The Incompetence Bureau

by Daemon McRae

Chapter 9: In Summary, You're All Insane

Chapter 9: In Summary, You’re All Insane

I would swear you could cut the tension in this room with a knife. Twilight had piled us all into that conference room we’d used on Monday, twice, I reminded myself. I still had papercuts all over my everywhere. It had taken me a while to clean up the mess in the mailroom, that was fur sure. I’d ended up pulling overtime twice this week just to make up for the delays.

At least my paycheck would be super sweet. Even if it might be my last one.

“And done!” Twilight announced. I looked in time to see her drop her pen on the table and close her file folder with a flourish. I grimaced, an expression all my friends seemed to share. With Sunny and Sour on either side of me, and Sugar and Zap to the far right, we all looked like a police lineup in office chairs. Twilight and Cinch sat across from us like a corporate-themed ‘Good Cop Bad Cop’.

“Now, Princess Twilight, I would like to address-” Cinch starts, before Twilight cuts her off. I’ve never seen anypony do that before. Though I guess if there’s somepony who can it’s a freakin’ Princess.

“A-ba-buh!” Twilight tuts, shaking a wingtip disapprovingly. “That won’t be necessary, Mrs. Cinch. I’ve already reached my conclusions.” She looked to each of us one at a time, while Cinch just looked ready to explode. She stared at me for a moment. “Your office is barely organized.” She turned to Sugarcoat. “Slightly archaic.” Then Sunny. “Overly demanding.” Indigo. “Barely legal.” And finally, Sour Sweet. “And staffed and attended by ponies and others I can only generously refer to as ‘unstable’. If your employees,” she stresses the word with a meaningful glance at Cinch, “Would like to make a case for themselves, I would like to hear it before I give you all my final verdict.”

We all start talking at once, which is just a bunch of noise until Twilight shushes us. “Bah-ah-ah! One at a time!” She pans her gaze across the lineup. “Sugarcoat. You first.”

“I think your judgment is wildly off base.”

Twilight blinks, waiting for Sugar to say more. When she doesn’t, the Princess asks, “Excuse me?”

“Your judgment. It’s terribly skewed. You introduced yourself as a variable in your own experiment, thus corrupting the findings. Our work days would have been drastically different without your presence. Lemon Zest wouldn’t have had to put in overtime if you hadn’t made a mess of the mailroom. I wouldn’t be behind in my desk work if you hadn’t interrupted me every ten minutes. Indogo wouldn’t have caught fire if you hadn’t been an unnecessary safety risk in the field. Sour Sweet wouldn’t be dealing with distressed clients and a horrible schedule backlog if you hadn’t changed it for her. Sunny Flare… ok she’d basically be doing what she’s already doing. But your presence disrupted our work in such a way as to provide inaccurate and wildly skewed evidence to support your verdict,” Sugarcoat explained. At least, I think I got it all. She talks quickly.

The Princess’s ear twitches, but her smile remains. Which is kind of scary. “So what your saying is that had I kept myself out of my observations entirely, you would have performed better,” she says. Doesn’t sound like a question.

“Yes.”

The smile brightens by like a hojillion kilowatts. “Perfect!” Twilight declares, picking up her pen again and scribbling furiously. After a few seconds, she looks up expectantly. “Anypony else?”

Indigo raises her hoof, but doesn’t actually wait to be called on. “You’re gonna cover our medical, right? I mean, I’m still partially exploded and Lemon Zest looks like a Nightmare Before Hearth’s Warming toy.”

I open my mouth to protest, but decide against it when I feel the cuts on my face twinge in pain from the movement.

Our auditor’s smile changes to a sheepish grin. “Um, yes. Your medical expenses will be covered by the Royal Treasury.”

Zap sits back in her chair with a ‘hmph’. “Good.”

Looking around at the rest of us expectantly, and not finding any other protests or arguments (given Sugarcoat’s succinct summary of the week), Twilight claps her hooves. “Right! Now, for my report. I’ve found that, while your filing systems are slightly outdated, and in some cases rarely used or even ignored, this does not impede your progress. Your tendency to overbook your therapists shows considerable concern for your client’s preferences. Your on-the-job-training,” she winces and rolls a shoulder, “Is more than sufficient to keep your employees in shape. And the lot of you seem to have a bit of a… rogue’s gallery air about you that makes you uniquely qualified to this line of work. So all in all, I’d say my investigation was a success!”

This time Cinch finally gets a turn to talk. “What, exactly, do you mean, Princess? I was under the impression you were here to audit us in regards to the continued operation of this office?”

Sparkle raises an eyebrow at our boss. “What? Why would I do that? I have no intention of putting this office in danger, much less finding a way to shut id down myself. Where the Tartarus would I send all the whack-a-doodles I encounter on a monthly basis if I did? No, no, no. I came here to determine whether your office was fit to handle a relatively… complicated clientele.”

Sour Sweet rolls her eyes. “And Discord isn’t complicated?”

“Well, yes, he is. But he’s also got friends outside this office now, as do some of the other clients I send you. Unfortunately, one of those friends happens to be a giant pain in my flank with a penchant for annoying literally everypony he comes into contact with,” she glares off into space, her eyes narrowing in frustration. “But that’s another story. No, the new… clients I intend to send your way are of that rare group of… ponies genuinely interested in reform. Unfortunately they’re so difficult to deal with that their current environment is almost counter-productive to that end. So I decided to see if this place would be a better fit. And honestly, Sugarcoat,” the unicorn raises an eyebrow as the Princess addresses her. “Even without your argument, I would have considered this office the perfect environment for them.”

Sugar’s eyes go wide. “That is an… alarming endorsement.”

Sparkle shrugs. “Well, they’re an alarming group. Speaking of which, I should probably introduce you all. Come on in, girls!”

The conference door opens, and three of the weirdest-looking mares I’ve ever seen walk in. The first is a bright blue pegasus with a long mane or blue and darker blue hair, tied back so that it arcs over her shoulders. She looks around the room with a bright, kid-like smile. The second is a really violent-looking earth pony with a purple coat and a similarly striped mane, in purple and darker purple, done up in pigtails. She’s wearing a lot of spikes. And a really nasty glare.

The last one is a bright orange unicorn with, WOW that is a lot of hair. Just like, a LOT of hair. Her mane is this big poofy orange THING somehow tamed into wavy locks across her back. She’s a bit… curvier than the other two, and is looking at all of us like she’s deciding who to flirt with first. She sees me staring and gives me a wink, licking her lips. I feel my eye twitch.

I notice they’ve all got musical cutie marks, with like hearts and stuff. And they’re all actually wearing spikes, just in their manes. Purple violent chick is the only one wearing them anywhere else. Well, really, everywhere else. Her collar, her hooves, her tail. I wouldn’t be surprised if her teeth were like, filed down.

Twilight looks between the newcomers and the rest of us expectantly, and says with what looks like a really forced grin, in an obviously forced cheerful voice, “Everypony, these are the Dazzlings!”

Comments

[Foxhelm]

[JackTheQuiet]

Unfortunately, one of those friends happens to be a giant pain in my flank with a penchant for annoying literally everypony he comes into contact with,” she glares off into space, her eyes narrowing in frustration. “But that’s another story.

Awww, now that's a crossover I really want to see!

[EchoWing]

Wow. That's a twist I didn't see coming.

[MrAskAPirate]

“Everyone, these are the Dazzlings!”

s2.quickmeme.com/img/f7/f768767f113a286eefc8ba8c32276771f9a18ca60a1dd62291c87a6cf4af33fc.jpg

[The Chronicler]

I actually snorted when I read the description of Adagio!

[JFalk]

Now I think that they would have prefered to fail Twilight's audit!

[Booster Spice]

Twilight:I like how you handled Discord, so I thought this time Id give you a challange.

Adagio:So, who wants to go to bed first?

[Sporktacles]

8413225

I would seriously like to see Schadenfreude meet the Dazzlings. Equestria would probably not survive.

[Seether00]

Is this Twilight's revenge?

[BlueNinja]

Indogo wouldn’t have caught fire

*Indigo

finding a way to shut id down myself.

You should shut down id, there's monsters in there.

a long mane or blue and darker blue hair,

*of

“Everypony, these are the Dazzlings!”

Quick, girls, quit while you have the chance!

[DualKitsune]

Hahahahaaa!! You girls are screwed. Run before you need counseling yourself.

[CSC]

I think the shadowbolt girls are the ones in need of therapy. I can imagine Sour and Sunny crying their eyes out while Indigo pretends to be fine, Lemon Zest would drown her problems with music, and Sugarcoat would just criticize everything else.

[FanOfMostEverything]

This is amazing thus far, and it looks like it's only going to get better. Eagerly looking forward to more.

[shadow starkiller2]

love it and my fav is sunny so