- Member Since 5th Oct, 2016
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Israel Yabuki
Canon x OC, that's my specialty, both in art and in MLP stories
Israel Yabuki
Joined 5th Oct, 2016 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Israel Yabuki · 12k words · 328 23 · 18k views
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This was way, way to fast and rushed at the beginning. Slow it down.
this was.......interesting
The clop is good and romantic, but woah! Slow down, Maurice! Let their dialogue have some more time, and give some more details on events that took place and got them closer. Otherwise, this was noice!
interesting history and warm, romantic. the only thing I would recommend to you and to improve dialogue. it looks like you in high gear right from the start.
It has a lot of potential and in fact, and I loved it.
I loved it. There aren't enough good Twilight stories in my opinion so I'm glad I found this!
8108260 Glad you enjoyed it
Not bad, a bit rushed but not bad!
8187129 Yeah, sorry about rushing it. Also, there's a clopfic reading of this on YouTube. Go ahead and check it out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nm60e0jw0I4
How can there be ‘slight impregnation’? It’s either you are or you aren’t.
8299377
that's funny because once my mom thought she was pregnant and went to the doctors for a test
a few days later they call back and tell her "you are a little bit pregnant "
my mom had that exact same response
apparently it's due to they way they test for certain hormones and stuff and compare the results
to a chart it turned out she had to get tested again and we found out that she was not
but to this day she still cracks up about it
Well Twilight ... I can try you out.
An example of how not to make a one-shot. As it has been said: bad pacing, progressed way too fast; cliche and poorly executed time skip really cheapened the fic; artificial romance.
It had promise, but went out of bounds.
8577088
You know, there is such a thing as being too negative. Maybe this story was rushed, but at least he tried to make an effort so don't put him down so much. He's learning.
8577598
😑
Boo hoo. Yabuki will either pout or take it on the chin and move on. If I wanted to coddle Yabuki, I would say something like what you just said. "Oh, maybe it's a little bit rushed, but you really tried so it's ok.", that's some half-assed feedback. And if you think that was too negative then you should see what it looks like when I tear into a truly mediocre fic. Such mediocre fics I mostly don't bother ripping into anyway and this is far from mediocre. Subpar, yes. Mediocre, no. A lot of things wrong, but I still see some strong rays redemption peeking through the cracks.
And as you claim, Yabuki is learning. It's counterproductive tear into a subpar story by an author who is learning. It is normally wasteful of energy and time to tear into mediocre stories by an unrepentant, incompetent author.
You thought it would be all sunshine and rainbows? No! Take it on the chin. And seeing as how you're not the author of this story: stop being a white knight and get over it. If Yabuki feels a reply is necessary, then Yabuki will do so. Part of learning to be a good author is developing spine.
And besides all that, I've yet to read the sequels!
"Waaaaah I got two downvotes!" - Not said by me.
8579319
I will admit, I did rush these earlier fics when I was still a rookie, and even now, I've learned not to rush art, but you have to understand that not all of us are perfect, our work has both strengths and weaknesses, and the reason why I rushed it so much was because I was still trying to get use to writing clopfics, and there's a big difference from people who give real constructive critisism and those who just flat-out comment on how they hate it
8579348
Although I didn't say it, my understanding of imperfect authors is still implied there.
And I could have easily said more on why I disliked it, but it would just be a waste of time and energy. Doing so just devolves into pointless, pathetic bashing which has zero value. I kept it short, reiterated what was pointed out and made a point that it is an example of how not to do a one-shot.
I know it was published in the past. To say anymore beyond immediate relevance of the story would really be taking it into left field. If I haven't made it clear by now, I'll do it here: I'm not assuming this is your current capacity of authorship. I'm agreeing with you and I already understand this. It's unnecessary for me to state my judgement of whether or not you're "taking this on the chin" as the phrase goes because only you will truly know and that's that. I know I came off a bit terse and blunt in my initial comment and I've learned it's a good way to keep it simple and honest without overly complicating it especially since most of it is redundant now. I've been down the path of white knight, done my fair share of coddling, ruthless rippings, had enough of that bull, and that's why I made a brief comment on the story.
btw, I got your slight impregnation joke. Nice touch, but I feel it would be most effective in the actual story instead of the summary. Hey, story idea: Slightly Pregnant. A turn of the phrase, a double meaning created a drama/comedy fic involving an adolescent Applebloom and some other colt. Run with it, it's yours. I'm not making any pone fics anytime soon.
So, I'm currently reading the first sequel, though I'll have to finish it another day. I don't normally do reviews. Instead I give candid commentary as I go along and-at the point where I stopped-I demand a box of donuts for spotting
oreoserrors!WHERE ARE MY OREOS?! I know you have them somewhere >_>
I still find myself chuckling whenever I read "hairless ape" in these stories.
8579366
What you mean exactly like your first comment.
The picture is actually killing me.
Needs a new cover
8874039
and a new cover is posted
We’re along way from Equestria
Rewriting it?
8915282
yes
8915683
K.
I like it but I love it the way it was before lol :)
I have a question are you going to rewrite all the stories or just this one
But other than that great story
8929924
mostly it's the Mane 6. I felt like I rushed a couple of the stories so NineTailBeastBoy and I are going to re-write the stories and make them a little bit longer and more enjoyable
any thoughts on re-writing this?
its rather too fast paced but good a read nonetheless!
Great story bro
Rarity’s story out of the mane six was longest you have writter with two chapters.
i hope for a sequel there's lots of good stuff to expand on
I'm just curious but will the humans meet most of the families of the Mane 6? (Twilight, RD, Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy) I only ask because of all the fics only one has a family meeting the human
8931420
Good point there. I'll see to it that the other humans meet the Mane 6's families
8931494
that's totally awesome, do you have more fic(s) planned or not sure yet?
8932522
yes, after the Mane 6 are finished, I'm proceeding with some newer anthro waifu stories. But, I'm not sure whether to make Gilda or Daring Do the next story to write, so I leave it up for you guys to decide
I'm going to be honest. I preferred the story as one chapter.
8936935
I can respect that.
8309749
How the hell can someone be "a little pregnant"? How does that even WORK?
If only it were that easy...
8939086
I know! I see tags like "slight impregnation". What is that? How can it be "slight"?!
8971065
Exactly! It makes no sense!
Adorably cheesy. Love it. Thanks for creating and sharing.
8971065
If I had to guess, I think it means early pregnancy (3 months or less for instance).
Genus...WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE ORIGINAL ONE!!!!!
9138383
The original one felt rushed and I felt like the main character was too Gary Stu-ish, so my editor and I re-made it.
Uh... this dose not make any sense.
9138499
What I mean to say is when I first wrote this story on my own, the whole story seemed flawed. The character was too perfect, like he didn't freak out in the beginning, not even when he first encountered Twilight when he arrived. The whole love at first sight thing just didn't seem to fit well and the automatic one month time skip in that one chapter felt like it was too ill-timed on my part. My editor and I decided to re-write the whole story and make it three chapters long like my other latest anthro wiafu stories. This way, their human lovers and the ponies can build a steady relationship and try to get to know one another
But what about the timelines?
9139362
I'll make sure the timelines are fixed when I re-edit the Anthro Waifu special later on. But after that, the rest of the Anthro Waifu stories will remain the same so you don't have to worry about anymore changes.