The Incompetence Bureau

by Daemon McRae

Chapter 11: Sunny Flare, Please Don’t Kill Anyone

Chapter 11: Sunny Flare, Please Don’t Kill Anyone

Most of my job is a pain in the ass. I get to spend my day filling out forms and yelling at folk, with nothing but a room of stupid faces for scenery. Then we get to the part of my job that straight up sucks feathers, the intake interviews. Yes, this is my reponsibility.

What it boils down to is me asking them a bunch of questions about what they did, what kind of dumbass they are, and whether or not they’re a threat to the ponies around them. None of which I particularly enjoy the answers to.

My first interview today is with the S&M poster pony, Aria Blaze. Either she’s trying to hard, or she’s not trying hard enough. Neither of which impress me much. The interview room is a bit cozier than the rest of the office, with a lounge chair on one side, a loveseat on the other, and various bookcases along the wall. There’s a desk, too, but it’s mostly just a depository for paper crap.

The purple pincushion looks about as happy to be here as I am. I short, this is now the grumpiest place in the building, and we have holding cells.

“Right, name?” I ask shortly. Nopony said I had to be nice.

She raised an eyebrow in an expression that obviously questioned my intelligence. “I already told you my name, what’re you, stupid?”

“Ok. What’re You, Stupid. Got it,” I remark, writing it in. I always use pencil for the actual interview in case they try to be a smartass about it.

“No, that’s not- Fine! My name is Aria Blaze! Sweet Discord, you’re a pain in the ass,” she growls, rolling onto her back.

“Species?”

She gives me another look. “Are you just gonna read all the fuckin’ questions on that thing one by one to annoy me, or are you really so dense you can’t answer them yourself?”

I smile viciously. “Species?”

Again with the eye rolling and bitching. “Sweet mother of god, I’m an ‘Earth Pony’,” she says with no lack of sarcasm. “I mean, how do these asshats even get anything done? At least the pegasi can fuckin’ fly!”

Oh yay, she’s one of those. “Gender?”

In a move that should surprise me, but doesn’t (mainly given the number of times it’s happened in this office), she shoves her butt in my face and lifts her tail. “Gee I fuckin’ wonder!”

“Little bitch, got it,” I say sweetly. Well, as much as I can. Sour Sweet’s much better at feigning politeness.

“Oh you did not just-”

“Crime?”

She fumes for a second at being cut off. Then she throws herself back on the couch and goes off, “Well, we got kicked outta Equestria because Starswirl the Pussified decided we weren’t allowed to ‘make ponies feel bad and fight anymore’, whatever that means. So then we spent like a thousand years in humanland doin’ our thing, getting people to fight, bitch, moan, and all but kill each other- actually scratch that a couple people did kill each other- until the Twenty-First Century came around in that world and suddenly it’s all ‘safe spaces’ and ‘participation trophies’ and all our meal tickets dried up because we weren’t ‘PC’ enough. God, it was like living in Equestria again, but with more entitlement and a lot less food. So we found ourselves some Equestrian magic and tried to drink up enough to make our way back home with all our powers again, till we got Rainbow Rape Lasered into being… mortals,” she shuddered.

I write all of this down with the well-earned practice of dictating villainous rants. “Right. So why do you want to be reformed?”

She rolls back over onto her stomach lazily, and grunts something into the couch cushion.

“What?”

She props her head up. “I said… cause my sisters want me to. Sonata’s all about being the good girl now, since everybody just seems to hate us on principle. I mean, I’m used to it, but at least we could make them think they liked us. She’s… not used to all that hostility being directed at her, and she keeps going on and on about how bad she feels. And Adagio… well, Adagio was always about the positive attention. I mean sure, she could drive a guy to murder just like the rest of us, but she preferred having people worship and adore her. So now she’s trying to be all nice and sexy and stuff, without, y’know, inciting riots. Or wars. And they’re both on my case that we gotta do this ‘as a family’ and… and I don’t want them to leave me behind.”

My eyebrows say hello to my bangs for a second before returning to their post. “That was… surprisingly nonviolent. You know, besides the war and riots part.”

She laughs, a nostalgic expression crossing her features. “Yeah, I do kinda miss that. But now the humans have these things called ‘video games’ and I can blow shit up and kill people on TV without actually hurting anyone. It’s surprisingly cathartic. Plus everyone leaves me alone now. It’s almost… enjoyable.” She groans and flops onto her back again. “And apparently I gotta be a decent person so that when we all become adults I can keep doing all that and still hold down a ‘job’. Mortality sucks ass.”

“Yes, yes it does. Now, next question...”

--------------------------

The rest of Aria’s interview was rather easy, once she started actually answering the questions properly. I ushered her out of the office, and leaned my head out the door. “Next!”

I’m barely back to my chair before Cheesy Poof walks through the door and stretches herself out on the couch languidly. It’s like she’s expecting to be photographed for a porn magazine. Sugarcoat’s gonna love this chick.

“Name?”

“Oh honey, call me whatever you want,” she purrs.

“Cheesy Poof, got it,” I remark as I scribble the name down.

Her eyes widen as she frowns. “Ex-excuse me?”

“Species?”

She waves a hoof, sitting up straight and addressing me seriously. “No, wait, go back,” she says, taking a deep breath. “Ok, my name is Adagio Dazzle. I’m a unicorn. Now. I mean, I used to be a siren.”

“Ok,” I mutter. “Adagio Dazzle, unicorn. Sex?” I can’t help myself. I know she’s just gonna answer-

“Female.”

-wait what?

She raises an eyebrow at me. “What, did you expect me to say something like ‘Yes, please?’ Honey that joke is older than I am, and that’s saying a lot.”

Oh good she’s not stupid. “Fair enough. Ok, crimes?”

She thinks for a moment. “Before or after our banishment?”

“Yes.”

Adagio gives me an amused grin. “Oh, honey, I don’t think you have the time-”

I raise a hoof to cut her off. “I did Discord’s intake interview.”

Her eyebrows almost leave her face. “Oh. Well, ok then. Let’s see,” she start tapping her chin, counting them off, “Extortion, prostitution, accessory to murder, treason, treason, I think some more treason, assisted suicide, more prostitution, attempted matricide, slavery, slave trading, assault and battery, inciting a riot -multiple counts- prostitution again, attempted murder...” she trails off, watching me write.

It takes me maybe a second to catch up. “Is that all?”

She chuckles, “Oh honey, that’s pre-banishment. Now then, where was I? Oh yes, murder, prostitution some more, assassination, sodomy -which technically isn’t a crime anymore but it was back then, humans are weird- regicide, more murder, slavery when that became illegal, murder again, still more prostitution, violent protest, a few counts of assaulting an officer, lots of petty theft, and then we tried to brainwash a whole school in an attempt to regain our Equestrian magic and return home to our true forms.”

I scribble the last few notes into the proper categories. “Is that all?”

“That I can remember,” she says thoughtfully. “I doubt all of my arrest records even exist anymore.”

“Ok then,” I say, tapping my clipboard with a sigh. “And why do you want to be reformed?”

She gives me an amazingly sultry look. I have to remind myself I’m straight for a second. “Because you can catch more flies with honey, darling,” she purrs again.

I really have no problem believing all the prostitution charges now.

-----------------------------

Escorting Adagio out of my office at speed is more for my own sake than hers, as I fan myself with my own clipboard. She gives me a steamy look as she leaves, and I avoid eye contact. “Sonata!” I call, my voice cracking.

I have to stop myself watching her walk away as the pegasus zips into my office and tackles the couch cushions. Taking my own seat, I pull out another clipboard, sliding Dazzle’s into a tray on the wall. “Right, name?”

“Sonata Dusk,” she says firmly. She seems to be taking this seriously. Even cheerfully. Lemon was right, there’s something off about this girl.

“Species?”

She looks at her wings. “Well, I guess I’m a pegasus now, cause I used to be a siren, then a human. It gets all kinds of confusing.”

The sound of my pen fills the short silence. “Pegasus, ok. Gender?”

“Female,” she answers politely.

This should be pretty easy, actually. “Crimes?”

She takes a deep breath-

-----------------------

The cold wood of the bar feels great against my forehead, as my glass of whiskey shakes slightly in my telekinetic grip. I pull my head up just long enough to drain it, then set it down next to its fallen comrades. “Bartender!” I cry, waving my hoof again.

The bar is relatively empty at this time of day, so he gets to me pretty quickly. “Geez, Sunny. Usually you don’t start drinkin’ like this till Hearts and Hooves Day. Last time I saw you all liquored up at noon you’d done finished interviewing Discord.”

I stare wistfully at the wall. “Discord. Yeah… I miss him.”

“Lady I’m cuttin’ you off.”

Comments

[Nixxus Shadowblade]

I stare wistfully at the wall. “Discord. Yeah… I miss him.”

Bartender: Alright, yeah, you've had WAY too much

[MrAskAPirate]

Just so where clear Sonata, eating the last taco is technically not a crime,

[Seether00]

Sonata is the dangerous one

[Raistlin]

8426779

And considering how unfazed Sugarcoat was when Adagio mentioned her crimes, which included murder, slavery and matricide, well...

[Booster Spice]

If Sonata was doing what I think she was doing, given I can talk to my Dad about a single days occurances and run over teh phones hour limit without even trying, and my current record talking is over 7 hours, and online chat was I believe 75 hours, maybe 80, it was through teh weekend and I think I forgot to give up on Monday till it was night again. That was a very fuzzy week.

[EchoWing]

Well, at least they're being cooperative.

[BlueNinja]

This could only have been better if Discord popped into the bar at the end.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Poor Sunny. At least she doesn't have to talk to them for long in the future.

8426767
It is when the muscle's still attached to the minotaur.

[MrAskAPirate]

8428284
Minotacos.

I dig it,

[lazyreader19]

Fuck, that cutaway at the end...
<---- get used to this emoji, it's pretty much my default feeling at the end of one of these chapters now

[ShadowLDrago]

She raises an eyebrow at me. “What, did you expect me to say something like ‘Yes, please?’ Honey that joke is older than I am, and that’s saying a lot.”

She makes a fair point, there are some jokes that are just so bad you just don't bother.