Morbid

by Twi*sparxle

introductions

"Sliver metal, can you get me in contact with Captain Bombradus? I have beleave

Princess Celestia had been up all night, requesting orders from her sister, Luna, who was off to see the griffon king about some urgent matter. It had first irratated her, as her younger sister had taken off before dawn to head to the empire, leaving her sister to get up early and deal with the current... matters.

They had come at midnight. The scrolls, all four of them from different parts of the world. The ones that talked about four different wars as well. That was the reason why Luna had gone to see the griffon king. And was why she wanted to see her general. Apparently, evil beings had corrupted citizens into turning against their leader, and some assassinations had been planned and some, actually happened.

"Princess Celestia," Captain Bombradus bowed respectfully. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes," she said. "Sit down. We have much to discuss. So... how do you think of-" She was cut off by a raspy voice from the doorway.

"princess..." The princess looked to the doorway to see an old zebra.

"Hello, Crazoe," she said. "We have a job for you."

"Um, princess? Why are we getting help from an old coot?!"

"Because this "old coot" has a gift."

"Um, what do you mean by that"

"He is a Morbid. A Morbid on the brink of defeat."

"Say what? what the hey is a Morbid?"

"That, my old friend, is a pony or basically any creature who can talk with a strange power. some people may call these powers, "super powers". Every Morbid has died off except for... well, except for Crazoe here.

"Oh! Well, um, then what do you need him for?" The Captain asked.

"We need him for his power. The power, of Divination."

"So he can see into the future?"

"Well, yes, haven't you been educated enough?"

The Captain blushed

"Well, no, I've only heard about it in a book."

"O.K. then, well, its time to see Divination in action." they looked at Crazoe, who stared at them innocently.

"What?" he said. "It doesn't come on command you know!"

"Well, yes I know that! but there is," The princess smirked. "A way to make the process go... faster." The zebra's eyes widened.

"Yes! I haven't gotten that treatment spell in ages!"

"Yes, that will be the treatment, and we must do it now, before-"

a crash from the ceiling sent a gigantic slab of wall tumbling down. Tumbling down right onto celestia.

"NO!" The Captain shouted, as he tried to buck the slab up. "NOT ON THE BRINK OF WAR, NO!" A voice from the hole in the roof. A non familiar voice.

"Ah, Celestia. I doubt you remember me. I am-"

"Rukdid the eldest. The grand enemy of the rhino army." princess celestia said. "Why are you here? I am not your enemy."

"You are now. Every kingdom leader is my enemy. same with the others. I am surprised that you haven't seen this war coming."

"No..." She said. She realized that she had to perform the "treatment" spell now or else all was lost. She aimed her horn at Crazoe and shot two different spells. One was a sight enhancement who, to a regular pony would just inprove their eyesight, helping them not to need glasses. But on a Morbid who had divination, it would help him see into the future better. The second spell was a voice enchantment, which made it possible for his prophecy to be heard throughout equestria.

As the two spells hit its target, Rukdid looked confused for a moment.

"Wait..." He narrowed his eyes, and it hit him.

"A Morbid! No!" He dropped down from the ceiling and ran across the floor with spear in hand, ready to jab the zebra. But it was already too late. the zebra's eyes glowed menacingly as he opened his eyes. He than spoke in what seemed like a million voices at once to the land.

"The morbid you speak:

The Crossed mail mare to travel anywhere

The energetic mare with her bubble gum hair

The lovely shy mare who makes people scare

The nope not a mare whooves brains are quite rare

And the cute little foal with imagination to spare!"

And with that, the zebra exploded into a flash of light. when the flash was gone, Celestia and Rudkid were too.

"Oh nonononononono, this is NOT good! Oh well, maybe it is, because the bad guy is gone too, but maybe shes trapped with him!" He then did the only thing he could think of: he wrote down the "prophecy" and went to hide in a croner. he did that until Princess Luna came back to the castle. as she walked into the room, she thought he was hurt, or seriously injured.

"D-did you hear it?" he asked the princess.

"Hear what?" she asked.

"Th-the Prophecy. if you didn't hear it, you must have shrouded the magic." Luna's eyes grew wide.

"Was it a... Morbid prophecy?"

"Yes," he said."Here, I-I wrote it down. Luna was still in shock, but she still took the scroll and read it thoroughly before looking over to the general to give a command. he was dead.

"Guards, come in, please." The guards came in and looked shocked at the dead stallion who was their commander.

"Calm down. I need you to get me someone..." She said.

"Who, may i ask?" One of the guards asked.

"Armor. Shining Armor."

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"Hmm." he said, deep in concentration. his concentration had broke earlier at the voice of what seemed to be a wierd old zebra, whom was speaking in rhymes. What should his next move be? He could put the little one in jeopardy while targeting the king. No, he thought, that would put MY king in danger, as well as my queen.He finally decided on moving the little one, and with a smirk, looked up at the Mare in front of him.

"Check." He said.

His little sister smirked back at him. And moved her bishop.

"Check mate" she said.

"Nice one, Twiley! play again?"

"Er, I think someone needs you," she said, pointing a hoof behind him. He followed her hoof to Princess Luna.

"Hello, Princess. what do you need? Did you try to pull another prank on celestia that went wrong and need help cleaning up?"
"No. I need help with something much, MUCH, bigger than that. I will probably even need Twilight's help. My sister has gone missing, and with her, an evil being of mass destruction. There was, however, a prophecy. a Morbid prophecy."

Shining Armor's eyes went wide."Can Twilight come as we talk about this? I know that this is top secret, but... if there are more morbid, than it could potentially be her!"

"I know," she responded."That is one of the reasons we have called upon her. another is, we need to cast a certain spell. A spell that can make the Morbid that we are looking for."

"O.K." The siblings said in unison.

Once they had gone down to the Canterlot library, gotten the spell book, which was locked away in a hidden compartment, and gotten to the highest point in the castle, Luna showed them how to do the spell, which wasn't actually that hard, they then waited for the morbid to come. And come, they did.

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"Tum, tee tum tum tum." Fluttershy was carrying a basket of chipmunks to the outskirts of the Everfree forest, which was to be their new home. She reached the stone path, and a hawk came squawking down, drying to grab the chipmunks for a tasty afternoon snack. Fluttershy looked at the talon bearing creature with worry and wished that it was scared of her more than she was of it.

Suddenly, the hawk gave a terrified *squeak* and flew off into the distance. She was glad that this threat was gone, but the chipmunks were still terrified. She looked at them too, and wished they were happy, instead of scared or terrified. Instantly, they were calm again, as if nothing had happened.

She blinked. How did I...? Nah, probably just a coincidence, she thought. She then dropped the chipmunks off at their new home, and was walking home when something strange happened. Her wings started flapping furiously, as if she was having a spasm. She let out a little "Oh! Um, wings, would you please let me down? almost as in response, as she looked back at her wings, one of them slapped her in the face, causing her to momentarily loose her vision. Her wings kept slapping her face again, and again, until finally, she lost consciousness

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Derpy Whooves was doing her morning mail rounds. It had been a perfect day before, then there was the voice, and who knows where that came from, and then perfect day again. She didnt really care about the voice. It confused her. The sky was blue, with no cloud in it. The sun was shining. Everypony out doing their morning jog. I wish this day would never end, she thought to herself. All i want to have is one day, one perfect day.

Unfortunately, that day was probally not going to be today, as she gave mail to a grey old colt with a picture frame for a cutie mark.

"Why you little!" He said, grinding his teeth. "The wrong mail AGAIN?! You should not be a mail mare! In my day, mail mares were supposed to..." Derpy wasn't listening. I want to be in Canterlot right now, with the princesses. Their always cheer me up! She thought.

Then, all of a sudden, there was a blinding flash of light, and she was gone. The old colt Hadn't shown signs of seeing that the mail mare was gone, and he just kept babbling on.

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,Dr Whooves was in his laboratory, working on his new invention: the Instant Transportation Module. Otherwise known as the
I.T.M., which was basically a device in which you could go anywhere is an instant.

"O.K." He said. "Dear, I'm Going to Trottingham to test out my new I.T.M.! Be Back in a bit!" He heard what sounded like a filly who didn't even know how to speak say 'oh hay'. That was all he needed, and in a second, he was off. But not to Trottingham...

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Pinkie Pie was in her room, Blowing up balloons for absolutely no reason. This is fun!!! she thought. She started to blow up another heart shaped balloon, when she realized something. She hadn't heard any noise except coming from herself. she looked out the window. And what she saw surprised her. Every single pony whom she could see had stood still. She went downstairs,and waved her hoof in Mr. Cake's face. No response. Well This is weird! why is everypony in slow motion? I wonder if-oh! Right and left hoof spasm! that means i'm needed in canterlot I think! And with that, she raced off to canterlot.

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Pipsqueak, who had been in Canterlot with his mum, was looking in a pet shop at baby rabbits. He wasn't intending to buy one, not yet, at least. Then a strange pony in a hood walked up to him.

"Lost your mommy, eh boy? He said.

"Um..."

"Here, let me help you. ill get you home!" He smirked and reached a hoof at Pip, who was terrified. He knew he couldn't shout, because he knew no pony would be able to hear him. He wished he was a bunny. So sweet and innocent. No pony would ever try to hurt one of those!

Suddenly there was a bright flash of light, just as the colt's hand was upon him. there was a mini tornado and the man stared at pip, who was terrified at what just happened. It looked as thought the colt was horrified. He then backed away slowly and ran. I wonder why he did that? he thought. His answer was strait away obvious as a saddlebag carrying a mirror wend past him. He was now, apparently, a bunny. The first thing he thought was,Ah! i need to find the princesses! And with that, he hopped as fast as he could down the road towards the castle.

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"Um, Princess Luna?" Twilight said. "When do you think their going to get here?" They had been waiting for about two hours.

"Wait patiently, Twilight Sparkle," the princess said."Oh, I feel one coming now as we speak." Twilight looked out at the plains. Something caught her eye: Pink dust leading to the castle doors and the what looked like their tower. Wait a second, she thought. Pink dust? There's only one pony who could make pink dust and that was-

"Hello, Pinkie Pie," Luna said, as Twilight turned around, to see nothing there.

"Let me slow you down a bit." And with a glowing horn, and magic thrown onto an unknown source, there was Pinkie, clear as day. At first she was jumping up and down furiously and then, gradually, she slowed down, until she was able to talk at a normal speed.

"Hiya, Twilight! Did you see how fast I was going? Huh? Huh? Did you?" She said in her regular fast paced voice.

"Wh-wh-what?! Your one of them!? But... Oh gosh..."

"I Know! Its so cool! i can go so fast! Wait, is it me going fast or everyone else going slow? I'm picking me going fast, YAY!"

Soon another arrived, in a bright flash of light. There, in a bright flash of light, came Derpy, as googly eyed as ever.

"I just don't know what went wrong! I just wished I was here, and i was here! Is there something wrong with me? I need help."

"I shall explain to thee as soon at thy others get here," Luna said.

"Oh, O.K.," Derpy said. And right at that moment, two more came as well.

Fluttershy was now awake, and had given up trying to fight the wings. As she came to a landing on the roof of a tall tower, she saw Twilight's mouth hanging open.

"Oh, hi Twilight. I don't know what happened. My wings just, were flying on their own and they brought me here."

Then, a bunny, about the size of Angel, only bigger, hopped up the stairwell and clamped onto Luna's Leg.

"I got this," Fluttershy said calmly. She looked at him, and simply said "calm down." to everypony's amazement, the bunny instantly calmed down.

"Thank thou, Fluttershy, Now I shall turn this pony back to its original state... unless he can do it himself?"

Everypony looked at the bunny, and watched him close his eyes, and slowly breathe, as if instructed to do so. In a bright flash of light, the bunny was gone, replaced by none other than,

"Why, Pipsqueak! I haven't seen you since Nightmare Night!"

"What did i do? A pony came up to me and tried to kidnap me, and i wished i was a bunny, and then he looked terrified and-" he was cut off short by Luna's hoof on his shoulder.

"Listen, Pipsqueak, I shall explain everything in a moment when our next guest arrives. And that should be in three, two, one..."

yet another flash of light, and there stood Doctor Whooves, without his machine.

"What!? Why am I in Canterlot?" He said. he looked at Princess Luna. "Your majesty."

"O.K. children, gather around as I tell the story of Morbid." she said.

Comments

[Viper9172]

Found some grammatical errors, but nothing too bad. I like the concept of it though! This is very good for your first(I'm assuming it's your first) story.

[OkieDokieLokie]

Your grammar needs work, but cool story.

[Quantum_Shift]

I'm sorry, but this story really needs some work before I can give it anything but a thumbs down.
The scene breaks are poorly timed, the dialogue is stiffer than George Lucas' work, the character's seem to have been made on a moment's notice, the grammar is atrocious, and the powers seem tacked on, rather than a part of the characters.
Please try again, this story holds a good deal of promise, but it still feels half-finished and only partially worked on.

My suggestions:
-get a pre-reader or two, and have them look over everything before submission
-try reading the dialogue out loud to yourself, a lot of things that sound good in one's head sound much worse outside of it. I suffer a similar problem with my dialogue
-perhaps use all background ponies and/or OCs, as this allows a greater flexibility of character, while using two of the mane six can cause issues and bring a great deal of hate from people with a great deal of emotion invested in them.
-Try a different name than "Morbid", which doesn't seem to have any connection to the powers, and only seems to exist to try invoking the Rule of Cool
-Decide on a reason for these powers before you write the story, and try having a destination decided as well. Come up with the frame, and then write what happens in between. Formula as follows: Plot= Start -> First Act -> Meet the Villain/First Climax -> Second Act -> Finale/Second Climax, Now figure out what each of those things should be, and figure out how everypony gets there, and write it out.
-then, go and revise it all, because the first draft always sucks.
then, send it to those pre-readers you picked up earlier.

[Silver Sea]

I agree with ^this guy^ about the name thing. It's a little... unfitting.
I like the idea of a pony X-Men thing. But, what's with Doctor Whooves and a filly? He has a daughter?

[doorcf]

OH BOY THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD!

[ORPHANEDACCOUNT]

Good concept, but I recommend a beta reader. Can't wait for the update.