Starlight Glimmer's New Diary

by Amethyst_Crystal

Eight Scrolls

Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,

So, it took awhile to figure out where this set of diary scrolls was located.
Trixie had apparently hidden them after I let her read them first,
and she accidentally took my chapters on Spike's 'Dragon Lord' incident too.
Sorry, she insisted on reading about herself before you did.
You know how she is...

This was an awkward and difficult step in my journey of friendship,
and as your student.
I very nearly made several mistakes I would regret for years.
I almost lost you both.
Thanks to your guidance and wisdom though,
it all turned out alright.
May insight gleaned from these scrolls be of benefit to you, teacher.

Your faithful student,
Starlight Glimmer

P.S.: You aren't still jealous of Trixie's friendship with me, are you?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

15

Wanted to avoid the dining hall after that encounter with Celestia and Luna.
The sun sister may have tried to be reassuring, but I was nonetheless distraught.

Just stayed in my room, contemplating.
I contemplate too much, perhaps. Less doing, more thinking.
But maybe that's what I need in my life nowadays, diary.
Too much doing and not enough thinking led me down a dark and cruel path...

Anyway.

When I finally crept out and looked for Twilight,
surprised to find a note from her in the library,
declaring that she, Spike and Rarity had gone off to the Dragon Lands, of all places.

Spike had to go there to cure a magical condition,
enforced by none other than the Dragon Lord,
specifically to force him and other young dragons to go?
An invitation with no choice doesn't bode well.

I wish I had stuck around after all,
and just swallowed my fear of the ancient alicorns of sun and moon.
Because strangely enough,
I am less intimidated by dragons and other creatures than I am by my fellow ponies.
Maybe I lack fear due to my great magical prowess.
And my lack of need to cooperate with other species.
I really want to cooperate with ponies...

But, perhaps this matter requires more caution than I am prone to adhere to.
I bet I'd make things more dramatic than necessary.

I just hope everypony will be safe.
Don't underestimate those dragons, Twilight Sparkle.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

16

Spike is truly gifted.
Pony-raised and pony-influenced.
Technically a dragon, but hardly counting by their standards.
In the past he has been mocked and rejected by his own kind for these reasons.

And yet now,
he has established political ties between Equestria and the Dragon Lord.
He has managed to bridge the social gap between two species
with such widely differing standards of social custom and etiquette.

Well done, Spike. I knew you were special.

'He flawlessly taught Princess Ember and her father what friendship means for a pony,' gushed Twilight.
'I for one am very proud of you, Spike.'

'Oh Spike, you were so brave to go through those deadly trials!' insisted Rarity,
snuggling him close, much to his delight, I am sure.
I know he crushes on that generous designer.

Rarity and Twilight were both giddy with excitement.
I guess it has been awhile since they'd gone on such an exotic adventure together.

Both of them speak so highly of Spike now.
Well, not that they never have before,
but it seems other ponies don't take him seriously most of the time.

I refuse to underestimate Spike.
He has a sharp tongue and quick wit, a way with words.
He and I are both strange outcasts on the fringe of this pony society,
though for different reasons.
Mine being more ethical, his being more biological.

After all the fuss, Spike came to check up on me in my room.
He has developed an almost daily habit of doing this sometime after my lessons,
to make sure I'm not too exhausted or stressed out by them.
The little guy is practically my nanny now.

'You doing alright, Starlight?'
I almost wanted to talk about my encounter with Celestia and Luna in the myriad sprawling labyrinth of this castle.

But I hesitated.
Spike doesn't have to know everything, after all.
Nopony else, either.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

17

Once again, Twilight has unleashed a difficult friendship lesson.
She puts far too much faith in my social capabilities.
I am not panicking like the first one with Sunburst, but...

Deep frustration wells up inside me.
Make a new friend, so soon?
To introduce to Celestia herself?
Are you serious, Twilight?

'You have to make a new friend!', she said,
with a big encouraging confident smile.
Who does she think she's asking this of? An expert?

I cracked a joke about just enslaving Ponyville to force friendship, but...
I'm not sure that lightened the tension like I hope.
Twilight was not amused.
Guess its still too soon since I've don't that sort of thing for real...

Making such sick jokes though, it helps me relax under stress.
Am I messed up, diary? I'm sorry. I guess I need to keep trying to be a better pony after all.
A proper reasonable citizen of Ponyville, the friendliest place in Equestria.

So alright, this should be easy.
I'll go make a new friend.
I'll show Celestia and Twilight I can!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

18

Tried the easiest method of making new friends:
getting help from my current friends.

But nothing is working! I keep messing everything up!
Why am I so stupid?!

Pinkie Pie's boss is angry at me now.
I shouldn't have threatened her business with a magically crafted cake.
Accidentally dropping it on her didn't help.
'It is delicious though!' offered Pinkie, and Mrs. Cake just glared all the more.

Applejack is angry at me now.
She didn't even say anything, just scowled, and growled.
That was so stupid of me to force her brother to be verbose.
Of course I shouldn't be forcefully altering ponies.
What was I thinking? I can't complete a lesson by making it worse.

Rarity is, I don't know... mildly annoyed?
That unicorn is the most difficult pony to interpret sometimes.
She is radiant and flamboyant, sure, but what does she really think?
'First impressions count for a great deal you know', she offered.
That really cut me to the quick.
My first impression that I made on her and the others was... vile.

'Well, everypony deserves a second chance', she said casually,
while taking my measurements with the levitating tape measure.
I hope she's right.
Because even though she wants to make me a nice dress,
I did ruin her hat...

Rainbow Dash is disappointed, shocked even.
No, horrified.
'You've never even heard of the Wonderbolts?!'
So much for getting tips on finding cool friends...
How should I know the name of an equestrian military pegasus faction, though??

Fluttershy's bunny is adorable, but not a pony friend.
Didn't bother stick around to feel her disappointment.
Still feeling intimidated by her intense awareness from the last visit.
I've had enough already, of my failures today.

I need a new pony friend to complete this lesson!
But this isn't working!

Okay, I still have time.
I can go make a friend in Ponyville on my own.
I will just... I will just keep trying...

I'm so worried...
I don't know what to do...
How do I make friends with ponies when I'm so worked up?

Stop stressing... stop stressing!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

19

I'm so happy, like never before!
This sense of relief is so wonderful, diary.

With Twilight, I can feel secure and stable, safe even.
I can understand and relate with her somewhat, but...
She is so far above me, so pure and noble.
I am so broken compared to the Princess of Friendship.
So many issues and problems inside me.

But this pony...

I decided to go visit the day spa.
It was the most logical choice for stress relief, after all.
Started casually chatting up the pony getting tended to right behind me,
which is weird of me.
I guess it really was relaxing treatment to make me relax around strangers.

I started complaining about today, and she said 'for me they're all one of those days', heh.
She said she wasn't from Ponyville either, just like me.
Then I started rambling... and before I knew it I was openly confessing my fear,
that everypony around here knew my past, how evil and cruel I was.

'Ponies judge me on my past, too.'
She knows how I feel.
She knows what it means to be an outcast.
To be too... dangerous and daring.
To be lacking in the polite social graces of our kind.

This pony is my new friend, and I take comfort in this.
She is great, and powerful.
She wanders the world all by herself, pulling along her magicians' cart,
to put on stage performances,
only to disappear into a puff of smoke.

She is mysterious and wonderful.
She is so confident too! She knows she's an outcast but she doesn't care!
I feel empowered by her audacity.
Maybe I can stop feeling guilty all the time now.

Maybe its not so bad to be a little bad...
To revel in a bit of shadow, in the light of this civilization.

Thank you, Trixie, for being you!

Can't wait to introduce you to Twilight.
I know you are unorthodox, but so am I.
She will be so pleased with you too!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

20

Of course there would be problems.
Of course things wouldn't go smoothly.
Now I'm trapped with two difficult choices,
neither of which I want to be forced to decide on,
because I want both.
I NEED both.

They already knew each other... they already hate each other!
Oh, that's just great! How funny, how twisted!

'You could say that I know her', Twilight all but sneered.
I've never heard her sneer before!
Does she harbor such a bad grudge with Trixie?

'We've had our differences,' Trixie admitted,
'but Twilight gave me another chance, and I appreciate it.'
But they shared fake smiles with each other.
Maybe they aren't absolute enemies.
But they certainly are not friends.

After Trixie told Twilight about her plans for a magic performance,
Twilight pulled me aside. Literally, with her magic.

No, I am not going to reject Trixie's friendship!
You should give me the chance to make my own friends,
like Celestia let you!

That seemed to do the trick. I know my teacher well enough.
I would feel bad for manipulating like that, but
I refuse to lose Trixie over... whatever it is these two have between them.

Felt hopeful after she let us go.
Maybe she'd give Trixie a chance after all.
Not so!
Stalking us, trying to coax me to reject her still!
Maybe you're just worried, but I am hurting now!

Thanks a lot Twilight, for showing me how fallible you really are!
I thought you cared about friendship, no matter what!
Well I guess I was proven wrong!

I'm crying right now diary,
because I don't want to lose my new wonderful, magnificent friend Trixie.
But I don't want to lose my sanctuary and security with Princess Twilight too.

Trixie's changed Twilight!
She may not be as gracious and good as you,
but she still cares about me, she cares about friendship!
I know it's true... I won't let myself think otherwise.
I know how to tell if someone is lying after all.

Trixie understands my dark past. We've both messed up, big time.
We are both reformed, but...
what good is it if we don't get a second chance?

Thought things would get better once I got away from Twilight.
Trixie talked a bit about her dark past.
Admitted she did terrible things in Ponyville, out of jealousy towards Twilight.
'She's better at everything, and I wanted to beat her at something!'

Then she revealed her intentions for an exciting dangerous magic act involving a manticore.
She said she can't do it on her own though, so...
I offered to help, I would love for this trick to work!
Trixie was so pleased! 'I knew I liked you for a reason!'
Yeah, because I can appreciate real thrills!

But then she revealed... she wants to do the magic show tonight.
But... I still have the friendship dinner with Twilight and Celestia tonight..
can't we go do that, Trixie? I want you to make amends!
I confessed to her my frustration with Twilight's behavior today. 'Well, I can't say I'm surprised,' Trixie scoffed.
But still...

Can't we just do your performance tomorrow night?
Why must you force me to choose, Trixie?
That's really not fair!

Oh no, I will be upsetting Princess Celestia too,
if I choose to spend night helping Trixie's magic show... she will be there.

…. I have to stay. This is the right thing to do.
I don't care if the alicorns of Sun and Magic punish me.
My heart says Trixie is my true friend.
She understands me, like no other pony could.

I will help you put on the greatest magic show ever, Trixie!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

21

You smug manipulative liar!
How could you do this to me, Trixie?
So much for being my friend!

Twilight was right, diary... Trixie was just using me to 'get back' at her!

Twilight confronted us both backstage, shortly before the big show.
She scolded me for walking out on the dinner with her boss,
without even telling her.
She had a point there... but I was upset with Twilight for her treatment,
of my new best friend.

Trixie butted in though. She bragged and boasted.
'Starlight had to choose between you and me, and she chose me!
Your pupil chose me!
So, HA! I WIN!'

Yes, well done Trixie. You made me choose you over Twilight.
You won your stupid rivalry game with Twilight.
So great of you. So powerful.
So much for your friendship!

You are so selfish! I am selfish too but at least I know...
at least I know how to care now!
Why couldn't you be my friend, Trixie?
I believed in you!

I am broken again.
Maybe this is my destiny, after all.
A broken friendless pony...

I will watch the magic show still... from a distance. I may as well.
Nothing matters anymore.
Nopony would want to willingly be my friend anyway.

Twilight and the others, they are only just putting up with me...
I am a menace going through social rehabilitation...
I am so ashamed... and so alone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

22

I almost made a terrible mistake today.
I almost lost a true friend.

Trixie, I am sorry. I forgive you.
Please forgive me too?

You may have a vendetta with Twilight.
But you really do care about me, too, don't you?
Of course you do.
But like me, you let your darkness cloud your heart, sometimes.
I understand.

Twilight came to me as I sat and sulked on the hill.
She is the one who opened my eyes to the truth: that you really are my friend.

The alicorn of Friendship is strange that way, I guess its one of her quirks.
Incredibly anxious when she doesn't know or understand something,
but once she's right there to observe, she realizes the heart of the matter.
Every time.
She learns new spells, she learns new lessons, just by being there.
I envy her observational skills.

Trixie, Twilight saw your sorrow and misery after I left.
She knew underneath your veil of 'I don't care' confidence,
you were broken.

You wept as I wept.
You and I, we are selfish cunning dangerous mares,
alone in our minds and hearts.

You really do want me by your side.
You really do care, Trixie.
I understand you, I really do.

Your heart was breaking like mine.
You didn't even care that you might die from that manticore stunt.

When you told me afterwards that you begged for my return, when you got into that cannon...
maybe I heard you... maybe my spirit heard you...
Twilight nudged me to go back and help your dangerous stunt.
But it was up to me in the end.

And I choose to be your friend.

Please don't ever do something so dangerous again...
not without your lovely faithful magical assistant Starlight Glimmer.
Heheh!

Oh, and thank you both for being gracious to each other after the performance.
If you both only did so for my sake,
then maybe I'm a worthy friend to both of you, after all.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~