Well, it can be said that his arrival in this new world didn't go unnoticed by the local population, and many of them began to make their way over to the spot where, a "giant blue bird with strange markings" had just crashed outside of a large forest, known to the locals as the "Everfree Forest", which is the name that also defined it on a map.
Most of them just stared wide-eyed at the "thing" in front of them, wondering what it was. It was like no bird any of them had ever seen. It seemed to be made out of some sort of metal, with odd markings of a white star on its wings and body. It was seemingly painted all in blue, a dark shade of which, none of them had ever seen before in their world.
Suddenly, from out of the crowd, a few brave souls who had the courage, (and quite possibly a death wish!) went up close to get a better look at the thing. It was throwing off sparks, one of its wings was torn off, and it was ripped up, dented in, and just plain smashed open in many places due to the crash.
"It seems to me", one of them remarked, "That this thing isn't really a bird at all, but rather a large machine of some sort!"
And indeed, upon closer inspection, it was revealed that the "thing", was not a living creature, but in fact was a large metal craft of some sort, possibly even meant for flight, and that it has had some sort of accident. The top of the machine had been made of glass, but most of it had gotten broken during the crash. There was also a large brown lump inside.
"Hey!" Another of them cried, "There's some kind of creature in this thing, but I think it's dead!"
After making this announcement. he made a rather dumb decision; he poked at the creature with a stick! After a few pokes with no response, he turned back to the others to announce that it really was dead, but then it moved! Moved, and made a faint groaning noise, almost like a groan of pain.
At this, the entire group ran off and hid! Peering out from their hiding places, they saw the creature trying to get out of his craft. His movements were jerky and irregular, possibly suggesting injury. Finally, after a long struggle, he crawled out, and collapsed on the ground, gasping for air, and moaning in pain.
The crowd gasped when they realized that this creature was unlike any pony that they had ever seen. It had 4 long, spindly limbs, a muscular body, a round head with a brown mane, and it was wrapped up in wool and leather. None of the group knew if the creature was dangerous or not, so they decided that it was best if they hung back, and see what the creature did next. One of them however, a nurse named Redheart, and a local animal caretaker, known as Miss Flutters, crept back out of hiding, and began to creep towards the now motionless creature.
"Hey, what are you doing?!" One of the males in the group hissed at the two females, "Get away from there! It could only be faking its injuries to draw us in close!"
"I don't think that it even knows we're here." Redheart answered. "Plus, it's visibly bleeding, and suffering from pain. I can't just leave it in distress like this, I'm a nurse, I have to help it!"
Once they reached the creature, Miss Flutters was the first to point out that the creature was unconscious.
"I don't think that it can hurt anypony right now", she whispered, it's out cold. Assuming that it is still alive of course."
Up close, Redheart noted that at the end of the creature's upper limbs, the creature had two odd appendages, almost like gryphon claws; not like a hoof at all. After touching the creature's head, she felt around it's neck for a pulse. Finally, she found one.
"It's still alive", she announced to the rest of the group. "However, it is hurt, and needs immediate medical attention!"
Against their better judgement, those standing by helped Redheart and Miss Flutters pick up the creature, wrap it up in blankets, and get it onto a cart for transport to the local hospital, both for its health needs, and so that it could be examined. After all, it needed to be examined to determine what it was, where it came from, whether or not it was intelligent, whether or not it was sentient, and most importantly, whether or not it was dangerous.
Three problems here. First is "I can say". You've slipped for a moment from an omniscient narrator to an embodied narrator--one with a character and role in the story of their own. This is another of those tools reserved for expert use only. More importantly, it's inconsistent with your omniscient narrator style used up to this point. I'd cut it.
Second problem: "just crashed outside of a large forest, known to the locals as the "Everfree Forest", which is the name that also defines it on a map." We have tense disagreement here. "defines" is present tense, and the rest of this is past tense. Third problem is that this whole narration at the beginning is far more verbose than it needs to be. Just end it at "had crashed outside a large forest known as the Everfree." Bam, done. The bit about the map is just repeating yourself.
Also, much more minor (and I'm sure it's too late give how far in the story you are), on the show, Fluttershy's whole family lived in the sky and had never taken her to the ground before. It would be quite a convenient coincidence for them to have an earlier pegasus relative who moved into the same random earth pony town, then moved to cloudsdale again only to have their own future relatives move back to Ponyville. Could just explain that away as a weird coincidence I guess. What is harder to explain away: Flutters isn't fluttershy's family name, the family name is "shy." (see the wiki article about them from that episode). Not really sure there's much you can do about that this late into the story, but I did think I ought to point it out since I noticed the error.
8517321
Hello Starscribe, I fixed the first error, and corrected the second one.
However, in regards to Miss Flutters, (her first name is Flutters), I actually wrote this part of the story about 1 1/2 years ago, long before Season 6 aired. So technically, I could just pass this off as coincidence, but, now that Season 6 has aired, and knowing that someday, somepony was going to ask me this, I came up with an answer. Here's the deal. Like some, if not most ponies, Fluttershy had two sets of grandparents, her mother's parents, and her father's parents. Her father's side of the family, since they helped in the weather-making process, always lived in the clouds. This was also true about her mother's side, until Miss Flutters came onto the scene. True, for most of her adult life, Miss Flutters lived in Cloudsdale. Her passion was caring for birds. However, one day, a number of years after her daughter, Fluttershy's mother, was born, her husband passed away. She became so grief-stricken, that she closed herself off from the rest of the world.
Eventually, after Fluttershy's mother grew up and moved away, birds once again became her passion. She became well known for taking care of them, however, some ponies began to make fun of her. They kept being so mean to her, that one night, she finally couldn't take it anymore. She left Cloudsdale for the surface, and finally settled into Ponyville, taking care of animals.
Back in Cloudsdale, Fluttershy's mother believed that her mother had ended her life, and as such, refused to speak about her. Eventually, she married Fluttershy's father, and to honor her thought-deceased mother, they named their daughter "Fluttershy" After her. Fluttershy grew up never knowing the truth about her grandmother. She was always told that she had died before she was born, and that her passion for animals came from her grandmother as well.
Will Fluttershy ever meet her grandmother, Miss Flutters, in this story? Well, I guess that you'll just have to keep reading this story now, won't you? 😏
Okay, that dude who poked him is gaining a death wish, usually a soldier is very hostile to unknown environment, he could've shot the stallion.