Princess Luna serves a dish of revenge with a side of human…
While most humans are brought to Equestria through near-death, death, or shenanigans, some are brought with a purpose. Meet Zack, he’s young, capable, more or less polite, and our victim. Princess Luna requires a moment’s peace, free from her sister’s pranks. One night, Luna comes up with the perfect plan: playing matchmaker. With her sister plotting, Celestia peacefully slumbers with dreams of mischief ripe in her head. If only she knew just what her little sister was capable of…
This story is rated L (Luna) for infrequent strong language and shipping.
Please proceed to here for reasoning behind the cancellation.
“Princess Luna,” called one guard as he rushed towards her.
“Yes I know there are spiders in my mane,” she said in a bitter anger. I am sick of this sister, she thought. She’d never tell the guards or the staff; that would certainly humor Celestia even more. Once more, since I slept instead of help repel the changelings; I’ve been subjugated to your incessant pranks! I thought I was free of them when you let me visit Ponyville for Nightmare Night. Princess Luna continued to silently fume as she strode through the castle, eager to put a brush to her mane before going to sleep.
New York City, United States
Running in a tailored suit isn’t easy. Oh, hi by the way, my name is Zack and, like I said, I’m running in a tailored suit. Now what I’m running from is something that might be nice to know. It’s one of those alphabet soups, I don’t quite know. They had announced themselves while I was getting dressed for well, let’s just call it work. It could be about the bonds. Might just be the passports. However, my guess is the hard things to fence. I suppose you could call me a career criminal, ranging from petty theft to forgery.
Anyways, I’ve only been running for a few blocks. I knew they got my car, any safe house I have is probably compromised, and I really, really don’t want to have any interactions with anyone right now. I just… I want to vanish!
Lunar Wing, Canterlot
The spiders themselves weren’t the real problem, but what they were doing to her mane was far more troubling to her. “At least this isn’t as bad as when she painted me polka dot,” Luna grumbled as she wrestled a brush through her mane.
A week ago Princess Celestia had, much to Luna’s displeasure, painted her sister black with white spots. How she did it wasn’t the issue, the problem was that she infuriated Luna enough to torment all of Equestria with a glowing red moon the whole time.
Somewhere in New Jersey
Oh, hey again, I think I’m safe for a few minutes so I hope you don’t mind a little grand theft. See I… umm… I stole a car about five minutes ago from the airport when I managed to elude the cops for a few minutes. It was pretty simple to pose as a valet and leave without a second thought, granted I had to get a change of clothes but still.
Anyways, I’ve been driving ever since and I know better than stay in one place for too long. I found out that the initial bust was the police, but I fear the FBI pulling the strings. The cops don’t bother me much, they can be outwitted when you do as much as I do, but the feds nearly caught me last year before I could get out of the country.
When I can, I escape before I’m noticed too much. A new passport and a-
“Zachary Raes, pull your car over and come out quietly,” called a state patroller from a few cars behind me.
Crap, if you’ll excuse me I’m about to start a new high-speed chase…
Canterlot
Dreams of a fleeing criminal ran rampant through the lunar princess’ mind as she attempted to get some sleep that day. It was an odd one, of that she was certain. Running on two legs struck her nearly as awkward as the clothes it wore. She would wake in a stir from time to time only to return to sleep seeing them in something different.
By the late afternoon, Princess Luna was sick of seeing this creature running through a city of concrete and very fast machines. She had been hoping of devising her revenge for the latest pranks inflicted upon her. As soon as she ran a bath, it struck her. This creature would be either the perfect cohort or the best instrument of deception she could inflict.
Outside Altoona, Pennsylvania
Running was hard, stealing a car while on the run was harder, getting outta the country will be the challenge. I live for the challenge, the rush, the adrenaline, and sometimes even all the hype. The point is this is the way to live.
As I watched the sun setting in the distance, I sighed. I think I lost the feds four cars and two counties ago, but I have that weird feeling as if I’m being watched.
Solar Wing, Canterlot
Princess Celestia glared at her denied “Give Princess Celestia Cake” edict, courtesy of Luna, occasionally pausing to observe herself in the mirror. She worried a little about her appearance, knowing that she had gotten relatively recent flak from a school newspaper about scarfing cake and her semi-bulbous hindquarters. The issue wasn’t that it was printed as a form of gossip, but that ponies began to take it seriously after her defeat during the attempted changeling invasion. “That article was months ago, how could they dare to hold it over my head.”
Since then, she had decreased her sugary intake by nearly half by all accounts. In secret however, she was sneaking cake from a reliable, and unfortunately very hyperactive, source. Despite all of her late night snacking, a strict exercise regimen was keeping the majority of it at bay.
As she glared at her mirror the wheels began turning in her mind. “I can’t get a stallion with this kind of figure,” she mumbled. “Royalty aside, I must look too heavy for any worthy prospect.” Celestia sighed and looked to one of the many friendship reports she had received since sending her student to Ponyville.
After rereading it however the solar princess moved to her desk and scrounged past several proposals for a quill and parchment. I can’t believe I’m doing this, she thought as she began to write.
Dear Twilight Sparkle, Though it pains me to ask this of you, I need a serious second opinion. I know Luna would try to spin her answer in her favor and no pony in Canterlot would tell me in fear of reprisal so I have to ask somepony who-
“No, I simply couldn’t,” she said with a chuckle. “No doubt Twilight would tell me exactly what I want to hear.” The solar princess sighed and levitated the letter into her mantle place, happy to be rid of the mere notion that she even thought of it in the fire.
Akron, Ohio
So far, I’ve made good time, but I can only push my luck so far. I had plans to reach Windsor and head on the first flight off continent. I’ll book the flight closer to the border, but I think some shuteye’s in order. I drove just out of town and jumped into the backseat to catch my well-deserved sleep. I really need to escape, I thought before drifting off to sleep.
Throne Room, Canterlot
The thought reached the lunar princess’ ears as she gazed lazily at the boring nighttime vigil. “That concludes it,” she said in a profound and dignified tone, causing her night guards to immediately jerk to attention. “No longer shall he disrupt my slumber or echo in my mind. I must summon him!”
Plenty of tricks played at her expense had finally made Princess Luna snap. It was more than any among the Night Guard would tolerate and they fled the chamber, afraid to cross their princess’ ire. A vibrant midnight blue light filled the entire room and she focused on the singular creature. As the light subsided the car containing a slumbering con man appeared in the throne room and a wide grin had emerged on the mare of the night's face. Perfect...
Zack continued to slumber, unaware of both the fact that he had escaped from anyone chasing him and the prowling alicorn examining his stolen car. He may have been a criminal, but he had standards and Princess Luna had violated one of his personal rules: it draws too much attention if you abduct someone.
Princess Luna examined the vehicle with great curiosity. How fast is it, how does it work, is this how they get from one place to another, were some of the many questions floating around in her mind. “Tis a strange creation,” she muttered as her guardsponies returned. She noted how they were also curious about the device. “Don’t you agree,” she asked one.
The grey pegasus had only been a recent addition to the Night Guard and never truly been addressed by her highness. “Highness I am indeed curious,” she replied nervously, “how in Equestria did this come to be here?”
“I wished to summon the creature in this strange vehicle, not the whole thing.”
“Highness, forgive me for being so bold but this creature is strange as well. Do you know what sort of being it is?”
“I have no idea what it’s called, but I believe it is a male. I saw it in my dreams earlier today. It was swift for a creature on two legs and was being chased.” She stared at the slumbering man through the rear window. “I believe he is a criminal as well, some who chased him called themselves the police, but the others were called ‘FBI.’ I have no idea what that means. Is that something I’ve missed?”
“No princess, I haven’t heard of it either. Perhaps this creature can tell us when they wake. Though I’m not too certain they will co-operate if you are right and it is a criminal. No doubt they will see us as an authority and try to escape.”
“Then we shall have to prepare to stop him before he wakes. Bar the doors, if this contraption is as fast as I saw it then we will need to ensure it cannot get out that way.” With a brief salute from her soldiers, the lunar princess continued to contemplate her invited guest and the contraption that held him like a gift-wrapped package.
The first rays of light shimmered in my eyes and made me sit upright, ready to make the last few hours to the Canadian border. What I saw however, was something I could never have dared to expect. I was clearly not in Ohio anymore, no I doubt I wasn’t even anywhere in the States, unless someone moved my car to Disney overnight.
Hopping up and into the driver’s seat, I revved the engine only to hear it wheeze only to die a second later. Why now of all times, I thought as I tried again only to hear the engine sputter before dying again. Why does my luck run out right now?
As I glanced around, unaware of the other occupants of the room, I began to assess the situation. The room I was in had a high stone roof, thick walls with intricate stain glass windows, and a large throne. Even if the car was working, I didn’t have enough clearance to get out through a window. With a defeated groan, I beat my head against the steering wheel causing the horn to blare.
“Princess Celestia,” said an agitated white pegasus, “it would appear that Princess Luna has barricaded the throne room with something very heavy.” He shoved in vain again with fellow pegasi and unicorn soldiers, proving to the solar diarch that he was serious. It was no use, the door wasn’t about to budge for any of them.
“I appreciate your attempts Wing Sheer but my sister must have her reasons for barring the door,” said the solar princess. “I would like it if you and the other guards stand back.”
Wing Sheer nodded and retreated while Celestia stood firmly before the large doors. He was fresh from his training and proud to serve as a Royal Guard, but it was his first real assignment and all he had to do was guard the throne room’s doors. I hope this doesn’t look too bad on my records, he thought. They always blame the new soldiers for failures.
“Could you please come out of there,” called a female voice. I cranked my head towards the source of this voice and saw an equine with a deep blue coat and a… wait a horn?
“I’m afraid that I’m somewhat confused,” I said nervously as I opened the door slowly. “Correct me if I’m mistaken but you’re a dark blue unicorn and you’re talking to me right?”
“I am far more than just a ‘dark blue unicorn’ fair creature. I am Princess Luna,” she added before flaring a pair of wings. “I rule the night.”
I wasn’t expecting wings on top of everything else, but I was clearly delusional. Perhaps from acting the part of someone I’m not for so long had finally taken its toll on me. “Feathered wings and a horn,” I said vacantly, “just what on earth are you Princess?”
“I am the bringer of the night in Equestria,” she replied in a polite, albeit regal tone. “And what exactly are you?”
I decided to play along. “I am a human named Zachary Raes, though I prefer to go by Zack.” I glanced away from her. “I might not be the best person to be in your presence though.”
“Because you are a criminal,” she asked instantly.
My eyes widened and I looked at her curiously, wondering just what she actually knew. I have no real concept of just how much a delusion should know about a person. “Do I look like a criminal your highness?”
“No, you look like a creature that has had little rest and is instinctively ready to flee from confrontation. Do you frown on things to defend yourself?”
I chuckled. “I have a few rules that I follow to the letter. One of these rules is that to carry a weapon is to insult everyone that sees you. A different way of putting it is that a silver tongue does not usually leave corpses while a weapon has a tendency to.”
“Then you are a criminal correct?”
“Yes and a rather good one at that.” I reassessed my situation casually, noting the three dark coated pegasi clad in armor staring at me. Could be worse, I silently reassured myself, they could’ve been feds.
I was good at acting the part of a capable and highly productive employee, but below the surface identity was a careful and cautious imposter. While working on my assigned task I would familiarize myself with security and patrols, ready to slip away with whatever valuables I could. It was never personal; it was always either the challenge or the need. However, on the rare occasion, it was both. I wonder if the FBI’s found all my little ‘vaults’ filled with my ill-gotten gains by now.
Gradually I came to grips with the fact that I was standing before a winged unicorn in what I could assume was a throne room. That she had pegasus soldiers in black and purple armor. If I was hallucinating then it was very surreal. Then again, the sun was so warm on my skin and I started to notice how much Princess Luna was looking out to the sunlight. If she was the ruler of the night then that meant there was a different ruler during the day; that we were slowing government to a dead stop.
A new panic swept in where the old one had nestled itself. No longer was I fearing the police and federal agents, but now I was destroying a political process. “Perhaps we should leave Princess, surely there’s someone else who rules during the day.”
Luna only nodded and I heard the flapping of her guards’ wings, no doubt to remove the barricade that held the doors shut. “What about your transportation, how can we move it?”
“The engine won’t turn over so it’ll have to be moved manually,” I explained. I slipped back into the driver’s seat and tried the ignition one last time. When I heard it reject me again, I simply shifted the car into neutral. “There, it’s in neutral so we can more it freely. I’ll have to steer it, but it can be pushed and pulled now.” I knew I lacked both the tools and skill to repair a car so it was useless save for a large surplus of materials to cannibalize if need be.
Princess Celestia smiled placidly as she heard the movement of objects from inside her throne room. For now, she had simply taken up preparing court outside the room.
Wing Sheer on the other hand looked very pleased with himself. Not only was he not in trouble, but he was ordered to guard the solar princess for now. In the back of his mind, he could already see a promotion in his future as long as he did a good job. Regardless of how happy he was, his current instructions were just to stay in place like a statue.
“…and according to Princess Luna’s last report regarding royal decrees and policy changes,” droned a beige earth pony, “all that requires examination is the tax legislation and we should expect that from last night.”
“Thank you for bringing me up to speed Aureus,” Celestia replied. “What appointments do I have today?”
“You have an inquiry from Sweet Apple Acres,” replied Aureus, “it concerns the current drought in the region brought on by an excessively rainy early season.”
“Make sure to forward their inquiry to Cloudsdale, I understand that a significant proportion of the region’s crops come from Sweet Apple Acres and we need to maintain good relations with such a productive farm.” Celestia had no intention to play favorites to her student’s friends, but she enjoyed cider season too much to ruin the year for the Apple family. Then there were the Zap Apples… if the solar princess wasn’t trying to remain professional in her governing she would show every sign of a ravenous animal. “What else is there Aureus?”
“Well,” he winced, “Prince Blueblood has requested an appointment with you this morning.”
Just perfect, thought Celestia as she tried to restrain a scowl, just what I don’t need today.
“I know he’s insufferable but I can only come up with so many ways to get him to leave. You remember Tuesday when you tried to feign deathly ill?”
“And he brought half the hospital with him as soon as I thought he left. Yes I remember when that sort of thing used to work.” Celestia sighed. “Where did that gullible colt go?”
“You remember just as well as I do Princess Celestia. He was spoiled by his parents ever since he received his cutie mark.” Aureus shook his head. “Why don’t you just order him to attend the academy like every other noble stallion?”
“I tried, his mother managed to get him out of the academy right under my own hooves. The board claimed that he was unfit to serve and therefore unfit for lessons. I’ve tried to admit him every term ever since he started living away from his parents.”
“And every time he manages to get out of it. I’ll fill out the necessary paperwork for next term then.”
“Thank you but-” Princess Celestia paused as the large doors behind her creaked open. She turned to see a large contraption flanked by members of her sister’s guard.
“I am sorry for occupying the throne for so long Sister,” apologized Luna from her resting place on top of the car's roof.
My eye twitched nervously as I saw what we came out to. Sister, echoed the last word of Princess Luna’s sentence.
“Luna,” said the princess’ sister, “what in Equestria is this machine?”
“Isn’t it wondrous Celestia,” replied Luna cheerfully, “I got you a present!”
I opened up the driver’s side door and looked up to Luna as she reclined on the roof. “And just what’s the present, me or the car?”
“Luna,” said Celestia tersely, “may I have a word with you?”
Both Luna and I exchanged glances. “Um, excuse me Princess Celestia, but would you like us to move this back inside or bring it all the way out?”
After the car was clear of the doorway Luna was led into the throne room by her sister, the doors closing with a thunderous slam behind them. I waited calmly for all of ten seconds before I heard something.
“WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL NIGHT,” boomed Celestia’s voice. The volume of her voice, and the fact that I wasn’t listening at the door, told me she was far more angry than she looked.
“And so this guy’s Zack,” said one of the dusky pegasi to a couple of the guards who were out here.
“He’s not dangerous is he,” asked one.
“No he isn’t Sheer; he’s been surprisingly well behaved so far.”
“BUT THAT ISN’T THE POINT,” rang Celestia’s voice again.
I sighed and walked over to the talking soldiers. “Do they normally fight?”
“Well, if they do then they’re a lot quieter about it,” replied a beige pony on the fringe of the group. “Sorry, my name is Aureus.”
“This is all very strange to me Aureus, is there anything you can tell me to help things along?”
“Well I’m afraid that you arrival may have worn on Princess Celestia’s last vestige of patience this morning.”
“Why’s that?”
“It’s her nephew, Prince Blueblood. He has requested an appointment with her highness and well…”
“He’s an insufferable brat,” I suggested.
Aureus smiled. “Yes, I think that’s a polite way to put it. Princess Celestia hasn’t been willing to talk to Prince Blueblood for years. Not since he became, as you put it, an insufferable brat.”
“Well, perhaps I can help her in that department.”
“Oh, and just what do you think you could do?”
“What any criminal of my quality can do. The kind of thing I do best.”
“You expect Princess Celestia to ask for a criminal’s assistance?”
“I expect her to see that even a criminal can help her run a nation. I’ll need some tools for the job and, if you have a plan, I’ll need a few supplies more specific materials.” This sounds like good practice, I thought. Now, I have a rule about women. Actually, I have a few. The important one is to, regardless of the circumstance, always be polite and gentlemanly. After all, to quote Congreve, ‘Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.’
“I UNDERSTAND,” shrieked Celestia, “BUT HE’S A CRIMINAL!”
I sighed as I heard the lack of confidence screaming on the other side of the doors. “I’d rather take house arrest over prison if at all possible Aureus; I have to prove it to her don’t I?”
“I’m afraid so.”
I went back over to the car and fished through the glove box, hoping for a notepad and something to write with, no such luck. “I’m willing to do a little cloak and dagger to evade prison, but I need to write important things down so we’re all clear about what I’d like to get and what I can’t get.”
“So what’s ‘cloak and dagger’ Mr. Criminal,” asked a soldier. He was a white unicorn with a blue mane.
“It’s more secretive, like espionage, but you weren’t here earlier,” I replied, my mind ripe with curiosity. “I’d rather be called Zack if you don’t mind.” Though you may end up interrogating me, I thought. In that case, I’ll need to suggest ‘Mr. Raes’ instead.
“No I wasn’t, but I could hear the argument during my patrol.”
“So, correct me if I’m wrong but, now you want to know why nobody’s throwing me in prison?”
“Yes, if you are a criminal why are you just standing around in the palace?”
“I DON’T CARE,” roared Luna’s voice from past the doors.
“That seems to be where the argument is at right now,” I replied nervously.
“Well,” Aureus interjected, “I will have to risk going inside. I’ll need to announce Prince Blueblood soon.”
“Wait,” said unicorn with the blue mane, “does Princess Celestia know he’s on his way?”
“Yes she does, but she has no way to avoid him.”
“This fight,” I suggested. “We can all look busy by moving my car out of the way and someone can tell him to reschedule or something.”
“But we-”
“Just hear me out, I know my way around a situation. I fall into a different category of criminal than say a pickpocket or a,” I shivered at the thought of it, “killer. Okay, I have stolen from time to time but that’s not important. What is important is that I know how to talk my way around an issue. I specialize in white-collar crime. You know forgery, fraud, cons, that sort of thing. With the right supplies, I can forge just about any legal document.” I’ll just avoid the persuasion boasting for now, I reminded myself.
“That could work for a long term solution,” replied Aureus. “We need to get Prince Blueblood out of Princess Celestia’s mane for a while and you could help us with that.”
“What exactly would I be doing?”
“We can send Prince Blueblood to the academy and serve his time as a soldier, just like every noble stallion has to.”
“Then I’ll need handwriting samples, the proper inks, proper papers, formatting peculiarities, and examples of acceptance papers.”
“You’ll also need to learn our written language,” said Princess Celestia as the doors opened. She seemed far more composed than when I had fist seen her, but I suppose that what I saw was just as Aureus said, the last vestige of her patience.
“Yes, I suppose so your highness. Do you need anything else that will require my expertise?”
She gave me an impish grin. “I’ll tell you if something arises; Shining Armor?”
The unicorn with the blue mane stepped forward. “Yes Princess Celestia?”
“Show him to a guest quarters for the time being.” She turned to look directly at me, “I’ll make sure you receive all the tools you require Mr. Raes. As well as a tailor if you need one.”
“Thank you very much,” I replied as Princess Luna ducked out and Aureus slipped in, “I won’t disappoint you.”
“Better not,” Shining Armor whispered to me.
“We’ll help you with the car,” said one of the black armored pegasi.
*****
Getting the car around the castle was hard and we eventually chose to slip it into an, according to Shining Armor, rarely used corridor. I made a mental note to find a better place for it later.
“I think I agree with Captain Shining Armor,” said one of my guides. “For your own safety, you better not disappoint Princess Celestia.”
“Well, she rules half of the day right? I would hope I don’t displease her at the very least.” She seems like a tough employer, I silently added. I couldn’t deny that doing something like this would cement myself into a nice, albeit niche, position. Still, the ruler of the daylight hours sounded far too impressive to go forgotten in my mind.
Then there was Princess Luna. If I understood it right, then she ruled the other half of the day. Perhaps I was a curiosity to Luna and based on her alarm, Luna brought me here. I can’t exactly lean on her either, she could send me back and I fear for those prospects.
Eventually the only one left with me was Shining Armor, our resident Night Guards had elected to sleep. “I know you don’t approve of me,” I chanced.
“You’re right, I don’t approve,” he replied coldly, “you’re a criminal and then you show up here and expect us to just accept that?”
“I can’t prove I can help amend this ‘snobby prince’ issue without help. I’ll need the tools and materials Shining Armor.”
I had to quickly stop as he creaked open a door. “This will be your room for the time being.”
“Well then, thank you for showing me the way.” He didn’t even acknowledge my thanks as he trotted of. With a sigh, I walked into the dark room.
After fumbling around for a while, I found the window curtains and let the sun illuminate the room. “Work cut out for me,” I said dryly to the dusty, cobweb encrusted room. A gorgeous view of New York or a relaxing tropical beach it wasn’t, but this was where I picked up the last few shards of my former life. I was ready to mold them into my new life, one where I probably should watch what my hands grab.
Celestia continued to try to tune out Blueblood all morning, meeting with mixed results and a desperate urge to nap. You can do this, she reminded herself. Once he is called to the academy, you’ll be free of him until you have to inspect the new soldiers. Princess Celestia’s mind continued to drift along with thoughts of sending Blueblood to almost certain doom that she hardly even noticed that he had stopped talking.
“Is something wrong Princess,” asked Aureus as he looked up to her nervously.
Celestia cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, it’s our guest Aureus. I was wondering if he’s not being shown around too much.”
“There is a guest in the castle,” asked Blueblood, “I’ve not heard of anypony travelling to Canterlot to see you au… I’m sorry, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia smiled, her first genuine smile since Blueblood entered her sight. At least you remember I’m in charge nephew, she silently reprimanded. “We have a guest who has traveled a very long way to help me handle a few problems around Canterlot.”
“Well, would you mind introducing me to him?”
“I’m afraid I can’t, he would rather keep to himself while he gets acquainted with his new living arrangements.”
“Then could you please just-”
“It doesn’t matter how many times you ask or plead, I will not give an order to destroy a small town just because your night was ruined. It’s been a long time since then and you need to show everypony that you can rise above one unfortunate event.”
“But it-”
“I won’t hear another word about it. You are a prince, Blueblood. I expect you to act as a pillar for all of ponykind to follow if you wish to keep being called one.” Please take the hint and leave!
“Consider it dropped,” said Blueblood with a sigh. “I’ll let you get back to more important affairs Princess.” As he withdrew from Celestia’s sight everypony present felt more relieved.
These ponies aren’t too bad, but I know when a skeptic is coming by my room simply by the volume of their hoofsteps. It’s hard to get most of their calligraphy down, even after days of study and I’ve been at it for nearly two weeks.
Luna visits every other evening to see how I’m going, but my progress slows to a snail’s pace as she quizzes me on current tax laws and the absentminded clacking sound of beads on her abacus while she’s checking my work. Speaking off…
CLICK
The click of every single bead is a test of my pati…
CLICK
Patience…
“You are doing far better this time,” she commented. “You made this margin last time though. Why are you?”
“I did most of my work on my own, especially my finances. What I always did was collect a small lump sum to pick up the slack and find where things are falling through. Also, if I read all of the past samples correctly then isn’t Manehattan suffering a financial crunch and Stalliongrad isn’t paying all of their taxes.”
“That was indeed the case. I’m sorry Zack but I cannot share current policies.”
“Naturally, I’m a flight risk, but how did this get sorted out when it was current?”
“I tried a similar idea, where I found the issue and Manehattan is doing very well now.”
“What about Stalliongrad?”
“Well, they’ve recovered from the fines I made sure they were levied. You did this all the time though?”
“Yes, it may have cost me last time but it works beyond a doubt. By managing your funds with an overflow you can find where the problem areas are…”
“…and fix them, I know. How are your forgeries going?”
“I can get most of the writing styles down, but I’m having issues with Rolean’s and Janisar’s signature nuances. I found something interesting though, ‘rolean’ is part of ‘Carolean’ and ‘janisar’ is part of ‘Janissary.’ I find it curious.”
“How is it curious,” she asked as she examined my copies.
“Caroleans and Janissaries are soldiers of different nations from my world. Caroleans are soldiers from Sweden during the late 17th century. Janissaries were Ottoman soldiers and the first musketeers in the world.”
“You can recall information like that off the top of your head?”
“I studied military history in college. I really enjoyed writing that term paper on the 14th century Ottoman Empire.”
“You didn’t favor the studies though, you make an excellent forger.”
“Some of my best work came from understanding history. Once, I slipped a proper copy that looked more like the original than what I stole. I made no money on it, actually I lost quite a bit, but it felt like too much of a crime for something to have such a bad replica.”
“So you’ve done acts of charity in addition to theft?”
“I’ve done things to at least make a person’s collection look real when it had an obvious fake in it. It would be a crime not to make it a proper collection.”
“What was it?”
“A painting, and I love paintings more than anything else I’ve stolen.”
“What about the original?”
“In a museum, I stole their replica and gave it to the collector.”
“But if you had the original…”
“It would be a crime to have a poor collection,” I repeated musingly.
The lunar princess blinked. “Every time I think I’ve figured you out you surprise me once more. Unfortunately I’ve found a flaw in your counterfeits, they lack a magical feeling.”
“Since I can’t do magic then I can’t make a perfect forgery. Believable at first glance, but it can’t stand up to thorough scrutiny then. Seems like such a shame to write it and never be capable of making it indiscernible. How thorough do you think Blueblood will look it over?”
“Since his mother has tried to keep him out of the academy I would say every last detail.”
“Then I’ll need to refine the signature for both Rolean and Janisar and I’ll need someone to falsify the magical aura.”
“Or you could convince them to sign it.”
“You think they would listen to both a stranger and an unknown species?” It’ll be just like that bible I stole, I silently added. I’m not Catholic, and was I surprised that I could pass as clergy at all. I was amazed that it worked long enough to finish the job.
“Try to be charming,” she added pleasantly before leaving.
After I heard the door shut, I groaned in frustration, I needed a miracle. I had no clue where to begin with nine ponies. I’ll need to have a word with Celestia in the morning…
*****
The sun blared in my eyes when I woke up. Long nights and I wanted to wake up at sunrise, what was I thinking? “I need coffee,” I mumbled to the empty room. I looked at the bags under my eyes in the mirror. “Lots of coffee,” I added to my bloodshot reflection.
I didn’t expect anything on such a short notice from a pony tailor, but everything fits in all the right places. Well, shirts are a little too firm at the shoulders but I can’t complain too much. After running a comb through my hair, I headed down to the dining hall, praying to run into the solar princess on my way. As the trip went by however fate decided to complicate things.
“Hey,” called a voice down a side hall.
I froze. Damn, why didn’t I take the route that goes past the car? “Yes,” I asked as I turned to see one of the guards I recognized as Wing Sheer.
“I thought you were supposed to stay in your room until you were done,” he said as he grew closer.
“How am I supposed to give Princess Celestia a progress report if I’m isolated in a thirty foot area surrounding my room?”
“Well, um… yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“I got up early so I could make sure Princess Celestia knew how I was going. And I’ve got something to talk to her about.”
“What is it?”
“Something I need to personally talk to her about.”
“Yeah, I get it; you’ve made your point. Let’s go, we should be able to get to her before she starts court if we hurry.” He broke out at a brisk canter and I ran after him.
*****
“Nearly to the dining hall Zack,” he called back to me, “she should still be here.”
I was panting hard, had to be halfway across the castle from my room and it better have been worth the run. Was I out of shape? Not really, but I’m working on less sleep than I should. It’s been days since I had a descent night’s sleep. All the work, all the examination, all the study, this sort of thing isn’t done overnight and you work when you have time. However, getting to her good side and getting what I needed was enough to keep me going.
No sooner did we near the doors than they swung open, enveloped in a pale golden light.
“Is there something I can help you with,” she asked me as her eyes met mine.
“I wanted to report my progress your highness,” I replied with a hint of hesitation.
“Princess Celestia,” added Aureus nervously, “we have a very busy schedule today and I think this shouldn’t be discussed lightly.”
“Actually I’ll just be brief.”
“Then we’ll walk and talk Mr. Raes,” Celestia said politely as she passed me.
I turned on my heel and followed her. “According to your sister, I’ve hit a snag in my project.”
“Oh, and what kind of snag is that?”
“One I can’t work around, there’s no magical aura about the papers. I have them nearly complete, but they’ll be under heavy scrutiny and that means-”
“They need to be perfect, I know.”
“Is it possible to forge a magical signature?”
“Forge magic,” interjected the earth pony, “that’s nonsense!”
“The problem is I can’t make them perfect without these signatures being perfect. Since I can’t perform magic myself then there’s a serious problem.”
“I can make time to examine your work later,” Celestia remarked with a pleasant smile. “We can address the issue then, now get some rest, you deserve it for making it this far Zachary.” She went left down a side corridor, leaving me at the crossroads.
If I continued down the path I would quickly be back at my room, where my bed was beckoning for me to get back to sleep. At that moment however, I was practically floating on air. Princess Celestia, one of my harshest critics, called me by my first name. It was such a minor thing, but at the same time, it meant the world to me. I practically drifted down the corridor and barely recognized that I was back in my room before long, passed out on my bed.
Respect from a critic is hard to receive, even more so when they were skeptical about you to begin with. By the time I woke in the late afternoon, I felt far better than in the morning, but that feeling was still there. I couldn’t truly place it anymore, was it joy of a job well done? Could it have been her acceptance? Perhaps it was what I could fool myself into the most though. One of the most powerful people in the land, my harshest critic, saw that I had a place in her country.
Whatever the real reason, I needed to look far better than in the morning. After a soothing bath, courtesy of the bathroom across the hall, I returned to find a scroll and fresh change of clothes waiting for me. As I dressed, I opened the scroll and read it silently.
Dear Princess Celestia,
My friends and I all learned an important lesson this week: Never judge a book by its cover. Someone may look unusual, or funny, or scary. But you have to look past that and learn who they are inside. Real friends don't care what your “cover” is; It's the contents of a pony that count. And a good friend, like a good book, is something that will last forever.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
“Curious,” I said as I slipped my shirt on.
“I think so too” came Princess Celestia’s soothing voice from the doorway. “I looked over your work while you were out and I remembered this letter from Twilight Sparkle. I thought I’d share this lesson with you.”
“It hits a little close to home, exceedingly close, not a whole lot of people knew who I really was. All they ever knew was the façade I showed them. A charming businessman, a skilled thief, a forger, even,” I bit my lip, “a boyfriend. Are there more of these?”
“Several, but I think I could’ve learned this lesson a little more like Twilight and her friends. When my sister told me that you were a criminal, I jumped to conclusions and thought that she wanted to hide you away from your pursuers. What she tried to tell me was that she had seen and heard you in her dreams and that it probably wouldn’t stop until you no longer piqued her subconscious’ curiosity.”
“I do owe her for stealing me from my pursuers, but I think it might be more than merely curiosity that brought me here. Perhaps it was fate?”
“I think I have a solution for you Zachary, how we can disguise the missing magical touch.”
“Convince them to actually sign it,” I asked, hopeful of the best solution.
“No, acceptance letters were mailed out two days ago. If my magic is coating it then Prince Blueblood will think that I was trying to dispute the letter myself.”
I couldn’t help but let my lips curl into a wicked smile. “You certainly have a mean streak in you Princess.”
“He’s been a thorn in everypony’s side for far too long.”
“Aside from being insufferable in general, what’s he like?”
“A yearly event called the Grand Galloping Gala that happened a few years ago was, in his opinion, ruined. He took it as a personal affront and has been asking incessantly for me to do something about the town where the troublemakers come from.”
“But you’ve refused and avoided him for as long as you can right?”
“Yes and I’ve done nearly everything I can think of to make him stop.”
“Have you tried taking away his title or his wealth?”
“I’d never hear the end of it from his mother, and if you can believe it, she’s worse than him.”
The fact that there seemed to be someone worse than a prince who wanted a place ‘taken care of’ for one ruined evening made me cringe. I have standards and that crossed the line on so many levels. “There has to be someone who is as kind as he is spoiled. Please tell me there is.”
“Yes there is, Shining Armor’s wife is nearly his polar opposite.”
I recalled the resolute stallion, who seemed to keep a careful eye on me whenever he could spare the time. “And who is the lucky mare?”
“Princes Mi Amore Cadenza, though she prefers Cadance.”
“Well, ‘mi amore,’ if it’s like back home, means ‘my love’ in one of my favorite foreign languages to speak. If that’s the case then she would rather it said by someone closer.”
“Is that your professional opinion?”
I noticed her face had grown a sly grin, a telltale sign of her fishing for information. “I love what are called the romance languages, and just hearing them makes me melt a little inside.” Though I appreciated the praise, it wasn’t much compared to the rushing beat of my heart.
“Back to my plan though.”
“It sounds reasonable enough for me Prin-” she cut me off with a raised hoof.
“When we’re alone Celestia will be fine.”
“All right then Celestia. Would you, in turn, just call me Zack?”
“If you insist,” she answered quickly. “You’ve done a very good job Zack; I’ll take care of it from here.” She levitated my completed work and the letter from her student to her side and left.
As the door closed behind her I could still hear my heart throbbing. Now I had a better idea of what it meant. She was, in her own way, the greatest challenge, the greatest rush of my life. The greatest job of my criminal career had begun; I was ready to try to con myself. Lying to yourself is far simpler than this, I wasn’t trying to kid myself that this was something like a fake identity. This was me trying to tell myself that this wasn’t just a thing on the job. It was genuine, unbridled affection.
The normally calm and even strides of the solar princess had been replaced with a canter that could be defined only as ecstatic. She maintained a concerned look on her face as she looked like she was busy examining the forgery. He may have been a criminal, but there was a certain artistry in the false watermark and elegant penmanship that was normally found with the most steady magic control.
“‘Tia,” called Luna as she rushed to her sister’s side, “Is that what I think it is?”
“Yes,” she replied with a calm and even tone, “I’m finding that I can’t prevent this. I’ll have to comply with the academy for once.”
“That means that,” the younger sister trailed off as she caught on.
“Yes, Prince Blueblood will have to attend the academy starting as soon as he receives this letter.”
“Princess Celestia,” said Aureus during breakfast the next morning, “Prince Blueblood wishes to see you as soon as possible regarding something. He erm… he wasn’t very specific about why.”
“I suggest you aren’t late for what he has to say your highness,” I said with a brief nod. I had found a note on my desk in the morning to join Celestia for breakfast.
Celestia looked over to me and simply smiled. “Thank you Zachary, make sure he doesn’t see you.”
I did my best to restrain a chuckle. “Well, my skills are deteriorating quickly. I would hope my ability to vanish is still there.” I rose from my seat and slipped around to her side. “Straight face Celestia,” I whispered in her ear.
“I know,” she whispered back. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to lie to him.”
I wanted an excuse, I thought, but I think I’ll refrain from telling her for now. Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve loved every woman I’ve ever dated, even the ones I had to lie to about everything.
Celestia bade everybody present a good day and left for the throne room. She tried to remain composed but regularly found the same happy feeling from the day prior returning to her. She often recomposed herself with the same thought: Blueblood finally being out of her mane for a while.
The mere notion of him serving was deplorable, after all who would actually permit him to be a competent soldier. However, she could just send him to some far off outpost in the middle of nowhere and let him drive himself insane. Unfortunately, this often brought back the spring in her step.
Regardless the reason for her joy, Celestia made her way past several soldiers and once she entered the throne room, she composed herself, ready for the impending argument.
I finished my breakfast calmly and casually read the nearby newspaper. I found the local newspaper, the Canterlot Press, curious and mostly filled with simple day-to-day events and reviews of whatever theater performance was in town. It was at least a more pleasant read than the Equestria Daily which often times criticized the princesses and complained about the taxes in Las Pegasus being too high.
“Let’s see,” I said absentmindedly, “the weather’s sunny until the weekend.” It felt odd every time I saw the weather report since Luna told me about Cloudsdale and its Weather Factory. Even after the explanation though, it still bothered me. “Where’s the delight in completely predictable weather? How can a guy enjoy a little time under a tree with a date in the rain if everyone knows when it’ll rain? I suppose it would just have to take someone getting lazy to have a moment like that.”
Aureus cleared his throat as he entered the throne room. “Your highness, I would like to announce Prince Blueblood.”
No sooner than the words left the earth pony’s mouth than the blond-maned unicorn rushed in. “Your highness, I beg you tell me if this message is a joke.” There was a scroll held closely to his side wrapped in a pale blue hue.
Princess Celestia mentally fought back the grin curling at the edges of her mouth. “What do you mean my dear nephew?”
“Thi…this letter,” he managed as he levitated it towards Celestia. “Please, I have to know why I was sent this letter.”
Celestia’s magic quickly enveloped the scroll as she pulled it towards her. “Yes,” she said pensively as she examined it’s broken seal, “I happen to recall reading this since it was brought to my attention.”
“You’ve examined it then?”
“Yes, I have thoroughly examined the letter. I know how you were withdrawn from the academy when you were younger and I wanted to make sure this document was genuine.” Come on, she silently urged. You can keep a straight face. Just remember, this is for all of Equestria’s good.
Blueblood stared at the piece of parchment as the solar diarch sent it back to him. “Please, Princess Celestia. Please tell me it isn’t real.”
Celestia wore her best sympathetic face for the disheveled prince. “I’m sorry Blueblood, but I’ve tried to rescind their decision. You will have to serve, regardless of your misgivings.”
Despite Celestia’s expectation of an ostentatious counter, Blueblood hung his head. “Then I will have to prepare to attend the academy. I hope that you would please not inform my mother, I don’t want her to make a scene in your presence.”
“Of course, be ready to arrive in Stalliongrad by the start of next week. I’ll inform them about your decision to accept their letter as soon as possible.”
“I understand, thank you for trying your best Princess Celestia.” Slowly, he retreated a few steps. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll have to prepare.” Something’s not right, he thought. If only I could place my hoof on what exactly it was. If I’m wrong though I could be implicated in a crime to overthrow Princess Celestia!
“I’ll try to get you a position back in Canterlot as soon as you finish your time at the academy,” she called to the departing prince. After I make sure your service is as difficult as possible, Celestia silently added. Now, please close those doors so I can actually smile and savor everypony’s collective freedom from your presence.
After savoring every possible moment of breakfast, I took Celestia’s words to heart and did my best to slip into the back corridors of the palace. The real problem I saw with this idea in general though was it was a sunny day, clear skies, and the general fact that there were an alarming number windows and terraces. With a sigh of regret, I just walked casually through the palace, making my way back towards my room.
*****
Every time I go this way, I always see the same crimson red pegasus. She’s usually really polite, says good morning, and returns to whatever she’s working on. Today though, she looked like she was waiting for me.
“Forgive me for saying this but you might want to take a different corridor,” she told me.
“Why would you suggest that Miss…”
“Actually it’s Mrs. if you don’t mind,” she corrected. “My name is Ruby and I suggest that because there’s a delegate who likes to wander the hallways before he’s seen in the afternoon. I saw him and thought you should be warned.”
I bit my lip, Celestia didn’t want me being seen and if I double backed then someone may see me. “Which way would you suggest then?”
“You’re off on the other side of the castle so I suggest you head back to the last fork and make your way out into the gardens. You can get back into the castle on the far side and make your way back to your room that way.”
“Why help me Mrs. Ruby?”
She looked over her shoulder before staring at me. “I’ll explain later,” she hissed, “but you need to go now.”
I followed her idea and rushed down the corridor I recently passed. Far down this new path, I came to a door I had been warned not to use and, despite warnings, opened it to see a lush field of green grass with flowers of every color and perfectly maintained shrubbery.
*****
I spent an alarming amount of time enjoying the sights, wondering why I wasn’t permitted to see such a nice place. I was supposed to be escaping back to my room and it was drifting into the afternoon before I began to hear two ponies talking nearby. As I got closer, I could hear them far clearer and couldn’t help but overhear.
“…I noticed the spring in Princess Celestia’s step Shining,” came a female voice from the balcony above me.
“That doesn’t mean he’s involved,” replied the unicorn’s resolute voice. Even after all this time, after everything I try to do, he doesn’t trust me one iota. If I dared to blame him, then I’d be questioning his position.
“I think you should give him a chance.”
“Cadance, do you think we should’ve given Chrysalis a chance?”
“No! I mean, I hear he’s nice and he’s not trying to hide the fact that he’s done bad things.”
“He struts around the castle like he’s royalty. I can’t tolerate that a criminal could be, as unlikely as it sounds, manipulating Princess Celestia. Do you even think Princess Luna cares about what she did?”
Strut, I thought with an irritated glare to the balcony where the pair talked. Since when have I strutted around here? I really couldn’t say anywhere though, I’ve had to play the part of so many uptight high-society toadies before that I’ve had to get strutting down to an art form. I don’t like to strut, that’s all there is to it.
“Do you see her mane covered in spiders today?”
“Well no but-”
“What about being painted?”
I continued to listen to the Capitan losing ground in this discussion. It seemed to help me learn a little about the mare of my affection though. How much she picked on her sister was pretty sold in my mind now, but I just don’t know exactly how long it’s been going on. It could be days, months, years, or even just one of those ‘sibling things’.
By the time I decided to leave, the thought continued to stir in my mind. It disturbed me to say the least; I mean would she spurn me just for a laugh? Would she even care if I had feelings for her? I had no answers and the questions continued to pile up.
Celestia’s heart was indeed an interesting challenge. I doubt I could be pushed to my limits without something so unusual to aspire to take as my own. “I think I’ll need to talk to Luna,” I muttered to the vacant hallway I turned down. She might know how I could impress her sister, I silently added.
Princess Cadance gave a sigh of relief. “You saw him didn’t you Shining?”
Shining Armor nodded. “I don’t appreciate his eavesdropping but I suppose it makes us even for-”
“Sounding like a complete jerk,” she suggested, doing her best to stifle a giggle.
“Yes, sounding like a complete jerk… hey! Cadance, I thought you weren’t going to do that to me anymore!”
She giggled at the simple joke on her husband. “I am being serious though. You are being really harsh on him.”
“Well, it’s because he’s a criminal and I’m a guard. If I wasn’t then I wouldn’t be doing a very good job would I?”
“He deserves a chance though. He got rid of Blueblood after all right?”
Shining Armor sighed. “You’re right, nopony has gotten rid of him for too long and I have to hope he’s out of our manes for a while. If he can keep Blueblood out of Canterlot for a few months then I’ll be impressed.”
“And if Blueblood never comes back?”
“If Blueblood never returns, or at least stops trying to have Ponyville razed, then I may just see him in a better light.”
Cadance merely smiled. It’s a start.
I looked out my bedroom window, seeing the gardens once more in the light of the setting sun. Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. I knew it all too well now. I had some freedom to move about the castle, but I had to remain as hidden as possible. Most of the castle’s staff didn’t really react to my presence, but some were at least kind enough to greet me.
“I wonder if she knows why a caged bird sings,” I asked nobody in particular as I looked out to the lush place I only briefly visited. Sure, I wouldn’t get a reply but at least the garden was a good listener. I sprawled out on my bed and began to hum a few bars of a tune slowly.
