Mistakes Were Made
Luna
This very strange day had only become stranger.
I dove towards the giant hole in the ground that had formed on the periphery of the Crystal Empire. Spiders, larger than any three ponies put together, crawled out as a vast swarm towards the city. Atop each of them sat a single mushroom covered in protective armor. Each of them was a different color beneath their armor, and tentacle-like appendages held onto the reins of the spiders and hoisted spears as they urged their mounts forward.
An invasion then, though the invaders were not anyone I knew of. It seemed that even a being as old as myself still had many things yet to see. A shame so many of those things also presented a danger to the ponies under my protection. If it was not some old foe threatening to conquer Equestria, it was a new one. Whatever the case might be, I could not imagine that these … things were here with noble intentions.
A scream echoed from the streets beneath me, interrupting my ruminations. I tucked my wings to hurry my descent, and quickly came upon a trio of ponies in a market square, surrounded by the invaders and backed up against a fountain. One of the ponies had even been caught in a small web and was half-stuck to the fountain. The Crystal Guard had been working hard to evacuate everypony to safety, but it seemed they had missed a few despite their best efforts. Little surprise, considering the chaos facing the city.
I stopped above the market square, the sky darkening around as I drew upon my magic. Thunder boomed and lightning flashed as I addressed them with the full volume and fury of the Royal Canterlot Voice. “CRETINS! CEASE YOUR INVASION OR FACE MY WRATH! RELEASE MY SUBJECTS, AND RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, OR I WILL FEAST ON MUSHROOMS FOR MY NEXT MEAL!”
The mushrooms hesitated, not moving any further forward in face of my majesty. I wondered if another such display of power might be needed when one of the mushroom soldiers shrieked something and jabbed its spear in my direction. The spiders all spun to face away from me, and as one, fired a stream of webbing from their thoraxes.
I was already in motion by the time they fired. I transformed into a midnight blue, star-fill cloud and dodged my way through the sticky web. Once I was beyond the immediate threat I returned to my material form. “SO BE IT!”
I went on the attack. The creatures of the night heeded my call, and swarms of bats, rats, and ravens poured into the square, eliciting shrieks from the sapient mushrooms and their spiders quickly found themselves surrounded. Next, I singled out the mushroom who had directed the others, that one likely being an officer or some sort of leader. A lightning bolt shot from my horn and struck the mushroom’s mount, sending large, burned chunks of spider all about the market square.
I fired thrice more, weaving about their retaliatory webbing, and three more of the spider mounts died in explosive fashion. I was almost surprised when the mushrooms turned their mounts around and scattered in all directions, either along the streets or by scaling the walls and roofs of the city as they retreated. Even the mushrooms whose mounts had been slain crawled away from the skirmish as quickly as they could.
For all their numbers and the suddenness of their attack, they seemed to have little stomach for a fight. Or mayhaps it was merely my own presence that had driven them away. I have had that effect on Equestria’s enemies in the past.
I carefully watched their retreat to ensure they were not feinting. No small part of me wished to pursue them, but my goal at that moment was to protect the city’s inhabitants, not chase down and finish off the enemy laying siege to it. Not yet, in any event.
Seeing that mine enemy had been driven off for now, I hovered down to the street to address the ponies whom I had saved. To my mild surprise, the trio were ponies I knew well. “Fair Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Noble Applejack, I trust you are all well?”
Applejack and Rarity bowed before me, and Applejack was the first to speak up. “Better now that yer here. We were in a mighty tight spot before you showed up.”
Rarity nodded in agreement. “Oh yes, even if the help was, um...” She winced as some rats crawled next her hooves and a pair of bats swooped in low near us. “Unexpected, I’ll say.”
“You are most welcome,” I said, willing the creatures of the night to harass the mushrooms in their retreat. They followed after the mushrooms as one, though for some reason Applejack and Rarity frowned at the progression of the swarm. Sometimes I just did not understand my subjects.
“I’d be fine if I could get out of this web!” Rainbow Dash groused, struggling against the webbing that held her in place with the market square fountain. For her efforts, she only became even more entwined in the webbing.
“Be still for one moment and I will free you.” A blue mist flowed out of my horn and froze the offending web solid. Rainbow’s limbs jerked once more and the webbing snapped and broke away, letting her hover in the air.
“Way better.” Rainbow Dash brushed off the remaining web. “I was kicking their butts until this web showed up out of nowhere.”
Applejack frowned at her friend. “Ya mean you weren’t payin’ attention when we were fightin’ them varmints and ya flew right into their web?”
“No, they totally cheated,” Rainbow Dash insisted. “It’s not fair when they outnumber us and use a cheap trick like that.”
Rarity cleared her throat. “Maybe we could worry about the specifics when we’re safely back in the palace? This hardly seems the best place for an argument.”
I readily agreed with Rarity, though I had a couple questions before I sent them to safety. “What brought you to here of all place? You were all in the palace when last I left you.”
“And we’d still be there if Twilight didn’t need us to get something for her,” Rarity answered, gagging as she tried to pull a strand of web from her mane.
Applejack nodded and pulled a vase out of her saddlebags. Made out of green marble, the vase was covered in intricate and complex arcane runes. “Twi sent us to get this out of some dead bigwig crystal pony’s tomb.”
Rainbow Dash grinned fiercely. “Yeah, turns out the place was full of traps and puzzles that we had to beat before we could get that vase thing.” She all but vibrated with excitement as she let out a girlish squeal. “It was just like a Daring Do novel. It was. So. Awesome! You should have been there!”
“I could have done without the spike traps and fire, personally.” Rarity frowned as she looked back at her tail, which had apparently lost its tip to flames. “Ugh, I’m going to need the deluxe special at the spa after all of this.”
They all certainly had the appearance of ponies that had been on an adventure: dirty, bruised, and weary, but at they least seemed whole and healthy. That much was good. “And I take it you were attacked on your way back to the palace?”
“Pretty much,” Applejack confirmed as she put the vase back in her saddlebags. “There was an earthquake, an’ next thing we knew we were being ran down by those big ol’ spiders.”
“It was absolutely dreadful.” Rarity shiver and hunched her shoulders. “I simply detest spiders. The small ones back at home are more than big enough for me. I don’t need to see any big enough to be ridden.”
Rainbow Dash crossed her legs over her chest. “Whatever about the big dumb spiders. We need to get back to Twilight.”
“Indeed you should,” I agreed, “You concentrate on what is to be done next. No doubt Twilight has some use for that vase, and it would be best if you get it to her as soon as possible.” Hopefully whatever plan Twilight had to prevent my great niece from being possessed would work. “Do you require an escort back to the palace, or do you think you can get there on your own?”
“Ah think we’ll be fine,” Applejack said. “At least as long as we don’t have anymore of those spider ridin’ mushrooms or them darned toys to worry about.”
“I will see to these new invaders,” I informed them. “You concentrate on your own mission.” They had always proven capable enough over their many adventures, so I did not worry too much about leaving them to their own devices.
Rarity nodded. “Sounds good to me. Though do be careful.” Her nose wrinkled up in disgust as she glanced at a nearby web. “I’d hate for anything to happen to you, Your Highness.”
I smiled confidently, heartened by her concern for her princess. “Do not worry yourselves. I am more than capable of taking care of myself. Now off with you.” With that, I turned turned to face the hole at the edge of the city and considered how best to proceed.
Rarity and Applejack bowed before moving to leave, but their friend Rainbow Dash was not quite so quick. “But what do you plan on doing?”
I grinned and spread my wings. “I plan on meeting with the leaders of these toadies.”
Shining Armor
I had a sneaking feeling that I had made a terrible decision. I sat in the royal box of the Crystal Colosseum as the doomsday cultists Fluffy Cake and Sunshine Rainbow argued endlessly over theology. Each of them stood at their own podium becoming increasingly blue in the face, and I was relatively sure that the only reason each was still upright was out of spite for the other.
Fluffy Cakes flipped through his papers and cleared his throat. “And if you read the third paragraph of page three hundred and forty-eight of the prophecy of Logbottom the Depressed, you will see that my interpretation of how events will turn out today are correct.”
Sunshine Rainbow slammed a hoof on her podium and her lips peeled back in a fierce scowl. “Logbottom was a idiot who sat around his swamp all day getting high on whatever he could find. Cherryblossom the Morose used far more modern and precise methods which produced far more accurate results.”
“How dare you insult Logbottom! I’ll make you suffer for that!” Fluffy’s horn lit as he prepared a spell, but I cast a shield dome over him.
“Hey!” I yelled, narrowing my eyes at Fluffy. “What did I say about casting spells or fighting?”
Fluffy grumbled something under his breath as his horn went out. “I was merely shuffling through my papers, is all.”
I swear, Twily’s farmer friend was a con artist compared to this guy. “You can shuffle your papers without threatening Sunshine,” I warned him. He had tried this twice before, and I was really getting sick of this. This whole situation made me think back to the times Mom and Dad had to settle things between me and Twily back when we were kids. It also made me worry about what was to come should Cadey and I ever give Flurry a sibling. Everything about this just added to my already substantial headache.
Starlight stepped up into the booth. “They've been going at this for a while, haven't they?”
“Hours.” I nodded to the guards flanking me to allow Starlight to step closer.
She stepped to the railing of the royal box and listened to ... whatever new tangent the cultist leaders had gone off on. Promises, rewards, prophecies, virtues … the only virtue running through my head right now was the prospect of tossing myself from the highest tower in the Crystal Palace. “Geeze, looks like this bunch are really splitting hairs over dogma.”
I grunted unhappily. “They spent two hours arguing whether my daughter was the apocalypse, or of the apocalypse. I still don’t have a clue what the difference is, though that might just be because it’s gotten to the point that everything is going in one ear and out the other.”
“Something I'm sure you were thrilled about.”
“That’s putting it mildly,” I said. “If I could, I would have whacked them all over the head and dragged them to the nearest prison cell an hour ago.”
Starlight’s eyes fell on the slowly cooling cup besides me. “That would explain the black coffee you're drinking.”
“I need help not falling asleep and pretending I care.” I yawned as I was reminded of my fatigue. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a good eight hours of sleep. The lack of sleep was probably the cause of that.
Starlight raised one of her eyebrow. “So I'm going to guess you didn't send for me to get you another cup of caffeine?”
I sighed and rubbed my forehead in what was probably a hopeless attempt to alleviate my headache. I wasn’t exactly thrilled about asking Starlight what I was about to, and Twily probably wasn’t going to be happy with me when she found out what I was getting her student’s help for, but I was running out of options. “I need an expert on cults, and you're the best I have on hoof.”
Starlight smiled, though it seemed forced at the edges—like a private trying to convince his sergeant that he hadn’t screwed up when he most certainly had. “I did run a cult for a while.”
“Exactly.” I wasn’t exactly thrilled with Twily’s latest reform project with Starlight. Especially when she invited the former crazy cult leader who broke the Map of Harmony in some insane scheme to get back at my sister in her own home. That could only generously be called a security risk, and all my protective big brother instincts screamed for me to pack Starlight up into a crate and ship her off far, far away to a penal colony. But, how Starlight was to be dealt with was ultimately Twily’s call, and right now, I needed Starlight’s advice. As it was often said in the Guard, you use the tools you have, not the ones you want.
Starlight rubbed her chin as she looked over the bickering cultists. “So what do you want done with them?”
“Just ... make them stop being crazy and causing problems.” I finished my coffee off, needing as much energy I could get for this conversation. “I’ve got something in the works to deal with these two, but it’s going to take time to arrange and I need to stall them until it’s ready. The problem is that this conclave of theirs is a bubbling cauldron. I’ve already had to break up half a dozen fights just between those two, and their followers aren’t any better. My guards have caught their followers trying to poison each, summoning a monster in one of the restrooms, and generally just getting into hooffights.”
Starlight hummed to herself. “You're probably not going to have much luck with the crazy, but I think there might be a way to stop them from being a problem.”
I could all but hear the wheels turning Starlight’s head. It wasn’t a comforting sensation. “I'm listening.”
Starlight waved to the cultist leaders. “They're already suffering a schism. Why not wedge those differences to create a bigger divide? You might even be able to break this cult up into smaller and more manageable chunks.”
I frowned as I saw a issue with that idea. “Problem if you do that is that instead of just dealing with two dangerous cult groups, we could end up with a dozen that’ll all end up fighting one another. The city’s got enough damage to clean up from already. Spike was pretty crushed over what happened to his statue.” Needless to say, Cadey wouldn’t be happy with me if I let that happen, and I didn’t need my first real eight hours of sleep to be on a couch.
“Hm.” Starlight crossed her arms over her chest in thought. Her lips spread into a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I have an idea! We can introduce a competing belief system that isn't so aimed at ending the world?”
“Dare I ask?” I had a feeling I might be in danger of getting sucked into a bad idea. It was a sensation I knew pretty well. Twily was a genius, but sometimes she was too smart for her own good and every now and again her ideas would cause ... complications.
Starlight let out a frustrated groan and jabbed her hoof at the milling cultists standing around the colosseum floor. “Look, most of these ponies just want to believe in something. They think there’s something missing in their lives, and they want to fill that hole in their lives. They want to belong to something bigger than themselves—to believe in something greater than them. Right now it's some stupid doomsday cult. But I guarantee you that hole in their lives can be fill with something more...” She waved her hoof as she searched for the right word. “Productive, we’ll say.”
Everything she said seemed to make sense, in its own weird way. It at least lined up with everything I knew about cults, though it didn’t make me feel all that much better knowing that this was all something Starlight had exploited in the past—against my own little sister, no less. I buried the temptation to do something untowards to Starlight for taking Twily’s cutie mark and locking her up in a makeshift prison, and instead asked, “What exactly did you have in mind?”
The former cult leader’s smile widened, and I could hear her confidence grow as she spoke. “I can go down there and introduce a competing set of beliefs that can undermine the power base of those two arguing knuckleheads. There’s bound to be ponies in the rank and file I can pull away from them, and from there I can convince them to do something less destructive than trying to bring an end to Equestria.”
“Wait.” My eyes narrowed as I turned my full attention to Starlight. “You're planning to start your own cult?”
Her smile strained. “Well ... yes. But hear me out! I can’t leave this to somepony else, they might mess it up. I mean, do you think any of your soldiers could pull this off? They don’t have the right training or experience. And I am the most qualified to do this. I’ve done all of this before—but now I’m doing it for a good cause.”
“Are you sure that's a good idea?” I asked, feeling dubious about the idea.
Starlight scoffed at me. “How could a coldly calculating cult with an entirely artificial set of beliefs intended to manipulate a bunch of desperate fools be any worse than the one you're currently dealing with?”
I wrapped my arms over my chest and scowled at her. “Considering your history?”
“I'm not starting a serious cult. This isn't anything like the equalized town.” Starlight rolled her eyes, then met my gaze as her tone became much more serious. “Besides, do you want these cultists to use your daughter for their crazy doomsday schemes?”
I clinched my jaw. These madponies using Flurry for anything was about the last thing I was ever going to let happen. “Alright, but be careful not to go overboard. I don’t want to have to explain to Cadey and Twily that I let you do something we’ll all regret.”
This time Starlight’s smile didn’t lose any of its luster. “Trust me, I know exactly what I'm doing. It's why you had me come over, right?”
“This wasn’t what I had in mind.” Now that I thought about it, Twily might get just a little bit mad at me for this. But I was already in a little too deep to just pull out now—not with the limited options I had available right at the minute.
“And this is why you got yourself a professional consultant: I know these things.” She patted me on the shoulder. “Look, I've got this. And my plan has to be better than listening to hours of these ponies arguing.”
“Okay, fine. But I’m gonna keep an eye on you.” As soon as this meeting was over, I was going to tell my guards to do their best to make sure she didn’t get up to anything she shouldn’t... More so than she already was with my permission.
“Good, because you're going to watch a master at at work,” Starlight said, sauntering her way out of the royal box.
I rubbed at my face and said under my breath, “That's what I'm worried about.”
Luna
An invasion of mushroom people was not something I had expected to face this day. The giant spider cavalry only added to the queerness of situation. I suspected I would discover yet more oddities before this madness was over.
I had descended into the hole as nothing more than a mist, slipping between crevices, boulders, and shadows to remain hidden from the sentries who guarded the mouth of a vast cavern dug underneath the Crystal Empire, easily as large as a respectable town. Enchanted gems on narrow braziers scattered about illuminated the area. The mushroom people directed giant and apparently domesticated shrew-like creatures as they expanded the hole and pushed debris out to the way. Why the tunnel had been dug was not hard to guess.
Near the hole stood rank upon rank of ironclad mushroom soldiers and spider cavalry, all ready to move forward at the command of their leaders. I had led enough armies to recognize a fielding force. The force I had routed on the surface were only their scouts or vanguards.
They intended to invade the Crystal Empire. The greater question was why. Mayhaps they merely hoped to take advantage of the chaos on the surface to annex territory, but something about that rang false to me. An undertaking of this scale would require time and planning to put into motion. Assuming these salient mushrooms acted anything like ponies, coin was needed to be collected to pay for their army, soldiers recruited and trained, and a wealth of supplies and weapons gathered and moved into position. All of that would have taken far longer than the recent troubles with Flurry Heart would have allowed for.
Whatever the truth of the matter, I intended to get to the bottom of it. I continued to move deeper into the enemy camp, unseen and silent as a whisper thanks to centuries of practice with illusions and the art of stealth. I tried to listen to the steady chittering and shrieking speech of the mushrooms, but it was unlike any language I had ever encountered before. Even my translation spells failed to decipher whatever they were saying.
So instead, I paid careful attention to which mushrooms talked to one another, who looked important, and where they went. Some of the mushrooms did indeed seem much more finely dressed than others—the ones that struck me as more important than their fellows wore what I believed to be spidersilk, adorned themselves with gems and precious metals, and even seemed to carry themselves with a proud gait that reminded me of some of the stuffier nobles in Canterlot’s court.
Those important-looking mushrooms led me further into the camp, to what I believed to be my goal. I darted underneath a cart and examined the large tent they entered. Made of blue spidersilk, the structure was larger and more richly adorned than any other nearby. It was at least worthwhile to scout out, and if it had who I hoped it had within...
I slowly approached the tent, moving only when none of the mushrooms seemed to be watching—a somewhat difficult task, considering I wasn't even sure how they saw. Still, I got up the tent with no one seeming the wiser. Once within the tent’s shadow, I sensed for any magic placed on it. I detected several wards against scrying and against anyone attempting to sneak into the tent invisibly, but no actual defenses against intruders. That made enough sense if this was indeed a command tent; preventing others from magically spying on one’s meetings was only sensible, but a ward intended to incinerate intruders to the tent were liable to accidently destroy some hapless visitor.
I slowly slid under the tent in my shadow form. What I saw inside pleased me: standing around a table were half a dozen important-looking mushroom people. Each one seemed to be dressed in finery in the form of silken robes, precious metals and gems, and were all busily chirping their strange language.
The one who drew my attention wore an ornate circlet of gold around his head—a crown, albeit one fitted for the rather unique physiology. Between its garb and the fact it sat on a cushion that raised it higher than any of its fellows, I surmised this was the leader of this army threatening the Crystal Empire.
What I was about to do was a risk, but these were not the times for timidity.
I closed behind the mushroom leader and, taking a moment to absorb my surroundings, reformed into my corporeal form. Before any of them could react, I cast a summoning spell and retrieved a scythe from my collection of weapons. The black blade wooshed through the air before resting against the stem of the leader, stopping short of actually breaking the skin. The scythe wasn't the most wieldy of weapons—unless facing an army of wheat, something I wouldn’t rule out at this point—but it looked quite intimidating, especially when wielded in earnest.
I scowled down at mine enemies, my voice echoing through the tent. “I have captured your leader. I suggest none of you do anything untowards lest you wish to see what your fellow looks like in two pieces.” After a moment I added, “Also if you had some means by which we could communicate, I would appreciate it.”
Seconds ticked by as the mushrooms froze in place. Then the leader started flailing, its tentacle appendages wildly. It screeched loudly enough that I had to flatten my ears against my head. Everyone else in the room scurried back to the other side of the tent, and one of the mushroom shrieked and fled altogether. The leader jabbed a tentacle in the direction of one of its cowering fellows. The mushroom reached inside of a small bag.
I pressed the scythe closer to the leaders stem, fixing the mushroom with a fierce glower. “Slowly, cretin. Otherwise something unfortunate will happen.” For my trouble, the leader only screeched louder.
Seemingly understanding the meaning of my message, the mushroom very slowly withdrew a large ruby from its bag and held it up for me. It started glowing, and I felt an aura fall over the interior of the tent. Then a voice spoke Equestrian. “The translation gem is wor—”
“Please don’t kill me!” the leader screeched, interrupting its fellow. “I’m too rich to die! I’ll pay you a king’s ransom to let me go, just don’t hurt me!”
This was not what I quite expected out of the leader of a foreign power trying to conquer the Crystal Empire, but I recovered quickly. “I am Princess Luna, Steward of the Moon and Co-Ruler of Equestria—the nation whose land you have invaded, if you did not know. Are you the one responsible for leading this army?”
The leader stood stock still before hesitantly replying. “Which answer is less likely to result in you killing me?”
I scowled and brushed my blade against the mushroom's skin. “The truth.” There was a great deal I wished to learn, and this might be my best chance to get answers. The others seemed in no rush to move at the very least, though it might only be a matter of time before I had a whole army coming down on my head. All the more reason to hurry.
“Okay, okay! Don't do anything hasty!” the leader blurted. “I’m Hard Exchange, High Executive Administrator of the Fungerengi Consortium, and I'm the one in charge here. Just please don't chop me in half! I make the big decisions but I don’t actually do anything! I barely even understand what’s going on around me! I’m so wrapped up in decadence and hedonism that I’m almost completely divorced from reality! Don’t blame me!”
“Enough with your sniveling,” I growled. “Your begging irritates me. Have you no pride as the leader of your people?”
“I'm no warrior!” Exchange said with what I believed to be indignation. “None of us are. We’re a peaceful people!”
I glowered at the obvious lie. “Peaceful? Is that why you launched an unprovoked war against us?”
“What?!” Exchange sputtered. “You've forced this war on us, and now we defend ourselves as best as we are able!”
One of my eyebrows raised. “‘Forced this war on you’? What do you mean? We did not even know you existed until you emerged from the earth to invade the Crystal Empire.”
“You know why!” the Executive Administrator accused. “Flurrygeddon is upon us, threatening to bring about the end of the world! Flurry Heart, Bringer of Eternal Winter, She Whose Screams Break the Heart, Herald of Destruction and Recessions, Demonrider, and the Breaker of Economies has been born and threatens us all! Our financial forecast farseers have foreseen nothing but disaster. Do you have any idea what the end of the world is going to do to our third quarter profit margin?!”
“My financial portfolio!” one of the finely dressed mushrooms screamed as it fell over. Whether it had merely fainted or died I could only guess, though in either case the others did not seem overly concerned about their fellow.
Before I could reply, Exchange jabbed a tentacle in my direction. “We sent ambassadors to try and warn you about Flurry, and now it’s almost too late. We had no choice but to raise an army to stop you. We even had to levy...” The Consortium leader shuttered. “Taxes.”
I frowned as I thought over what I had just been told. “What ambassadors? Neither I or my sister have received any ambassadors.” Ambassadors from a people we had never seen before would have caused no little fanfare in Equestria, and it would certainly have been brought to my attention.
Exchange’s tentacles slowed in their movements. “But our Chief Foreign Trade Officer, Busy Dealings, said that you rejected our overtures—that you welcomed the end of the world.”
“We most certainly did not.” My brow furrowed as I detected duplicity in the air. “We would have taken any such warning seriously, and would have accepted any help offered in good faith.”
“And what about the magical disruptions focused on Flurry?” the Executive Administrator asked.
I chose my words carefully, knowing this was now a delicate matter. “They are indeed dangerous, but we are attempting to stop them. Though your invasion is distracting us from preventing my great niece from being possessed by some foul demon.”
Something like a growl rolled from Exchange, and one of his tentacles jabbed in the direction of one of the mushrooms across the tent, this one wearing a fine black robe. “And what do you have to say about this, Busy?”
“She lies!” Busy cried out. “This is all a trick to slow us down from stopping them!”
I glared at the elusive mushroom. “If I merely intended to slow your invasion then all I would have had to do was slay everyone in this tent. The sudden death of so many of your Consortium’s leaders would cause chaos in your ranks and damage morale—especially if your people are no warriors, as you claim.”
One of the other mushroom’s spoke next, sliding away from Busy as it did so. “This pony has already shown her ability to rout our scouts, and has even snuck into our command tent.”
“Don’t tell me you’re going to believe her over me,” Busy scoffed. “You can’t trust these ponies. Just look at them: all that weird body hair, those creepy big eyes of theirs, and their collectivist concept of friendship.” It shivered in revulsion.
“I suggest you be careful about who you declare a liar,” I warned. “I do not take kindly to my honor being questioned in such a manner. Especially under such dire circumstances.”
Exchange’s tentacles started twitching in irritation. “I think it’s becoming pretty obvious who is the liar here, Busy. It seems that plucky group of adventurers were right about you all along. It’s all true isn’t it? You really did start this war so that you could make a profit by investing in war industries.”
“And what if I did?” Busy demanded. “What’re you going to do about it?”
My head shifted from looking between the two arguing Consortium leaders. “Is that what all of this is about? War profiteering? We are looking at an apocalypse and you are more concerned with making money?!”
“Profit is everything!” Busy declared. “And I’ve made a fortune with this war. We don’t even have to go through with it for all I care. I’ve already made a killing.”
Exchange was all but vibrating with anger. “I should have you punished for this, Busy!”
Busy crossed its tentacles over its chest. Stem. Front. “You’re welcome to try, but there isn’t a high auditor in the Consortium I can’t bribe now. I’m untouchable.”
Exchange’s tentacles stopped moving and then fell to its sides. “You’re right, damn you. I can’t punish you, so I’m going to have to do something far worse.”
“What could you possibly do to me?” Busy chortled.
I was tempted to do something about the dastardly mushroom, but I decided to see how the Consortium handled its internal business. It would give insight in how they did things, in any event.
“The only thing I can do,” Exchange stated. “Promote you.”
Busy took a long moment to reply. “You wouldn’t...”
The High Executive Administrator of the Fungerengi Consortium drew itself up—as best it could with my scythe pressed against it—and spoke with a commanding voice. “Congratulations Busy Dealings, you’re being promoted to Chief Executive Vice President of Internal External Developmental Regulatory Affairs.”
“No, nooo!” Busy fell before us. “You can’t kick me upstairs!”
“As majority stockholder of the Consortium, it’s well within my rights to promote you,” Exchange said solemnly.
“That position doesn’t even mean anything! I’ll just be sitting in my office doing nothing important all day. Why don’t you just kill me? At least then it will be quick!”
“I’m sorry, Busy, but you leave me no choice. Auditors!” A pair of mushrooms wearing armor shuffled into the tent. “Take our newest Chief Executive Vice President to his office and throw away the key. I’ll see to it that gets some pointless paperwork to keep him busy later.”
“Yes your Corporatorialness,” the auditors answered in unison, taking positions on either side of Busy.
“Also, have Grinding and his merry band of accountants freed,” Exchange continued. “We should have listened them from the start when they warned us about Busy. See to it that they’re given a bonus and an apology basket of exotic butters—no, make that a thank-you basket. We don’t want it to sound like we made a mistake.”
“Of course, your Gross Profitableness.” The auditors bowed and dragged the limp form of the new Chief Executive Vice President out of the tent.
Once Busy was gone, Exchange addressed me. “I’m terribly sorry you had to see such an ugly thing done, Your Highness, but I’m afraid tough times demand tough measures.”
“It is ... quite alright, Executive Administrator.” In truth, I was still figuring out what to make of the strange scene I had just witnessed. The Consortium’s ways were quite different than what I was accustomed to and it likely would take time to fully understand them. “It is my hope that you will at least stop your army from invading my realm?”
“Of course,” Exchange agreed. “Obviously this was all one big misunderstanding. I hope we can put this ugly business behind us, and perhaps ... make a trade treaty once the current crisis is over?”
“I think that is a possibility.” A grin worked its way to my lips and I brushed the edge of my scythe along Exchange’s stump. “Though first there is the little matter of the king’s ransom you mentioned earlier, as well as restitutions for the damages caused to the Crystal Empire.” My grin widened. “All in the name of friendship, of course.”
Shining Armor
I suppressed a yawn as I walked back into the coliseum with a fresh mug of coffee in hoof. Coffee was probably the only reason I was upright at this point. I had been forced to call for a recess to the debates between the cultists when Fluffy Cakes and Sunshine Rainbow had gotten into a hooffight over the exact definition of ‘the’ in relation to some obscure passage in one of their religious texts. They had even brought two different editions of the same dictionary to argue over—the ones printed immediately before and after the text in question had been written. The endless semantics had become so trivial that I had fallen fast asleep, and only woken up when the cultists started fighting again.
At least that had given me the excuse I needed to call for a recess and catch a badly needed nap. Naturally, I had only gotten enough sleep remind me how tired I really was when one of my guards woke me to tell me there was something I needed to see to. I only paused long enough to put my armor back on and grab a cup of coffee before heading back to see what idiocy these cultists were fighting about now.
I was met by the sounds of Fluffy and Starlight yelling at one another. I sighed, not looking forward to dealing with this fresh hell. Starlight had probably been caught doing whatever it was she had been doing, and now I had another mess to sort out.
I rounded the corner into the coliseum and paused at the sight of something unexpected. Fluffy was standing by himself, red in the face and looking like he was about to explode at any moment. Starlight was standing opposite of him with a smug grin on her face, a couple dozen of the cultists behind her. Something seemed ... off with them, but my sleep-addled brain couldn't quite make out what. Maybe it was the way that they were all smiling way too happily for the situation? That was certainly off-putting, but something else felt off about the situation.
“How dare you!” Fluffy stomped a hoof. “Stealing my followers out from under me when I wasn't looking! Don't you have any shame?”
Starlight rolled her eyes at Fluffy’s ravings. “It's your own fault you lost them to start with. Move aside, buddy, there’s a new religion in town.”
I strode forward to address the ground before Fluffy ended up attacking Starlight. “Excuse me. What's going on here?”
Fluffy jabbed a hoof at Starlight. “This—this false prophet is stealing my followers with her heretical...” He growled deeply in his throat. “Equalism.”
Starlight frowned at Fluffy. “He's just sour because everypony agrees with me instead of him.”
I wasn't quite sure what to make of this yet. Starlight was supposed to peel some of these cultists away from their leaders, not all of them.
Fluffy turned his indignant glare on the cultists behind Starlight. “How can all of you betray our cult on the brink of victory?! Flurrygeddon is upon us and you break faith now?!”
Most of the cultists didn't meet Fluffy’s furious glare, and more than a few shuffled in place. One of the cultists spoke up, hunching his shoulder as he did so. “Um, I'm only really in the cult because it'd have broken my mom's heart if I wasn't.”
“I like the idea of the end of the world,” another said. “It's just the actual execution that I'm a bit sketchy about.”
“The world does kinda have all my stuff in it,” a third added lamely.
“The cult is kinda where all my friends hang out. So, you know...”
“I kinda like Dreaded Equalist Starlight's message a bit more,” one of them added. “Equalism speaks more to my interests and the needs of my community.”
“Bunch of traitors is what you all are,” Fluffy huffed, shaking his hoof disapprovingly at the cultists. “If these were the old days you’d all get a good lashing, sent on a quest for the cult, or worse. The lot of you are soft and stupid and don't have any conviction in anything. First next thing that comes along and you've all jumped wagon. Why, in my day—”
“Excuse me, Fluffy,” I said, interrupting him before he could continue his rant. Once he got going there was no saying how long he’d go, and I had a few questions I wanted answers for. I took Starlight by the leg and started moving to the side. “If you'll give me a few minutes, I’d like to talk with Starlight.”
Before Fluffy or any of his new opponents could object, I took Starlight away from everyone else and cast a privacy spell. “So ... you took over Fluffy's cult?”
Starlight buffed her hoof on her chest. “And Rainbow Sunshine's branch too. It was child's play, really.”
“So you're running the entire cult now?”
Starlight nodded. “Pretty much. There's a few holdouts like Fluffy, but for the most part I've got this whole cult under my hoof. Am I good or am I great?”
That was the best news I had heard all day.. “Good, then you can shut it down and make one less problem for me. I want to get back to the palace and help Cadey—I've already been gone too long as is.”
“Um.” Starlight’s eyes flicked to the cultists gathered in the coliseum. “That's a bit easier said than done.”
I did not like the sound of that. “What do you mean?”
“It's not as easy as saying ‘Okay, great meeting everypony! Time to pack it in. See you next week!’” she explained. “They're all riled up and ready to do something. Especially after I took over. I need time to ... let the energy out of the air.”
That wasn't what I wanted to hear. Any more time spent with these lunatics was time I could spend better someplace else. “How long will it take to—” Something finally clicked in my brain as I watched the cultists mill about, and a very important detail about them finally kept out at me. “Wait, why are they all missing their cutie marks?”
I carefully studied the cultists, and each of them had a strange equal sign cutie mark. I took a second look at Starlight and noticed even she had an equal sign cutie mark—or more likely, had painted a fake onto her rear. I had read Twily’s report from her first encounter with Starlight, and I had a pretty good idea about what was going on now.
Starlight gave me a badly strained smile. “I did have to promote an alternative belief system that they would find palatable. Crafting a custom set of beliefs to appeal to these doomsday cultists would have taken too long, so I just went with something I already had ready. Gotta go with what you know, am I right?”
I groaned and rubbed my temple. “You gotta be buckin' kidding me. You turned around and made your cult all over again!”
Starlight puckered out her lips in a scowl. “Hey, what you grumpy about? I did what you wanted me to. Sure, I may have kinda made my cult all over again, but at least they're not trying to end the world anymore. That has to count as some progress, right?”
I narrowed my eyes. “You seriously don't see anything wrong with starting another cult after what happened last time?”
Starlight opened her mouth, but stopped herself from saying anything. She closer her mouth and thought for a good few seconds before answering. “I may have a slight cult founding problem.”
I pressed my hoof to my face. “You think?” I just knew I was going to be getting a lecture from Twily about this later. Cadey too, for that matter.
Starlight scowled at me. “Hey, don't go blaming me! You're the one that asked me for help. You can't just take a former cult leader like me, put them in front of a cult and not expect ... something like this.”
“So you're claiming to be some sort of cult addict?” I asked, returning her scowl.
Starlight huffed and rolled her eyes. “Look, I did what you wanted me to. They're no longer operating a doomsday cult, wrecking up everything, or worshipping your daughter as some kind of world-destroying being. I consider that a win.”
Starlight might have considered that to be the end of the matter, but I was a long way from satisfied. “So instead of a doomsday cult that worships Flurry, we have a equalizer cult that worships you?”
“They don't worship me,” Starlight was quick to object. “It's nothing like that.”
“Please excuse me, Dread Equalizer.” A cultist wearing one of those too-wide smiles walked up to us. “We've got two thousand of those brochures you wanted us to print out. Shall we start passing them around the city immediately to spread your message of the inevitable and terrible march of equality over the land?”
Starlight’s eyes widened for a moment before a strained smile returned to her face. “What brochures? I don't remember any brochures.”
“The ones you told us to make.” The cultist held one up. “You posed for the front of them. Remember, Glorious Bringer of the Message of Equality?”
I calmly took the brochure as Starlight’s eye twitched. She was featured prominently on the front, smiling as a beam of sunlight shone down on her in the middle of a grassy field covered with flowers. A couple other ponies stood behind her in the background, all with exact same uncanny smile on their faces. ‘Equalize Your Life’ was printed on the front, and a quick look inside revealed a series of talking points that were lifted right out of Twily’s report from the equalized town.
“Care to explain this?” I didn't like the idea of Starlight spreading her cult in my town. Not the least.
“Oh! That!” Starlight forced out a laugh. “I nearly forgot about those. You know, I was giving the cultists busywork while we waited for things to calm down. Idle hooves are the tools of Discord, and all that.” She quickly turned to the cultist before I could respond. “How about you just sit on these for a little bit until I finish up with Prince Shining? I'll review them then. But tell everypony they're doing great thus far.”
The cultist bowed before her, his smile growing despite seeming to have already reached the limits of what a pony's face should have been capable of. “Of course, Most Terrifying Leveler of Society.”
I crossed my forelegs. “Sounds like you've been busy.”
“I have to be,” Starlight answered, jutting out her jaw. “If I don't keep on top of them, who knows what they’ll get up to.”
“Like try and spread the message of your new cult that’s just like the old one?”
“Look, it isn’t that bad,” Starlight insisted. “It’s not like I’m using this cult for nefarious ends.”
Another of Starlight’s cultists trotted up to us with a steaming cup. “Dread Mistress of Equality Who Shall Show Everyone The Path To Equality, Destroy Your Enemies, Especially Princess Twilight Sparkle Who Ruined Your Life And Forced An Unequal Lifestyle On You Against Your Will But Which You Shall Have Your Inevitable Revenge For, I have your mocha latte.”
I narrowed my eyes. “That is an awfully specific title.”
Starlight laughed all the more forcibly. “These cultists, they have some pretty wild imaginations. Don’t you think?”
“Shut it down, Starlight,” I growled. “You've gone too far. What's next, mind control?”
Starlight’s ears wilted. “Do you mean magical or non-magical mind control?”
“Both!” I groaned. “The fact you even have to ask that is... Argh! You do realize that mind control is highly illegal, right?”
“Right, and I don't need to be getting into any more trouble with the law,” Starlight said, not meeting my gaze.
“Tell me exactly what you did,” I told her. “Don't leave anything out.”
“Er, don't you have your foal to get back to at some point?” Starlight took the mocha latte from her cultist and waved him off, avoiding my eyes the entire time. “You know, demon possession, cracks in the skies forming, near end the world scenario? That’s all kinda important. Don’t you think?”
“How about you just tell me what you're trying to cover up?” I asked, not letting her squirm out of this.
Starlight let out a long sigh. “Alright, fine. But everything that happened totally wasn’t my fault! So I did as we planned and started converting the doomsday cultists, and funny enough, they took it hook, line, and sinker. Soon enough I found out that most of the cultists were coming to my side. Then things got a little silly.”
“Silly?”
“Well, yes.” Starlight cleared her throat. “Turns out Sunshine Rainbow didn’t like how I was taking away all of her followers, and we got into bit of a fight. The coliseum foyer is going to need some repairs, by the way. And after our duel I kinda-sorta cast a mind control spell on her.”
I glowered at her. “And why did that sound like a good idea?”
“It’s what cult leaders who fight one another do! I can’t help it! Besides, it let me finish taking over her half of the cult.”
“And the equal cutie marks?” I asked.
“Funny thing, they all asked me to do that.” Starlight’s eyes flicked to the milling cultists. “They were so into the whole equality thing that they were practically begging me to equalize them with my magic. What was I supposed to do? Tell them no?”
“It might not have hurt,” I groused. “And did you use mind control on them too?”
“Look, sometimes things get crazy in cults,” Starlight said, as if all of this insanely illegal behavior were part of making her mocha. “And these were some loons before we got here. It’s not like mind controlling a bunch of crazy cultists counts, right? Especially when one of them attacked me?”
I sighed and shook my head. “I'd arrest you, but that would probably just make things even worse.”
“That would probably set the cultists off,” Starlight confirmed.
“I'll deal with you later, then. Just ... try not to commit any more crimes, or make the situation worse. You’re lucky I’m as desperate as I am right now.”
“Hey, don’t worry,” Starlight tried to assure me, some of her confidence returning to her smile. “Once things settle down, we can lay this cult to rest no problem. I have this situation perfectly under control.”
A tremor ran through the coliseum, a thrum of energy running through the building that struck a chord in my very being. My hair stood one end, and while I couldn’t put my hoof on what was causing it, I could feel something heavy in the air.
“Um, that's the dimensional abomination whose name can't be pronounced, right?” Starlight asked, a quiver of doubt in her voice.
“For your sake, I hope so.”
Sunshine Rainbow ran over to us with a wild, wide-eyed look. “The ritual is complete! Egalatriximarious the Homologous is summoned!”
“What ritual?” Starlight laughed that awkward laugh of hers. “I don’t remember any ritual.”
“Starlight...” I growled. “What did you do this time?”
“They shouldn’t have been able to summon anything!” Starlight hastily explained. “You can’t just summon some eldritch being that easily! It takes a lot of time and effort to get their attention, and even more to break dimensional barriers and create a hole in reality big enough to...” Her eyes widened. “Uh-oh.”
I covered my eyes. “I’ve heard enough uh-ohs from Twily’s magical mishaps to know that one ranks about a nine out of ten. What’s going on?”
“Um, I just want it on the record that this can’t be considered my fault.” Starlight’s eyes darted around. “Like you, I haven’t gotten much sleep lately and I’m not quite at the top of my game at the moment. So I may have made a few ... miscalculations.”
“Like?” I growled.
Starlight swallowed as I glared at her. “You see, the walls between dimensions are a lot thinner than they normally would be thanks to everything happening with Flurry and—”
A great, unearthly voice boomed through the coliseum hallways and shook my very being as it rolled over me. “AFTER THOUSANDS OF YEARS I AM FREE! LET ALL THE WORLD TREMBLE BEFORE ME AND DESPAIR AS THE GREAT EQUALIZATION BEGINS!”
Starlight’s ears flattened against her head. “I know I just said that I had everything under control, but that might have been an ... overly optimistic opinion.”
“Ya think?”
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Ponies have an equivalent of Australia?
Actually, what am I saying, of course they do.
derpicdn.net/img/2015/7/8/932457/thumb.jpg
So the Fungerengi ... Are the Griffons or the Yaks the MLP equivalent of Klingons?
Well... That was definitely something that... Happened
Need more. Oh so much more
8003477 Both!!
https://youtu.be/AmSoDkXJ2aw?t=197
That is all.
One point for Luna!
One point for Starlight and then, um minus seven?
This is really funny work.
8004522 Don't forget a point for Hard Exchange for his whimsical punishment of Busy Dealings. He seems like a fun guy.
More proof that Luna is indeed Best Pony!
8005145
I will cut you.
Starlight - still Evil!
*groan*
*skulldesk*
I think there's a missing "other" at the bolded point?
I like the mushroom guys, they're fun.
Starlight definitely needs to talk with some sort of therapist, and maybe about more than just her cult founding issues.
Dude. I can't believe how much I've missed the Ferengi since Deep Space Nine went off the air!
8006479 Isn't there a rule of acquisition about always leaving them wanting more?
8006522 Rule #242, More is good, all is better.
8006527 Eh, Rules of Showbusiness, Rules of Aquisition, it's easy to get them confused.
Starlight Glimmer is a sadist!!!!
Actually, that's not very long. Here in real life, the world record for hiccups is 68 years.
Aha! Someone willing to use the word "queer" for its original purpose. This is the definition I grew up with, so I'm more comfortable with that meaning.
This chapter was insanely awesome!
Haha, the mushroom culture is hilarious.
So Starlight accidentally summoned an elder god of equality, basically? Well, maybe it'll do her good as she can set it up against the elder god trying to possess Flurry Heart and the two can take one another out.
I get to be That Guy: Webbing comes from the spinnerets at the end of the abdomen, not the thorax! D: That's where the head is! And since they turned around to shoot at her, you're not using cartoon spider logic. >:B
groan
9483832
That's what I get for not doing the research.
Heh. Fnaf sister location reference
I love this. It's so in tune with what is happening.
8005923
Don't be spore about it.