• Published 5th Nov 2018
  • 3,090 Views, 156 Comments

Five Crazy Trials to Date Pinkie Pie - B_25

Spike endures five trials to understand what intimacy with a mare is really like.

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IV - Customer Service

~ IV ~

Customer Service

“Where's the mare!?”

I rolled my eyes. “How many time do I gotta tell you? Not here.”

“She lives here!” I wasn't here for a minute, a frickin' minute before some slob punched the damn doors opened! It was the pony before—the one with the bad attitude and even worse face. The prick was pressing it against mine. “I know it for a fact!”

“Sorry buddy, but the last I checked, mares don't live in the kitchen.” I stood tall, shaking my head. “In fact, that's kinda a sexist thing to say in these parts. Didn't you mother teach you some manners while she was in the kitchen?”

“How dare you insult my mother!”

“You can insult mine if ya like.”

“You have a mother?”

His anger transitioned into extreme confusion.

“Kinda.” I looked up and started to think. “My real mother ditched my egg in the Badlands. Probably would've been lost there if Princess Celestia hadn't found my egg.” I tilted my head. “I guess that makes her my mother? But she didn't hatch me though.”

I looked between my feet and thought some more. “Twilight's the one that did that, so maybe that makes her my mother? Ack. Feels weird just saying that.” I looked at the confused pony. “Look, she might have hatched me, but Celestia was the one that raised us both... kinda.”


“We had Twilight's parents raising us when Celestia wasn't raising us.” I squinted my eyes. “You know, for something so important, you'd I would have an answer for such important questions.” I sighed. “Are these even important questions? Dang, Pinkie's getting to me already.”

“Look, dragon, I just want—“

“Name's Spike.”

“Didn't ask for it.”

“And I didn't ask for you, and yet, here you are.”

The pony glared at me.

I didn't like him too much. “So what is it you want anyway? The pink mare ain't here—only me.”

“Find me that Pinkie,” the pony said as he put his hooves on the counter, “or this little establishment of yours will be under investigation by the law.” He glared up at me, smirking. “To I make myself clear, dragon?”

“Oh, perfectly.” I yanked him by the throat, my claw reaching all around, and I raised him above the counter. “The law will be here, alright, just not for the reasons you think.” I clenched my claw and heard him choke. “Give me the reason why you want to see Pinkie?”

His legs kicked in the air.

“Or should I just give my reasons to the law when they find your corpse on the ground?”

His legs stopped kicking.

“Good boy.” My eyes narrowed on their own. “Now start talking.”

“S-She... she cheated me!”

“Oh?” I tightened my grip even further, delighting as I could almost feel something cracking. “And how did a cute mare do something like that?”

“S-She cheated me by a bit!” He squeaked out. A tear welled in his eyes; something tore at my heart. Exhaling heavily, I loosened my grip. “She gave me four bits instead of five. T-That's all!”

My head dropped. “All this over a missing bit?”

“Yes, yes!” His voice cracked as his sobs were soon approaching. “I was just upset! I... I don't like being cheated by anyone!”

“And I get that.” I lowered him to my face. “But did you really have to come in here, punching and shouting, without giving any reasons as to why?” I brought him closer. “What if she didn't mean to cheat you? What if it was an accident? What if you miscounted or misunderstood? Do you think aggression is the best first response.”

“T-T-Take no offense, f-friend, but are you qualified to be saying something like that?” I felt him gulp from the bulge passing across my palm. “ I've had civil disputes like this b-before, but none that... well, had me hung up.”

I'm a screw-up. I know I was, am, and will always be one. Because no matter how many times I screwed up, I'd never realized it when it was happening—only when someone else came to rub my nose in my mistakes would I recognize the scent of failure.

“Suppose you got me there,” I replied, lowering him to the ground but keeping my claw on him. “But you shouldn't have acted so rash around a dragon.”

“Y-You being a dragon is an excuse to grab someone by the throat?”

“That's wasn't an excuse,” I replied, “that was an explanation. You keep this up, and I'm bound to explain some more. Understand?”


“Good,” I said, pulling back my claw. “Now here's what we're going to do.” I reached to the side of the register, where notes and pens had been left, and I took one of each. “You're going to write your name and your address on this note.”

“And why would I do something like this?”

“It depends on the kind of explanation you want.” I pressed my knuckle on the wood, hearing its every crack. “You write down your information—a wonderful review as well—and in a few days, you'll get a pouch of bits at your door.”

I stared into his brown eyes, hard enough to see my reflection, my sinister expression, and I only smirked all the more. “But you speak a word of this to anyone? I'll be the one that shows up at your door.”

“I...” the pony levitated the pen as he wrote on the note. “... go with the first explanation, kind sir.”

“You're smart to do that,” I replied. I put my claw over the note. “But not smart if a word you write turns out to be a lie.” My claw curled into a fist. “You don't want a dragon to come looking for you, do ya?”

“No, sir.” I pulled my claw back, watched him write. When finished, he dropped the pen. “You will have no issues from me.” He stepped back, doing his best to smile. “But as to the matter of bits I am set to receive...”

“Enough that you can be cheated your whole life and still come out on top.”

“Then today has been a profitable day.” The pony turned to the door, walking, almost bolting toward it. “M-May you have one as well!”

I watched as he blurred past the doors, which swung from his speed. “As soon as you're gone, I will.”

I sighed and shook my head. What the heck was that? Threatening ponies now? Customer for a job that wasn't mine, all to help a marefriend who was anything but? Anger seethed in me. There was only so much absurdity I could take before some blew inside me.

I'm not a good dragon. I'll admit that freely. Hard to find anyone who would doubt that, other than family. There was no reason to it—being bad I mean. It was just easier to do, a lot more fun to handle, and it got this thing... this venom out from my veins.

But I'd never strangled a pony before.

And even worse.

It felt good.

“So folks!” I lifted my head to gaze out to the distant booth, where from before, a couple sat, drinking a milkshake, though they'd stopped doing that a while ago. Instead, they watched me, holding hooves tightly as they did so. “Are you enjoying your experience at Sugar Cube Corner?”

They only shivered.

“How about writing down a review!” I exclaimed. “Please be sure to leave your address below for a chance to win some bits!”