Respect from a critic is hard to receive, even more so when they were skeptical about you to begin with. By the time I woke in the late afternoon, I felt far better than in the morning, but that feeling was still there. I couldn’t truly place it anymore, was it joy of a job well done? Could it have been her acceptance? Perhaps it was what I could fool myself into the most though. One of the most powerful people in the land, my harshest critic, saw that I had a place in her country.
Whatever the real reason, I needed to look far better than in the morning. After a soothing bath, courtesy of the bathroom across the hall, I returned to find a scroll and fresh change of clothes waiting for me. As I dressed, I opened the scroll and read it silently.
Dear Princess Celestia,
My friends and I all learned an important lesson this week: Never judge a book by its cover. Someone may look unusual, or funny, or scary. But you have to look past that and learn who they are inside. Real friends don't care what your “cover” is; It's the contents of a pony that count. And a good friend, like a good book, is something that will last forever.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
“Curious,” I said as I slipped my shirt on.
“I think so too” came Princess Celestia’s soothing voice from the doorway. “I looked over your work while you were out and I remembered this letter from Twilight Sparkle. I thought I’d share this lesson with you.”
“It hits a little close to home, exceedingly close, not a whole lot of people knew who I really was. All they ever knew was the façade I showed them. A charming businessman, a skilled thief, a forger, even,” I bit my lip, “a boyfriend. Are there more of these?”
“Several, but I think I could’ve learned this lesson a little more like Twilight and her friends. When my sister told me that you were a criminal, I jumped to conclusions and thought that she wanted to hide you away from your pursuers. What she tried to tell me was that she had seen and heard you in her dreams and that it probably wouldn’t stop until you no longer piqued her subconscious’ curiosity.”
“I do owe her for stealing me from my pursuers, but I think it might be more than merely curiosity that brought me here. Perhaps it was fate?”
“I think I have a solution for you Zachary, how we can disguise the missing magical touch.”
“Convince them to actually sign it,” I asked, hopeful of the best solution.
“No, acceptance letters were mailed out two days ago. If my magic is coating it then Prince Blueblood will think that I was trying to dispute the letter myself.”
I couldn’t help but let my lips curl into a wicked smile. “You certainly have a mean streak in you Princess.”
“He’s been a thorn in everypony’s side for far too long.”
“Aside from being insufferable in general, what’s he like?”
“A yearly event called the Grand Galloping Gala that happened a few years ago was, in his opinion, ruined. He took it as a personal affront and has been asking incessantly for me to do something about the town where the troublemakers come from.”
“But you’ve refused and avoided him for as long as you can right?”
“Yes and I’ve done nearly everything I can think of to make him stop.”
“Have you tried taking away his title or his wealth?”
“I’d never hear the end of it from his mother, and if you can believe it, she’s worse than him.”
The fact that there seemed to be someone worse than a prince who wanted a place ‘taken care of’ for one ruined evening made me cringe. I have standards and that crossed the line on so many levels. “There has to be someone who is as kind as he is spoiled. Please tell me there is.”
“Yes there is, Shining Armor’s wife is nearly his polar opposite.”
I recalled the resolute stallion, who seemed to keep a careful eye on me whenever he could spare the time. “And who is the lucky mare?”
“Princes Mi Amore Cadenza, though she prefers Cadance.”
“Well, ‘mi amore,’ if it’s like back home, means ‘my love’ in one of my favorite foreign languages to speak. If that’s the case then she would rather it said by someone closer.”
“Is that your professional opinion?”
I noticed her face had grown a sly grin, a telltale sign of her fishing for information. “I love what are called the romance languages, and just hearing them makes me melt a little inside.” Though I appreciated the praise, it wasn’t much compared to the rushing beat of my heart.
“Back to my plan though.”
“It sounds reasonable enough for me Prin-” she cut me off with a raised hoof.
“When we’re alone Celestia will be fine.”
“All right then Celestia. Would you, in turn, just call me Zack?”
“If you insist,” she answered quickly. “You’ve done a very good job Zack; I’ll take care of it from here.” She levitated my completed work and the letter from her student to her side and left.
As the door closed behind her I could still hear my heart throbbing. Now I had a better idea of what it meant. She was, in her own way, the greatest challenge, the greatest rush of my life. The greatest job of my criminal career had begun; I was ready to try to con myself. Lying to yourself is far simpler than this, I wasn’t trying to kid myself that this was something like a fake identity. This was me trying to tell myself that this wasn’t just a thing on the job. It was genuine, unbridled affection.
The normally calm and even strides of the solar princess had been replaced with a canter that could be defined only as ecstatic. She maintained a concerned look on her face as she looked like she was busy examining the forgery. He may have been a criminal, but there was a certain artistry in the false watermark and elegant penmanship that was normally found with the most steady magic control.
“‘Tia,” called Luna as she rushed to her sister’s side, “Is that what I think it is?”
“Yes,” she replied with a calm and even tone, “I’m finding that I can’t prevent this. I’ll have to comply with the academy for once.”
“That means that,” the younger sister trailed off as she caught on.
“Yes, Prince Blueblood will have to attend the academy starting as soon as he receives this letter.”
“Princess Celestia,” said Aureus during breakfast the next morning, “Prince Blueblood wishes to see you as soon as possible regarding something. He erm… he wasn’t very specific about why.”
“I suggest you aren’t late for what he has to say your highness,” I said with a brief nod. I had found a note on my desk in the morning to join Celestia for breakfast.
Celestia looked over to me and simply smiled. “Thank you Zachary, make sure he doesn’t see you.”
I did my best to restrain a chuckle. “Well, my skills are deteriorating quickly. I would hope my ability to vanish is still there.” I rose from my seat and slipped around to her side. “Straight face Celestia,” I whispered in her ear.
“I know,” she whispered back. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to lie to him.”
I wanted an excuse, I thought, but I think I’ll refrain from telling her for now. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve loved every woman I’ve ever dated, even the ones I had to lie to about everything.
I am gonna love Bluebloods reaction..... btw, I think hes a vampire. He cant walk across water on his own, he cant eat mortal food, and the word blood is in his name for crying out loud.
939609 You forgot the fact that we haven't seen him in daylight yet
939649 What about that episode where Rarity is in Canterlot? Im pretty sure I saw him in that episode during the music sequence.
YES!
939659 thrall lookalike. Gotta be.
939723 THAT PRINCE IS A CHANGELING SPY!!! ....... or... Well look at it this way. Vampires cant go in the sun because when it touches their skin it hurts. NO, IT DOES NOT MAKE THEM SPARKLE! Anyway, maybe the fur coat blocks out enough sun to make it safe.
Ah yes, we finally have a story where the protagonist does white collar-crime, and is not poor and runs from the FBI and the police.
MOAR
Neal Caffrey in Equestria, cute.
It's a little basic, skips over some parts and elements that would be interesting, character's aren't nearly as fleshed out as I like, everything is happening to fast and god someone needs to sit you down to talk about pacing...but it's still decent. It's got a charm that's hard to put words to, the protagonist is fun, despite not being that clear, and there is something that just draws you in.
Can't give a thumbs up but definitely following it.
okay, let's be fair here.
he was a ponce to a gold digger.
END OF LIST OF CRIMES.
what is it about this fandom that everyone is dripping with affection and sympathy for the outright villains but hasn't got a drop of mercy for the merely flawed?
939908 White Collar may be a guilty pleasure of mine, but I'm getting to fleshing out characters. I'm still setting up my massive domino layout.
939916
It is literally the only TV show I watch.
You have a bunch of issues you need to work on but at the core you have a decent story so props there. It still feels like it's rushed as all hell though. Also keep in mind, the longer you wait to start proper characterization the more it's going to stand out as odd.
Edit: I admit the sad-Celestia sold me on this
This is great, Zack is like a cross between Moist von Lipwig and Mr Tulip, with the best qualities of both ("This is some great 'ing workmanship!") and without the worst qualities.
One minor point, depending on how you want to take Zack, you might want to put some scenes in of him greasing up to the clerks and other "minor" workers in the Palace. (I put minor in quotes because you try running a castle with no cleaners, no maids, and no manservants and you see how far you get.)
939946 I'm getting a lot of this:
Eh fuck it. I'll see where this goes. It isn't bad, but the tone leaves me wanting.. for something. Not sure what yet. I'll let you know if I find anything that could do with some fixing.
939659>>939723
That, or the mountain was casting enough of a shadow for him to survive...
939749 sooo skin is SPF 0.05. burn blueblood, burn.
939912 Well, you see, um, the thing is, erm. Ah, here we go, the "merely flawed" are seen as whiny and annoying, while the actually evil guys often have some level of badassery, as well as respect that goes with it. If Blueblood had slightly more character in the series I supose maybe he would have been liked, at least somewhat more.
(It is taking me every measurable amount of effort to not mention the thing with the curse and the draconeequis and the undead horde and the nightmare-moon cult and everything else in that particular story,)
for one ruined evening mage me cringe
1. There is a mage for the evening! Let's make a new one!
Yeah... I just HAD to do something since well... yknow, couldnt hold it in
This story is epiiiic!
Man im loving it so far keep it up man!
This is genius!
Oh boy, here we go!
940430 As far as I know I'm still mortal so it's a good thing you and anyone else who corrects me is here.
941345 Don't worry, its my job. I'm also having one of those days. It happens.
Zack, you sly devil. I can't wait to see the Princess' reaction to his affection!
Also, can't wait to see Blueblood getting pissed off!
940392 i want to upvote this comment
gaaah!
I can't not read each new chapter!
Ah well, I really want to see how the whole relationship turns out... I have a feeling it might be a "lie until it's true" thing for Zach, and a "I just kinda noticed I like him" thing for Celestia.
But, of course, I could be wrong.
this is a really fun concept, but the pacing feels uncomfortably rushed
still, hope to see more soon
->Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve loved every woman I’ve ever dated, even the ones I had to lie to about everything.<-
Best Gentleman thief line ever!
939912 He's an insufferable jerk and he was mean to Rarity.
Those two are far worse than anything the main villains have done. They at least have justification for their actions, whereas Blueblood... does not.
942214 It replaced a very fourth wall "Don't judge me" line because the first one was just... just... gah...
939749
Why do the vampires in Twilight Sparkle?
For Great Justice!
Aaand the ship has began untying the moorings. Let it sail!
And look out for yellow submarines, they're sneaky...
939749 Well, Thralls aren't vampires, they are regular mortals under the magical influence of a vampire. To...much......vampire.....lore...knowledge...bursting..at.........seams......AGHHHHH!
947623>>945227>>939749
Enough with the vampires!
947745 Why? Dont want us to figure out your secret weakness?!?! ...................Ok im done now.
947745
Sorry, but there really is no other comment to make. This story is far too flawless.
For Great Justice!
950979 No it isn't. The pacing's a bit erratic and I make a few mistakes from time to time.
953124
Don't accept my complement then.
But really, this story may be a diamond in the rough, but it's certainly not the worst you could have done.
For Great Justice!
953366 All I was saying was that there were flaws but yes, this could've been infinitely worse. I've done worse, but I've yet to do better. However, doing a popular HiE fic tells me something at the very least: there's still something that can be done with this kind of story. Now, as for your compliment. I like getting praise, though I have to mind my intake of it. No need to have an overinflated ego after all.
Haha! I LOVE this!
This is good. Keep noticing a few consistent grammatical errors though.
“All right then, Celestia. Would you, in turn, just call me Zack?”
“You’ve done a very good job, Zack; I’ll take care of it from here.” She levitated my completed work and the letter from her student to her side and left.
For example, If you were to come into a situation such as 'We should go eat Celestia!' (Omnomnom), it wouldn't sound as you intended. When really you would say 'We should go eat, Celestia!', you'd be saving her life.
1010294 Yeah, Not exactly something I've removed from doing odd things in writing classes for teacher appreciation.