The Incompetence Bureau

by Daemon McRae

Chapter 12: Sour Sweet, Please Don’t Traumatize the Clients

Chapter 12: Sour Sweet, Please Don’t Traumatize the Clients

Will all of the therapy I provide to other ponies, you’d think I’d have my shit together. Ha. No. I usually spend my time between each session banging my head against the desk a few times until Sugarcoat tells me to stop, or finds some new and annoying way to interrupt my peace and… well, my peace.

Today it’s to introduce my newest client, one of the siren sisters. I believe her name is Aria Blaze. Sugarcoat ushers the earth pony in with little to-do, and walks right back out. I assume to stay as far away from the spikes as possible.

My poor couch.

She flops onto it lazily, and just rolls her eyes, waving a hoof in small circles as if to move things along faster. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

Her approach to therapy isn’t one I’m a stranger to, of course. There are many in our reform program who assume that the mandated therapy is useless. These are usually the ones who cry the most. Of course, I would be very remiss as a psychiatrist if I didn’t know the proper questions to ask. “So, why the spikes?”

“Uh, to keep ponies off of me, duh,” she drawls.

“Hmm… so, you don’t want ponies to touch you, is that it?” I muse, making some notes.

“That’s basically what I just said.” I can almost hear what she’s thinking: ‘Oh yay, she’s useless and stupid’.

“Does that mean everypony? What about a hug? DO you not want to be… intimate with anypony?” Serious questions time.

She sits up a little, glaring at me. “What’s it to you? I can just take ‘em off if I wanna get laid or whatever. They’re not like, attached, you dumbass.”

There’s a point in any good psychiatric session where the therapist asks a question that sounds both extremely rude and extremely personal. It usually hurts to hear, and most therapists don’t like asking them, but it cuts right to the chase. At least, that’s how it works for me. “Yes, but who would want to?”

Her eyes grow really wide, and she looks at her spikes, then at me, then at the ground. She looks like she’s getting teary-eyed, even. “Hey, I get plenty of action, y’know! There’s all kinds of stallions that want a dangerous chick! Some even ask me to leave the spikes on!”

“Is that the kind of stallion you want, though? Somepony who just wants you to hurt them? I can’t imagine there’s any warmth in that,” I muse.

She sniffles a little, then gives a quiet sob. “It’s just… I’m always the bad pony, right? The villain, or whatever. All our powers did was make others mad. That’s how we survived. We made ponies do what we want, get all angry at each other, and fed off of it. Who’s gonna want some domineering psycho like that?”

“So why the spikes, again?” I repeat myself.

She looks down at her attire. “I just… Adagio always said we should look like the bad girl so we got more attention. I tried looking all sexy and stuff like her, but it wasn’t working. And Sonata’s all cheery and stuff, with a weird twisted side, you know? So there wasn’t really any role I could fill in that wasn’t copying my sisters without… this. I just… wanted to look as angry as I felt all the time. I-” she pauses, and her eyes go wide again. She clears them out, and gives me an annoyed glare. “How the Tartarus did you do that? What… what was that? Some kinda voodoo bullshit?”

“It’s called therapy, sister,” I gloat. “Now, let’s talk about your parents.”

“...oh hell no.”

-----------------------

I walk the blubbering mess that is Aria Blaze out of my office, who doesn’t even look up at Sonata as she passes her sister by. The pegasus looks at her sibling with concern, but doesn’t say much as I waive her into the room.

Sonata just sits properly on the couch, looking very much like she’s trying to play the good girl. According to Sunny she actually wants to take this reform thing seriously, so I’m hoping this will go a bit smoothly. “So, Sonata. Aria had a lot to say about you girls,” I inform her.

She looks at me with alarm. “What, what? Did she tell you I was stupid? Cause I’m not!”

“No, nothing like that. She just has some… image issues you might want to talk to her about. She also didn’t have very many good things to say about your parents,” I add, pulling out Sonata’s folder from my desk. It’s… surprisingly thicker than the other two.

“Well, yeah. Our parents suck ass. Like, who just up and vanishes and leaves a bunch of little girls to fend for themselves? If we weren’t immortal we’d all be totes dead!” she grumbles, crossing her arms like a pouting child.

That’s… alarming, to say the least. “So how did you go from being orphans to being some of the most feared and revered monsters in Equestrian history?”

She laughs sarcastically. “Lotsa violence. And singing. And sex, but mostly on Adagio’s part. Like, a lot of sex. She was super pissed when we became mortal, cause now she has to worry about stuff like STD’s and birth control. It was totes funny.”

“Did you mind becoming mortal?” I probe, making both a mental and physical note to keep Adagio and Sugarcoat on opposite sides of the building. Or, you know, the planet.

“No way! It’s awesome! I mean, being immortal in Equestria was one thing, you know? We were awesome giant sea demon creatures with all kinds of power. Being immortal in humanland? The worst for realzies. There’s like, a bunch of dirt and gross humans and all kinds of weird animals. And almost no magic! It’s soooo dumb. But now that we’re mortal, I can get older!”

“...yes, that’s kind of the definition of mortality.”

She leans across the couch as far as she can without falling off. Which is an impressive distance, I’ll admit. “No, you don’t understand. I’ve been a B-Cup for over a thousand years! Mama wants real boobs!”

“...I literally have no idea what you’re saying,” I concede.

She sits back in a normal position and thinks about it. “Ok, so when we got kicked into boringland we were like, teenagers? Imagine… ok, imagine finding out that you’re immortal, but it’s the day before you get your Cutie Mark. And it’s gonna BE the day before you get your Cutie Mark for the rest of your life. FOREVER.”

I think that over, and shudder. “So that’s what… boobs are?”

“Well, actually they’re a sexual organ designed both to feed young and encourage reproduction. But yes, boobs are SUPER important,” she explains.

I make a few notes rather quickly. “Is there… anything else about becoming mortal you enjoyed?”

---------------

Almost an hour later, I’ve got a whole notebook full of notes to add to Sonata’s folder, and she’s still explaining things. I make a note to get to the human world as fast as possible. She makes it sound very fun, and NOT THIS.

Sonata walks off to join a much-less-blubbery Aria, while I look around for their sister. “Adagio? Adagio! Where’s Adagio? Wait… where’s Sugarcoat?!”

Aria smiles ruefully. “Oh, they left like an hour ago. Something about an unused conference room on the fourth floor.”

“DAMMIT.”

Comments

[Seether00]

Be sure to power wash the conference table.

[Dragon of Shadows]

“...oh hell no.”

[Tim the Planes-pony]

“Now, let’s talk about your parents.”

Well, there was the time they ran into a Samurai and a Scotsman

......It didn't end well for them.

[Booster Spice]

Ahh Sonata looks nice and can talk. Thre are diaries that are page per day. Or with the extra bits they like to throw in, say 400 pages each year. Thats a Lot of diaries. And that if she doesnt seperate them into various classificiations. Like one stack is merely what they had to eat, another is who they ate, another is who tried to eat them, etc.

To clean up that room, is it on the top floor? Do you want it off the top floor? Or do it Adagio style? Live fast, Die Hard?

[The Sixth Child]

8437041
I can see the resemblance.
i.pinimg.com/originals/84/c3/2a/84c32a3cde85b15d4ce4da32b846f493.png

[Tim the Planes-pony]

8437547
Yay! someone got the reference.
Edit: for added hilarity, the siren on the right in your bottom picture was voiced by Tara Strong, AKA Twilight Sparkle.

[FanOfMostEverything]

No wonder Sour's overbooked. She really is good. I know we've seen her with her regular clients before, but cracking Aria like that? Color me impressed.

8436801
Burning it and getting a new one may be the way to go.

[CSC]

I make a note to get to the human world as fast as possible. She makes it sound very fun, and NOT THIS.

*gasp* Don't!!! Right now's not a good time!!