I don't know how much this actually solves the problem, though I do prefer this version to the original. Mind you, the way you had it before didn't necessarily make the story bad, at least in my eyes. That said, I like this a lot more than before.
Still don't know if I'm personally happy with this chapter. LIke, the other chapters were short, but I wouldn't describe them as rushed. This one feels rushed and poorly paced.
It's not a knock on the story, because I love it so far, I just think a bit better pacing would benefit this chapter immensely.
But hey, if you're happy with the chapter then that's all you need.
A few things: 1.) In chapter 2 the topic of anal is brought up, both Dash and Spike express their dislike of it, and then it's never brought back up again. Spike doesn't even think about it during his date with Rarity. So why is it even in there? It feels like a minute and unnecessary detail that's only there to express a dislike of anal. XD 2.) It hasn't been explained why exactly Rainbow Dash has feelings for Spike. The only persistent evidence we have right now is that he's apparently a good lay, which I endlessly hope Rainbow isn't THAT shallow. The same thing goes for Spike too. They had sex once and now they love each other? I can kind of understand why Spike might feel that way, because it was his first time, but he also had romantic feelings for Rarity beforehand so I think he might understand the difference between love and lust. The "let's take it slow" change was a good change to make in chapter 4, and I think having the characters talk about why they love each other while they watch a movie (good romantic setting) next chapter would be hugely beneficial for the story.
You're pacing is still way off. Way too much is happening in too short a time. Three major events happened in 1599 words; Rainbow's and Rarity's talk, Spike's and Rarity's date, and Spike going back with Rainbow. That's only 533 words per event. That's nowhere near enough time given to each for them to be properly fleshed out.
To put that in perspective, this comment alone has 103 words in it, as short as it is. So, five of these equal what you put into each major event. Don't be afraid to write more. We'll wait for you to finish fleshing things out.
... in fact, I've been wanting to do this kind of story for a while, and pacing is one of the most important things to a story.
To you, the author:
Great story, still, same problem, the pacing is too fast. You have everything right; the characters, their emotions, their attitudes, but the detail of the story and pacing is your only problem. Still, I'll look past it and still read it, knowing it's a great story.
Spike, you are a Slack Twisted IDIOT! (I.E. typical teenage guy ).
The rule is: When you are on a date, you are with The Bright & Glowing *Center*Of*The*Universe. You do NOT talk about other women, look at other women, & you sure as Hell do not ditch your date to be with another woman. This is because, when you are with The Bright & Glowing *Center*Of*The*Universe there are no other women! Yes, you are (vaguely) aware that there are other people in the universe & you suppose that some of them might be female, but THERE ARE NO other women around because you are with The Bright & Glowing *Center*Of*The*Universe.
The other 2 would have ditched you & stuck you with the check. One would have run off crying, the other not.
All 3 of them would have been your enemy for life. I can't believe Rarity will ever forgive you for this public humiliation. It could have waited until tomorrow.
The door to the bathroom opened, revealing Rarity wearing a tight black dress that hugged every curve. “A lady should never keep her date waiting.” The neckline cut deep, showing off a generous amount of her cleavage.
Rarity strode over to him expertly on heels, now towering over the sitting young man.
I don’t know why, but this gives off major Lady Dimitrescu vibes now.
Also, this chapter took a turn I wouldn’t have expected at all. Like I figured it would’ve happened a chapter or two later, not as the date was still starting. And honestly, I was kind of uncomfortable reading it.
"High class establishments like these pride themselves on style and appearance." Rarity explained, rubbing his fingers. "These meals are a sort of art, in their own way. I'm sorry you're disappointed, Spikey… I can make it up to you later tonight, if you'd like. There are other ways we could enjoy our evening together…"
Hey, back in the day, really fancy restaurants had 2 menus. The ones for women didn't have the prices listed.
I don't know how much this actually solves the problem, though I do prefer this version to the original. Mind you, the way you had it before didn't necessarily make the story bad, at least in my eyes. That said, I like this a lot more than before.
I actually think this version makes more sense.
I still think this was neat
Still don't know if I'm personally happy with this chapter. LIke, the other chapters were short, but I wouldn't describe them as rushed. This one feels rushed and poorly paced.
It's not a knock on the story, because I love it so far, I just think a bit better pacing would benefit this chapter immensely.
But hey, if you're happy with the chapter then that's all you need.
Keep up the good work!
7466493 Love makes you do the most craziest of things I guess.
A few things:
1.) In chapter 2 the topic of anal is brought up, both Dash and Spike express their dislike of it, and then it's never brought back up again. Spike doesn't even think about it during his date with Rarity. So why is it even in there? It feels like a minute and unnecessary detail that's only there to express a dislike of anal. XD
2.) It hasn't been explained why exactly Rainbow Dash has feelings for Spike. The only persistent evidence we have right now is that he's apparently a good lay, which I endlessly hope Rainbow isn't THAT shallow. The same thing goes for Spike too. They had sex once and now they love each other? I can kind of understand why Spike might feel that way, because it was his first time, but he also had romantic feelings for Rarity beforehand so I think he might understand the difference between love and lust.
The "let's take it slow" change was a good change to make in chapter 4, and I think having the characters talk about why they love each other while they watch a movie (good romantic setting) next chapter would be hugely beneficial for the story.
Well after reading the remaster with it's... like... three some odd changed parts...
Lets all just take a Fresh Start, ok guys?
You're pacing is still way off. Way too much is happening in too short a time. Three major events happened in 1599 words; Rainbow's and Rarity's talk, Spike's and Rarity's date, and Spike going back with Rainbow. That's only 533 words per event. That's nowhere near enough time given to each for them to be properly fleshed out.
To put that in perspective, this comment alone has 103 words in it, as short as it is. So, five of these equal what you put into each major event. Don't be afraid to write more. We'll wait for you to finish fleshing things out.
7481042 I agree, the pacing is much too fast...
... in fact, I've been wanting to do this kind of story for a while, and pacing is one of the most important things to a story.
To you, the author:
Great story, still, same problem, the pacing is too fast. You have everything right; the characters, their emotions, their attitudes, but the detail of the story and pacing is your only problem. Still, I'll look past it and still read it, knowing it's a great story.
Keep it up.
ah oh well I guess you are going by US drinking age of 21
here in Canada it is 19
7 months to go for me
Spike, you are a Slack Twisted IDIOT! (I.E. typical teenage guy ).
The rule is: When you are on a date, you are with The Bright & Glowing *Center*Of*The*Universe. You do NOT talk about other women, look at other women, & you sure as Hell do not ditch your date to be with another woman. This is because, when you are with The Bright & Glowing *Center*Of*The*Universe there are no other women! Yes, you are (vaguely) aware that there are other people in the universe & you suppose that some of them might be female, but THERE ARE NO other women around because you are with The Bright & Glowing *Center*Of*The*Universe.
I've got 3 sisters. If you had treated any of them that way, one of them would have picked up the chair she was sitting on & busted it over your head, then stomped on you until the cops showed up & dragged her off of you (she was one of the Mean Girls)
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=winx+club+mean+girls&&view=detail&mid=6D223263B9199D293E796D223263B9199D293E79&FORM=VRDGAR
The other 2 would have ditched you & stuck you with the check. One would have run off crying, the other not.
All 3 of them would have been your enemy for life. I can't believe Rarity will ever forgive you for this public humiliation. It could have waited until tomorrow.
I don’t know why, but this gives off major Lady Dimitrescu vibes now.
Also, this chapter took a turn I wouldn’t have expected at all. Like I figured it would’ve happened a chapter or two later, not as the date was still starting. And honestly, I was kind of uncomfortable reading it.
Hey, back in the day, really fancy restaurants had 2 menus. The ones for women didn't have the prices listed.