• Published 8th Mar 2016
  • 3,879 Views, 589 Comments

Crime Pays - chillbook1



Twilight Sparkle, master thief and adrenaline junkie, leads the Mythos Crew in search of the next big score.

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The Jewelry Store

“Yo, Twi. I’m in position.”

“Good. Remember what I taught you?”

“Duh. I’m not stupid, ya know.”

“True. But I thought you might’ve been high when we were planning.”

Heists don’t just happen. That was my basic motto when it came to knocking a place over. Over the past month, I had repeated it several times to my new student, who seemed quite eager to get her hands dirty. It was one of the few reasons I bothered teaching Rainbow Dash; She was willing and eager. Spike thought she might’ve been a bit too green for this sort of work, and I was inclined to agree, but I knew she could shape up with enough time.

“Well, she’s not now,” said Spike. “Give her a chance to screw the pooch before you get on her case, alright?”

“I never said she was high now,” I said. “But it wouldn’t surprise me.” I tapped my earpiece twice, out of habit. “What do you see, Spike?”

“I’ve got… three guards, one by the front door, one by the side entrance, and one out back,” he reported.

“I got one over here, too,” said Rainbow. “On the other side of the building.”

“Good. We need the outside guards dealt with,” I said. I could hear her gulp through my earpiece.

“You mean… Like… Kill him?”

“Not if you can avoid it,” I sighed tiredly. I’d said it many times before today, but that girl never seemed to retain any information that didn’t immediately lead to cocaine. “I gave you that taser for a reason.”

“What about you, Twi? You ready to move in?” asked Spike. I turned slightly, my gaze lingering on him across the street for just a second. I nodded slightly, and he moved forward, then turned right down the street.

“Dash. Get ready,” I ordered.

“Always ready, old timer.”

“I’m thirty-one.”

"Yeah, I know. Old timer.” Rainbow had a bit of a snicker in her voice at all times, which was the reason I both hated and enjoyed her company.

“Remember, this job will make or break your career,” I reminded Rainbow. “Throw this away, and we’re all going in for it. If I go to jail because of you, I will make sure that we end up cellmates, and I will not be very happy.”

“Yeah, yeah, just try to keep up, old timer.”

I sighed. She really was hopeless.

“Alright, guys. We don’t leave there without twenty grand worth of jewelry,” I reminded them. “And try your hardest not to hurt anyone, okay? Cleaning is way more expensive than you might think. We good to go?”

“In the van and waiting,” said Spike.

“Let’s get paid, damnit!” said Dash excitedly. I rolled my eyes, smirking slightly in spite of myself.

“Alright, gang. Let’s move out.”

I grabbed my duffel bag from the ground and slung it over my shoulder. I left my alley and headed across the street to my mark, La Princessa Espumunda, then slipped into the alley between the jewelry store and the building to its left. I walked forward, towards a security guard. Before I got too close, he began to spasm in pain, dropping to the ground after a few seconds.

Rainbow Dash slipped her taser back into its holster, grinning as she did. She looked comfortable in her new suit. It was a simple, black two piece with a navy blue tie. She looked good. Professional. Like she belonged in the Mythos Crew.

“Ready?” I asked. I grabbed the unconscious guard by the wrist and dragged him to the back as Rainbow followed. She popped open a dumpster and helped me drop him into it, on top of his two friends that Dash had knocked out a little earlier. She grabbed her duffel bag from the side of the dumpster and zipped it open. I dropped mine and did the same, pulling out my handgun, a Colt 1911, and my AK-47. Finally, I pulled out a small stun gun and tucked it into my pants. I loaded up my rifle, flipped on the safety, and slung its strap over my shoulder. I slipped a mag into my pistol and holstered it on my hip. Then, I reached into my almost-empty bag to get my favorite piece of gear.

I always gravitated towards the eyes of my mask, appropriately. They were made out of what was essentially one-way glass, tinted bright yellow on the outside with black slits for pupils. The majority of the face was a light green material that resembled a snake’s underbelly, which was also appropriate. It had a sinister grin on its face, showing off a mouth of razor-sharp teeth. Several snakes stood at the top, standing high enough to obscure my horn and acting as the final details of The Gorgon. I slipped the modified hockey mask onto my face, grinning as I did.

“Let’s move,” I said to Dash, who had also masked up. It was called The Griffon, decorated to have gorgeous white feathers that melded into golden-brown fur near the neck. A golden, hooked beak protruded from her face, turning the pegasus into the much rarer griffon.

“I’ll take point,” I said. “And you can do the honors.” I imagine that she grinned from behind her mask, cocked her gun, and followed me to the side entrance. We slipped in, through the manager’s office and turned right down the short hallway to the actual shop.

Two rows of three glass cases, each filled with bracelets, pendants, watches, and rings, lined the middle of the room. Each wall to the side held gold and diamond necklaces, and the occasional ring. Only a handful of people were in the shop. Six, according to my quick count, and that included the clerk and the last guard.

Too easy.

“Hit the goddamn ground, people!” shouted Dash. I drew my stun gun and fired it at the guards chest, dropping him to the ground after a few electrifying seconds. I dropped it and gripped my assault rifle, brandishing it in the direction of my new, screaming, terrified hostages.

“Alright, folks, some of you might be feeling a bit brave,” I said. “You can either be brave or alive, okay? We’re going to need your phones, so please and thank you, pull them out and slide them to the middle of the floor.”

“I want your wallets, watches, rings, necklaces, anything that’s worth something,” said Dash. That was not a part of the plan, but I was pleasantly surprised that she even considered robbing the customers as well. Our hostages, one by one, pulled out their phones and valuables, tossing them into a pile in the middle of the floor. I looted the clerk from behind the counter then, after a moment of thought, pulled a zip-tie from my breast pocket.

“Sorry, but I’ve had too many jobs go to hell because of jumpy cashiers,” I said as I bound her wrists. “Apollo! Bag up!”

Rainbow gleefully used the stock of her rifle to smash each of the glass cases, filling her bag with the jewelry they contained. I couldn’t be certain from where I stood, but I guessed that each case was about three grand’s worth of jewelry. That’d give us just about our goal, and that wasn’t even factoring in the profit from the patrons’ stuff, or the loose necklaces on the shelves. I went about bagging those up, keeping an ear out for Spike.

“Alright, you guys can leave whenever,” he said, right on cue. “Nobody has called the cops just yet, but people are bound to notice soon.”

“Apollo, we good?” I asked. I turned to see my pupil practically wrestling with some lady, who was crying, sniffling, and begging Dash to stop.

“She won’t give up the damned necklace!” grunted Dash.

“P-please! My husband’s ashes—” She might’ve said more, were it not for Dash elbowing her in the head.

“Hey, newbie, knock it off! You wanna get us caught over $250?” I asked. “We got what we came for, so grab your bag and let’s F.O.”

“But T-” She shook her head. “Medusa!”

“Let it go!”

Dash grumbled slightly, but let the lady go. She grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder. I grabbed my bag and ran to the front with Dash just behind me. Just before we could make it out of the front door, I heard a very familiar word that I both loved and hated.

“Freeze!”

I turned slowly, my hands in the air to see one of the guards Dash had knocked out, aiming his sidearm at us. I made no attempt to react, because I had a plan for this scenario.

Dash didn’t know this, aimed her rifle, and fired three shots at the poor guy’s head. The bullets bounced off, knocking him onto his butt, which let me begrudgingly finish him off with a few shots of my own. The guard now unconscious, me and Dash ran out.

“Thank you for your cooperation!” I called over my shoulder, giggling slightly to myself. We hauled it down the block, attracting looks of concern and even getting a few Canterlot citizens to use their phones to call the police. Not that it mattered. The Chariot was just around the corner.

The van’s back doors were open for us, and we wasted no time in jumping in. I closed the door and punched the ceiling twice. Spike hit the gas and barreled down the street. I pulled off my mask and grinned.

“Nice work, people,” I said. “The Mythos Crew is back in business!”

“You asshole!” shouted Dash. “You loaded my gun with rubber bullets?!”

“It’s your first job. Be thankful you got a gun at all,” I said. I threw down my weapon, still smirking in satisfaction. “How are we, Spike?”

“In the green. We’ll cruise around for a bit, then head back to the safehouse,” said Spike. “You did fine out there, ladies.”

“Were you listening in there, Spike?” I scoffed. “That was a mess. Dash tried to steal some lady’s dead husband’s ashes, and she shot at a guard.”

“With rubber bullets,” Rainbow reminded us.

“You didn’t know that. In your mind, you made the decision to murder that guy, which is a problem.” I punched her shoulder gently. “What is murder, Ms. Dash?”

“Murder is bad for business,” droned Dash. “You know, for bank robbers, you guys sure do have a lot of rules.”

“Rules are what kept me in the business for thirty years,” I said.

“I thought you said you were thirty-one.”

“Alright, so maybe I fibbed,” I snickered. “But you should know better than to ask a lady her age.”

“No offense, Twi, but you’re not exactly what I’d describe as a ‘lady’,” said Spike. “Criminal mastermind? Sure. Genius? Without doubt. Certified boss? Absolutely. But lady? Nah, that’s just not you.”

“Oh, shut up and drive, little boy,” I said humorously.

“Isn’t he your age?” asked Dash angrily. “Or was that a lie, too?”

“Technically, I’m forty-six years,” said Spike. “But in dragon terms, I’m actually younger than you.”

“Still not a fan of how much you guys like to lie to me,” grumbled Dash. “I thought you were a businesswoman. Is that how you do business?”

“When my quote unquote business partner is a dopehead, yeah,” I said. “Don’t feel any sort of way about it. I’ll be straight with you from here on out.”

“What makes you think there’s a ‘here on out’?” asked Dash. That was one of my biggest problems with Dash. She tried her best to make it seem as if she was a gangster, a tough guy, but she was all bark. She truly thought she had some power in this little relationship of ours when she actually had none.

“Well, I assume you want your fifteen percent,” I said. She turned to face me, glaring as she did.

“Whoa, whoa, I thought we agreed on an even split,” said Dash. “Thirty-three a piece, right?”

“Minus our finder’s fee, and the cost of teaching you,” listed Spike. “And job security. Heisters aren’t exactly a dime a dozen nowadays, and we’re offering you a chance to learn about the business.”

“Ergo, we’ll be charging you to ensure that we don’t lose too much if you go and run that big mouth of yours,” I finished. “But, once you do enough jobs to prove your loyalty, the split will become more and more favorable.”

“That's still major bullshit, just so you know,” complained Dash. “3 grand isn't worth all that work.”

“More like a grand and a half,” I said. “We're going to need you to front us a couple hundred for the next job, and Spike only launders for free if you're actually in the crew.”

“This is the easiest money I've ever made. Hells yes, I'm in the crew! I'm not trying to go anywhere, you hear?”

I smirked, satisfied with Dash and her admittedly weak performance. She wasn't able to wow me, but I didn't really expect her to on a job this basic. She would have the opportunity to grow in the next one.

“Spike, what do we have next?” I asked.

“Twilight, we just escaped! Not even escaped yet!” Spike was my best friend, and had been for years, so I knew that tone well. He was about to try and worm his way out of work.

“Spike… You did plan the next one, right?” I asked.

“Well, yeah, but…” I glared at him through the rearview mirror, my violet eyes locking with his emerald ones. “I have something lined up with some kind of historian, but… the mark is a museum. A good one, too, privately funded.”

I couldn't contain my excitement.

“So, Ms. Dash,” I said. “Are you ready to earn your 33%?” Rainbow didn’t say anything, which was a first. I knew she wasn’t happy with me, and she had some right to that. On the other hand… 33% of anything is a good pull, and even my new dopehead partner-in-crime knew that.

“What’s the job?” she asked after a second of thought. I looked to Spike expectantly. Just as I guessed, he was annoyed.

“What do you guys know about vintage firearms?” he sighed. I smirked. Spike knew that I liked vintage anything, guns especially.

“Brief us when we get to base,” I said. “We move out in… two weeks sounds reasonable, if this job is what I think it is.”

“It is.” Spike shook his head. “Promise me you’ll behave.”

“Oh, Spike, when have I ever not behaved?”


“And this was your first job with Ms. Dash?”

“Yes. Outside of a few practice trials, this was Dash’s first heist.”

“And you already trusted her enough to take her on something like the Museum?”

Twilight leaned forward, her wrists bound uncomfortably. The jury, her defense lawyer, the prosecutor, and everyone watching, they all stared at the criminal mastermind before them with intrigue. Ever since her apprehension, Twilight Sparkle had remained an enigma. She undercut her defense at almost every turn, incriminated herself several times, and flat out confessed to several accusations, many of which were baseless. She seemed intent on serving her sentence. What’s more, she spoke of Rainbow Dash and Spike as if they were good friends, and not the traitors they obviously were. Twilight just seemed to be enjoying herself. She took her sweet time answering, toying with her audience for a bit.

“I did trust her, but trust had nothing to do with it,” Twilight answered. “All Dash had to do was follow my directions, and, even though she proved herself incapable of doing even that, I still wasn’t concerned.”

“And why is that?” asked the prosecutor.

“Money is the root of all stupidity,” answered Twilight. “Dash had a thing for stupid, self-destructive behavior. That’s why she was so happy with her cocaine. She wasn’t about to ruin the chance to further destroy her life, or to make money. Plus… She’s stupid. My job depends on my ability to manipulate the stupid.”

“I see. So, after the jewelry store, what did you do?”

“Me and Spike dropped her off at her place, dropped off the cash, and then we went to work.”

“You mean you went to the safe house to plan?” asked the prosecutor. Twilight smiled. She loved being able to surprise people.

“No, no, no,” chuckled Twilight. “I broke into Dash’s house.”

Author's Note:

Hope you guys enjoyed the beginnings of this little tale, and be sure to tell me what you think of it.. I say little, but this has the workings to become my longest single story ever (cut to six months from now when this is actually my shortest multi-chapt fic)

In case you didn't notice, this story is pretty heavily inspired by Payday, specifically the second game. As was the case with a previous video game-inspired story, this is not just a regurgitation of plot with ponies inserted (there's not much plot to regurgitate, honestly).

Thanks for reading, see you next time.

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