5: Protocol, by FanOfMostEverything (Ditzy Doo)
Chapter by: FanOfMostEverything
Ditzy Doo awoke to the sound of every parent’s nightmares. Her wings flared open, sending her sheets flying.
Her bedroom had a door. By the time she processed that there were words to Dinky’s panicked screams, it had had one. The bannister then met a similar fate. Ditzy nearly followed suit once she landed, striking the rug in the entry hall at just the right angle to send her skidding into the unfamiliar unicorn stallions leaving through her front door.
Dinky managed to land in Ditzy’s forearms and desperately latched onto her mother, squeezing for all she was worth. “Save me, Mommy!”
Ditzy turned to the stallions, who had gotten to their hooves, looking down on mother and daughter with a surprising amount of bland disinterest for ponies who’d just been bowled over by a ballistic pegasus. She took a deep breath and waited for the red to fade from the edges of her vision before speaking. “Gentlecolts, I would like an explanation.”
One, his mane shaved to a line of stubble, sneered at her and magically grabbed Dinky with contemptuous ease. The other, mane slicked back, applied a sympathetic expression to his face. It might have seemed sincere if it reached his hard eyes. “It’s quite simple, Miss,” he said, donning the sunglasses that had gotten knocked off in the collision. “We’re with Foal Services.”
Ditzy tilted her head. “And that automatically gives you the right to abduct my daughter?”
The slick-maned stallion made a strangled sound that might be described as laughter by a pony who’d never actually heard it. “It’s hardly an abduction if it’s being done legally.”
“What?” Ditzy bolted to her hooves. ”But… but this isn’t right! You can’t do this!”
“I think you’ll find that we can, Miss.”
“But—”
“You’ll live,” grunted the shaven stallion, turning and leaving. His partner shook his head and followed.
Dinky flailed in the magic holding her up, her eyes never leaving Ditzy’s. “Mommy! Don’t let them take me away! Mommy!”
Ditzy watched them go for a few seconds, tears welling in her eyes. One eye drifted to the right, bringing a surprisingly intact end table into her field of vision, along with something red and gleaming sitting on it.
Then she shook herself out of her funk and flapped off after the stallions. Tracking them was simple from above, especially with a courier’s knowledge of the area. She swooped down in front of them.
Both stallions frowned. “Miss,” said the slick one, “I must ask you to move aside.”
“Or we’ll make you move aside,” added his partner.
“Mommy…” Dinky bit her lip, eyes wide and watering.
The world began to shake. After a moment, Ditzy realized that it was actually her doing the shaking. Her posture wasn’t helping either; head down, wings flared, tail lashing… not what she had in mind. She took a deep breath, straightened up, folded her wings, and extended a foreleg. “I think we got off on the wrong hoof. Hi, I’m Ditzy Doo.”
“And I’m not interested,” grunted the shaved stallion, trying to go around her.
A twitch of Ditzy’s hips nearly made him stumble into one of the nearby houses. “Sorry about that,” she said, the picture of sincerity. “Look, Mr. Interested, I think there’s been a misunderstanding here.”
“You will find there hasn’t,” said Slick. “You have been found unfit to raise a foal. That’s where we come in.”
Ditzy turned to him, moving back a few steps to keep the other stallion in her field of view. “Yes, but like I said, you can’t do that.”
“Miss, I don’t know what you think Foal Services does—“
“I know precisely what Foal Services does. You didn’t announce yourself, you didn’t present your credentials, you didn’t even wake me up. As far as I can tell, you broke into my house to foalnap my daughter.” Ditzy pointed in the direction they’d been headed. “Also, you were walking towards an empty field.”
After just slightly too long a pause, Slick said, “We have a pegasus chariot waiting for us on the edge of town.”
“I’m sure.” And then Ditzy smiled. “Look, I get it. It’s your first day and it’s a tough job. You want to prove you can handle it, so you go in all gung-ho. But take it from me, rushing in without making sure you’re doing the right thing never works out how you expect it to. Sometimes you discover how to ignite flameless fireworks, but more often than not, you just make a mess. For you guys, there are procedures you have to observe. Otherwise, it’s a criminal act, and the best you can hope for is trying again. Worst case? You’ll have pink slips in your mouths and black marks on your resumes.”
She took to the air. “How about I take you to City Hall? We can get this all sorted out, nopony has to mention your little oopsy earlier, and I can show I’m fit to raise Dinky. Sound good?”
“Why should we listen to you?” asked Not Interested.
Ditzy turned to him “Because I’m asking politely?” She hovered closer. “Because I’m the wronged party and have legal grounds to sue you into next week?” Her muzzle pressed against his. “Because you wouldn’t have scared me even before I was part of the Cloudsdale Offensive against Tirek?” She wondered when he’d gotten the ruby earring that kept flashing in her peripheral vision.
“Miss, there’s no need for threats,” said Slick.
Ditzy didn’t move an inch as she said, “I agree. Those weren’t threats. Those were statements of fact.” She gained some altitude and put a smile back on. “So, shall we, gentlecolts? It’s going to be hard avoiding attention if we keep talking in the middle of Stirrup Street.”
The two looked around. As if on cue, shutters and doors were cracking open. Curious eyes peeked out, and dark mutters hissed in the air. Once Slick unclenched his jaw, he said, “Very well, Miss. Please, lead the way.”
Ditzy beamed. “I’d be happy to.”
Mayor Mare frowned at the group the moment they walked into Town Hall. “What is all of this?”
“Hello, Mayor,” Ditzy said with a wave. “We have a bit of a situation, and we’re going to need…” She trailed off and turned to the stallions. “I don’t suppose you have any of the paperwork?”
“Such as?” said Slick.
She quirked an eyebrow. “It’s your job to know that. Literally.”
“I will ask you not to harass government officials, Miss Doo,” said the mayor.
Ditzy turned to her, eyebrow still raised. “I never said they were government officials.”
“You wouldn’t have come to me if this weren’t a municipal issue.”
“That’s true. Well, since we have a pair of Foal Service workers who were out sick for every day of training, we’re going to need the whole stack you keep in reserve for me.” Ditzy beamed. ”Thanks!”
“Ah. Yes. The full stack. I’ll be back shortly.”
Ditzy sat next to the stallions, holding Dinky. “She’s such a nice mare. You know, she actually gave me advice during the last election, and that was when I was running against her!”
“You don’t say,” droned Not.
“Uh huh. I don’t know why I got so few votes. She came up with a great slogan and everything.” Ditzy extended a foreleg, as though pointing at a banner. “’Vote Ditzy: I Probably Won’t Wreck Town Hall if I Work There.’”
Slick cleared his throat. “Miss, aren’t you trying to convince us that you are fit to raise a foal?”
Dinky answered them by sticking out her tongue.
“Now, Dinky,” said Ditzy, “be nice.”
Dinky looked up at her, frowning. “Why?”
A repeated squeak preempted Ditzy’s response. The Mayor came in on two legs, pushing a wheelbarrow full of teetering stacks of forms that went higher than she did. Once she set it down, she huffed out, “Here you are, Miss Doo.”
Ditzy took in the load. “Huh. I guess there were some policy changes since I last checked on it.”
“Yes, well, this is why you should stay up to date with—“
“Last week.”
The mayor tugged at her cravat. “W-well, there was an emergency session of the town assembly, you see.”
“Concerned about the Everfree? That’s certainly one way to take care of surplus lumber.” Ditzy flew up to the top of the stacks and began examining the forms.
“I suppose we’ll just take your daughter into custody as you fill those out,” said Slick.
“What? No, no, most of these are for you,” Ditzy said as she sorted through the piles, moving with the ease granted by years of scanning addresses and filling out order forms. The first batch hit the floor with a whump that seemed better suited for a bag of cement. “I keep some copies of my end already filled out. They’re in here somewhere. Carrot Top always says I’m being paranoid, but with my luck? I knew you guys were going to come one day. Somepony was going to blow my eye condition out of proportion and, well, here we are.”
Mayor Mare cleared her throat. “Actually, Miss Doo, you’ll find many of those forms are for you to fill out. Part of the new procedures.”
“Really? Everything I’ve found so far asks for stuff like date of certification or says ‘For Agent Use Only.’” Ditzy dropped another whump and wrinkled her muzzle as she grabbed the next form. ”And I think you put in some forms that don’t belong here. Who’s Special Agent Sweetie Drops?”
The mayor cleared her throat again. “I put the agents’ forms on top of the pile. It’s possible a few unrelated items slipped in there along with them. However, if you’ll keep looking—”
“Yeah, I think I struck my stuff.” Ditzy gave a whistle as she looked over the first form. “Wow. This is… Wow.”
“We wanted to make sure no foal would be left in an unsuitable home.”
“What does the assembly consider a suitable home, Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns? I don’t think most of the town could fill out this form.” She looked over to the Foal Services agents, who were eyeing their paperwork with the wariness Dinky had around alfalfa. “I think I see why you two came to Ponyville.”
Slick nudged his share of the forms with a hoof. “Is all of this really necessary?”
Ditzy rolled her eyes, then shook her head to ward away the disorientation. “Oh please, that stack barely goes past your fetlocks. You should’ve seen what I had to fill out to get a new rubber stamp back when I still worked for the post office.”
She set the last sheaf down and nodded to herself. “There. Nice and organized.” She gasped. “Oh! That reminds me. Muffin?”
Dinky looked at Mr. Interested and gulped. “Y-yes, Mommy?”
Ditzy landed next to her and gave her a sweeping winghug. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through so many scary and boring things today, but I need you to do me a favor.”
Dinky bit her lip and nodded. “Okay.”
“I need you to go find Princess Twilight. Do you remember what you need to tell her when something like this happens?”
Dinky shook her head. “Sorry.”
Ditzy stroked her daughter’s mane. “It’s okay, Dinky. Like I said, today’s been very strange and scary for you. When you find her, tell her we have a Code Silver, okay?”
Dinky nodded. “Code Silver.”
“That’s my clever girl.”
“She ain’t leaving,” grunted Not.
Ditzy met his gaze. “You don’t have legal custody of her until you fill out those forms. She can come and go as she pleases.” She held the stare, pinning a different stallion with each eye. Neither one made a move for the filly as she left Town Hall.
Once the door shut behind Dinky, Slick slowly shook his head. “You really let your daughter run wild like that? Here? I’ve heard stories about this town.”
“You haven’t heard stories about my daughter. I remember most of her infant surges, and the ones I don’t?” Ditzy gave a lopsided grin. “Honestly, I did you ponies a favor by stopping you when I did.”
Mayor Mare cleared her throat.
“Do you need a cough drop or something, Mayor?”
“These forms aren’t going to fill out themselves, Miss Doo.”
“On it!” Ditzy grabbed one off the top of one of her stacks and looked over it. “Great-aunt’s maiden name. Huh. We always just called her Flitty.”
About fifty forms, three inkwells, and nine quills later, a sound broke Ditzy out of the form-filling flow. “Seh…” She set down her latest quill and worked her jaw a few times. “Sorry. Getting a cramp. Say that again?”
“You wanted to see me?”
Ditzy perked up and turned around. Not as quickly as she would’ve liked; her mouth wasn’t the only part of her that was cramping. “Twilight!” She turned to face the alicorn, noting the setting sun through one of Town Hall’s windows. “Glad you could make it. To be honest, I was starting to think Dinky might have just gone back home.”
Going by her flat stare and ears, Twilight was in no mood for chit-chat. “What do you want, Ditzy Doo?”
After a moment, Ditzy said, “Uh, she did give you the message, right? Code Silver?”
“Yes. But you don’t really expect me to do something about this, do you?”
“Well, you’re here, you promised you would, and you’re the one who helped me prepare for this situation, so… yes?”
Twilight sighed. “Miss Doo, I don’t know what you expect from me, but I am a very busy mare.”
“I know, that’s why I made sure to keep your form close at hoof.” Ditzy grabbed a sheet with a wing and held it up for Twilight to see. “Here! One prewritten royal decree! Just needs your signature and the date.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“It was your idea, Twilight.”
“And now I’m wondering what I was thinking.” Twilight turned around.
“Uh, Twilight?” Ditzy flew over her and landed in front of her. ”I kind of need you to sign this, or I literally can’t leave the building until I finish filling out these forms, or the Foal Services goons over there have legal claim to Dinky until I take them to court.” She pointed to the two stallions, who’d finished at least an hour ago. Both were lounging against one of the walls. Slick gave a lazy wave and a smirk that almost asked Ditzy to punch it. ”And, uh, you said you’d be my legal counsel, but I guess you’re not going to do that either.”
“Actually, Miss Doo,” said the mayor, “the Town Hall will be closing soon, so you’ll need to leave regardless.”
Ditzy barely spared her a glance. “In the process of filing a request to the town. Can take as long as I need. You told me that yourself.” She turned back to Twilight. “I just need you to sign your name and the date. Please? For Dinky?”
“And why would I do that?”
“Uh, Princess of Friendship? Who swore up and down that she’d help me against ponies who’d abuse the letter of law at the cost of its spirit? Kind of like what’s happening right now?”
“Miss Doo—”
“And what is with everypony calling me ‘Miss Doo’ today?” Ditzy bit her lip as she took in Twilight’s glare. “Um, sorry. I think that one was building up for a while.”
“Look. Ditzy. We aren’t friends. We’re barely acquaintances. Nine times out of ten, if I actually notice you, it’s because something has gone wrong, whether you’re electrocuting town hall, shattering Hearth’s Warming decorations, or just dropping anvils on my head. Based on my experiences with you, you are a menace, a danger to yourself and others. I cannot in good conscience waive your obligations to the state just because of a verbal contract.” Twilight vanished in a flash of light. “Goodbye, Miss Doo,” she said from behind Ditzy.
Ditzy whirled around to see Twilight opening the doors. “Twilight, they tried to take away my daughter! Without following any of the proper procedures!”
Twilight looked back. “And you were well within your rights to take them to task for that. Just as you’re within your rights to fill out your dispute forms.”
“But…” A chill settled in Ditzy’s stomach. “But you promised. You swore on Celestia’s tiara.”
Twilight sighed. “You know what I’ve learned about Celestia’s tiara, Ditzy? At the end of the day, it’s just gold. Soft, heavy, and not good for much more than looking pretty. Goodbye.” And with that, Twilight Sparkle walked out, slamming the doors behind her. The vibrations made something fall from the rafters and clang against the floor, a bit of red glinting in the evening light.
“Well. O-okay then.” Ditzy wiped at her eyes with a fetlock. “I… I guess I’ll just…” She trailed off, still staring at the doors.
“Miss Doo?” said the mayor. “Those forms aren’t going fill themselves out.”
“Oh. R-right. The forms.” Ditzy took a deep breath. “For Dinky.” A bit of warmth came back amid the dread chill that had gripped her gut. “For Dinky. I trust the firefly lanterns are still in the storage closet on the left?”
The mayor nodded. “Yes. However, I should note that the desks are only available during normal operating hours.”
Ditzy felt her ears and wings droop as the chill redoubled. “Oh. The floor it is.”
Six hundred forms, in triplicate.
Stupid.
Enough ink to swim in.
Useless.
So many quills that Ditzy had pulled a few loose feathers from her wings to get the last few lines in.
Unloveable.
More tears than Ditzy cared to count, always moving her head away before they could drip on a form.
Incompetent.
And the voices had assailed her all throughout. She wasn’t sure if she was hearing things or if the town hall was haunted. Though if it were haunted, that would mean that a lot of ponies she knew had died recently.
Moocher.
Including Carrot Top, apparently. Well, if Ditzy had to choose, she’d rather be going crazy. At least that way, she’d be the only one who had to deal with the voices.
Whatever the case, Ditzy had pressed on, working only by the red light of the fireflies. She’d alternated between her mouth and both wings until all three were numb, now pressing the quill between her forehooves and moving it with aching shoulders. Her eyes had stopped aligning hours ago; now she alternated which one was open, switching when she couldn’t make out the paper anymore. That was happening more and more often, and she was starting to get worried. She knew blackness at the edges of her vision was bad, but she wasn’t quite sure what to make of red at the center of it.
“Just one left.” That was what she meant to say. It didn’t bear much resemblance to what came out of her mouth, along with a few bits of fluff left in there from all the quills. Still, Ditzy put the last certification of proof of authentication of authorization to confirm that she existed aside and looked over the last form.
She blinked. Then she shut both eyes, counted to ten, and reopened them. That seemed to be enough to get them to cooperate for at least a little while, enough to confirm that the sheet did in fact only have the one word.
WHY
She looked around. Nopony else was in the building. Just her, an increasingly dim lantern full of fireflies that looked as tired as she felt, and a piece of existential bureaucracy. With a wince-inducing shrug of her wings, she said “Why what?” and turned the sheet over.
Why do you persist in this interminable charade?
Ditzy groaned and swayed. Without the momentum of moving the quill, the fog of fatigue rushed into her thoughts. “Nopony said there’d be essay questions on this test.”
The paper shivered and shook as if something was trying to crawl out from under it. Then it flipped itself over.
This should have been over in minutes. Seconds. The rage in your heart should have guided your hoof.
Ditzy blinked, then straightened up a little. The fog didn’t fully recede, but she could focus enough to see that the lantern was lit by something far worse than any firefly. She shrugged her wings and told the Amulet. “Well, yeah, but then I’d have had to accept you.”
The paper crawled in front of the lantern like an inchworm before flipping over again.
You knew? You seemed lost in the illusion.
“You reminded me just now. But I don’t think I ever really forgot. Plus, it’s not like you kept anypony in character.”
Then I will dispense with subtlety. Accept me and you will have power untold. Anything you desire will be yours.
Ditzy raised an eyebrow. “Respect?”
They will carry you on a golden throne and bow before you as a goddess.
“Wealth?”
The riches of the world will be yours to do with as you will.
“Love?”
Every male of every sapient race will beg for your slightest glance.
Ditzy nodded. “Well then. Mr. Amulet, you can take your offer and shove it up your own backplate. I am a mother. Nothing you offer could match what Dinky gives me.”
Somehow, the next flip managed to sound sinister, more like the motion of a snake than paper on parquet flooring.
I could make her a princess.
“Excuse me?”
I accept your rejection, but I present a counteroffer: Give me to her. Tell her to accept me. If she is as powerful as you claimed, alicornhood is well within her grasp.
“Then why would she need you?”
Nopony said it was easy. There have been many potential alicorns throughout history. How many actual ones are there?
Ditzy said nothing.
She will have power. Prestige. Immortality. And best of all, freedom from any stigma her mother might bring upon her.
Ditzy shut her eyes and dipped her head until her muzzle touched the paper.
Then she ate it. “Like I said,” she mumbled around the mouthful, “up your backplate.”
Ditzy opened her eyes, shook her head, and took a few steps back as she tried to get those eyes to agree on a direction. She yelped as she sent herself halfway to the ceiling, her muscles far fresher than she expected.
Glowing light steadied her. “Are you okay, Ditzy?” said Twilight.
“Fine. Fine.” A few more blinks restored some focus, though her head still felt stuffed full of cotton. The glint of the Amulet sitting before her wasn’t helping.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I’m pretty sure I will. I just need to lie down for a while.”
“Do you want to talk about what you saw?”
After a moment, Ditzy said, “We’re friends, right, Twilight?”
The princess nodded. “Of course! I like to think I’m friends with just about everypony in Ponyville. I owe this town more than I could ever repay. Why—”
Ditzy held up a hoof. “Okay. Good to know. And we’re good on Code Silver?”
“Of course. Why would you—” Twilight gasped, then swept Ditzy into an embrace that reminded the pegasus that alicorns had earth pony strength. “Oh, Ditzy, I’m so sorry. Are you sure you’re alright?”
Ditzy squirmed a bit. Once Twilight let her go, she gave a slow, weary nod. “I will be. But right now, I just want a nap.”
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VERY well done. Intense.
XD Get bent, Amulet. GOD it deserved that wrecking after the previous chapter. :)
Loved this chapter, good job.
The amulet gave it a good try, I'll give it that. But Ditzy is too much MOM for it!
i hope these trials are painful for it.
such a sweet chapter
Ditzy kicks flank and takes no prisoners .
I'd really like to see a random character tell the amulet yes, but only if it gives him/her the power to destroy the amulet.
Best chapter of the compilation yet, but then again, it was written by the best author in the compilation yet!
I loved how much the Amulet was questioned without questioning, how often it was forced to choose back and forth between the integrity of the immersion trance or the integrity of its psychic hacking.
Keep it busy Ditzy, thats the way you do it!
OverPrepared Derpy is a new one for me, but makes a delightful amount of sense given all the crap we fans put her through. I approve of this chapter.Heh. The Amulet should have known better than to try to wear down a (former) government worker with a merely Sisyphean struggle.
I really liked this chapter. Ditzy knows the rules, and she's going to play by them... but that doesn't mean she's not going to play to win. A great example of determination in the face of patently unfair adversity, and a good mix of humor and empathy for our protagonist.
I can see that the Amulet's power is weakening. Its illusions are wearing thin.
Still seems more Dark than Comedy to me as the story goes, though that ending was GREAT with how Derpy was one step ahead of the Alicorn Amulet the ENTIRE time and how she completely told it off.
8518489
It's illusion wasn't weaker...Derpy was just too smart and the Amulet too lazy to really do things right. It expected her to fold into Sadness or Rage easily. That's why Foal Services was so incompetent the entire way. Why it tried to make Twilight a Useless Frigid B*tich. It read her Fear, but NONE of her Preparations & Defense AGAINST that Fear. It did not understand Derpy's STRENGTH. It completely and utterly underestimated her.
Plus as Derpy said...she never truly forget, which just strengthened her all the more.
Not only have you taken a supernatural drama and boiled it down in to a legal drama, you've reduced it down to the tedium of paperwork. Love it. For you:
Pre-filled Forms 1
Artifact
1R, Sacrifice Pre-filled Forms: Destroy all auras attached to target creature. If that creature is detained, it is no longer detained.
"Who knew Ditzy's paranoia would help save the world one day?" -Carrot Top
8519124
How do you know the Amulet was being lazy? If I were a magical artifact slowly being destroyed, I would fight as hard as I could. It reads minds, remember, not just emotions--that's how it knows how best to convince each pony. Perhaps it did underestimate Ditzy, but if so, I think it was because of a drain in power rather than "laziness".
The other illusions were absolute, and the ponies fighting the Amulet had varying levels of awareness that they were fighting it to begin with. Cadence forgot about it completely until it made its offer, and even then she didn't remember what was going on; Twilight and Moondancer are special cases, because they were directly appealed to instead of through illusions of their lives, but Carrot Top was utterly convinced that she had already fought the Amulet and left the room! In Ditzy Doo's illusion, however, the Amulet didn't try to present itself until the very end, but it was visible the whole time in flashes of red at the edge of her vision. I don't think it meant to do that. Its plan certainly seemed to be "set up the scenario and then make the offer", like what it did with Cadence, but it could not hide itself completely or craft a convincing enough illusion that Ditzy completely forgot where she actually was, and what she was doing. It seemed surprised when she mentioned that she already knew what was going on. If it did intend to make itself known throughout the illusion, the author certainly didn't show it--but as this is FanOfMostEverything we're talking about, I don't think such a mistake could have been made. Ditzy had much less trouble resisting it than the others; therefore, Ditzy must either have some merit that the others don't (which is entirely possible, though we don't know enough about this version of her to prove it either way), or the Amulet's power is weakening.
That was ingenious! No preparation just step into the fray with the difficulty and shatter the format of the "introduction - confrontation - resolution". Just step in the confrontation with your shoes wet and uprepared for anything.
EXCEPT IF YOU'RE MOTHEFRIGGIN DITZY DOO THAT IS!
Hey amulet! GIT GUD!
I never thought that paperwork filling and bureaucratic fighting could be this Intense!
Bravo! Truly Bravo!