• Published 8th Mar 2016
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Crime Pays - chillbook1



Twilight Sparkle, master thief and adrenaline junkie, leads the Mythos Crew in search of the next big score.

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A Good End To A Bad Day

“Dash, take the girl and go with Rift. I’ll meet you there.”

“Are you fucking serious right now? I—”

“Don’t argue with me right now! We need to go!”

“Twi… Fine. But this isn’t over. We’re talking about this later.”

I ignored her, busying myself with unlocking the entrance to the safehouse. As soon as the door was open, I slid down the ladder and rushed to my room. I grabbed my duffel, which contained my mask and my revolver. I grabbed the Gorgon, then turned it over in my hands to search for the tracker. After a few minutes, I found it, hidden away behind one of the snakes. I pulled it off and crushed it under my foot.

I left my room, then headed to the living room. I packed up the chess set, then slipped it into my duffel bag. From there, I went to Dash’s room, clearing it of anything useful. I didn’t find much, except for the cocaine Rift had delivered. I added that to my bag, then set off for the door. As I passed Rarity’s door, I paused. I knew there were some things in there that I might want. At the same time, I wasn’t sure how I felt about rummaging through the personal belongings of a person I had just killed.

I dove into her room after just a second of hesitation. I scanned her room, then eventually started to clear off her dresser of its jewelry, which would provide a nice safety cushion in case the jobs didn’t come as quickly as I wanted. Her sniper, hung so sinisterly above her bed, beckoned to me. I swiped it down then, after searching a bit, slid it into the case hidden beneath her bed. Then, I raided her closet in search for the one thing I wanted from Rarity most. Eventually, I found it, resting in a small hat box. I lifted her mask, which I decided to call the Widow, and carefully traced my thumb along the design of its mouth. I slipped my trophy into my bag, grabbed the sniper case, then pushed open her door and stepped out.

“Twilight?” I almost ran into him, so he was probably about to come into Rarity’s. We stared at each for a few moments, his eyes darting to my bag, fit to burst, and the gun I was toting. Immediately, Spike adopted an uncomfortable, awkward presence.

“H-hey,” I said quietly.

“What are you doing?” he asked, matching my volume.

“Spike… There’s something I have to tell you,” I said, swallowing hard. I knew what I wanted to say, but he surprised me. “It’s… It’s about Rarity.”

Silence filled the room, thick and solid. I wanted to speak, but my mouth refused to articulate. After I proved myself unable to say it, Spike made it unnecessary.

“You… You killed her, didn’t you?” He looked down, fighting back the tears. “You don’t have to say it. I know. I see it in your eyes.”

“Spike… I didn’t want it to turn out like that,” I promised. I sat down the sniper and duffel bag. “It was self-defense. If I didn’t act, she’d have killed me.”

“I… I loved her.”

“I know.”

“And you killed her.” Spike balled up his fists, still refusing to meet my gaze. I was grateful for that. “That’s twice you took her from me.”

“I wouldn’t have done it if I had another option.” I wanted to reach out and hug him, but I could tell that he would react poorly to that. “It was me or her.”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe it should’ve been you?” he asked sharply. As soon as he said it, I could tell he regretted it. “That wasn’t fair. At all. But neither was what you did.”

“I know,” I said again. I felt a lump form in my throat, and it was growing more difficult to breathe with each passing second.

“She would have killed you?” he asked. I nodded. “And there was no other way to deal with her? No other course of action?”

“No. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Spike turned so I wouldn’t see him cry, but it was hard to miss how he trembled and shuddered. I just sat there awkwardly, praying that he’d say something to tell me that it was okay. It wasn’t, of course, and it would be a while before it ever was again. I may have just let my pride ruin my relationship with my best friend.

“Sweetie too?” he asked.

“She was going to kill Rainbow. Had a knife to her throat,” I said. “I had to…”

Another bout of silence emerged, this one persisting for a bit longer. I slowly, carefully reached forward, placing my hand gently on his shoulder. To my surprise, he allowed me to. In that single gesture, I understood two things: He would forgive me, and things would never be the same between us.

“One day, Twilight, you’re gonna cross one line that you shouldn’t have,” said Spike darkly. “One day, you’re gonna do something completely unforgivable, and you’re not gonna get away with it. You’ve always got a plan for everything. I hope you’ve got a plan for that.”

I grabbed my stuff, slinging my bag over my shoulder. I gave my little brother a hug, one he refused to return. That was more than I could have hoped for.

“Come on,” I said gently. “The others are on their way to Ponyville. We need to catch up.”

Spike shrugged out of my hug, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Do you seriously think that’s how this will work?” he asked. “I’m out, remember? You made me pick between Mythos and Widow, and I chose Widow. Doesn’t matter if she’s not around.” We finally made eye contact again, and his gaze made me want to curl up and die. “You killed my only true love. The only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You took her from me. I deserve to at least be bitter and lonely.”

“I… I understand,” I said. “Then I guess this is goodbye.”

“Guess so.”

“Spike… Take it easy,” I said, turning for the ladder. “Stay out of trouble. Don’t do anything stupid. And please, for the love of god, please keep in touch.”

He seemed to think about that for a bit. I didn’t see him, but I could hear him pull out a cigarette and light it.

“We’ll see.”

That was good enough for me. Without another word, I ascended up the ladder, packed my stuff in AJ’s pickup, then set off after my Crew.


About eleven hours on the road, and I was finally in the small city of Ponyville. I had stopped only once along the way to get some gas. I didn’t eat, didn’t rest, didn’t stop for the bathroom. I wanted to get off of the road as quickly as possible, given the high amount of illegal items I had on my person.

When I was within the city limits, I dialed Rainbow’s number. She didn’t say much, just gave me the address of the new place. She was pissed at me, and she had some right to that. At the moment, though, I didn’t care. I was still recovering from my moment with Spike.

I drove to the address, which was on the northern edge of the city. To my surprise, I pulled up not to a laundromat or a music shop. The address was a library: Golden Oak Public Library. From there, it was only about three hours to Canterlot. I was so close to home, I could taste it.

I parked around back, stopping my car just next to Rift’s. I grabbed my bag and the rifle, then made my way into the extremely old library. From the looks of things, no one had set foot in the building for years. The shelves were mostly empty, with one or two dust-coated books remaining on each of the hundreds of bookshelves. I wandered around in wonder before I happened upon the lounge at the back, by where the cookbooks used to be. Dash, Rift, and the girl sat silently at one of the round tables there.

“It’s about fucking time,” snarled Dash, standing up.

“I got held up talking to Spike,” I said. I noticed the curiosity in Rift’s look. “He’s not coming. It’s just us.”

“That’s gonna be tough,” murmured Rift. “I can’t stay and heist with you guys for much longer. I got other work, and my wife… You know how that goes. I need to go soon.”

“It’s fine. We’ll find work. You’ve done enough for us.”

“Okay, we done with the ignoring me thing?” asked Dash. “Good. I said we’d talk later, and it’s been later. What the fuck were you thinking?”

“I beg your pardon?” I said with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re damn right, you do.” She balled up her fists as if preparing to punch me. Part of me begged her to. All I’ve done for her, all I’ve been through today, and she had the audacity to talk to me like that? Threaten me? I wanted her to raise her fists so that I could make her regret it.

“Is there an issue, Ms. Dash?” I said, trying to maintain some facade of calm.

“Yeah, there’s an issue. There’s a few fucking issues!” shouted Dash. “Fuck, Twilight, do you understand what just went down? Fuck! All that time, all the shit you dragged us through, and not a damn thing to show for it!”

“The shit I dragged you through? Is that how you remember that?” I asked. “Because, as I recall things, this is all your fault.”

“My fault?!”

“Yes, Dash, your fault! Everything bad that has happened to us has been your fault!” And, just like that, that facade of mine evaporated. “My operation was flawless until you poked your empty head into my laundromat! Face it, Dash, you ruined everything!”

“We had a plan! A solid fucking plan!” She stomped herself forward until she was about touching noses with me. “And you fucked it up because you couldn’t let go of your ego!”

“The only reason we needed that plan was because of you. If it weren’t for you, we’d still be knocking over banks in Canterlot!”

“How is it my fault that you got sloppy and let your brother catch us?”

“We were perfectly fine for years! Then, we made the mistake of letting a rookie join the Crew.” I could feel my blood begin to boil, and I knew at that very moment that this confrontation would end in a fist fight. “So I guess it is my fault.”

“Fuck you and your Crew! This is on your head, Boss. Two people are dead because of you, and you fucked up my little sister because you couldn’t live with the idea of someone knowing that they spooked you.” I could sense Dash tense up. She was going to punch me, and I couldn’t wait. “You couldn’t let it go! That’s some selfish shit, you know that, right? She’ll never be the same again, and it’s all because of you!”

“By my recollection, you’re the one who got tackled by a fifteen year-old,” I said. “You dropped the ball. If anyone’s to blame for Scootaloo’s mental state, it’s you.”

Rainbow raised her fist, and I braced myself. Her punch never came, though, and it soon became evident why. Scootaloo, who had remained completely silent the entire time, held Dash’s elbow. I watched Dash’s gaze bounce from me to her sister and back. The girl… She looked dead on her feet. She wasn’t afraid, or angry, or sad. She was just there.

“Please don’t fight,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. “C’mon, Dash. I’m hungry. Let’s grab something to eat.”

“You wanna eat right now?” said Dash, clearly annoyed. Scootaloo tugged on her arm and clutched at Rainbow’s elbow, making sure that she wouldn’t somehow slip through and punch me.

“Come on. After what just happened… I really just wanna relax and hang out.” Rainbow glared at me for a moment before lowering her fists and putting her arm gently around Scootaloo’s shoulders.

“Okay. There’s gotta be a place to get some pizza in this city,” said Dash quietly. Without another word to me or Rift, the two left, slamming the door on their way out. With a tired groan, I slung my bags onto the round table, then pulled out a cigarette and lit up.

“Damn,” said Rift, finally speaking up. “I kinda feel like a dick for leaving after that.”

“Don’t worry about it. Right now…” I took a deep drag, trying my hardest to calm down. “I need two things. I need a breakdown on this library, and I need a lead on work. I know I said I could handle it, but I’ve never said no to extra help.”

“The library is, more or less, pretty basic,” said Rift. “The ground floor, anyway. There’s a secret basement, combination locked, that has safes and maps, all the stuff you’d have back at the laundromat.”

“What type of library was this?” I asked. Rift grinned, then stood up in his seat.

“This library didn’t just get closed. There was a reason. That reason being you.” His grin seemed to grow with my curiosity. “I have some friends in high places. You’re my friend. That means you’ve got friends in high places.”

“You’re telling me that this place was shut down just for me?” I asked.

“Well, not just for you. For someone like you. The basement was put in for Mythos, though. Don’t ask me for the details, you can ask him when you talk to him.”

“Him?”

“Simon. He insists on being called Simon Oswald Lawler, but I doubt that’s his real name,” said Rift with a shrug. “Cause who the hell introduces themselves by first, middle, and last?”

“Who is he?” I didn’t like the mystery man who apparently had been watching me. I also didn’t like when Rift shrugged for the second time.

“All I know is that S.O.L has power, money, and interest in you,” said Rift. “I’ve never met him, only communicated through e-mail. He wants to meet you, though, so you’d better get to it.”

“Mysterious man who gave me a home and is offering me work?” I sighed, tapping my cigarette ash onto the table. “When do I get to meet him? And where?”

“He said to text him when you leave, said he’ll give you an address.”

“Well, text him.” I threw my cigarette onto the floor, then crushed it under my foot. “Simon better have some good news for me, because I’ve been having a bad day.”


I was directed to a little warehouse, off to the eastern edge of Ponyville. When I got there, I was under the impression that I was in the wrong place, because no one was there. After a few texts back and forth with Rift to confirm my location, I was instructed to enter the warehouse and wait.

It was empty, but surprisingly clean, with not a speck of dust in the whole place. I appreciated it. It made me feel a bit more comfortable, despite not knowing anything about anything right then. I wore the Widow, hoping to both conceal my identity and intimidate this Simon guy.

After five minutes of waiting, my burner rang.

“Hello. This is Medusa,” I said calmly, hoping my tone wouldn’t betray how irritated and downright angry I was. “What can I do for you?”

“Ah, Ms. Medusa, a pleasure to finally hear from you.” To my vast surprise, it was a female’s voice who spoke. “I hope not to keep you waiting much longer. I was delayed by some rather important business.”

“Er… I’m sorry, I was under the impression that I’d be meeting with Simon himself.”

“Oh, you are. Simon is just a name,” she said. “Much like Medusa. Your parents didn’t name you after the gorgon queen. Personally, I think Twilight is much prettier.”

“Am I supposed to be impressed that you know my name?” I asked. “I’m the most wanted criminal in Equestria right now. I’d be amazed if my brother didn’t release my name to the public.”

“I wasn’t trying to impress you, but, since you insist on being wowed…” I could hear rustling on her end, as if she was flipping through sheets of paper. “Let’s see… Twilight Sparkle, age forty-seven. Purple eyes. Blood type is B positive. Born in Canterlot to one Night Light and one Twilight Velvet. Younger of two, with your elder being the respected agent Shining Armor of the FBI. Your mother passed away from a sudden brain aneurysm when you were twelve. Your father eventually developed a bit of a gambling addiction, which was when he developed the habit of flipping his poker chip.”

I wasn’t impressed for the first bit, because that was easily something that you could find on the internet. But that last tidbit, the thing about my father and his gambling, that’s something that no one but Spike, Shining, Cadance, and myself knew about. This woman had connections to get that sort of information.

“Very good,” I said. “Do you have anything in that dossier of yours that’s actually interesting?”

“You are coming from Appleloosa, where you were staying with an assassin by the name of Widow.”

“Rift could have told you that.”

“That, he could’ve. Your former place of residence was a laundromat to the northern end of Canterlot,” said Simon, undisturbed. “I’d give you the exact address, but I seem to have misplaced that particular document. My sister probably has it.”

“You still haven’t told me anything interesting,” I noted. Simon chuckled, apparently finding my posturing to be very amusing.

“As I said, that wasn’t my intention. I don’t want to awe you. Just hire you. Oh, I’m just outside, give me a moment to park.” She hung up, at which point I returned my phone to my pocket. As a precaution, and scare tactic, I drew my revolver. I was ready to meet Simon Oswald Lawler.

The warehouse door rose, flooding the room with sunlight. Out of its golden beams stepped a woman in a suit not unlike my own, except hers was pale yellow and much nicer. She was tall and slender, so tall that I had to look up slightly to make eye contact. I didn’t like that. She was at least my age, perhaps a bit older. Her hair was long, about down to her shoulders, and a trio of light green, pale pink, and sky blue. As she smiled warmly at me, I noticed her lightly magenta eyes twinkle with an expectant sort of whimsy. She had already made it up in her head that she would like me.

“Hello, Twilight Sparkle,” she said. She clapped her hands together and began crossing the room. “I have been wanting to meet you for a long time.”

“I’m sure you could have found me,” I said, holding my gun out to the side. If she noticed, she didn’t show it. “I’m relatively easy to reach.”

“Yes, but better late than never, I find. I’m glad that you came alone, it will make negotiations far easier.” She extended her hand, which I loosely took in my own and shook. “Now, Ms. Sparkle, I’m sure you’re dying to get down to business, so why waste any time? I have several things that can only be done by people with skills such as yours. I want you to work for me. In exchange, I will pay you handsomely, as well as supply you with certain… perks.”

“Perks?” I raised an eyebrow. “What sort of perks?”

“I know why you came to Ponyville, Twilight. I can help you.”

“I don’t need your help. I can find them on my own.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt it for a second,” she said, smiling that million dollar smile some more. “But why make things more difficult for yourself?”

I didn’t say anything at first, focusing all my attention on trying to figure this woman out. Who was she? What did she want from me? And how did she know so much about me? This woman had power, and capital, which were two things I was sorely lacking. Maybe a partnership with her wouldn’t be the worst plan.

“If I do this job, I expect an address,” I said firmly.

“If you do this job, I’ll give you a meeting,” she chuckled. “After what they’ve done to you, I think you deserve a bit of… Revenge is such an ugly word, let’s say… They deserve the same kindness that they gave to you.” I smirked from behind my mask. My hands were more or less tied, and I’m sure that S.O.L. knew that. For some reason, she insisted on conducting our business as if we had equal power over one another, even though we both knew that to be untrue.

“If I have your word…” I said, returning my revolver to its holster. “What’s the job? And I never did catch your name.”

“How rude of me. I apologize,” she said. She gave me a little bow. “My name is Celestia Regal, Canterlot’s Senator. And you’re going to help me get elected to a more prestigious position.” My confusion and intrigue must have shown, because Regal’s smile intensified. “As for the job… Tell me, Ms. Sparkle… What do you know about the Elements of Harmony?”

I smiled. That good news was just what I needed to raise my spirits.