Equsteria Girls date TMNT

by iluvtmntmlp

Chapter three: Leo and Rarity

(Leo's point of view)
I will have to admit Rarity is the most RARE person because I love her. I just never told her that. On the walk to her house I wanted to say it but I couldn't find the words. Instead i stayed silent, that is until she spoke up.

"Do you by chance like me?" Rarity ask flirting.

"Y-y-yeah i kinda have a crush on you..." i said weakly.

"Well i already knew but i just wanted you to say it." she said blushing.

The rest of the way to her house we held hands. I never felt the way I did at that moment but when we got to her house, she pulled me into she bedroom and kissed me. I felt unexplainably happy.

(Rarity's point of view)

I can't believe I kissed him. I don't know what got to me but I could tell he is happy and so am I. I think Twilight calls it LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. Wait she and Flash are dating! What if she falls in love with Donnie? Oh well as long as me and Leo are together nothing matters to me. Yawn I'm tired.

"Good night Leo!" I said drifting into sleep as I played on the bed still dressed in my school outfit.

"Good night Rarity....." Leo said falling asleep in the chair next to my bed.

Author's Note:

I know it's not that romantic but it's enough to drive my 18 year old cousin crazy and wanting more.

Comments

[iluvtmntmlp]

Sorry but this is my berry first story I will add more detail in later chapters... I also sorry.

[iluvtmntmlp]

6740135 thanks I think
It's very better than my cousin trying to build a robot pinkie mikey mix.

[Jarvy Jared]

6786316 Maybe you should practice writing some other stories before you start creating a crossover.

If this is your first story, then I assume that it's your literal first story—meaning that you have little to no prior experience in writing. Perhaps you should learn some of the basics of grammar, such as capitalization. Admittedly, skimming through this story, there weren't any real run-ons, fragments, or broken clauses, so kudos.

Characterization needs work. I am not a fan of TMNT, but I do know how the characters act. I feel that you're missing some of the vital aspects of the turtles, and that you haven't translated them over to MLP as well as one could have. That is not to say that one could have at all. Crossovers are a difficult genre to accurately judge, as you have to have a reason why the crossover exists. In this story, there is no reason why the turtles are in the MLP universe.

Outside of Crossover, the pacing really needs work. I get that this is supposed to be a romantic slice-of-life kind of story, but even those have some great pacing—the good ones, I mean. Sure, we can probably assume that the guy does get the girl, but we ought to have a few doubts while reading. This is as predictable and as cliche as one can get, and in that sense, falls flat on its face.

On another note, if you're telling a story from first person perspective, it is better to remain in only one person's perspective; that is, not to change the person you are viewing the story through. If you do do that, though, try to make it clear, but not as bluntly obvious as (so and so's perspective).

Then again, this is a fanfiction, so it doesn't have to be taken seriously. But take it from an experienced writer; you'll have to understand how a story works before you make a story work. The basics and other lessons are key, yes, but ultimately, you'll have to decide what to write, how to write it, and why to write it.

First story or not, it still needs to be reviewed, critiqued, criticized, and questioned. As it stands now, I see nothing too good coming from this story, given the numerous errors and fallacies. However, I don't think that it is entirely hopeless. You might be able to salvage it, but you're going to need to figure out a way to make it better or improve it so that it—and I'll say this as bluntly as possible—doesn't suck.

Good day (night).

[iluvtmntmlp]

6786361 well besides the story's that I wrote in my note books tho is the first fan fiction story I've written and I haven't added the chapter explaining why they are really there. But thanks for the advice.

[Timewarp321]

This story needs 100ccs of rewrite fast!