Chapter 6 - The Friend (Unedited)
"About an hour and a half," shouted back Celestia as I moved to the dining room with the guard in tow.
"So, see anything interesting Mr..." I trail off, hoping to take my mind off of what just happened. Surely there should be ponies panicking, for god's sake's I just blow up the bloody throne room... Damn, I forgot to sit on the throne. So I can at least get a little revenge at Celly who's keeping me locked up in here... well I guess I can't complain about it too much, free food and shelter not to mention if I hugged anything it will burst into flames or melt.
"Sharp, Sharp Sight. And do fairly large flaming alicorn's count? If they don't then I need to get out more," Sharp Sight interjected. as he kept some distance about five feet if I were to guess, oh and he is sweating up a storm. Well, he is right next to me, and my hair is still plasma... How is he not dead, I don't know much about plasma but I know it's damn hot, and if you get close enough it will melt your face off.
"Sorry about the heat, I can't really control it," I really need to learn how to control this power, as nice as it is I am kinda getting sick of tasting ash for food, I mean ash tastes a whole heck of a lot better than I thought it would.
"I can understand that. There used to be a little filly that ran around here with so much magical pressure it could give somepony a headache if you stayed near her too long," Sharp explained as he directed me to the left.
"Magical Pressure?" I am honestly very curious about magic and this sounds a bit like an anime thing.
"You don't know what magical pressure is? Celestia should have told you about it, but I guess she must have been teaching you how to access your magic instead?" Sharp looked to me for an answer I only shrugged in response and when I didn't elaborate he let out a sigh.
"Well, I guess I should give you the basics, if you noticed the princesses mane and tail, along with your own you can clearly see it is much different, that is because you have so much magic pressure that it's visible, now most pony's can handle around one thousand thaumic units, any more and bad things usually happen. That filly I told you about, well, she would have around one and a half thousand thaumic units and since she didn't know how to lower her thaumic power it could cause a headache in less resistant ponies, Princess Luna and Princess Celestia have been rumored to have thaumic measurements in the hundreds of thousands, if a pony were to experience something like that they would most certainly become unconscious, but I am no magic expert, as you might have noticed I am not wearing a wizard cloak and hat, but this is more or less common knowledge. Don't quote me on that info, though," Sharp seems like a decent pony, and that's a lot to chew on as well, wonder what my thaumic measurement it?
"Wow, that's a lot of info, thanks for the chat, nice to see somepony isn't that afraid of me." Sharp beamed back at me as he motioned for me to go into the dining room, damn I hadn't been paying attention to my surroundings, looks like I'm going to get lost a lot.
"I will see you around, sharp," I say to him over my back as I walk into the dining room, Luna is already waiting there, I increase my pace as to not keep her waiting on me.
"Hey, Luna sorry if you had to wait too long," I explain to her as I sit down on the chair. Didn't think they would be the same furniture here but whatever.
"What?" I state as Luna was looking at me with an odd look.
"Oh, it's nothing too much its just the fact that you missed the fact that there is an obsidian chair to your left, and the one your on is wooden," she explained.
I don't know what she's going- Oh she is right, man I do not take notice of my surroundings. I raise myself from my seat and move to the other chair. I can hear a thunk behind me from the wooden chair collapsing from the fact that it was supporting my ass, which is very very hot.
"Sorry about that, I have been in thought a lot, I feel like I'm missing something," Technically not a lie I am missing my family, even though I live on my own I still have a good relationship with my mother, and I can't just go shouting out the fact that I'm an alien in a pony body, I know for a fact that will get me into a crazy house.
"Well, I don't know what you are missing, but if you would like I can get you a new guest room," Luna tells me with a smile on her face. As she motions a waiter to her side.
"Will it be 'me' proof?" It better well be, I haven't slept on anything soft in such a long time.
I watch as she order's her food before she turns to me "The floor will be made of obsidian as it is slightly more heat resistant than marble." she explains to me, but before I can take more of her time with questions she continues on. "What would you like to eat?" In response to that, I give her a deadpan look.
"What?" Luna actually looks bewildered at my response.
"Luna, what happens when you put something in a fire?" I ask to her as I straighten up on my obsidian chair, honestly, it seems as though it's more like a mini-throne, rather than a chair.
"It burn's what is your point here... oh, sorry we did not know about that, truly must be a punishment to endure never tasting food," She honestly does look apologetic.
"It's fine, not really sure why but I am a bit irritable right now. But it's not as bad as it seems, really, the ash doesn't taste too bad," Oh wow now she looks like a heartbroken puppy.
"It seems like you have a cruel existence, if ash tastes good in your eyes you truly haven't had any other 'food' here have you," It was more a statement then a question and I feel bad for tricking them... Kinda, but I am already in a gilded cage no need to turn that into an actual cage.
"Yeah, I haven't had any food at all in my time here," Once again technically not a lie, she looks a little more downtrodden if that's even possible.
"We swear to you, Rose, that we - I mean I shall do everything in my power to teach you how to control your flames, so you can taste the majestic form of pancakes and other delicacies of this modern era," Luna celebrates with much enthusiasm. I just got myself into something big, didn't I?
*POP*
"What in the nine hells is THAT," I shout out, I fall off my Obsidian throne-thing in surprise as what I can only guess is a chimera wearing a raincoat and boots whilst having beach shorts on sudden teleports on the table with a ruby scepter with a toilet on it.
"Good Milk day, Luna, Celestia, oh what a wonderful time for milk," he shouts, I think he is confused me with Celestia.
"My, my Celestia you look a little different, done a little something to your hair, must be why you called me here. Tea time with me is simply so much more fun than with him," he points to a small ventriloquist doll on his lion paw, an exact copy of him at that. No, wait he has three arms now and the dummy is on the third one. This thing is giving me a headache just watching this.
"How dare you Discord, I am much better at tea time than you are-" His dummy which actually talked while he was drinking out of the toilet on his staff was cut off by luna
"Enough of your antics discord we did not foresee your arrival so soon, it usually takes at least three weeks before you answer a request. So as much as I... 'Enjoy' your company please come back at a later time," Luna does not like this thing period, he seems a little coo-coo to me but fairly nice.
"Why I am hurt lulu, simply hurt. I am not that predictable, I do not take exactly three weeks each time to answer a summons. And you Celly, being naughty again have we, last time you were like this I couldn't wait for the birds to get to my glorious stoned mug, their droppings whilst annoying were a much-needed cool off," He seems smug and, wait Celestia looked like this, what did he mean by cool off, man this Discord guy is really confusing, I mean I did stupid things while I was drunk I did not bath in bird shit to cool off.
"Uhh, my name isn't Celly,-" Discord interrupted me before I could continue.
"And I thought you didn't like being called Celery, Celestia, really you make me work so hard to get a good nickname, but since I am feeling so generous with all my good deeds done," He points at a window that was not there before with a picture of him in sequence of taking an apple dipping it in hot sauce and then giving it to a random pony, which he then proceeds to laugh his ass off while the pony's mouth froze over, his entire mouth was frozen shut.
"Uhh right, but I'm not Celestia my name is Rose." I'm cut off again as he was listing nicknames before he stopped
"Got it, your new nickname is now Solar Flare. Wait, you're, not Celestia?" he actually seemed confused for once, the look does no suit him.
"I could have sworn I had the right signature," he mumbles
"Ohh never mind then, I shall introduce myself," He stops to clear his throat.
"I am known as Discord kaos xaos the third from the era of kagubot the dezòd, I am the mighty conqueror of candy island and bringer of chocolate milk and rambutan, and the spirit of chaos himself," this guy is a walking comedy act, I am quite sure he just said chaos in other languages a few times.
"Nice to meet you?" Really I am thoroughly freaked out but he seems nice?
"Lovely to meet you, my fair lady, now tell me, do you want a chocolate?" I can see luna shaking her head frantically at me pretty much begging me not to eat it.
"Sure, I am quite hungry," and I pop the offered chocolate head of discord into my mouth before it hit my mouth though it turned into a blue flower, but is completely eviscerated from the heat of my mouth
"Best tasting ash I have ever had since birth," That was not a lie at all, it tasted faintly of apples.
"Finally somepony who doesn't hesitate to take something I offer, geez you would think they would be a little nicer don't you think Rose?" Discord floats around my neck, acting the part of an expensive scarf while luna is just glaring at him. Defidentally, not me, at least I hope so.
"Well I can't see why they wouldn't like you, I mean your pretty funny, if not confusing but I can't see why ponies shouldn't like you, that blue flower was very tasty," He slithers around my neck breaking the... icicles that had formed on his nose as he jumps into the air for joy.
"See lulu, Rose here she gets me, told you it's not a phase I can make friends at the first meeting," Discord turns to me with the happiest look in his eyes. "We are friends are we not Rose?"
"Of course we are Discord, I am very much hurt that you even had to ask, unlike someponys I don't judge a based on their tails," his tail was the first thing that came to my mind. The best part was that he laughed at that, although I'm not even sure if what I said classified as humorous.
"You and I are going to be the best of friend's I can tell you right now, but alas I was not meant to be here yet, I shall come back tomorrow, like little moony here asked," He pointed at Luna as he disappeared, no pop or bang just gone.
"He can't make his mind up on how he teleports can he," I state to Luna.
"Yes, and i hate to say this but most of the words that come out of his mouth can not be trusted, but at least you made a friend, he even more-so," she rose from her seat taking her empty dish in her magic at passing it to the waiter, who took the dish as if nothing new happened at all, profession waiter if I do say so myself.
"I am going to rest now Rose, sorry if I was not for conversation, he tends to turn my words against me in the most embarrassing ways, you can ask a guard to take you to the guest room when you feel like it, oh and do not bother to wait for Celestia, she has been caught up with calming the citizens down, apparently most ponies saw the throne room exploded or something. Have a good day Rose," Luna turned to exit the room "Oh and take whatever Discord say's with a grain of salt he tends to make things up," She shouts over her shoulder.
I sigh as I motion the waiter over and ask for anything edible, I have a lot to think about, that Discord guy was a riot, but from luna's reactions, i think he said something I wasn't meant to know. All well, can't think on an empty stomach after all.
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See, it's at the point where whatever you eat is ashes, that you will literally eat whatever.
Prime example of this being the table itself.
7874810 that would be a terrible fate for a glutton, being able to eat anything but only tasting ash
7560687 if I solved this now can you tell me if not where is the problem, I am referring to the later chapters but still I would like to solve that problem.
7561893 Third cupboard on the right.
Solution: put food in ice cubes and eat it
Gives a bit more time anyways
or magic
7874810
Lol, I had this exact thought.
>inb4 rose eats Celestia's crown
7874884
Wouldn't it explode into steam? Not sure about you but I would not want to be in the line of fire when that super heated steam came shooting out, or even wafting close.
Well maybe it's time to eat like a dragon, maybe you can taste rubys and if not your body's molten so they'll liquidate or round quickly anyway.
i made out everything i needed to know but the editing will be welcome when it happens.
good story progression
7875182
i initially thought you were speaking about Rose's piss, assuming that bodily function works.
7875509
do you suppose Rose would shit out slag or trans-uranic heavy elements?
blue flower?......
poison joke?
If you feel that badly about your grammar, there's a software that you can use that's really helpful.
I'm probably going to use it on any stories I write in the near future.
It's helpful because it'll point errors in real time on your browser, so all you would have to do is write it here on fimfiction, just don't publish the chapter until you finish writing and you'll be good~!
https://www.grammarly.com/?q=brand&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Brand&utm_content=52804490166&utm_term=grammarly&matchtype=e&placement=&network=g&gclid=Cj0KEQiAnvfDBRCXrabLl6-6t-0BEiQAW4SRUKglseVSLDOL2Y8xoUttRKcOssIs-1f_h_E-fKh6jH0aAoPd8P8HAQ
Good story by the way. I've been tracking it for a while and I'm happy to see it's grown in popularity.
7875572
At this time, I'm pretty sure there's nothing to expel. Remember that Rose has been living on ash and magic. This is assuming alicorns use the facilities at all, heh. Tho... with all the tea Celestia chugs, I'm surprised there aren't more bathroom breaks. The mental image of Celestia doing the potty dance because Luna's inside and hogging the bathroom makes me giggle.
7875967
...or LanguageTool. It's only got as-you-type checking in its LibreOffice/OpenOffice plugin, but it doesn't hold back some of its checks for a Pro version and the "push button to check" support integrates with a lot more than Grammarly does:
* Embedded in their website (no account needed)
* Google Docs
* Chrome
* Firefox
* LibreOffice/OpenOffice
* Standalone (Windows and OSX like Grammarly, but also other Java-capable platforms like Linux)
* Various 3rd-party integrations such as LyX and MS Word.
Here's the comparison chart for their different official plugins.
Great chapter
7876101 Thanks, I actually already use Grammarly but people still say my grammar is bad it has gotten better over the years but you can still tell in some cases.
7876176
See what the online versions of LanguageTool think. (They have the optional 8GiB "not recommended unless you have an SSD" n-gram database installed, which makes it much smarter about homophone errors).
7876176
You mean the reason why my eyes don't bleed out when I read your unedited chapters is because of Grammarly? that's amazing!
All Hail Grammarly!
I'm being for real here I've seen grammar this bad in many other fimfictions and usually they make my eyes bleed but this story never did and i always wondered why and that's amazing to me that an automated program can correct someone's otherwise horrible grammar into being painless to read!
I swear there is something not right about that line. Oh well, that won't stop me from shamelessly coming back for more.
I use Grammarly too.
First, the grammers. Next, the FOURTH WALL!!!!!!
7876241 Don't take this the wrong way but I have used Grammarly in ALL my fics since I started. So yes Grammarly can make things readable but it doesn't do everything. There is a pro version that helps if your sentence structure is too wordy among other things but Grammarly still allows you to improve your writing as it doesn't make it completely readable it has its moments where it suggests weird things but it is good none the less.
life of a living burning entity...and the swift ending of said entity.
7875935 but it incenorated so he isn't affected by it...I think
Also I have seen way worse grammar on here and this is actually readable. And flare just made a strong ally.
7875577 no idea but regardless any waste product not being inhaled from whatever leaves contact with her molten body is sure to void warranrys of plumbing.
More concerning is what molten rock smells like and does it stick to everything
Discord seems in character, but Solar Flare/Rose seems mechanical and artificial.
7874884 Have you seen what happens when ice meets thermite? I would expect a similar, if smaller, result from ice cubes.
Hint: Sizzle-BOOM!
7878205 I've been told
Magic then
7878306 Magic... Ok, that might work.
Ok know i am confused I remember reading a bit ago that he still was a guy but know he stayed gender shifted?
7879272
Solar Flare is evil Celestia so... she is a girl!
7880740 yes but i recall while reading this story he had a sheath a male body part they told mark he was still a guy
he only though he was a girl due to not knowing pony body part but know it seems mark has actually changed to a mare so i am a little confused to the change
7880822 yes, that's true, but because of people getting too confused I rewrote the first few chapters to exclude that confusion and from popular demand preformed a gender swap. Drama and all that I guess.
7881046 ok i don't mind was just confused by the change from what i read once to the current
7881233 it's no problem, I learn on the job per say.
7880822
Is called a rewrite.
7883135 i know now
7874832
The idea is "Show, don't tell" which is the shorthand version of one of Anton Chekov's (Russian playwright, not the Star Trek character) quotes where he is reputed to have said "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."
The idea here is not to drown the reader in heavy-handed adjectives, but rather to allow readers to interpret significant details in the text.
What you've got, with the talking heads, is a dialogue driven story with very little ambigous imagery, let's take the Main Character's description from Chapter 1...
... a description which is entirely expository A.K.A telling, not showing, and comes off as remarkably weak. Try instead...
...much stronger. It's now no longer clear whether or not Mark has actual skin or rock, which the readers can guess at, and sharp-eyed people will notice the use of "Ichorous", Ichor being the blood of the gods in Greek mythology, where pegasi and unicorns come from, which draws its own conclusion.
The second thing I would note is that the characters talk to themselves far too much, once again "telling, not showing", do not tell me that your characters are angry by having them say it out loud. Demonstrate it with their body language: snorting out clouds of steam, horns letting out furious sparks, stomping hooves that leave the ground cracked beneath them, twitching eyes, gritting teeth, lashing tails, wings flared as wide as they will go, all of these alone are good indicators of anger without Celestia having to say "I feel angry about this thing that has happened."
Writing is easy, five year olds can do it. Writing a story with style, substance, and standards is much, much harder.
I'd recommend you grab a thesaurus, a "How To Write For Dummies" book (because the "For Dummies" line is great, they're pretty much the sole reason I managed to scrape a pass in my art classes), and read as many different stories as you can. I'd recommend Terry Pratchett, Jim Butcher, J.R.R.Tolkien, Cressida Cowell, Garth Nix, and David Gemell. Just read them for enjoyment first, and then read them to break them down and see how they are written, what works and what doesn't, where to "Show", and where to "Tell".
And if you want, I can run through what's up so far with an editing brush. Just be prepared for the fact that I am exceptionally acerbic when it comes to editing.
7924998 I never really thought that much about writing in that particular way, I was planning on going through this story again because after re-reading everything i found a few inconsistencies. Thanks for the advice if you want to tale the time to do an edit on my story feel free and I will implement it.
7925177
I'll probably do it over the weekend then, unless something goes horribly right and I get a bunch of free-time/inspiration.
How are you with Google Docs?
7927144 not very familiar with google docs but I do have wordonline but I can get google docs to make it easier on you.
I like your depiction of Discord and his brief interactions here. Very charming. Not that many can pull that off so effectively.
7938994 fair enough, I'll try and resolve that problem as well.
more?
7952135 this month. Eventually, busy with college right now but I'm free this weekend so hopefully I have enough time to finish off the next chapter.
8023109 Hell if i know.
This is a fun little filler story for my diet. Where it lacks in plot it makes up for in concept.
8060270 yay half mark, yeah i had no idea where this was going when i made it it was more or less. Hmm why are there no human turned solor flare story's well better make one.
I will post a chapter some time next week been bussy at college all month but a semester break is at the end of this week.
8060498 hope to see more please
8148692 thanks for the vote of confidence, the next chapter has about 700 words down as I am planning this chapter thoroughly, expect the chapter within the month.