The Anthropologist

by Weavers of Dreams

-61- Paper Pact Pinkie Pie

"Wait. What?" Lyra demanded, staring wide-eyed across the booth at the mare and stallion, who were actually laughing a bit. The audience, which they were just now noticing, however, were shocked with their jaws hitting the floor.

"I said: 'we already know that, Lyra'," Bon Bon explained again, giving the audience a glare. This really should be a more private thing. But it didn't appear they would be moving anytime soon. Plus, they were kind of blocked in now.

"What? But-but... but how?" Lyra asked, bewildered.

"Did you think we would just let some stranger live around our little Twister without thoroughly checking their background?" Bon Bon replied with a somewhat apologetic undertone. "We're sorry to have been so invasive, but..."

Lyra held up a hoof. "I understand, Bonny." The unspeakable thought of "enemy splinter cell" was all too clear between them. "So... you also know that I am not an amalgamation, but an aligned? Correct?"

The mare and stallion nodded.

"We didn't really understand the quantum physics behind it before, just figured it was an anthropological term," Noteworthy said softly. "But we've did some more research recently."

"Then you know that I'm, sterile?"

There was a collective gasp from the audience, making the three ponies realize that the were being watched. Though Mrs. Cake and Redheart were heard much louder than the rest. Noteworthy and Bon Bon regarded them with a glare before giving a nod to Lyra.

"Yes," Noteworthy said calmly. "But we've known that since about the first week you lived with us."

"Do you also know that I'm wanted dead or alive for piracy on the east coast?"

"Lyra," Bon Bon snapped at her, cowing the mare and making the audience take a step back. "Are you really going to sit there and make up excuses as to why you won't join our herd?"

Lyra curled up a bit, encasing the foals between her chin and legs. "Yes?"

The other mare groaned and sat back. "Ugh. Why do you have to be so silly?"

"I'm scared, Bonny," Lyra said softly. That got everyone's attention. "Other than mama and papa, I've kept these secrets secret since I was four years old. I don't know how to... how to deal with this."

"Well, you won't have to deal with it alone," the earth pony said kindly. "Noteworthy and I are here to help you ever step of the way, and you have all your friends here who'll never abandon you either."

Lyra looked about at the people who were smiling at her. Pony and human alike. "Did this have to happen on a busy day for Sugarcube Corner?"

"Saves time going around town telling everyone," Noteworthy shrugged with a chuckle.

"Were you planning this?" Lyra asked, narrowing her eyes in a scrutinizing fashion.

"Well, you know, remember about a month ago when we pulled that 'no dessert for a week' thing on you?" the candy maker asked.

Lyra nodded. "Well, yeah, I'm mostly over it now..."

"We said we were sorry."

"You're forgiven, I'm just miffed. But, how could you plan this out? The odds against it coming together so perfectly are astronomically... Pinkie Pie! You set this up with that reality twisting savant, didn't you?"

"Actually that was me setting it up with all of them," the pink party planner in question piped up from beside Lyra on the window side of the seat, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. She made a face. "Ugh, it's gone cold. You guys really do talk too much. You know that?"

"Wait. What? You?" Lyra demanded, setting the foals on the other side of the seat, away from the bubbly mare. "What are you playing at?"

"Why, I'm making you happy, of course," the Pie explained as she pulled a fresh cup of hot chocolate from under the table and took a sip. "Smiley and Frowny have been trying too hard. I just figured they deserve a break so someone else could do the dirty work."

Both secret agents barely managed to keep their composure as the mare had just blurted out the names of the agencies without so much as batting an eye, or clueing anyone in. Not that they were entirely surprised, just mildly so. It was no small wonder they had that mare on a special list. Which she probably knew about.

"B-but I am happy," Lyra said, confused.

"Of course you are," Pinkie said with a smile so shrewd it could have started it's own law firm. She laid of a hoof on the mare's mint lips. "You smile here quite often." Then she placed the same hoof over the doctor's heart. "And your heart beats cheerful and optimistic." Then she frowned and placed the tip of the hoof upon the forehead. "But in here, it looks like Discord's internet history."

* * *

Elsewhere. A creature made up of mismatched parts suddenly felt a shiver run down his spine and his cheeks flushed red. "Now that was just rude. Tell everyone, why don't you? Honestly, can't a draconequus have a little privacy?""

He stormed off in a huff. "I'll just have to fix this. Right after I change a few coloring book pages, again."

* * *

"Well, with that out of the way," Pinkie said with a chuckle, "let Pinkie Pie put you problems at peace. Why do you want to join their herd so bad?"

"Huh?" Lyra said dumbly. "I haven't agreed to join anything just yet."

"I never said you did," Pinkie winked slyly. "And that's not what I asked. Com'on, Heartstrings. You've already told everyone your deepest secrets, why not unveil the shallow one's next?"

"I protest."

"Do you want me to reveal them in the form of a catchy song and interpretive dance?" Pinkie asked, bouncing her eyebrows. The look of dread on Lyra's face was a satisfying answer. She took a deep breath as if she were about to launch into the first verse.

"Because they're the most wonderful ponies I've ever met," Lyra cried out.

"Aaaand," Pinkie encouraged her.

"Ooooh," Lyra said, blushing and scowling at the same time. "They took me in off the street. They've taken care of me like I was family from the very beginning. Bonny would make a perfect herdsister for me, because she's gentle and caring, although a little to motherly at times, and I can confide in her about most everything. Noteworthy is big, strong, and kind, he would make a good husband for me, because I could lean against him in hard times. And Twist is a such a sweet little filly who's gotten so close that she calls me her auntie. If I were part of the herd, I would be able to forge a deeper relationship with her. Plus, with recent events, she would make a great sister for Henry."

"Go on," Pinkie responded.

"And because they're the only herd I've ever met who were interested in me rather than the fact that I'm filthy stinkin' rich," Lyra shouted, throwing her hooves up in the air and bursting into a fit of coughs. This prompted Nurse Redheart to take action.

"That's, quite enough now, Pinkie," she said, patting the unicorn on the back. "Easy, there. Take some deep breaths. That's it."

By the time Lyra was done coughing, she found her self being hugged by the herd she loved so much.

"Oh, Lyra, do you really mean that?" Bon Bon asked, nuzzling the unicorn's mane.

"Of course I do, Bonny," Lyra managed a weak chuckle. She gasped and blushed when Noteworthy kissed her cheek. She turned to face him, eyes wide. "Well. Aren't you forward?"

Noteworthy turned a little red. "Oops. Sorry. I guess I..."

He was silenced by an impassioned kiss on the lips. The anthropologist, when she was done, licked her lips, even though she was about as red as a beat by now. "Luckily for you, I like that kind of thing." She swallowed hard as prepared her next words. After all, what did she have to lose? "I... I accept your advances, Noteworthy. I will willingly and wholeheartedly sign in a contract with you."

While the stallion was speechless, his wife gave out a loud cheer and began dancing a small jig.

"You'll be needing these then," Pinkie said, reappearing from nowhere, this time holding a couple pieces of paper in her mouth and a stack of paper on her head. She set it them the table and hopped back.

"What are these?" the mint mare asked.

"A herd contract, a prenup, and the human-child-in-equestrian adoption forms you'll need to sign in order to adopt Henry. You should sign the first two first, as the adoption process goes much smoother when you're not single."

Lyra looked a the stack of adoption forms in bemusement. "You do realize, only a high-ranking anthropologist is allowed to hand those out, right?"

"Well, duh," Pinkie rolled her eyes as she reached into her mane. She pulled out a small card and passed it to the mare.

The unicorn's eyes threatened to explode out of her head. "You're an B-class Anthropologist? But... what... how? Just... how, Pinkie?"

"Same way Rainbow Dash is an ordained minister(1). Correspondence school."

While the cries of shock and bewilderment were happening below, Screwball was busily at work on the ceiling. Pinkie was good at distracting people.

* * *

(1) Because she thought ceremonies were boring and wanted to liven things up. She succeeded, if you must know.

Comments

[Stainless Steel Fox]

Ha! Pinkie Pie. Never change.

[Macross84]

Okay, I want to see a Story about Rainbow Dash being an Ordained Minister
.