleazy smirk, before leaving the chamber. Chrysalis wilted as she looked at the piles of boxes that appeared to stretch all the way to the ceiling. She heaved a sigh before looking at a box of files. Charging up her horn, a glow enveloped it, and it lifted slowly into the air. The Queen started breathing heavily, concentrating as much as she was able. She was able to move the box nearly to the door before her magic shorted out, and it fell to the floor. Her chest heaved as she stood there exhausted.

I can't wait to have some drones again. Then I'll have some REAL power, and we'll see who's laughing, MOM. she thought with a scowl. Taking in a sharp breath, she charged up her horn again. The box barely budged. Groaning in frustration, she walked around the box, and shoved it out the door. Turning to glare at the mountain of files behind her, she gave a crestfallen look. "One down. Seven thousand to go..." she bitterly muttered.


While it wasn't seven thousand, four hundred and thirty-six was still nothing to sneeze at. And those boxes had taken the young Queen nearly all day to move from one end of the hive to the other. Watched by changelings the whole time, all Chrysalis could do was grumble and moan as she shoved each crate of information into the throne room. She collapsed as she finished, completely exhausted, from horn to hoof. She heard a grunt of approval from behind her.

"Well! It's good to see you actually finish something for once! And all on your own, too! I'm so proud of you, Chryssi-wissy!" the elder Queen cooed as she magically pinched her daughter's cheek. Chrysalis blew a raspberry.

"Mom, I'd love to yell at you for calling me that, but I'm too tired. Can I just go to bed?" she sputtered out.

"I'm afraid not, my dear. Now you need to work on your letter to this Princess." Dominatus tittered.

Chrysalis groaned as she slowly, ever so slowly, worked her way back up to a standing position. The throne room was empty, save for the two royals. To the right of the throne was an antique table, usually reserved for signing important accords and treaties. Tonight, however, it was a place to eat. On it sat a large crystal bowl, full of a softly glowing green soup. She sniffed the air. Was that...dill? And sage? It was! She scrambled over to the table, and sure enough, her favorite meal sat waiting for her. Pure love concentrate with mashed lentils for texture, dill, sage, and just a pinch of hot sauce to give it some kick. Taking a tiny moment to savor the scent, she greedily picked the bowl up with both hooves, and slurped down as much as she could in one go. Her mother gave a knowing smile.

"I figured that as hard as you worked today, you deserved a real meal." Chrysalis only grunted in agreement as she inhaled the rest of the bowl's contents. "So, now that you've had a decent meal, it's time we got down to brass tacks. Those letters you wrote were horrific. I don't know why you thought that any of those were worthy of sending to your beloved, but that's neither here nor there. We're going to write a proper letter to your darling pony Princess, and I'm going to help, so that you don't mess it up again." The young Queen stopped licking the bowl, and set it down. She wiped the mess off her snout with a hoof, and cleared her throat.

"Um, Mom, about those letters, I-" her mother cut her off with a dismissive hoof.

"I know you're sorry, sweetie, which is why I'm here. And more importantly, why these are here." she said, bringing up the old cardboard box bound with twine. "These" she said, her hoof hovering over the box, "are my old courtship letters. Now, I'll admit that not all of them are gems, not by any stretch of the imagination. But...they still got the job done. They communicated my intentions, while still being coy and demure. And that is what you should be going for. Your letters, when they were even remotely comprehensible, bludgeoned the reader over the head with lewd references and disgusting descriptions. That is neither sexy nor befitting a lady. Not just royalty, but ladylike behavior in and of itself. So, we're going to go through these files, and figure out as much as we can about this Princess, as well as the best way to approach her." Chrysalis stared at the mound of boxes strewn across the throne room.

"Mom, that's going to take forever! Who knows what's in there? How much worthless information will I have to go through before I find something useful?" she exclaimed, gesturing with a hoof. The elder Queen smiled.

"That's why I'm here. Two of us, half the effort. Grab a box, and this won't take long." With that, both Queens picked a few boxes, seemingly at random, and began poring through the papers and orbs inside. Chrysalis searched through her initial boxes much faster than her mother, and started through another. Then another. And another. All the while her mother slowly read through the two boxes she had picked first. After her tenth box, the young Queen turned to her mother.

"Aren't you done with those yet? I've gone through ten in the time it's taken you to go through one!" she challenged. Dominatus grinned.

"Perhaps that's because I managed to pick the right boxes?" Chrysalis cocked her head to the side.

"What are you talking about?" Her mother chuckled.

"These two boxes" she pointed out, "are labeled 'T. Sparkle's Romantic Relationships, Boxes One and Two.' They contain nearly everything we need to know about your target's personal preferences when it comes to matters of the heart. And therefore, two of the three boxes we actually need. And I don't think you would have gotten much from 'T. Sparkle's Horseshoe Sizes Since Age Six,' anyway." Chrysalis picked up the last box she had retrieved to find that, yes, it really did say that. Her mother continued. "The box that you should be looking through is up there." she pointed at a box near the top. Without a word, the young Queen got up and walked over to the crate. On it was a label: "T. Sparkle's Combat Styles and Preferences, Box One of One." She looked back at her mother.

"Wait. If we only needed the three boxes, and you knew that, then WHY DID YOU MAKE ME MOVE ALL OF THESE HERE?!" she demanded. Her mother flashed a toothy grin.

"Because it was hilarious watching you trying to move all of them! Why else?" she answered with a guffaw. "Also, hard work builds character. If anything, you should be thanking me for the opportunity."

Chrysalis growled in anger. "Why. Just...why. Why would you do this to me?! You made me suffer all day, and for what?! So you could get a laugh?" she asked, gesturing wildly with her hooves. Her mother waved dismissively.

"Oh, it's fine. Suffering is good for the soul. Besides, it gave me time to do my own research! Anyway! Now that we have what we need, we can start drafting a love letter!" Dominatus' eyes lit up at the mention of the note, and she pulled out a pad of paper and a quill. Further, she pulled the old cardboard box over. Carefully undoing the twine, she lifted the lid, revealing a bundle of envelopes, with calligraphic writing on each. "I want you to read one of these, Chryssi. That way, you can get an idea of what a PROPER love letter looks like!" She floated one over to her daughter.

"Yeah, no." she said, tilting away from the note as though it were some poisonous animal. "I'm not really into reading porn about my mom, thanks." Her mother scowled.

"Unlike you, I actually know the difference between romance and reproduction. READ. IT." she grumbled, forcing the envelope into her daughter's face. She just sighed, and opened the letter.

To Honing Stone the Stalwart and Fearless,

I yearn to engage you in that most revered and sacred act of warfare.
Your muscles are broad, and your skill with a spear renowned. To see you
spill the blood of your enemies is to witness the beauty and majesty of a
setting sun. Should you feel the same way, I beseech thee to meet with me
in the field of sunflowers nearest your castle. Come alone, and we will assail one another
until our bodies are spent, and only one remains standing.

Yours,

Dominatus the Vigorous

Behind her mother's letter lay a reply:

To the most Vile and Reprehensible Changeling Queen,

I agree to your terms. You will have your battle. Your hubris will be
your undoing, as I have defeated many of your ilk. What makes you
believe you shall be any different, you malicious enchantress? I will
meet with thee on the morrow, at sunrise.

Honing Stone the Stalwart and Fearless

Chrysalis made a gagging sound. "Were you ALWAYS this sappy? Or just when you were trying to get some action? I can tell you right now, if some pony came up to me and starting talking like that, they would be the LAST one I'd want to hop in the sack with." Her mother snorted.

"Psh. Says you. And considering that between the two of us, I'm the only one who's managed to 'hop in the sack' with anything, I'd say I know what I'm doing. And as I recall, I have pretty good taste, too. Honing Stone and I fought for hours and hours. It was some of the best skirmishing I ever experienced!" she said, looking nostalgic. "Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday..."


The field of sunflowers were in full bloom, their golden petals shining for the whole world to see. A large, battle-worn gray Earth pony marched to the top of the hill, surveying the field below. He wore heavy metal plates, each gouged with signs of close calls and near-defeats, with a large chest piece displaying his cutie mark: a round stone with a sword pressed against it, sparks flying. On his back he wore a single spear. Its shaft was thick and made of hickory, and its metallic point sharpened to such a fine degree, it was said he could shave a gnat's beard. As he expected, the Queen of Queens stood on the other side of the field. She wore a dark set of armor with a black helmet on top, and carried no weapon.

"VILE QUEEN! IT ENDS TODAY!" the gray pony shouted across the field. The Changeling raised her head.

"Indeed it does. I have needed this for some time now." she whispered to herself. "WELL! IF YOU BELIEVE YOURSELF STALLION ENOUGH TO CONQUER THIS MARE, BY ALL MEANS, HAVE AT ME!" she replied with a toothy grin.

Accepting the challenge, Honing Stone drew his reliable weapon, and charged. He covered the distance in no time, and made a deep thrusting move towards the Queen's chest. She dodged effortlessly, and giggled in response. This only seemed to enrage her attacker, as he deftly swung his spear around in the hopes of catching the cackling witch unaware. However, this too was evaded, as she rolled to the left. Another titter left her lips. "Come now, surely you're better than that?" she cooed. The stallion roared in response and began a flurry of jabs, hoping that at least one would hit home. Sure enough, despite her best efforts the spear's tip finally made contact with her armor, pinging off a shoulder plate in a glancing blow. This caused the Queen to purse her lips, "So you do know what you're doing with that thing. It's about time!"

The sun reached the middle of the sky, and eventually began to set, as the two exhausted warriors continued their back-and-forth. Honing Stone would make an attack, and Dominatus would dodge. If she felt that her partner was getting too close for comfort, a quick telekinetic blast of pain would send him reeling, if only for a moment. As the last vestiges of sunlight peeked over the horizon, the heaving pony made one last effort. He lunged at the Queen, using the last of his strength. She remained still, and took the blow square in the barrel. The force of the attack splintered the spear's shaft, sending bits of wood in every direction. Falling onto her back, the Earth pony jumped on top of her, intending to finish her off with his hooves. Between breaths, the stallion spoke. "Any last words, you seed of evil?"

"Yes: thank you for the battle, it was most pleasant." she responded with a small smile. Momentarily confused, Honing Stone raised his forelegs up, and brought them down the crush the Queen's skull. Only, there was no skull to crush. Nor Queen. He whipped his head to the left, then to the right, where he found his opponent. Charging with her horn, she jabbed the stallion in the ribs, effectively paralyzing him and throwing him on his back. Climbing on top of the pony, the Queen gently touched his forehead, before changing into a small light brown mare. Honing Stone shook his head.

"No! It can't be! Sh-Shrinking Violet? Is that you?" he asked. "I...what are you doing here? Where is the evil Queen?" The little mare giggled.

"You defeated her! You've saved our village, and I can only think of one way of thanking our hero. MY hero..." the tiny mare replied, licking her lips. She laid a trail of kisses down the stallion's chest, before spreading his legs to-


"MOM! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF MY SANITY! PLEASE! STOP!"

Dominatus frowned. "Oh, but I was just getting to the good part!" she complained. "Anyway," she continued, "you should learn from that story! Not only were we able to completely overtake the town after that, it supplied us with love for decades! Also, it's how your half-sister Reticentur was conceived. And Alpha-6820, now that I think about it. No wonder I have such good memories of that stallion." Chrysalis placed a hoof between her eyes, squeezing them shut.

"I never thought I'd say this, but can we just do this stupid love letter? I'm tired, and I want this to be over with. And if it means that I don't have to listen to your stories of..." she shuddered "...how we were conceived, then I'll do it! Just, please!" Her mother gave a knowing grin.

"Of course, Chryssi. Now, write down what I say, and we'll hammer this out before bedtime, eh?" Her daughter picked up the quill, and looked expectantly at her mother.

"To the Great and Powerful Princess Twilight Sparkle..."

Author's Note:

Hey hey! It's another chapter! And hopefully as good as the others! Or at least not worse! Admittedly, I only had about half of this chapter prepared before I sat down to write it, so if it seems like it went off the rails, that's why. Anyway! I hope you good folks enjoyed it! If you did, tell me! If you hate it, tell me, ideally with emoticons! If you're indifferent, well, tell me anyway! Regardless, thanks for reading!

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