Falling into a volcano trying to impress people isn't very fun, and while it was quite hot for a very long time, eventually I actually started to feel a tad chilly, after a while though I blacked out, and woke up in a burning field, as a horse no less.
Featured 06/09/2016 (what did I do? How? I'm not this popular, if I knew this would happen I would have gone through and re-edited my grammar before I posted. Now I feel like a jerk.)
Featured 06/11/2016
Featured 3/26/2018
The editor is The Wind King
Proofreader is Nonameknight
Chapters (13)
That wasn't so bad for an unedited.
Oh god, my eyes. This is what I get for ignoring the "unedited you have been warned."
*sound of pain*
good job
Felt a bit jumpy. Maybe more detail would be nice? I don't know.
Oh-oh god
When the title said unedited, I expected some errors, not every sentence starting in lower-case
I'll come back later
7560104 I'm editing it now, so it should be safe(ish) soon(ish).
Ok, now for something a little more serious. I feel that it could have used more detail and some slower pacing. It seemed to jump all over the place, with it going from one scene to the next before I can really tell what's happening. Also, I understand that in an unedited version capitalization and grammar aren't gonna be the best, but GOOD GOD MAN! It felt like there was absolutely no capital letters at all except for the occasional one. I highly suggest not uploading your chapters until they're more polished in the future, it just doesn't look good otherwise.
What
Also, I'm immune to all fire, so the bad grammar
A: doesn't hurt
B: doesn't matter
Well... that was a shocker right there....
Solar flare is in the story yay I'm very happy with what you write keep up a good work update more soon
7560112 I just went through (quickly) and capitalised the story so it should be easier to read now... Yeah I think I'm going to wait until my editors give the go ahead next time.
7560133
Nice, looks better already.
Just to point out, Mark Rose is a fairly pony name.
Those editors have ALOT to do. Did you write this on a tablet?
7560133
I don't know if it is just me but it seems kind of short.
Interesting idea quite a few stories and similar vain but this is the first one I think I've seen with it being Celestia's darker half
I was warned.
I accept this fate.
So let me get this straight:
Mark Rose the human now inhabits the body of Solar Flare, the Nightmare aspect of Celestia's alicornhood? What happened to the original Solar Flare?
7560188
Sounds like a flower accounting business owner or something.
(Marking of Roses.)
I should have listened to the warnings. Now I have PTSD.
Even for "unedited" that was still quite entertaining. Also thank you for not make him a mare.
So its confirmed he's still male not female, somehow, right?
Well, you did warn us about this chapter not being passed through your editors.
With that in mind, it was an entertaining read. A diamond in the rough, so to speak.
7560588
I can echo these thoughts, It needs refinement, lead up to the whole meeting with the shop owner, the surroundings. The biggest issue you take the story at a rainbow dash on red bull overdose speeds.
7560390 he is not actually the Solar flare like nightmare moon think of it like this,
nightmare moon was luna but just completely controlled via dark magic fueled emotions making her do things that would normally be considered insane.
Mark rose, our not too bright protagonist has inhabited a body made of pure dark magic powered emotions but it is not a real body per say his body is just magic Celestia never became solar flare but more like ripped out her more extreme negative emotions to prevent what happened with luna happing to herself, in order to do so she used darkmagic, the dark magic fueled emotions constructed itself a body of what it remembered that being an alicorn, and then it needed a soul, mind or however you view it, with a mind it makes a compromise of the two the gender of the minds most comforting and the form of the source
so in short there was never an original solar flare so to speak more like just raw emotion fueled dark magic.
7560197 phone, touch phone. it is really the only time i do not get distracted by the amazing aspect of computer games and or internet stuff.
While you have an interesting premise, your story suffers from "talking head syndrome". Most lines are literally just dialog from one character, then another. Try to paint the scene for us. What are your characters doing while they're talking? What's going on around them?
And this is why I call the evil Celestia, Nightmare Nova or Super Nova
7560017 Hey its you again. Long time no see
While editing it (if your self editing), I would suggest looking though celestia's and Luna's conversation in the second half. It's a bit on the confusing side when determining who is taking.
7560715 Ocean Man! Take my by the hand lead me to the land that you understand!
Haha hey bro howya been?
7560743 As good as Morgan freeman on a horse could be
7560756 Fuck yes hahahahaha. I found this pic like 3 years ago with a couple 'o mates. Was my Facebook DP for ages but changed it.
7560687 good point, I'll try to fix this.
Well, you weren't lying. You warned me. -ded-
7560812 yarp, I fell for the same problem...
I hope the editing makes this chapter extended.
7560685 Damn. That takes skill. If I wrote stories on my phone I would go insane.
to be fair, even the re-edited version of last chapter didn't seem to be edited. With this chapter though, it certainly does give off the sense of being a first draft. Making sure each time someone new speaks they get a new paragraph and then simply expanding on the scenes a bit could help flesh the chapter out into something a bit better.
I think this is pretty dang good. A few things that have been mentioned but im not a downer. I say great work and I love the story and where it is heading. Not usually an Alicorn Oc kind of person unless fueled by a good background or flight to power but may I say spot on. I can't wait to read what happens next!
Instead of the warning, please actually edit it next time.
Umm *blood flows out my eyes* where'd I put the bleach
7561374 thanks I will try to do just that, editing is done, now just waiting for my proof reader.
It's kinda poetic in the sense that we can see the way you were thinking when you wrote this story.
I'm glad it will be edited, though
7562204 No problem, in high school for me a big thing was constructive criticism, so pointing out an error and providing a suggestion on how to make it better is really something I do
7560028 Hello darkness my old friend....
The dialogue needs improvement bad. It's incredibly unnatural and reads like a bad school play. Try reading it out loud after you write it. That can often help you get a feel for how it would sound, and avoid this problem.
You need a lot of work, however, you did something that should be impossible; you made a red and black alicorn OC original, so I'll see where this goes.
Also, you shouldn't mix first person perspectives. If you have a first person narrative, keep it from the perspective of the same character. If you need to follow someone else, use third.
great chapter cant wait for more