The clop is good and romantic, but woah! Slow down, Maurice! Let their dialogue have some more time, and give some more details on events that took place and got them closer. Otherwise, this was noice!
interesting history and warm, romantic. the only thing I would recommend to you and to improve dialogue. it looks like you in high gear right from the start. It has a lot of potential and in fact, and I loved it.
8299377 that's funny because once my mom thought she was pregnant and went to the doctors for a test a few days later they call back and tell her "you are a little bit pregnant " my mom had that exact same response apparently it's due to they way they test for certain hormones and stuff and compare the results to a chart it turned out she had to get tested again and we found out that she was not but to this day she still cracks up about it
An example of how not to make a one-shot. As it has been said: bad pacing, progressed way too fast; cliche and poorly executed time skip really cheapened the fic; artificial romance.
8577088 You know, there is such a thing as being too negative. Maybe this story was rushed, but at least he tried to make an effort so don't put him down so much. He's learning.
Boo hoo. Yabuki will either pout or take it on the chin and move on. If I wanted to coddle Yabuki, I would say something like what you just said. "Oh, maybe it's a little bit rushed, but you really tried so it's ok.", that's some half-assed feedback. And if you think that was too negative then you should see what it looks like when I tear into a truly mediocre fic. Such mediocre fics I mostly don't bother ripping into anyway and this is far from mediocre. Subpar, yes. Mediocre, no. A lot of things wrong, but I still see some strong rays redemption peeking through the cracks.
And as you claim, Yabuki is learning. It's counterproductive tear into a subpar story by an author who is learning. It is normally wasteful of energy and time to tear into mediocre stories by an unrepentant, incompetent author.
You thought it would be all sunshine and rainbows? No! Take it on the chin. And seeing as how you're not the author of this story: stop being a white knight and get over it. If Yabuki feels a reply is necessary, then Yabuki will do so. Part of learning to be a good author is developing spine.
And besides all that, I've yet to read the sequels!
8579319 I will admit, I did rush these earlier fics when I was still a rookie, and even now, I've learned not to rush art, but you have to understand that not all of us are perfect, our work has both strengths and weaknesses, and the reason why I rushed it so much was because I was still trying to get use to writing clopfics, and there's a big difference from people who give real constructive critisism and those who just flat-out comment on how they hate it
8579348 Although I didn't say it, my understanding of imperfect authors is still implied there.
"It's counterproductive tear into a subpar story by an author who is learning. It is normally wasteful of energy and time to tear into mediocre stories by an unrepentant, incompetent author."
And I could have easily said more on why I disliked it, but it would just be a waste of time and energy. Doing so just devolves into pointless, pathetic bashing which has zero value. I kept it short, reiterated what was pointed out and made a point that it is an example of how not to do a one-shot.
I know it was published in the past. To say anymore beyond immediate relevance of the story would really be taking it into left field. If I haven't made it clear by now, I'll do it here: I'm not assuming this is your current capacity of authorship. I'm agreeing with you and I already understand this. It's unnecessary for me to state my judgement of whether or not you're "taking this on the chin" as the phrase goes because only you will truly know and that's that. I know I came off a bit terse and blunt in my initial comment and I've learned it's a good way to keep it simple and honest without overly complicating it especially since most of it is redundant now. I've been down the path of white knight, done my fair share of coddling, ruthless rippings, had enough of that bull, and that's why I made a brief comment on the story.
btw, I got your slight impregnation joke. Nice touch, but I feel it would be most effective in the actual story instead of the summary. Hey, story idea: Slightly Pregnant. A turn of the phrase, a double meaning created a drama/comedy fic involving an adolescent Applebloom and some other colt. Run with it, it's yours. I'm not making any pone fics anytime soon.
So, I'm currently reading the first sequel, though I'll have to finish it another day. I don't normally do reviews. Instead I give candid commentary as I go along and-at the point where I stopped-I demand a box of donuts for spotting oreos errors!
WHERE ARE MY OREOS?!I know you have them somewhere >_>
And I could have easily said more on why I disliked it, but it would just be a waste of time and energy. Doing so just devolves into pointless, pathetic bashing which has zero value.
Finding someone right for you was like finding a needle in a haystack. Today’s modern women only seek out guys who have brawn rather than brains. While you kept yourself in shape, you weren’t exactly buff. Perhaps they wanted to feel smarter or something. It didn’t matter to you anymore, this world was rotten to the core and the only thing that kept you from going insane were the books you loved to read and the sounds of the rippling water in the lake.
An intersesting read but the proper grammer and sentence structure makes it come off as forced and wonky. Grammer is a good thing but I'd suggest just relaxing a bit and writing as if you were telling this story in your own words rather than forcing perfection...
Well this story is a bit different when the first time i read it, and tbh this is my first read before im come to aware of the author and his editor
He may have a rough start as the first human, but in the up side, this is just the beginning, and a new chapter in equestria's history.
And i feel ya Beau, their are things on Earth that is never meant for some of us, but at lease good things come to you in time. even if some that is out of the ordinary.
Saying that there are hundreds of billions of humans is a really huge over statement. There are only about 7.7 billion humans as of this day. Does he come from a future where Earth is suffering massive over population?
“B-B-Blast it all! I s-s-should’ve tested the water out first!” you said, wrapping your arms around your body. After a few minutes, your body had started to get adjusted to the cold water and soon, you sighed and swam around in the lake, splashing around and diving underwater a few times, checking out the beautiful underwater life.
I like the fact I have the ability to see underwater.
In addition to not having any siblings, you didn’t have friends either. In your childhood, you were recognized as a natural prodigy and always made perfect grades in your subjects. It was kind of a disappointment as you seemed the schoolwork to be too easy and you were always expecting a greater challenge. However while you were always open to learning, you were never interested in taking time to build relationships with others.
I believe you ment to put deemed instead of seemed
Technically, Twilight's hair is midnight blue btw. Also, since Beau is the first human in Equestria, Lyra will be jumping in joy that a human exist and do a victory dance saying she is right all along.
This was way, way to fast and rushed at the beginning. Slow it down.
this was.......interesting
The clop is good and romantic, but woah! Slow down, Maurice! Let their dialogue have some more time, and give some more details on events that took place and got them closer. Otherwise, this was noice!
interesting history and warm, romantic. the only thing I would recommend to you and to improve dialogue. it looks like you in high gear right from the start.
It has a lot of potential and in fact, and I loved it.
I loved it. There aren't enough good Twilight stories in my opinion so I'm glad I found this!
8108260 Glad you enjoyed it
Not bad, a bit rushed but not bad!
8187129 Yeah, sorry about rushing it. Also, there's a clopfic reading of this on YouTube. Go ahead and check it out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nm60e0jw0I4
How can there be ‘slight impregnation’? It’s either you are or you aren’t.
8299377
that's funny because once my mom thought she was pregnant and went to the doctors for a test
a few days later they call back and tell her "you are a little bit pregnant "
my mom had that exact same response
apparently it's due to they way they test for certain hormones and stuff and compare the results
to a chart it turned out she had to get tested again and we found out that she was not
but to this day she still cracks up about it
Well Twilight ... I can try you out.
An example of how not to make a one-shot. As it has been said: bad pacing, progressed way too fast; cliche and poorly executed time skip really cheapened the fic; artificial romance.
It had promise, but went out of bounds.
8577088
You know, there is such a thing as being too negative. Maybe this story was rushed, but at least he tried to make an effort so don't put him down so much. He's learning.
8577598
😑
Boo hoo. Yabuki will either pout or take it on the chin and move on. If I wanted to coddle Yabuki, I would say something like what you just said. "Oh, maybe it's a little bit rushed, but you really tried so it's ok.", that's some half-assed feedback. And if you think that was too negative then you should see what it looks like when I tear into a truly mediocre fic. Such mediocre fics I mostly don't bother ripping into anyway and this is far from mediocre. Subpar, yes. Mediocre, no. A lot of things wrong, but I still see some strong rays redemption peeking through the cracks.
And as you claim, Yabuki is learning. It's counterproductive tear into a subpar story by an author who is learning. It is normally wasteful of energy and time to tear into mediocre stories by an unrepentant, incompetent author.
You thought it would be all sunshine and rainbows? No! Take it on the chin. And seeing as how you're not the author of this story: stop being a white knight and get over it. If Yabuki feels a reply is necessary, then Yabuki will do so. Part of learning to be a good author is developing spine.
And besides all that, I've yet to read the sequels!
"Waaaaah I got two downvotes!" - Not said by me.
8579319
I will admit, I did rush these earlier fics when I was still a rookie, and even now, I've learned not to rush art, but you have to understand that not all of us are perfect, our work has both strengths and weaknesses, and the reason why I rushed it so much was because I was still trying to get use to writing clopfics, and there's a big difference from people who give real constructive critisism and those who just flat-out comment on how they hate it
8579348
Although I didn't say it, my understanding of imperfect authors is still implied there.
And I could have easily said more on why I disliked it, but it would just be a waste of time and energy. Doing so just devolves into pointless, pathetic bashing which has zero value. I kept it short, reiterated what was pointed out and made a point that it is an example of how not to do a one-shot.
I know it was published in the past. To say anymore beyond immediate relevance of the story would really be taking it into left field. If I haven't made it clear by now, I'll do it here: I'm not assuming this is your current capacity of authorship. I'm agreeing with you and I already understand this. It's unnecessary for me to state my judgement of whether or not you're "taking this on the chin" as the phrase goes because only you will truly know and that's that. I know I came off a bit terse and blunt in my initial comment and I've learned it's a good way to keep it simple and honest without overly complicating it especially since most of it is redundant now. I've been down the path of white knight, done my fair share of coddling, ruthless rippings, had enough of that bull, and that's why I made a brief comment on the story.
btw, I got your slight impregnation joke. Nice touch, but I feel it would be most effective in the actual story instead of the summary. Hey, story idea: Slightly Pregnant. A turn of the phrase, a double meaning created a drama/comedy fic involving an adolescent Applebloom and some other colt. Run with it, it's yours. I'm not making any pone fics anytime soon.
So, I'm currently reading the first sequel, though I'll have to finish it another day. I don't normally do reviews. Instead I give candid commentary as I go along and-at the point where I stopped-I demand a box of donuts for spotting
oreoserrors!WHERE ARE MY OREOS?! I know you have them somewhere >_>
I still find myself chuckling whenever I read "hairless ape" in these stories.
8579366
What you mean exactly like your first comment.
The picture is actually killing me.
Needs a new cover
8874039
and a new cover is posted
Rewriting it?
8915282
yes
any thoughts on re-writing this?
its rather too fast paced but good a read nonetheless!
8309749
How the hell can someone be "a little pregnant"? How does that even WORK?
8939086
I know! I see tags like "slight impregnation". What is that? How can it be "slight"?!
8971065
If I had to guess, I think it means early pregnancy (3 months or less for instance).
An intersesting read but the proper grammer and sentence structure makes it come off as forced and wonky. Grammer is a good thing but I'd suggest just relaxing a bit and writing as if you were telling this story in your own words rather than forcing perfection...
In other words, you wish to reject their reality and substitute your own?
Fuck it, why not
Well this story is a bit different when the first time i read it, and tbh this is my first read before im come to aware of the author and his editor
He may have a rough start as the first human, but in the up side, this is just the beginning, and a new chapter in equestria's history.
And i feel ya Beau, their are things on Earth that is never meant for some of us, but at lease good things come to you in time. even if some that is out of the ordinary.
9603278
Warp fuckery!
Saying that there are hundreds of billions of humans is a really huge over statement. There are only about 7.7 billion humans as of this day. Does he come from a future where Earth is suffering massive over population?
9922239
he's just stating that there's a LOT of humans
I like the fact I have the ability to see underwater.
You do know that Twilight went to the human world too and she gets the experience as a human in Equestia girls right?
Plus, I thought Spike gained his wings on S8.
I believe you ment to put deemed instead of seemed
Technically, Twilight's hair is midnight blue btw. Also, since Beau is the first human in Equestria, Lyra will be jumping in joy that a human exist and do a victory dance saying she is right all along.